Job Application
Wanted: Man to Land on KIller Asteroid
and Gently Nudge it from Path to Earth
--Drudge Report headline
Me! Let it be me!
You couldn't ask for a gentler touch
than mine. I've worked with asteroids
since I was a kid. The trick is,
never let them think you regard them as killers.
Speak soothingly, as though
you were breaking in a horse.
Asteroids want to be treated like planets,
so call it by the name of some minor figure
from Roman myth not already bespoken.
Palinarus is nice. I don't know of any asteroid
called Palinarus. It has "Pal" built right in.
Say "Palinarus, old pal of mine,
why don't the two of us head for Mars?
Earth is not what it's cracked up to be.
Whadayasay, ole buddy?" Speak to it
as you would to some young suicide bomber
who thinks of you as a role model.
Don't condescend but take care not to startle
the little asteroid with unaccustomed intimacies.
--Tom Disch