this is not okay
I've been dead for a while. I've jumped off the face of the planet. I've alienated myself from a lot of people: friends, family, roommates, close friends, and good pals. It's an extraordinary amount of extraordinary people.
I've been trying to find myself. What it is that I want to do with my life. Who it is I want to be. Instead of concentrating on those kinds of goals, I've found ways to let the fear of failure encapsulate me.
I've found that it's difficult to be friendly to anyone. It's a rare event to enjoy anything, anyone, or even my own time.
I've been playing the "tired" card over and over again but my days are filled with less activity than a sloth. I've lost my edge and I need to rebuild it.
I feel so far away from people I love. My family especially. How do I treat this kind of wound?
When I went to interview to teach English in Japan they asked me all these crazy questions about what my friends think of me, how I describe myself, what I do when I get stressed, how I cope with stress, how I deal with criticism, what I do with my spare time, what kind of people annoy me, what qualities in me annoy others. I felt incredibly vulnerable with that attack of 19 questions. I wasn't allowed to think and was limited to a 3 word answer. I absolutely panicked. I told them I found places to scream when I get stressed and that I go running a lot. I resorted to outright lies that made me look horrible. I thought the second half of the interview went well, but I knew I blew it.
It's been less than a week since I graduated and I already feel like I should have done better in school. I actually felt that way before I graduated. It's one of the reasons I didn't go to the Linguistics Major's ceremony where my diploma actually was. Basically like I didn't deserve it. Instead I chose to only go to the Drama ceremony.
There, I graduated with less than 30 people who I had seen on a daily basis throughout this year. Even spending that much time together didn't really hold me to them. As soon as I didn't receive my diploma and the ceremony was over, people headed over to the reception in the scene shop and I was freaking out so bad. I felt like I royally fucked up. People were congratulating each other, introducing their parents to their friends and professors while I was scrambling to find a way out. A way to get my two visiting parties out of town.
I didn't talk to anyone after the ceremony. . . I really felt like I didn't belong there. So I left. I told my parents I was going home. My dad offered my mom and I a ride and I refused it. He asked me if I needed help moving and I told him no and that I didn't really have that many things.
My step-mom and my older brother were there too.
I had spent a whole week at home with them, only to do nothing with them. I was bedridden by apathy. I could have spent the week with one of my best friends from high school but I chose to rot in bed.
My mom came on Saturday night. She had made a cake, brought a balled watermelon with grapes, 3 bottles of wine, 1 bottle of champagne, some green tea, some ham, cheese, and crackers, yakitori (skewered chicken), corn on the cob, some brown rice wrapped in tofu skins. She brought all that food for me and friends. I ate what I could that day and told her I was probably going to throw the rest away. We went to see the Da Vinci Code which sucked balls. I didn't really want my mom to be there. She kept saying the house stunk and that my room needed to be vacuumed. I basically told her to fuck off.
When we left the drama reception, it was cloudy outside with a bit of a sprinkle. Mom had wanted to get photos all day and I had told her we'd do it later. So I asked her if she wanted them then but she sort of just shrugged so I dragged myself through central grounds and she wanted to get a picture with me next to the Aviator statue and I think those are probably the worst pictures.
We got back to the house after walking through back ways and she complained about breaking her feet in the shoes she was wearing. I was just taking the shortest route I knew.
We got back to the house and she made moves to pack up her stuff and leave. I told her to not leave anything behind because there was enough trash in the house. She packed up her van. I sort of hugged her goodbye. She asked me if she'd see me again before work or over the summer and I said probably not. She said okay and gave me a card. A second one. She had given me one the day she arrived. She told me to wait until the next day to open it.
She left and I went upstairs to my room and opened the first card. Congratulatory bullshit. I open the second one that's shaped like a money holding card. Inside is a slit for plastic money. She had inserted an American Express card. I looked at it closely and it definitely says "Your Name Here." I took it out and the entire thing is a promotional magnet. There was another envelope in the card's envelope with my name on it. It was full of cash. I didn't know what to do then. I just turned the music up really loud and bawled my eyes out. Then I cried myself to sleep.
I definitely took one of the highlights in my life and turned it into a personal catastrophe.
I definitely got bird shit on my gown, suit pant, and shoe that morning, too...
I've been trying to find myself. What it is that I want to do with my life. Who it is I want to be. Instead of concentrating on those kinds of goals, I've found ways to let the fear of failure encapsulate me.
I've found that it's difficult to be friendly to anyone. It's a rare event to enjoy anything, anyone, or even my own time.
I've been playing the "tired" card over and over again but my days are filled with less activity than a sloth. I've lost my edge and I need to rebuild it.
I feel so far away from people I love. My family especially. How do I treat this kind of wound?
When I went to interview to teach English in Japan they asked me all these crazy questions about what my friends think of me, how I describe myself, what I do when I get stressed, how I cope with stress, how I deal with criticism, what I do with my spare time, what kind of people annoy me, what qualities in me annoy others. I felt incredibly vulnerable with that attack of 19 questions. I wasn't allowed to think and was limited to a 3 word answer. I absolutely panicked. I told them I found places to scream when I get stressed and that I go running a lot. I resorted to outright lies that made me look horrible. I thought the second half of the interview went well, but I knew I blew it.
It's been less than a week since I graduated and I already feel like I should have done better in school. I actually felt that way before I graduated. It's one of the reasons I didn't go to the Linguistics Major's ceremony where my diploma actually was. Basically like I didn't deserve it. Instead I chose to only go to the Drama ceremony.
There, I graduated with less than 30 people who I had seen on a daily basis throughout this year. Even spending that much time together didn't really hold me to them. As soon as I didn't receive my diploma and the ceremony was over, people headed over to the reception in the scene shop and I was freaking out so bad. I felt like I royally fucked up. People were congratulating each other, introducing their parents to their friends and professors while I was scrambling to find a way out. A way to get my two visiting parties out of town.
I didn't talk to anyone after the ceremony. . . I really felt like I didn't belong there. So I left. I told my parents I was going home. My dad offered my mom and I a ride and I refused it. He asked me if I needed help moving and I told him no and that I didn't really have that many things.
My step-mom and my older brother were there too.
I had spent a whole week at home with them, only to do nothing with them. I was bedridden by apathy. I could have spent the week with one of my best friends from high school but I chose to rot in bed.
My mom came on Saturday night. She had made a cake, brought a balled watermelon with grapes, 3 bottles of wine, 1 bottle of champagne, some green tea, some ham, cheese, and crackers, yakitori (skewered chicken), corn on the cob, some brown rice wrapped in tofu skins. She brought all that food for me and friends. I ate what I could that day and told her I was probably going to throw the rest away. We went to see the Da Vinci Code which sucked balls. I didn't really want my mom to be there. She kept saying the house stunk and that my room needed to be vacuumed. I basically told her to fuck off.
When we left the drama reception, it was cloudy outside with a bit of a sprinkle. Mom had wanted to get photos all day and I had told her we'd do it later. So I asked her if she wanted them then but she sort of just shrugged so I dragged myself through central grounds and she wanted to get a picture with me next to the Aviator statue and I think those are probably the worst pictures.
We got back to the house after walking through back ways and she complained about breaking her feet in the shoes she was wearing. I was just taking the shortest route I knew.
We got back to the house and she made moves to pack up her stuff and leave. I told her to not leave anything behind because there was enough trash in the house. She packed up her van. I sort of hugged her goodbye. She asked me if she'd see me again before work or over the summer and I said probably not. She said okay and gave me a card. A second one. She had given me one the day she arrived. She told me to wait until the next day to open it.
She left and I went upstairs to my room and opened the first card. Congratulatory bullshit. I open the second one that's shaped like a money holding card. Inside is a slit for plastic money. She had inserted an American Express card. I looked at it closely and it definitely says "Your Name Here." I took it out and the entire thing is a promotional magnet. There was another envelope in the card's envelope with my name on it. It was full of cash. I didn't know what to do then. I just turned the music up really loud and bawled my eyes out. Then I cried myself to sleep.
I definitely took one of the highlights in my life and turned it into a personal catastrophe.
I definitely got bird shit on my gown, suit pant, and shoe that morning, too...