Reputations
I haven't had one of my stream-of-thought entries in a while. Tonight, though, I have quite a bit on my mind. For your reading pleasure:
I believe most people try to define their lives based on the days they go out and do things, even though the majority of their days hold nothing they see as of worth. But for me, I feel the opposite is truer. Most days hold something of significance for me - some thought, some activity. This relates to my rule of learning something new and doing something good every day. Still, some days manage to pass by where at the end I feel like nothing of significance has really passed. Today is one of those.
I have learned some new things, and I had a good conversation... but this day was definitely the stay in and do very little sort. You know what though? Those kinds of days are rare for me, and the experience of it brings back memories. Memories of college, of living in UP - of cold days spent sitting on my bed reading, listening to music, watching tv, looking outside... And all that brings to mind how my life has shifted in the last year.
On a foundational level, I am happier now. I feel more accomplished than I ever have, I'm not longing for something I believe I will never have, and I don't have a huge amount of stress weighing down on me. But on a more superficial level, I'm not sure if I am so happy. The work I do is good and worthwhile, but it isn't inspired. I have some friends, but not of the sort I've grown accustomed to. I know no one here who truly understands me, and I no longer live among friends. I don't have any specific dating prospects, though I've come to see that I'm more attractive than I thought I was and I am certainly datable.
I have a good life. I have plenty of material things, a good and noble job which I'm growing into. I live in one of the best places in the world, and I have a future wide open for myself. I am well regarded and have loving family and friends. I am intelligent, in good health, and like who I am.
But a day of nothing always leads me to reexamine my life, regardless of the circumstances. To spend a day without a feeling of fulfillment is relatively rare for me, but always leads me to feel there must be changes to make. Now, I'd already been thinking about potential changes, but I'm not sure what those might be. I'm still looking for something inspiring here, something that makes me truly *feel*. I'm looking for someone. No, not necessarily a girlfriend or anything like that, but a person of true significance to me. I have my friend Keith - and he is a great guy, but we are "guy friends" - people who do stuff together but bond on an activity, not personality, basis. Everyone else doesn't yet know me, though I am hopeful they will in time.
I suppose the root of this feeling I hold is the fact that I'd gotten used to the fact that people at Binghamton had an idea of who I am. Now, I try very much to define myself, but it was always intriguing and sometimes reassuring to know others had a concept of "Tom". I see myself as someone who often struggles but always tries to do better, to be better. Someone who believes in ideals most people don't think about at all, and who dreams of finding happiness and doing real good in this world. Granted, who I am is based off the thoughts on my mind when I was a kid, and tempered by my experiences since then, but it is a lifestyle I live daily. I can't sit and be happy - I must always be moving, even if only mentally. But other people don't see me as my internal striving. Others see me based on my actions, my roles and status, my accomplishments and legacy.
For most of my life, others didn't see much of me at all. I was the quiet kid in the back of the class who occasionally spoke up to give the answer to a question but mostly just slept. Until high school, I was one of the bullied kids. I was fat too. I had a few friends, but we weren't really close. I wasn't a nobody, I just wasn't somebody to many bodies. Senior year of high school that shifted. I got more involved, I opened up more. My high school yearbook is mostly filled with people writing "I'm so glad I finally got to know you these last few months!"
Then I got to college and things changed. At first, I made a group of friends, and we did everything together, and I became someone in that group. Now until then, I'd never really had what I would call a group of friends - I'd been on the periphery of a few groups, and I'd had my own friends, but never a group. Having a group, I've determined, can be a very good thing. It gives you a unique sense of community, not unlike family but definitely separate from it. Within this group I was someone of significance, someone central, too. I was the mediator, one of the nice guys, and someone silly. I was always there to listen and was one of the first anyone went to when they needed help. I was the first person several of them ever really opened up to. I belonged, and they cared for me just as I cared for them.
One memorable point for me, and the first time I ever experienced having a sort of reputation, was when one of my friends and I were having an argument of sorts. She said I had been mean to her and insulted her, while my side was that I had told her of things she did which annoyed other people with the intention of helping her address them if she didn't want to be ostracized. When she went to others to complain about me, their first reaction was "being mean doesn't sound like Tom." After speaking to both me and her, they determined that my side was the correct one, in some part because, as one of my friends said "Tom doesn't lie."
Now, I hadn't said to anyone "I don't lie." (Truth be told, I sometimes do, but not to my friends. Sometimes I lie to my father.) It was something this friend believed, based on who I was. It was a reputation, an idea of who I am that didn't come directly from me. And it wasn't just one person's opinion of me - it was a consensus. Upon hearing about it, something changed within me. I think it gave me a significant confidence boost, and helped me to move forward (not entirely, but at least incrementally) on some personal drama I was having.
My group of friends broke apart over the next few years, and my relationships with several of them changed. Some of them now think I am a bad person, and that will always be a solemn reminder to me of how things can go wrong... but it does add a touch of humility to my concept of reputation which I try to keep in mind. More importantly, through the years and the drama of the time several of my friends maintained high opinions of me, some of them even strengthened. The dynamic between us all, and my realization that my friend's opinions meant so much to me, definitely shaped the way I've acted from that point on.
To me, it isn't so important whether people think positively or negatively of me, but how well they know me. It always pains me to see someone dislike me because they don't understand something about me. Truthfully, it is one of the most difficult things for me to accept, but this is a topic for another time, if at all. My point here is that my first 2-3 years at college saw my first group of friends, my first interaction with any kind of reputation of myself that meant something to others, and my subsequent desire to maintain it which sometimes worked and sometimes failed. Of course, I never really knew what people thought of me, as I'm sure no one does, but I did catch a few glimpses. And since this period of time was one where my social interactions drastically shifted, reputation became a modestly important notion to me.
The latter two years I spent in college saw a different shift for me - reputation formed from my leadership and actions, rather than my friendship. From my junior year on, I became a student leader in first one, and eventually about half a dozen student organizations. My role as a leader would spread my name and an idea of who I was to many more people than I expected. By the end of my senior year, I was probably one of the more well-known and well-regarded people on campus. People would track me down to find out how to get involved. I'd introduce myself to someone only to have them recognize my name.
I don't say this to brag, but to note the dynamic shift from being the kid sleeping in the back of the classroom to one of the first people someone would go to in order to get things done. More importantly though, was the growth of an idea of who I was which people held. By my senior year, I had become someone a number of people looked up to. Even this past week I've had people say I inspire and motivate them - not because of something specific I've said or done, but because of who I am. This has been a real shift in my relation to the world. I am now someone whose existence has tangible consequence in the lives and outlook of others, and that is something I feel thankful for and try to think of when I lack motivation. In a way, it is similar to the feeling I get from being an older brother.
But while it may be nice to be thought of as an inspiration, I don't quite understand why people see me that way. I've asked several people and gotten a number of interesting responses on the idea. Some part of it is how much I did in school, and how I always try to do as much as I can. Another part is that I care about others and am nice. Some people note that I'm clever or funny or sociable or a good listener or other traits... but at some point everyone says that I mean something to them simply because I am "Tom". It is something which cannot easily be put into words, for them or me, but something about me is significant above any traits or actions. Just something about me, which people feel they can perceive and it means something to them.
And that is the root of the significance of my reputation to me. This idea that people perceive something in me, something unique and meaningful and it represents something in their lives. I'm not sure what it is, but I am glad it is there. I suppose I feel the same way about several other people - there is something inexplicable about them which has meaning to me, outside of anything I could describe about them.
Perhaps that is why I feel something is lacking here. I've yet to perceive anything like that in anyone I know here. There is potential for it in a person or two, yes, but nothing definite yet - and I don't think anyone here perceives that yet in me. I miss that.
Part of why this has been brought to my mind is that a few people have visited me here in Boston who really make me think on what others mean to me and what I mean to them. One mentioned to me that back in my sophomore year - one of the most drama-filled and confusing times of my life, I had a reputation I hadn't imagined. I was the 'white guy on the second floor of the Endicott building that all the girls like'. Now, 'the guy all the girls like' is basically the last thing I would ever describe myself as, then or now, even when I am aware of some people liking me. It just isn't anything I would define myself as. But this was how someone else defined me. Another friend who visited mentioned how people at BU are still trying to find me to plan events, and how others wonder how my successors in my student groups will live up to me. These sort of things mean something separate from the standard "we miss you" sentiments I get most of the time. The idea that I had a place, and that place cannot be filled by someone else, is significant. Again, the idea that I, specifically me, mean something to people.
I think I neglected something in my description of myself earlier - I am someone who is continually trying to define himself. At my roots I am quite certain of who I am, but in any specific context I am not initially sure. I suppose part of the reason behind that is you have to have an outside view to get a full perspective on things. Thus, it isn't until I've already left Binghamton, and am now able to see what I've left behind and what fills in my space, that I see what I truly was there.
And with that clarity comes the foregrounding of the vagueness of my position here. I am not anything yet in Boston, in the lives of the people I know here. There is only potential. Now, there is a lot of good there - I can take the lessons I've learned in the past and use them to find an even better place for myself here - but there is a certain comfort in a reputation which I lack here. There was something truly and immeasurably nice about being surrounded by people who had an idea who I am and, better yet, truly liked that idea. It is something I doubt I'll rebuild to the same degree for a while, as I will be moving around for the next few years.
Still, it is not something which is gone, only distant. And now, having thought through it and come to understand a greater piece of this picture, it is something I can take with me, keep in mind, and grow from. And indeed, my reputation does help me grow, just as looking at my reflection in the mirror helps me shave. I could do it with my eyes closed, by feeling alone, but I'd certainly miss a stray hair or two. But with something to look at myself through, I can see things I'd otherwise miss, and using that create a better, more attractive me =D
One last thought - writing like this is a habit I've developed over the years which I often forget to appreciate. These entries are not planned and barely edited - I simply write what is on my mind as I sift through the concepts discussed. Writing these thoughts down helps me to organize the thoughts and make them coherent, and posting them here allows me to look back, and to share them. One of the unique things about these entries is that I will post things I am not proud of, that I would have difficulty sharing otherwise. I'll post honest self-evaluations and things I have done wrong even as I talk about how great people think I am. I do this because it is honest and I value honesty more than almost anything else. I also do it because as nice as people's opinions of me are, I want them to be accurate. I don't want people to think unreasonably well of me, just as I don't want them to think mistakenly badly of me. I just want them to think of me. I am only myself to myself, and that is all I wish to be to others. This is my attempt to be just that, to you.
I believe most people try to define their lives based on the days they go out and do things, even though the majority of their days hold nothing they see as of worth. But for me, I feel the opposite is truer. Most days hold something of significance for me - some thought, some activity. This relates to my rule of learning something new and doing something good every day. Still, some days manage to pass by where at the end I feel like nothing of significance has really passed. Today is one of those.
I have learned some new things, and I had a good conversation... but this day was definitely the stay in and do very little sort. You know what though? Those kinds of days are rare for me, and the experience of it brings back memories. Memories of college, of living in UP - of cold days spent sitting on my bed reading, listening to music, watching tv, looking outside... And all that brings to mind how my life has shifted in the last year.
On a foundational level, I am happier now. I feel more accomplished than I ever have, I'm not longing for something I believe I will never have, and I don't have a huge amount of stress weighing down on me. But on a more superficial level, I'm not sure if I am so happy. The work I do is good and worthwhile, but it isn't inspired. I have some friends, but not of the sort I've grown accustomed to. I know no one here who truly understands me, and I no longer live among friends. I don't have any specific dating prospects, though I've come to see that I'm more attractive than I thought I was and I am certainly datable.
I have a good life. I have plenty of material things, a good and noble job which I'm growing into. I live in one of the best places in the world, and I have a future wide open for myself. I am well regarded and have loving family and friends. I am intelligent, in good health, and like who I am.
But a day of nothing always leads me to reexamine my life, regardless of the circumstances. To spend a day without a feeling of fulfillment is relatively rare for me, but always leads me to feel there must be changes to make. Now, I'd already been thinking about potential changes, but I'm not sure what those might be. I'm still looking for something inspiring here, something that makes me truly *feel*. I'm looking for someone. No, not necessarily a girlfriend or anything like that, but a person of true significance to me. I have my friend Keith - and he is a great guy, but we are "guy friends" - people who do stuff together but bond on an activity, not personality, basis. Everyone else doesn't yet know me, though I am hopeful they will in time.
I suppose the root of this feeling I hold is the fact that I'd gotten used to the fact that people at Binghamton had an idea of who I am. Now, I try very much to define myself, but it was always intriguing and sometimes reassuring to know others had a concept of "Tom". I see myself as someone who often struggles but always tries to do better, to be better. Someone who believes in ideals most people don't think about at all, and who dreams of finding happiness and doing real good in this world. Granted, who I am is based off the thoughts on my mind when I was a kid, and tempered by my experiences since then, but it is a lifestyle I live daily. I can't sit and be happy - I must always be moving, even if only mentally. But other people don't see me as my internal striving. Others see me based on my actions, my roles and status, my accomplishments and legacy.
For most of my life, others didn't see much of me at all. I was the quiet kid in the back of the class who occasionally spoke up to give the answer to a question but mostly just slept. Until high school, I was one of the bullied kids. I was fat too. I had a few friends, but we weren't really close. I wasn't a nobody, I just wasn't somebody to many bodies. Senior year of high school that shifted. I got more involved, I opened up more. My high school yearbook is mostly filled with people writing "I'm so glad I finally got to know you these last few months!"
Then I got to college and things changed. At first, I made a group of friends, and we did everything together, and I became someone in that group. Now until then, I'd never really had what I would call a group of friends - I'd been on the periphery of a few groups, and I'd had my own friends, but never a group. Having a group, I've determined, can be a very good thing. It gives you a unique sense of community, not unlike family but definitely separate from it. Within this group I was someone of significance, someone central, too. I was the mediator, one of the nice guys, and someone silly. I was always there to listen and was one of the first anyone went to when they needed help. I was the first person several of them ever really opened up to. I belonged, and they cared for me just as I cared for them.
One memorable point for me, and the first time I ever experienced having a sort of reputation, was when one of my friends and I were having an argument of sorts. She said I had been mean to her and insulted her, while my side was that I had told her of things she did which annoyed other people with the intention of helping her address them if she didn't want to be ostracized. When she went to others to complain about me, their first reaction was "being mean doesn't sound like Tom." After speaking to both me and her, they determined that my side was the correct one, in some part because, as one of my friends said "Tom doesn't lie."
Now, I hadn't said to anyone "I don't lie." (Truth be told, I sometimes do, but not to my friends. Sometimes I lie to my father.) It was something this friend believed, based on who I was. It was a reputation, an idea of who I am that didn't come directly from me. And it wasn't just one person's opinion of me - it was a consensus. Upon hearing about it, something changed within me. I think it gave me a significant confidence boost, and helped me to move forward (not entirely, but at least incrementally) on some personal drama I was having.
My group of friends broke apart over the next few years, and my relationships with several of them changed. Some of them now think I am a bad person, and that will always be a solemn reminder to me of how things can go wrong... but it does add a touch of humility to my concept of reputation which I try to keep in mind. More importantly, through the years and the drama of the time several of my friends maintained high opinions of me, some of them even strengthened. The dynamic between us all, and my realization that my friend's opinions meant so much to me, definitely shaped the way I've acted from that point on.
To me, it isn't so important whether people think positively or negatively of me, but how well they know me. It always pains me to see someone dislike me because they don't understand something about me. Truthfully, it is one of the most difficult things for me to accept, but this is a topic for another time, if at all. My point here is that my first 2-3 years at college saw my first group of friends, my first interaction with any kind of reputation of myself that meant something to others, and my subsequent desire to maintain it which sometimes worked and sometimes failed. Of course, I never really knew what people thought of me, as I'm sure no one does, but I did catch a few glimpses. And since this period of time was one where my social interactions drastically shifted, reputation became a modestly important notion to me.
The latter two years I spent in college saw a different shift for me - reputation formed from my leadership and actions, rather than my friendship. From my junior year on, I became a student leader in first one, and eventually about half a dozen student organizations. My role as a leader would spread my name and an idea of who I was to many more people than I expected. By the end of my senior year, I was probably one of the more well-known and well-regarded people on campus. People would track me down to find out how to get involved. I'd introduce myself to someone only to have them recognize my name.
I don't say this to brag, but to note the dynamic shift from being the kid sleeping in the back of the classroom to one of the first people someone would go to in order to get things done. More importantly though, was the growth of an idea of who I was which people held. By my senior year, I had become someone a number of people looked up to. Even this past week I've had people say I inspire and motivate them - not because of something specific I've said or done, but because of who I am. This has been a real shift in my relation to the world. I am now someone whose existence has tangible consequence in the lives and outlook of others, and that is something I feel thankful for and try to think of when I lack motivation. In a way, it is similar to the feeling I get from being an older brother.
But while it may be nice to be thought of as an inspiration, I don't quite understand why people see me that way. I've asked several people and gotten a number of interesting responses on the idea. Some part of it is how much I did in school, and how I always try to do as much as I can. Another part is that I care about others and am nice. Some people note that I'm clever or funny or sociable or a good listener or other traits... but at some point everyone says that I mean something to them simply because I am "Tom". It is something which cannot easily be put into words, for them or me, but something about me is significant above any traits or actions. Just something about me, which people feel they can perceive and it means something to them.
And that is the root of the significance of my reputation to me. This idea that people perceive something in me, something unique and meaningful and it represents something in their lives. I'm not sure what it is, but I am glad it is there. I suppose I feel the same way about several other people - there is something inexplicable about them which has meaning to me, outside of anything I could describe about them.
Perhaps that is why I feel something is lacking here. I've yet to perceive anything like that in anyone I know here. There is potential for it in a person or two, yes, but nothing definite yet - and I don't think anyone here perceives that yet in me. I miss that.
Part of why this has been brought to my mind is that a few people have visited me here in Boston who really make me think on what others mean to me and what I mean to them. One mentioned to me that back in my sophomore year - one of the most drama-filled and confusing times of my life, I had a reputation I hadn't imagined. I was the 'white guy on the second floor of the Endicott building that all the girls like'. Now, 'the guy all the girls like' is basically the last thing I would ever describe myself as, then or now, even when I am aware of some people liking me. It just isn't anything I would define myself as. But this was how someone else defined me. Another friend who visited mentioned how people at BU are still trying to find me to plan events, and how others wonder how my successors in my student groups will live up to me. These sort of things mean something separate from the standard "we miss you" sentiments I get most of the time. The idea that I had a place, and that place cannot be filled by someone else, is significant. Again, the idea that I, specifically me, mean something to people.
I think I neglected something in my description of myself earlier - I am someone who is continually trying to define himself. At my roots I am quite certain of who I am, but in any specific context I am not initially sure. I suppose part of the reason behind that is you have to have an outside view to get a full perspective on things. Thus, it isn't until I've already left Binghamton, and am now able to see what I've left behind and what fills in my space, that I see what I truly was there.
And with that clarity comes the foregrounding of the vagueness of my position here. I am not anything yet in Boston, in the lives of the people I know here. There is only potential. Now, there is a lot of good there - I can take the lessons I've learned in the past and use them to find an even better place for myself here - but there is a certain comfort in a reputation which I lack here. There was something truly and immeasurably nice about being surrounded by people who had an idea who I am and, better yet, truly liked that idea. It is something I doubt I'll rebuild to the same degree for a while, as I will be moving around for the next few years.
Still, it is not something which is gone, only distant. And now, having thought through it and come to understand a greater piece of this picture, it is something I can take with me, keep in mind, and grow from. And indeed, my reputation does help me grow, just as looking at my reflection in the mirror helps me shave. I could do it with my eyes closed, by feeling alone, but I'd certainly miss a stray hair or two. But with something to look at myself through, I can see things I'd otherwise miss, and using that create a better, more attractive me =D
One last thought - writing like this is a habit I've developed over the years which I often forget to appreciate. These entries are not planned and barely edited - I simply write what is on my mind as I sift through the concepts discussed. Writing these thoughts down helps me to organize the thoughts and make them coherent, and posting them here allows me to look back, and to share them. One of the unique things about these entries is that I will post things I am not proud of, that I would have difficulty sharing otherwise. I'll post honest self-evaluations and things I have done wrong even as I talk about how great people think I am. I do this because it is honest and I value honesty more than almost anything else. I also do it because as nice as people's opinions of me are, I want them to be accurate. I don't want people to think unreasonably well of me, just as I don't want them to think mistakenly badly of me. I just want them to think of me. I am only myself to myself, and that is all I wish to be to others. This is my attempt to be just that, to you.