Traditional Biblical Marriage
There's a persistent argument that same-sex marriage is forbidden by the bible's definition and proscriptions for marriage, which makes me wonder whether these folks have actually read the bible. The first biblical mention of marriage is Lamech's marriage to two women - Adah and Zillah - in Genesis 4:19. The great King Solomon had "seven hundred w ives of royal birth and three hundred concubines", a serious contender for the bigamy world record. In Genesis 29:3 Jacob works seven years to marry Rachel but Laban switches her with Leah and Jacob accidentally deflowers her in the dark, forcing Jacob to take her as a wife and work seven more years in a passage that simultaneously endorses plural marriage, women as property, shotgun weddings, and fraud while implying that you apparently shouldn't talk to your lover with the lights off. Abraham, the central figure in Christianity, Judiaism, and Islam, couldn't have kids with his wife Sara so he had a son with his maid Hagar before Sara gave birth to Isaac, at which point Abraham had no reason to keep Hagar and their son around so he exiled them to the desert before being commanded by God to kill Isaac. Traditional biblical family values are such a mishmash of divinely sanctioned bigamy and infidelity that by the time Lot pimps out his daughters before having sex with them himself or Noah gets drunk and molested by his son Ham (for which God creates black people, wtf) it's hardly worth raising an eyebrow.
But those are stories. What about specific rules? In addition to moral fables the bible also lays out clear rules for polygamy and declares that the divorced must never remarry (divorced women are like prostitutes in that regard). Do marry your dead brother's wife (no, really) because she is not allowed to remarry outside her family. Or not, especially if she has sensual desires. Jesus himself commands his followers to not to marry at all, although if a woman must marry she can only marry someone from her father's tribal clan (especially not foreign women or daughters of a foreign God) with a well-defined procedure for complaint if anyone strays from these rules. And only marry virgins, unless they are getting along in years. Marriage is even a valid tactic of warfare, for crippling all the enemy with circumcisions before you invade and kill them.
So where's the rule about same-sex marriage? The famous line in Leviticus only applies to male/male sex (which is still legal) rather than female/female marriage (which isn't) and comes right after mandatory animal sacrifice and before the prohibition of mixed-textile fabrics or beard-cutting or tattooing. Romans condemns men "inflamed with lust for one another" in the same chapter declaring that the punishment for gossip, disobeying parents, not to mention that the penalty for glorification of animal pictures is death. (I'm looking at you, cuteoverload.) 1 Corinthians 6 condemns "homosexual offenders" along with drunkards, lawsuits, and civil mediation. 1 Timothy 1 condemns "perverts" along with "myths and endless genealogies" and "meaningless talk".
My take-away lesson here is that a clean-shaven gossipy lawyer dumping his brother's widow to marry a babbly widowed tipsy Hindu genaeologist that his parents don't like while wearing a cotton/poly blend shirt and a "Mom" tattoo, with a caterer specializing in crab rangoon and blood sausage from animals who aren't slaughtered and burned by a priest is many, many times worse in God's eyes than two linen-clad bearded gay guys marring each other.
Religious texts are Rorschach tests . Believers' inherent and evolving moral sense dictates which parts of a text they follow or ignore rather than the text dictating what they actually do with their lives. If you think the bible forbids gay marriage it's because you picked that line, not because that crazy line is any more important than any other crazy line. The good news is that it's easier to change a religious person's mind than it might seem at first. If they can avoid beating sunday wood-gatherers to death they can learn to tolerate a same-sex couple.
Caveat: the above does not apply to orthodox Jews, who are at least consistent and meticulous in observing all of the rules regardless of how crazy they are.
Update: I can already hear the religious objections to this post. "Nice snark tongodeon, but you're not religious. You can't pretend to dictate let alone understand my theology. You can't tell me that I have to grow a beard or can't hire a lawyer - your rules don't apply to me. It's irrelevant to my life how you read my bible." And that's true. It is completely unfair for me to force my interpretation on you or anyone else who doesn't accept it. By that token it's completely unfair for you to force your interpretation of Leviticus, Corinthians, or Timothy on anyone else who doesn't accept it - your rules don't apply to me. Avoid gay sex, shellfish, or cotton-poly stretch pants in your own church and your own home but don't pass laws telling me what I can't do based on your reading of your text.
See also:
But those are stories. What about specific rules? In addition to moral fables the bible also lays out clear rules for polygamy and declares that the divorced must never remarry (divorced women are like prostitutes in that regard). Do marry your dead brother's wife (no, really) because she is not allowed to remarry outside her family. Or not, especially if she has sensual desires. Jesus himself commands his followers to not to marry at all, although if a woman must marry she can only marry someone from her father's tribal clan (especially not foreign women or daughters of a foreign God) with a well-defined procedure for complaint if anyone strays from these rules. And only marry virgins, unless they are getting along in years. Marriage is even a valid tactic of warfare, for crippling all the enemy with circumcisions before you invade and kill them.
So where's the rule about same-sex marriage? The famous line in Leviticus only applies to male/male sex (which is still legal) rather than female/female marriage (which isn't) and comes right after mandatory animal sacrifice and before the prohibition of mixed-textile fabrics or beard-cutting or tattooing. Romans condemns men "inflamed with lust for one another" in the same chapter declaring that the punishment for gossip, disobeying parents, not to mention that the penalty for glorification of animal pictures is death. (I'm looking at you, cuteoverload.) 1 Corinthians 6 condemns "homosexual offenders" along with drunkards, lawsuits, and civil mediation. 1 Timothy 1 condemns "perverts" along with "myths and endless genealogies" and "meaningless talk".
My take-away lesson here is that a clean-shaven gossipy lawyer dumping his brother's widow to marry a babbly widowed tipsy Hindu genaeologist that his parents don't like while wearing a cotton/poly blend shirt and a "Mom" tattoo, with a caterer specializing in crab rangoon and blood sausage from animals who aren't slaughtered and burned by a priest is many, many times worse in God's eyes than two linen-clad bearded gay guys marring each other.
Religious texts are Rorschach tests . Believers' inherent and evolving moral sense dictates which parts of a text they follow or ignore rather than the text dictating what they actually do with their lives. If you think the bible forbids gay marriage it's because you picked that line, not because that crazy line is any more important than any other crazy line. The good news is that it's easier to change a religious person's mind than it might seem at first. If they can avoid beating sunday wood-gatherers to death they can learn to tolerate a same-sex couple.
Caveat: the above does not apply to orthodox Jews, who are at least consistent and meticulous in observing all of the rules regardless of how crazy they are.
Update: I can already hear the religious objections to this post. "Nice snark tongodeon, but you're not religious. You can't pretend to dictate let alone understand my theology. You can't tell me that I have to grow a beard or can't hire a lawyer - your rules don't apply to me. It's irrelevant to my life how you read my bible." And that's true. It is completely unfair for me to force my interpretation on you or anyone else who doesn't accept it. By that token it's completely unfair for you to force your interpretation of Leviticus, Corinthians, or Timothy on anyone else who doesn't accept it - your rules don't apply to me. Avoid gay sex, shellfish, or cotton-poly stretch pants in your own church and your own home but don't pass laws telling me what I can't do based on your reading of your text.
See also:
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