The Extremely Exhaustive Evgeni Malkin Primer: Part 1
When I got into hockey fandom, everyone was really into these Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews fellows. And they were cool, don't get me wrong, but they didn't, like, speak to me on a deep and personal level. And so I went searching throughout the grand world of hockey for someone who I was like "yes, yes, that is my person", and I found him. Oh, how I found him. And, tragically, no one talks about him and how awesome he is nearly as much as they should.
I consider that challenge accepted.
NOTE: This is a constantly updating primer as I find new information. Occasionally I will add new parts to update on what Geno has been doing since I initially wrote this primer, which are linked at the bottom of Part 4.
That adorable lovechild of a hound dog and a muppet is Evgeni Vladimirovich Malkin (Евге́ний Влади́мирович Ма́лкин), but mostly he just goes by Geno. (Russians refer to him as "Zhenya", which is a nickname for Evgeni, and his teammates sometimes call him "G".) He's a forward and usually a center for the Pittsburgh Penguins as well as their alternate captain. He is also, arguably, the best hockey player in the world. Which is to say that "the best hockey player in the world" is a stupid argument/title because it depends on what you look for in hockey player. But if you are going to try to name the very best player in the world, he's going to come up and be a serious frontrunner. Because he's pretty awesome at everything. And he's a sincerely excellent human being.
Geno was born on July 31, 1986 in Magnitogorsk, Russia. Magnitogorsk is not that great a city. It's in Siberia, for one thing, and while it's in the Southern part of Siberia, it's still in Siberia. It was built up during Stalin's regime as this great, wondrous metalworking town because it's at the base of a mountain that's made almost entirely of iron. But, like most things built in Stalinist Russia, today it kinda blows. It's extremely polluted there from decades of factory work, housing is very tight,the housing that does exist is a bunch of hastily slapped together apartment buildings with crappy amenities, there's a lot of crime. (Geno mentioned in an interview once that the thing that changed most between when he left Russia to play in the NHL and now is that driving is a lot safer - as in, no one tries to shoot the other drivers anymore. You know! Like people do on the freeway all the time!) Understandably, most kids who grow up in Magnitogorsk leave it for Moscow. Those who do stay mostly work in the steel plant or get involved in organized crime. But Geno decided to take door number three and go into hockey.
(Geno's on the right.)
Geno grew up living in a one-bedroom apartment with his parents and brother in Magnitogorsk. He loved hockey from a very young age. He learned to skate when he was three and started playing hockey when he was five*. (Note, scroll down for the info on Geno.) He used to sleep with his hockey stick. He was immensely talented and was financially supporting his family with his hockey scholarship by the time he was thirteen. * His dad said he was a good kid, for the most part, but if they ever had to punish him, the way they'd do it was by saying he couldn't go play hockey. He was also super-competitive (why is anyone surprised by this, all professional athletes are super-competitive) and used to lose his temper and refuse to speak after games where he lost or wasn't satisfied with his performance.*. (Apparently he still does some version of this, but less so.) And he was a big fan of The Russian Five. So much so that he wore a Red Wings t-shirt and cap to his draft.* Aw. Impolitic but adorable!
Geno was drafted second overall in 2004 by the Pittsburgh Penguins (right after Alexander Ovechkin). He was really, really awkward and gangly and still had not quite figured out his limbs yet:
Spoiler alert: he grows into them.
Neither Ovie nor Geno played in the NHL that next year because of the lockout. Ovie did... something, Geno played in the KHL. The next season was the year of Sidney Crosby v. Alexander Ovechkin in every way, we all know how that goes. But Geno, even though he was supposed to be there, wasn't. The KHL decided Geno was too awesome to let go and was all "j/k, we know we said you could go to the NHL, but surprise! We're going to psychologically and emotionally manipulate you into staying here! Here, sign this contract!" And so Geno (very unhappily) stayed for a year. And then... you know what, I'll let the professionals describe it:
When I left for home in the spring, it was a fait accompli - Malkin had done his time with us, he’d stayed a year longer than Ovechkin did; and he played his heart out for us. He was read to go to the NHL and would leave with our blessing. Or so I thought. Then, one day around midsummer, Velichkin (Magnitogorsk GM) came in and told me the good news; Malkin was staying after all. He’d signed a contract extension, under duress, in the wee hours of the morning, with all the members of the organization putting pressure on him to stay and playing the loyalty card to the hilt. They made it clear to Malkin that he owed them something. Of course, Velichkin didn’t tell it that way; I found out the details later on: in early August, in the middle of the night, with his mom and dad there after Rashnikov (Magnitogorsk’s owner) had flown back from Italy to meet with him one-on-one, and feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders, Malkin finally signed the contract. The next day they asked me to come into the office at nine or ten in the morning to meet with Malkin for a little talk. Thankfully, they left the room and there was just the three of us there - Malkin and me and Igor, the translator, whom I trusted.
I said, “Malk, how do you feel about coming back?” And he answered, “I don’t want to stay.” So I said, “If that’s the case, why did you sign the contract?” And he said, “There were so many people. I was confused. I know I owe the organization something.” All those things were weighing heavily on him. He’s just a young guy. I think he became overwhelmed by it all and signed. The next day he realized what he’d done and the mistake he’d made. So I said, “In this case here, don’t do what your head says. Do what your heart says. You should be doing what you think is right for you. Think this thing through. The season hasn’t started yet, so it’s not too late.”
Little did I realize how he’d take those words to heart. But a couple of weeks later, on our way to Finland, we stopped to play a game in Moscow against the new team, the Wings. I was standing in the corner of the crowded dressing room, watching all the guys and Malkin in particular, and he was absolutely in a trance. I could clearly see that he was thinking, Why am I still here, doing this? Not this again. He went out in the game and scored two goals and added an assist, but when he came off the ice there was zero joy in his eyes. Not a smile - and this guy was always smiling. I thought, This is not going the way he wants. I know his heart’s not here for sure.
After the game we all went to the airport and flew to Helsinki. The plane landed. We all got off and went to the luggage area to get our bags and go to the bus, and suddenly I saw people talking and waving their arms; there was a real commotion going on. So I asked Igor, and he said, “We can’t find Malkin.” Right away I thought to myself, Oh my gosh, he’s gone and done it. They sent Igor and Gennady back into the terminal to look for him, but Malkin had vanished. They couldn’t find him. He didn’t come through security to get his bags. Right around then a flight was leaving for New York, and we assumed that he’d jumped on it. Later, we found out that someone from his agency came and met him and he stayed in Helsinki for a few days in a safe house and then quietly flew over to North Ameria after we played the Tampere Cup.
Afterwards, a lot of people wondered what, if anything, we knew about the circumstances of Malkin’s flight. I didn’t have any inkling of it, but I remember talking to Varlamov, our captain…And Varly had a big smirk on his face. He said, “He’s going to the NHL.” All the guys knew it and not one guy was pissed off, upset, or even surprised. I think they all thought this was the right thing for Malkin - every player, to a man. I think they knew that he was pressured into a decision. There were smiles on everybody’s faces, as if somebody had put something over on someone. I thought, Did they know more about this than I did? The team just didn’t skip a beat.
Geno, by the way, still feels super-guilty about defecting. He still goes back to Russia every summer to play for the National team in Worlds (assuming he's not in the Cup playoffs or injured). He still played for Russia at the 2010 Olympics and has stated that regardless of if the NHL sanctions him or not, he's playing for them again in 2014. On some level it would be really easy to be like "oh, Geno's Russian, of course he still feels guilty about abandoning the motherland", but that's super over-simplifying it. The fact that Geno got coerced into staying says a lot about his character. Remember this. We'll come back to it.
Since Geno has come to the NHL, he has done pretty damn well for himself. Let's look at a few of his accomplishments:
2006-2007
Geno turned out a solid but overall unremarkable season for the 2009-2010 season, but the 2010-2011 season didn't go well for him. He did get to play in the Winter Classic (HBO did a special on this, it's highly recommended viewing) against the Capitals, which was cool, except then they lost that and Sidney Crosby ended up concussed, which was not cool.
That's Geno at the Winter Classic, wearing the rarely-seen blue Penguins jersey. As a fun fact of trivia, Sidney Crosby believes those jerseys are bad luck, since he's gotten both of his major injuries while wearing them.
That February, Geno tore his ACL, which put him out for the rest of the season. Also, as a note on what kind of person Geno is, after tearing his ACL he texted Ray Shero, the GM of the Penguins "I'm sorry". Because, you know, when someone else boards you so hard you tear a ligament, it's definitely your bad, Geno. What even.
Here, let's look at Geno doing some sort of knee-related therapy in giant inflatable legs to make ourselves feel better:
There we go.
And then there was:
2011-2012
A very good season for Geno! Let's take a look at a video the Pens put together that shows him training and being awesome and stuff. Bonus, he wears shorty-short swim trunks. You're welcome, ladies and queer gentlemen:
And then he accomplished a few things:
Geno with his very modest array of hardware.
For some extra adorable, here are Geno's acceptance speeches for the Ted Lindsay Award:
And the Hart:
Don't worry, that warm, fuzzy feeling in your chest is normal and not a medical condition.
But that's just his NHL career. He's picked up crazy amounts of awards for Russia in international play, both in Juniors and in international tournaments, but he hadn't won gold until this year, when he led Team Russia to, uh, I would call it "dominating" everyone else in the tournament, but that's probably like a massive understatement.
(Still wearing Pens gear even in an international tournament! Bless.)
It's also worth mentioning that Geno is only 25 years old. Most hockey players (assuming they stay healthy) play into their late thirties/early forties. He's already racked up more bling than 99% of them will ever see in their lives and his career is just starting.
As for how he plays - if I had to describe his style of play, besides "insanely awesome", I would tell people to think of a grizzly bear:
Like a grizzly bear, Geno is large and doesn't initially present as scary. He's a very un-flashy, un-assuming player. And you can tell who he is on the ice even without looking at the numbers because he has a very distinctive, strong skating style. If you watch him once or twice, you'll always be able to pick him out. And not just because he's huge and 90% leg.
Also much like the grizzly, Geno does not like to be poked and is very protective of his cubs:
He's extra protective of Sidney Crosby. Possibly because he's his captain, more likely because they're bros. And here's a reminder of what grizzly bears do when you fuck with their cubs:
They kill you. I don't mean that Geno fights, because fighting is really not his thing. (Here is his page on HockeyFights.com. It's hilariously almost empty.) Instead, he will either a) score a flobbityjillion points on you or more likely, b) he will foul you and he won't even care if he gets called. He will high-stick you, he will check you, he will board you, but he will kill you. There's a part in that HBO special where the Caps specifically go over with their team how to remove Geno as a threat, and they explicitly lay this out. Don't poke the bear. The bear will kill you. And then the bear will go in the penalty box, but you'll be dead.
But enough about that, let's see the bear in his natural habitat:
Here's one of my favorite shootout goals of his. It's Patrick Kane levels of "what the fuck did you just do with your stick and that puck". It's beautiful. You may need to fan yourself after watching it or take a few minutes alone:
And then there's this goal, which was at least up for winning some Goal of the Year award. I don't know if he won it or not, but I'm not sure how anyone could beat it:
How many dudes did he just casually skate past like they weren't even trying to stop him? All five? I'm pretty sure it was all five. No big, that's how Geno rolls.
And in conclusion, because the NHL likes to torment people emotionally, they put this little montage together for this year's Stanley Cup Championships which accurately sums up everything Geno:
WHY. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, NHL PUBLICITY DEPARTMENT. THAT IS LIKE THE RUDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE.
Part Two || Part Three || Part Four
I consider that challenge accepted.
NOTE: This is a constantly updating primer as I find new information. Occasionally I will add new parts to update on what Geno has been doing since I initially wrote this primer, which are linked at the bottom of Part 4.
That adorable lovechild of a hound dog and a muppet is Evgeni Vladimirovich Malkin (Евге́ний Влади́мирович Ма́лкин), but mostly he just goes by Geno. (Russians refer to him as "Zhenya", which is a nickname for Evgeni, and his teammates sometimes call him "G".) He's a forward and usually a center for the Pittsburgh Penguins as well as their alternate captain. He is also, arguably, the best hockey player in the world. Which is to say that "the best hockey player in the world" is a stupid argument/title because it depends on what you look for in hockey player. But if you are going to try to name the very best player in the world, he's going to come up and be a serious frontrunner. Because he's pretty awesome at everything. And he's a sincerely excellent human being.
Geno was born on July 31, 1986 in Magnitogorsk, Russia. Magnitogorsk is not that great a city. It's in Siberia, for one thing, and while it's in the Southern part of Siberia, it's still in Siberia. It was built up during Stalin's regime as this great, wondrous metalworking town because it's at the base of a mountain that's made almost entirely of iron. But, like most things built in Stalinist Russia, today it kinda blows. It's extremely polluted there from decades of factory work, housing is very tight,the housing that does exist is a bunch of hastily slapped together apartment buildings with crappy amenities, there's a lot of crime. (Geno mentioned in an interview once that the thing that changed most between when he left Russia to play in the NHL and now is that driving is a lot safer - as in, no one tries to shoot the other drivers anymore. You know! Like people do on the freeway all the time!) Understandably, most kids who grow up in Magnitogorsk leave it for Moscow. Those who do stay mostly work in the steel plant or get involved in organized crime. But Geno decided to take door number three and go into hockey.
(Geno's on the right.)
Geno grew up living in a one-bedroom apartment with his parents and brother in Magnitogorsk. He loved hockey from a very young age. He learned to skate when he was three and started playing hockey when he was five*. (Note, scroll down for the info on Geno.) He used to sleep with his hockey stick. He was immensely talented and was financially supporting his family with his hockey scholarship by the time he was thirteen. * His dad said he was a good kid, for the most part, but if they ever had to punish him, the way they'd do it was by saying he couldn't go play hockey. He was also super-competitive (why is anyone surprised by this, all professional athletes are super-competitive) and used to lose his temper and refuse to speak after games where he lost or wasn't satisfied with his performance.*. (Apparently he still does some version of this, but less so.) And he was a big fan of The Russian Five. So much so that he wore a Red Wings t-shirt and cap to his draft.* Aw. Impolitic but adorable!
Geno was drafted second overall in 2004 by the Pittsburgh Penguins (right after Alexander Ovechkin). He was really, really awkward and gangly and still had not quite figured out his limbs yet:
Spoiler alert: he grows into them.
Neither Ovie nor Geno played in the NHL that next year because of the lockout. Ovie did... something, Geno played in the KHL. The next season was the year of Sidney Crosby v. Alexander Ovechkin in every way, we all know how that goes. But Geno, even though he was supposed to be there, wasn't. The KHL decided Geno was too awesome to let go and was all "j/k, we know we said you could go to the NHL, but surprise! We're going to psychologically and emotionally manipulate you into staying here! Here, sign this contract!" And so Geno (very unhappily) stayed for a year. And then... you know what, I'll let the professionals describe it:
When I left for home in the spring, it was a fait accompli - Malkin had done his time with us, he’d stayed a year longer than Ovechkin did; and he played his heart out for us. He was read to go to the NHL and would leave with our blessing. Or so I thought. Then, one day around midsummer, Velichkin (Magnitogorsk GM) came in and told me the good news; Malkin was staying after all. He’d signed a contract extension, under duress, in the wee hours of the morning, with all the members of the organization putting pressure on him to stay and playing the loyalty card to the hilt. They made it clear to Malkin that he owed them something. Of course, Velichkin didn’t tell it that way; I found out the details later on: in early August, in the middle of the night, with his mom and dad there after Rashnikov (Magnitogorsk’s owner) had flown back from Italy to meet with him one-on-one, and feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders, Malkin finally signed the contract. The next day they asked me to come into the office at nine or ten in the morning to meet with Malkin for a little talk. Thankfully, they left the room and there was just the three of us there - Malkin and me and Igor, the translator, whom I trusted.
I said, “Malk, how do you feel about coming back?” And he answered, “I don’t want to stay.” So I said, “If that’s the case, why did you sign the contract?” And he said, “There were so many people. I was confused. I know I owe the organization something.” All those things were weighing heavily on him. He’s just a young guy. I think he became overwhelmed by it all and signed. The next day he realized what he’d done and the mistake he’d made. So I said, “In this case here, don’t do what your head says. Do what your heart says. You should be doing what you think is right for you. Think this thing through. The season hasn’t started yet, so it’s not too late.”
Little did I realize how he’d take those words to heart. But a couple of weeks later, on our way to Finland, we stopped to play a game in Moscow against the new team, the Wings. I was standing in the corner of the crowded dressing room, watching all the guys and Malkin in particular, and he was absolutely in a trance. I could clearly see that he was thinking, Why am I still here, doing this? Not this again. He went out in the game and scored two goals and added an assist, but when he came off the ice there was zero joy in his eyes. Not a smile - and this guy was always smiling. I thought, This is not going the way he wants. I know his heart’s not here for sure.
After the game we all went to the airport and flew to Helsinki. The plane landed. We all got off and went to the luggage area to get our bags and go to the bus, and suddenly I saw people talking and waving their arms; there was a real commotion going on. So I asked Igor, and he said, “We can’t find Malkin.” Right away I thought to myself, Oh my gosh, he’s gone and done it. They sent Igor and Gennady back into the terminal to look for him, but Malkin had vanished. They couldn’t find him. He didn’t come through security to get his bags. Right around then a flight was leaving for New York, and we assumed that he’d jumped on it. Later, we found out that someone from his agency came and met him and he stayed in Helsinki for a few days in a safe house and then quietly flew over to North Ameria after we played the Tampere Cup.
Afterwards, a lot of people wondered what, if anything, we knew about the circumstances of Malkin’s flight. I didn’t have any inkling of it, but I remember talking to Varlamov, our captain…And Varly had a big smirk on his face. He said, “He’s going to the NHL.” All the guys knew it and not one guy was pissed off, upset, or even surprised. I think they all thought this was the right thing for Malkin - every player, to a man. I think they knew that he was pressured into a decision. There were smiles on everybody’s faces, as if somebody had put something over on someone. I thought, Did they know more about this than I did? The team just didn’t skip a beat.
Geno, by the way, still feels super-guilty about defecting. He still goes back to Russia every summer to play for the National team in Worlds (assuming he's not in the Cup playoffs or injured). He still played for Russia at the 2010 Olympics and has stated that regardless of if the NHL sanctions him or not, he's playing for them again in 2014. On some level it would be really easy to be like "oh, Geno's Russian, of course he still feels guilty about abandoning the motherland", but that's super over-simplifying it. The fact that Geno got coerced into staying says a lot about his character. Remember this. We'll come back to it.
Since Geno has come to the NHL, he has done pretty damn well for himself. Let's look at a few of his accomplishments:
2006-2007
- Scores a goal the first six consecutive games of his career. He's the first player to do that since 1917. He is still the only player to have done that.
- Won the Calder Cup (which is the award for best rookie season, non-hockey readers)
- Was named an alternate captain for the Pittsburgh Penguins in spite of the fact that he spoke almost no English.
- When Sid was out for 28 games with an ankle injury, Geno scored 44 points. That's a lot. For non-hockey people, the point system in hockey works that you get one point for an assist and one for a goal. That means Geno was helping score roughly twice a game. Which is lot.
- Completed the season with 106 points. For reference, there are 82 games in the NHL season, which means Geno scored at least one goal or assist almost every game. For further reference, breaking 100 points is extremely unusual. Every season maybe five to ten players in the NHL break 100.
- Nominee for both the Hart (awarded to the Most Valuable Player in the NHL) and was in second place for the Art Ross (given to the player with the most points). He lost by six points to the same person who beat him out for the Hart - Alexander Ovechkin.
- Scored 22 points in the playoffs, helping take the Penguins to the Stanley Cup finals. They lost to the Red Wings. Oh, irony, you bitch.
- Won the Dapper Dan award for Pittsburgh Sportsman of the year. This is his very stilted but extremely adorable acceptance speech, and if you can watch it and not get choked up, flap your hands, and squeal "MY BABY!!!!", you're a stronger person than I am:
- Won the Art Ross Trophy
- Runner-up for the Hart
- And he won this thing called the Stanley Cup (beating the Red Wings, because revenge is awesome). And the Conn Smythe (which goes to the MVP of the playoffs series). NO BIG DEAL.
Click to view Geno turned out a solid but overall unremarkable season for the 2009-2010 season, but the 2010-2011 season didn't go well for him. He did get to play in the Winter Classic (HBO did a special on this, it's highly recommended viewing) against the Capitals, which was cool, except then they lost that and Sidney Crosby ended up concussed, which was not cool.
That's Geno at the Winter Classic, wearing the rarely-seen blue Penguins jersey. As a fun fact of trivia, Sidney Crosby believes those jerseys are bad luck, since he's gotten both of his major injuries while wearing them.
That February, Geno tore his ACL, which put him out for the rest of the season. Also, as a note on what kind of person Geno is, after tearing his ACL he texted Ray Shero, the GM of the Penguins "I'm sorry". Because, you know, when someone else boards you so hard you tear a ligament, it's definitely your bad, Geno. What even.
Here, let's look at Geno doing some sort of knee-related therapy in giant inflatable legs to make ourselves feel better:
There we go.
And then there was:
2011-2012
A very good season for Geno! Let's take a look at a video the Pens put together that shows him training and being awesome and stuff. Bonus, he wears shorty-short swim trunks. You're welcome, ladies and queer gentlemen:
And then he accomplished a few things:
- Even though he missed seven games because of lingering knee problems, Geno still, for the first time in his career, broke the mark of fifty goals in a season. (That is a VERY LARGE number of goals.)
Here is his fiftieth goal:
Bam. - And he had three hat tricks. In one season. No big.
- He was the only player in the 2011-2012 season to break 100 points (he ended the season with 109), meaning he very easily walked away with the Art Ross.
- He also won both the Hart and the Ted Lindsay Award (which is like the Hart, but it's as voted by the players, not... whoever else decides the awards).
Geno with his very modest array of hardware.
For some extra adorable, here are Geno's acceptance speeches for the Ted Lindsay Award:
And the Hart:
Don't worry, that warm, fuzzy feeling in your chest is normal and not a medical condition.
But that's just his NHL career. He's picked up crazy amounts of awards for Russia in international play, both in Juniors and in international tournaments, but he hadn't won gold until this year, when he led Team Russia to, uh, I would call it "dominating" everyone else in the tournament, but that's probably like a massive understatement.
(Still wearing Pens gear even in an international tournament! Bless.)
It's also worth mentioning that Geno is only 25 years old. Most hockey players (assuming they stay healthy) play into their late thirties/early forties. He's already racked up more bling than 99% of them will ever see in their lives and his career is just starting.
As for how he plays - if I had to describe his style of play, besides "insanely awesome", I would tell people to think of a grizzly bear:
Like a grizzly bear, Geno is large and doesn't initially present as scary. He's a very un-flashy, un-assuming player. And you can tell who he is on the ice even without looking at the numbers because he has a very distinctive, strong skating style. If you watch him once or twice, you'll always be able to pick him out. And not just because he's huge and 90% leg.
Also much like the grizzly, Geno does not like to be poked and is very protective of his cubs:
He's extra protective of Sidney Crosby. Possibly because he's his captain, more likely because they're bros. And here's a reminder of what grizzly bears do when you fuck with their cubs:
They kill you. I don't mean that Geno fights, because fighting is really not his thing. (Here is his page on HockeyFights.com. It's hilariously almost empty.) Instead, he will either a) score a flobbityjillion points on you or more likely, b) he will foul you and he won't even care if he gets called. He will high-stick you, he will check you, he will board you, but he will kill you. There's a part in that HBO special where the Caps specifically go over with their team how to remove Geno as a threat, and they explicitly lay this out. Don't poke the bear. The bear will kill you. And then the bear will go in the penalty box, but you'll be dead.
But enough about that, let's see the bear in his natural habitat:
Here's one of my favorite shootout goals of his. It's Patrick Kane levels of "what the fuck did you just do with your stick and that puck". It's beautiful. You may need to fan yourself after watching it or take a few minutes alone:
And then there's this goal, which was at least up for winning some Goal of the Year award. I don't know if he won it or not, but I'm not sure how anyone could beat it:
How many dudes did he just casually skate past like they weren't even trying to stop him? All five? I'm pretty sure it was all five. No big, that's how Geno rolls.
And in conclusion, because the NHL likes to torment people emotionally, they put this little montage together for this year's Stanley Cup Championships which accurately sums up everything Geno:
WHY. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, NHL PUBLICITY DEPARTMENT. THAT IS LIKE THE RUDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE.
Part Two || Part Three || Part Four