jailbird songs, chap 10 out of 11.
Last chapter before Christmas aaand epilogue after Christmas but hopefully before New Year's. Sound good/reasonable?
first chapter // second chapter // third chapter // fourth chapter // fifth chapter // sixth chapter // seventh chapter // eighth chapter // ninth chapter
jailbird songs, chapter 10 out of 11
fandom: super junior au
rating: pg-13
pairings: ShiHan, KiHae, KangTeuk, YehWook, HyukSu, KyuMin, ShinBoa
word count: ~ 3,000
warnings: Crude things.
disclaimer: Did not happen, obviously. Peculiar and cracky and generally vapid.
notes; All of this AU will eventually be under the tag for prison!au.
Donghae breathed in slowly. This was going to be fine. He was prepared for this (well, sort of, anyway - admittedly most of their slotted preparation time with Kibum had been used for something much more important, and fun). He closed his hands into fists and breathed out again. Everything was going to be fine. So what if Shindong had just left the room looking extremely pale and worried. The parole board wouldn't rip Donghae into pieces. He hoped.
The warden entered the small waiting room and forced a smile at Donghae. “Feeling nervous?”
Donghae shrugged.
“I'm sure it'll go fine,” Warden Choi said, sounding rather unconvincing. “Anyway, I just came here to see Dr Kim but he doesn't seem to be around.”
“He was here earlier,” Donghae replied. “Delivering the files to the board. I didn't see him but Shindong told me.”
Donghae frowned and noticed Siwon looking at him carefully, but whatever he seemed to be seeing, the warden ignored. “Just as well. Good luck with it, Lee Donghae. I have to go now.”
And then it was time.
A guard opened the door for him and he walked in, in his suit and tie (so uncomfortable), and then stood before the parole board of five men.
Wait. Six men.
“Good afternoon, welcome to the parole hearing of prisoner...” one of the men began and then trailed off, staring at the papers before him. “Andy, where's the file?”
“It's right there,” the man next to him said, patting his hand against the stack of papers.
“No, that's just paper for me and Dongwan in case we get really bored.” The man grinned. “We're really phenomenal doodlers. Have you seen us doodle?”
“What was your name again?” the other man, Andy, asked Donghae with a pen in hand. As Donghae answered, he wrote it down. “Awesome, let's proceed.”
It wasn't how Donghae had imagined the hearing to begin, much less to continue.
“Is it this thing?” one of the men asked, waving a brown folder above their head.
Sighs of frustration followed and finally with the file before them, they sat up looking professional. Then they all looked at each other, looking professional, and burst into laughter. Then they, once again, sat up and this time managed to keep straight faces during the proceedings.
“Lee Donghae, you may sit down,” he was told and Donghae bowed and took a seat in front of the table.
As he sat down and glanced at all of his questioners, he noticed a familiar face in the line up.
“The five of us are the parole board, also known as the Legend, but Father Eric was kind enough to join this evaluation.” The speaker grinned. “Of course, this is supposed to be impartial and unbiased so we trust you to keep this knowledge to yourself. So, let's do the introductions. I'm Lee Minwoo, head of the parole committee.”
“I'm Kim Dongwan, vice head of the parole committee,” said the man on Minwoo's right, who looked all too happy to be there.
“I'm Andy Lee, senior assistant of the parole committee,” said the man to Minwoo's left, also smiling at Donghae.
“Shin Hyesung,” said the man next to Dongwan with a nod.
“I'm Junjin, SF comic image,” said the man next to Hyesung with an extremely serious face, and stuck out his arm so fast it made Donghae jump in his seat.
“I thought we agreed not to do the funny introductions!” Dongwan said indignantly, but grinned immediately afterwards.
“It's a guaranteed ice breaker, I just wanted to lighten up the mood,” Junjin defended himself, looking innocent.
“The prisoners don't even get it, so they don't tend to find it funny,” Hyesung pointed out.
“And the part where you do the hand thing, it's intimidating unless we all do it,” Minwoo said.
“Next time, let's just all do it, then we won't have a problem,” Junjin sighed and looked at Eric. “Hyung, introduce yourself.”
Eric simply looked at Donghae and tilted his head back slightly. “What up dog.”
“Hello, servant of God, I'm Eric!” Andy imitated and the board all cracked up.
Eric smacked the back of Andy's head in response.
“Hey, what happened to 'turn the other cheek'?” Andy asked.
“Which cheek?” Eric asked, poking Andy's face with a finger. “This one?” He poked the other cheek before Andy slapped his hand away.
“Eric and we go way back,” Minwoo explained. “In fact, you could say we're all kind of married to each other.”
“Can I tell him the story about Eric stealing all of Hyesung's underwear?” Dongwan asked.
“No!” Hyesung immediately answered.
“And you told it to about 19 prisoners before this guy, so by now we're the ones sick of hearing it,” Minwoo said.
Dongwan pouted (and Junjin imitated his pouting).
“The reason we're called the Legend is that we're Korea's number one parole board in terms of longevity,” Minwoo began explaining. “We've been together for nearly a decade now.”
“People often ask us how a parole board can stay together for such a long time,” Dongwan continued. “The answer is love.” He then leaned over and kissed Hyesung's cheek.
“Hey!” Hyesung exclaimed, wiping his cheek. “Warn next time.”
“Love doesn't need a warning,” Dongwan replied.
Andy opened the file and started handing out the board sheets of paper with Donghae's information on it.
“You comfortable, may we begin?” Andy asked.
Donghae braced himself. “Yes.”
“Your crime,” Andy read from the papers, his eyes widening. “Distributing pornography illegally.”
“Wow,” Minwoo said.
“That is something,” Dongwan agreed. “What kind of porn, though?”
Everybody behind the table gave him an odd look while Donghae was struggling to answer.
“You know, Japanese,” he finally managed and Dongwan nodded at him with a knowing look.
“Ahh,” Dongwan said.
“Nothing from other foreign countries, then?” Andy asked. “Eric watches a lot of American porn..”
“Not anymore!” Eric said hastily, looking embarrassed.
“We would hope not!” Minwoo said with a grin.
“On CDs or DVDs?” Junjin suddenly asked Donghae.
“What does it matter?” Hyesung asked Junjin.
“No reason, I just can never get the DVD's to play,” Junjin said, looking a lot less serious than just a moment ago, a goofy grin on his face.
What are these guys, Donghae thought to himself, for the millionth time during the parole hearing.
“That's because you need to re-set your DVD player's region to the Japanese one,” Dongwan instructed but trailed off as the rest stared at him.
“Moving away for Dongwan's area of expertise,” Minwoo said, then pausing. “It wasn't illegal porn, was it? Just illegal distribution of porn, right? No ...sick stuff.”
“No, no, it was legal porn. Just ..illegally and ..yeah.” Donghae looked down. This was weird. This was million types of weird and he had a feeling it would only get weirder.
“And you've stayed away from pornography during your sentence?” Minwoo asked, sounding professional once again.
“Yes,” Donghae answered, straightening in his seat. “Well. Sort of, anyway.”
Now that he thought of it, Kibum's advice about being honest probably hadn't been one worth considering.
Dongwan shrugged. “Of course. You do what you know best.”
“Yeah,” Andy agreed. “It's not a crime. Until you distribute it illegally, of course. Very bad,” he finished, but with a grin on his face.
“Everybody needs a hobby,” Dongwan continued. “I compose songs.”
“I do musical theater,” Andy said and looked at Eric, who sighed.
“I write rap lyrics,” Eric confessed.
I ..masturbate? Donghae thought, trying to wrap his head around the idea that his interest in pornography could be taken as a productive passtime.
“Hobbies are very positive,” Minwoo said. “We try to encourage the prisoners to get some if they haven't already. To develop one's talents, that's what life's all about, really.”
“Should we make him sing?” Hyesung asked, amused.
“No, he doesn't look like the singing type,” Junjin disagreed.
“Dance?” Eric suggested.
“Can you dance?” Andy asked Donghae.
Donghae swallowed. “I'm really out of practise.”
“Ah, your papers said you did hiphop at school. It's okay. Junjin will help you out! Get up!” Minwoo said with an encouraging smile.
Junjin got up, and awkwardly Donghae walked next to him in the space between his own chair and the table of the committee. They started off with some basic hiphop moves, things Donghae knew by heart, and even though he was out of practise, thought he did pretty good, imitating Junjin's movements as well as he could. But just as the whole hearing, as time passed, the moves got weirder and weirder.
“That was Hyesung's signature Crab Dance and Andy's clever variant of it,” Junjin said, slightly out of breath by now. “Should we do the Birds dance as well? Mommy Please Buy Me That dance? Banana Song?”
“Ba-naaa-nah!” Eric piped up.
“Banana..” Hyesung sang and they both burst into laughter.
“We're not always like this,” Minwoo assured Donghae.
“Yes, we are, hyung,” Junjin said, a little out of breath, as Eric threw some kind of a ball at Dongwan's head, and Dongwan threw it back at him.
“Yeah, but sometimes we're drunk, so it makes sense that we're like this,” Minwoo said matter-of-factly.
“Like what?” Dongwan asked, as Eric got up to juggle the ball and the stapler Andy handed him from the desk.
“Fuck,” Eric cursed as the stapler landed on Andy's foot. “Sorry G,” he then said.
“Like children,” Hyesung answered Dongwan.
“I think this should be enough,” Minwoo said. “Thank you, Donghae-sshi.”
“God, it's getting kind of late, should we be off to get some lunch?” Andy said, looking at his watch.
“Yeah, I think we're just about done here.” Dongwan sat back. “Oh wait, we forgot the obligatory questions.”
Everybody around the table groaned except Eric.
“I have a job, I think I'm going to go now, guys,” he said, standing up and grinning at the annoyed-looking parole board. “God can't wait.”
Hyesung snorted. “Traitor.”
Minwoo took a pencil and looked at a sheet of paper.
“Quickly now, I'm hungry, too,” he said and began reading. “Do you have any education towards a job you can apply for post-sentence?”
“Er,” Donghae said, thinking for a bit. “Yes.”
“Do you currently have violent tendencies, narcotic addictions or anything else which may once again lead you down the path of crime?”
Donghae saw various board members rolling their eyes. “No,” he answered.
“Have you engaged in any illegal activities inside the prison during your sentence thus far?”
“No,” Donghae said.
“Have you physically assaulted anybody during your sentence thus far?”
“Not unless they wanted me to,” Donghae answered thruthfully.
“Good enough for us,” Minwoo said and ticked another box. “Have you kept up at least one mental and one physical hobby during your sentence thus far?”
“Yes,” Donghae said.
“Do you have any non-criminal, non-former criminal contacts in the outside world, besides your family?”
“Yes,” Donghae said.
“Have you had sex with Dr Kim Kibum?”
“Yes,” Donghae said, and then realized the question. “I mean, no! Definitely no, no sex at all.”
Minwoo laughed out loud. “Cough up, Hyesung, that will be 20,000 won.”
“Goddammit,” Hyesung swore. “I seriously thought the shrink didn't look the type.”
“They never do, do they,” Andy said.
Donghae looked desperately at the board. “I swear, I didn't--”
“No, it's okay,” Minwoo interrupted.
“It's friggin' prison, of course you get lonely,” Dongwan said sympathetically.
“Now, most people don't with the shrink out of all people,” Andy said, grinning.
“Like something out of a drama,” Junjin mused.
“What kind of dramas do you watch, Jinnie?” Minwoo asked, amused.
“Chinese,” Junjin shrugged.
“Are we done?” Hyesung asked, irritated. “I'm seriously hungry.”
“We're done,” Minwoo decided. “Thank you, Lee Donghae, for your time. You'll hear our decision within two days' time. We're not supposed to let you know anything about the outcome so I'll just surreptitiously wink at you and it will most certainly not mean you passed. I must stress that it doesn't mean anything, especially not that we like you or that you're getting your parole as fast as possible.”
With those parting words, Minwoo winked at Donghae. The rest of the board was smiling.
“Thank you,” Donghae said with a bow, his cheeks flushing with sudden joy.
The guard opened the door for him and as he stepped out of the room, loosening his tie as he was escorted back to his cell, he felt as if walking just a few inches above the ground.
**
Everybody at the table stared at Shindong, who looked down at his tray awkwardly.
“What the shit,” Kangin finally said.
“They actually made you do that?” Yesung asked, equally shocked.
“I heard they made Micky act out scenes from that Kim Sam-soon drama,” Shindong said with a heavy sigh. “So I guess I didn't get the worst end of the stick after all.”
“Still,” Kangin said, shaking his head. “That's rough.”
“Daniel Henney scenes?” Ryeowook asked.
Shindong shook his head. “Kissing scenes.”
“I don't believe that,” Kangin said.
“Well, it's true. I just hope I get out so I don't have to ever go through with it again,” Shindong concluded.
Ryeowook was looking over at the other table. “Donghae seems to be fine, post-parole hearing.”
“Well, he's Donghae,” Sungmin said with a shrug. “He lives in his own world, what could possibly harm him?”
“Besides, he finally got off with Dr Kim,” Eeteuk said. “No wonder he'd be happy.”
“Yeah, yeah, and Hyukjae's gay and Kyuhyun makes a lot of noise in bed, it's all old news,” Yesung said tiredly.
Kyuhyun was blushing. “I don't ..who told you that?”
“People talk,” Yesung said nonchalantly and looked at Kangin.
“I don't talk. Or listen, for that matter,” Kangin said defensively.
“Or think,” Eeteuk said, shoving at Kangin's head playfully as Kangin glared at him.
“I gotta go ask Donghae whether I have therapy today,” Shindong said, standing up. “God knows I'd need it.”
Sungmin looked at him and smiled sympathetically. “Make sure Hyukjae's not dying over there.”
“If he is, at least we now know Junsu's willing to give him CPR,” Shindong joked. “Oh, that was too cruel. Was that too cruel?”
“Who cares, you're getting parole,” Kangin said irritably. “Just go.”
“Fresh smell of envy in the air,” Shindong commented.
“Or then you just didn't wash this morning,” Kangin replied.
“And whose fault would that be,” Shindong asked sardonically. “You guys took your time in the shower this morning.”
Kangin blushed. “Well, that just-- really-- totally besides the point.”
But by then Shindong had already gone.
**
“So what did they give you besides the three months added to your prison sentence?” Donghae asked Hyukjae.
“The cruel and unusual punishment of having to share a cell with Kim Heechul,” Hyukjae replied glumly.
“Aww, cheer up, Mrs Kim Junsu,” Heechul said. “I'm almost done mocking your terribly lengthy period of closet-living and denial.”
“I wish I could believe you,” Hyukjae said.
“You have to admit it's amusing,” Heechul said.
“Not as amusing as your eventual slow painful death in my hands,” Hyukjae said grimly.
“Well, as a news item it beats Donghae getting laid,” Heechul said with a shrug.
Donghae snapped back to reality. “What? I didn't get laid. Who's saying I got laid? I never got laid.”
“You went to therapy and came back in a different shirt. What do you suppose we're going to conclude from that?” Hyukjae asked Donghae.
“I spilled coffee on my shirt,” Donghae said.
“And Kibum offered you his?”
Donghae shrugged. “He happened to have a spare.”
Heechul rolled his eyes. “This is the least imaginative lie I've ever heard.”
“It's purest factual fact there is,” Donghae replied.
“Uhh, right,” Heechul said. “This is dull. Everybody's happy and getting laid. Where's the drama? Somebody should at least end up dying of cancer.”
“Fingers crossed,” Hyukjae said. “I'm going now. Have to go clean.”
“Stay away from any cleaning closets!” Heechul yelled after him.
**
Siwon had a head ache, for a change. He held the bridge of his nose with two fingers and refused to look at Dr Eva in the eye.
“Remind me again why this hyper-expensive equipment would be useful?”
Eva sighed. “It can only identify about a million forms of early and advanced staged cancer.”
“It's advertised as a breast cancer detecting device,” Siwon said tiredly.
“So?”
“How many cases of breast cancer do we get in this prison per year?”
“Well, it's uncommon among men but not at all impossible..”
Siwon sighed. “Okay, okay. You know what? I'll consider it.”
Yeah, right. And maybe everybody can donate their lunch money and they can buy themselves not only a fancy cancer-detecting machine, but also a snooker table, an in-door pool and an artificial insemination laboratory.
Dr Eva left with a smile on her face and as she opened the door to step outside, Dr Kim was standing behind it. Siwon did not enjoy his sudden popularity. The only person he actually needed to see was Han Geng, to talk about the transfers, and the next weekend--
“Parole results?” he asked Dr Kim, looking at the folder in his hands.
“Yes,” Kibum said. “They came very quickly, so I suppose the decisions were reached easily.”
Siwon didn't tell Kibum about the board's reputation as a particularly fast decision-reacher, or the reason behind it; the rumor went that the faster they wrapped up, the sooner they could be celebrating a successful day of work at a local bar. The pattern was always the same; they partied, and Father Eric prayed extra hard at the altar the next time.
Some things never changed.
“Good news?” Siwon asked.
“Depends, I guess,” Dr Kim replied. “I will be delivering the news personally before going home tonight.” He paused. “If you're fine with that, that is.”
Siwon shrugged. “Be my guest.”
Kibu nodded and got up from his seat, walking towards the door.
“Oh, and Dr Kim?” Siwon said, and couldn't stop a grin from spreading on his face.
“Yes?”
“Don't make a habit out of exchanging shirts with the inmates.”
“I- uhh - understood, Warden Choi.”
**
A/N: Shinhwa the parole board was just this cracktastic idea I couldn't *not* use. It's probably the most edited section of the whole fic, probably because the first draft of it wasn't very *Shinhwa* so I edited and edited and added a million little things to make it more Shinhwa. For that reason, it may fail to amuse non-fans.
It's also the reason it's sooo ridiculously long.
They just don't give a shit. XD The level of unprofessionality is always enormously endearing to me.
Also, I wanted to make it so that everybody knew about KiHae, and again, just don't give a damn. It's sort of beautiful.
Oh, and the cancer scanner thingy is a throwback to Heechul's whining and also my tiiiiny tribute to the inspiring prison drama OZ (highly recommended for those of you ages 18+), where a male character got breast cancer.
Extras to be posted soon. More Shinhwa there. Sorry to non-fans. It's still SuJu prison AU, promise.
EXTRAS HERE!!!
I repeat: next chapter before Christmas. :)
first chapter // second chapter // third chapter // fourth chapter // fifth chapter // sixth chapter // seventh chapter // eighth chapter // ninth chapter
jailbird songs, chapter 10 out of 11
fandom: super junior au
rating: pg-13
pairings: ShiHan, KiHae, KangTeuk, YehWook, HyukSu, KyuMin, ShinBoa
word count: ~ 3,000
warnings: Crude things.
disclaimer: Did not happen, obviously. Peculiar and cracky and generally vapid.
notes; All of this AU will eventually be under the tag for prison!au.
Donghae breathed in slowly. This was going to be fine. He was prepared for this (well, sort of, anyway - admittedly most of their slotted preparation time with Kibum had been used for something much more important, and fun). He closed his hands into fists and breathed out again. Everything was going to be fine. So what if Shindong had just left the room looking extremely pale and worried. The parole board wouldn't rip Donghae into pieces. He hoped.
The warden entered the small waiting room and forced a smile at Donghae. “Feeling nervous?”
Donghae shrugged.
“I'm sure it'll go fine,” Warden Choi said, sounding rather unconvincing. “Anyway, I just came here to see Dr Kim but he doesn't seem to be around.”
“He was here earlier,” Donghae replied. “Delivering the files to the board. I didn't see him but Shindong told me.”
Donghae frowned and noticed Siwon looking at him carefully, but whatever he seemed to be seeing, the warden ignored. “Just as well. Good luck with it, Lee Donghae. I have to go now.”
And then it was time.
A guard opened the door for him and he walked in, in his suit and tie (so uncomfortable), and then stood before the parole board of five men.
Wait. Six men.
“Good afternoon, welcome to the parole hearing of prisoner...” one of the men began and then trailed off, staring at the papers before him. “Andy, where's the file?”
“It's right there,” the man next to him said, patting his hand against the stack of papers.
“No, that's just paper for me and Dongwan in case we get really bored.” The man grinned. “We're really phenomenal doodlers. Have you seen us doodle?”
“What was your name again?” the other man, Andy, asked Donghae with a pen in hand. As Donghae answered, he wrote it down. “Awesome, let's proceed.”
It wasn't how Donghae had imagined the hearing to begin, much less to continue.
“Is it this thing?” one of the men asked, waving a brown folder above their head.
Sighs of frustration followed and finally with the file before them, they sat up looking professional. Then they all looked at each other, looking professional, and burst into laughter. Then they, once again, sat up and this time managed to keep straight faces during the proceedings.
“Lee Donghae, you may sit down,” he was told and Donghae bowed and took a seat in front of the table.
As he sat down and glanced at all of his questioners, he noticed a familiar face in the line up.
“The five of us are the parole board, also known as the Legend, but Father Eric was kind enough to join this evaluation.” The speaker grinned. “Of course, this is supposed to be impartial and unbiased so we trust you to keep this knowledge to yourself. So, let's do the introductions. I'm Lee Minwoo, head of the parole committee.”
“I'm Kim Dongwan, vice head of the parole committee,” said the man on Minwoo's right, who looked all too happy to be there.
“I'm Andy Lee, senior assistant of the parole committee,” said the man to Minwoo's left, also smiling at Donghae.
“Shin Hyesung,” said the man next to Dongwan with a nod.
“I'm Junjin, SF comic image,” said the man next to Hyesung with an extremely serious face, and stuck out his arm so fast it made Donghae jump in his seat.
“I thought we agreed not to do the funny introductions!” Dongwan said indignantly, but grinned immediately afterwards.
“It's a guaranteed ice breaker, I just wanted to lighten up the mood,” Junjin defended himself, looking innocent.
“The prisoners don't even get it, so they don't tend to find it funny,” Hyesung pointed out.
“And the part where you do the hand thing, it's intimidating unless we all do it,” Minwoo said.
“Next time, let's just all do it, then we won't have a problem,” Junjin sighed and looked at Eric. “Hyung, introduce yourself.”
Eric simply looked at Donghae and tilted his head back slightly. “What up dog.”
“Hello, servant of God, I'm Eric!” Andy imitated and the board all cracked up.
Eric smacked the back of Andy's head in response.
“Hey, what happened to 'turn the other cheek'?” Andy asked.
“Which cheek?” Eric asked, poking Andy's face with a finger. “This one?” He poked the other cheek before Andy slapped his hand away.
“Eric and we go way back,” Minwoo explained. “In fact, you could say we're all kind of married to each other.”
“Can I tell him the story about Eric stealing all of Hyesung's underwear?” Dongwan asked.
“No!” Hyesung immediately answered.
“And you told it to about 19 prisoners before this guy, so by now we're the ones sick of hearing it,” Minwoo said.
Dongwan pouted (and Junjin imitated his pouting).
“The reason we're called the Legend is that we're Korea's number one parole board in terms of longevity,” Minwoo began explaining. “We've been together for nearly a decade now.”
“People often ask us how a parole board can stay together for such a long time,” Dongwan continued. “The answer is love.” He then leaned over and kissed Hyesung's cheek.
“Hey!” Hyesung exclaimed, wiping his cheek. “Warn next time.”
“Love doesn't need a warning,” Dongwan replied.
Andy opened the file and started handing out the board sheets of paper with Donghae's information on it.
“You comfortable, may we begin?” Andy asked.
Donghae braced himself. “Yes.”
“Your crime,” Andy read from the papers, his eyes widening. “Distributing pornography illegally.”
“Wow,” Minwoo said.
“That is something,” Dongwan agreed. “What kind of porn, though?”
Everybody behind the table gave him an odd look while Donghae was struggling to answer.
“You know, Japanese,” he finally managed and Dongwan nodded at him with a knowing look.
“Ahh,” Dongwan said.
“Nothing from other foreign countries, then?” Andy asked. “Eric watches a lot of American porn..”
“Not anymore!” Eric said hastily, looking embarrassed.
“We would hope not!” Minwoo said with a grin.
“On CDs or DVDs?” Junjin suddenly asked Donghae.
“What does it matter?” Hyesung asked Junjin.
“No reason, I just can never get the DVD's to play,” Junjin said, looking a lot less serious than just a moment ago, a goofy grin on his face.
What are these guys, Donghae thought to himself, for the millionth time during the parole hearing.
“That's because you need to re-set your DVD player's region to the Japanese one,” Dongwan instructed but trailed off as the rest stared at him.
“Moving away for Dongwan's area of expertise,” Minwoo said, then pausing. “It wasn't illegal porn, was it? Just illegal distribution of porn, right? No ...sick stuff.”
“No, no, it was legal porn. Just ..illegally and ..yeah.” Donghae looked down. This was weird. This was million types of weird and he had a feeling it would only get weirder.
“And you've stayed away from pornography during your sentence?” Minwoo asked, sounding professional once again.
“Yes,” Donghae answered, straightening in his seat. “Well. Sort of, anyway.”
Now that he thought of it, Kibum's advice about being honest probably hadn't been one worth considering.
Dongwan shrugged. “Of course. You do what you know best.”
“Yeah,” Andy agreed. “It's not a crime. Until you distribute it illegally, of course. Very bad,” he finished, but with a grin on his face.
“Everybody needs a hobby,” Dongwan continued. “I compose songs.”
“I do musical theater,” Andy said and looked at Eric, who sighed.
“I write rap lyrics,” Eric confessed.
I ..masturbate? Donghae thought, trying to wrap his head around the idea that his interest in pornography could be taken as a productive passtime.
“Hobbies are very positive,” Minwoo said. “We try to encourage the prisoners to get some if they haven't already. To develop one's talents, that's what life's all about, really.”
“Should we make him sing?” Hyesung asked, amused.
“No, he doesn't look like the singing type,” Junjin disagreed.
“Dance?” Eric suggested.
“Can you dance?” Andy asked Donghae.
Donghae swallowed. “I'm really out of practise.”
“Ah, your papers said you did hiphop at school. It's okay. Junjin will help you out! Get up!” Minwoo said with an encouraging smile.
Junjin got up, and awkwardly Donghae walked next to him in the space between his own chair and the table of the committee. They started off with some basic hiphop moves, things Donghae knew by heart, and even though he was out of practise, thought he did pretty good, imitating Junjin's movements as well as he could. But just as the whole hearing, as time passed, the moves got weirder and weirder.
“That was Hyesung's signature Crab Dance and Andy's clever variant of it,” Junjin said, slightly out of breath by now. “Should we do the Birds dance as well? Mommy Please Buy Me That dance? Banana Song?”
“Ba-naaa-nah!” Eric piped up.
“Banana..” Hyesung sang and they both burst into laughter.
“We're not always like this,” Minwoo assured Donghae.
“Yes, we are, hyung,” Junjin said, a little out of breath, as Eric threw some kind of a ball at Dongwan's head, and Dongwan threw it back at him.
“Yeah, but sometimes we're drunk, so it makes sense that we're like this,” Minwoo said matter-of-factly.
“Like what?” Dongwan asked, as Eric got up to juggle the ball and the stapler Andy handed him from the desk.
“Fuck,” Eric cursed as the stapler landed on Andy's foot. “Sorry G,” he then said.
“Like children,” Hyesung answered Dongwan.
“I think this should be enough,” Minwoo said. “Thank you, Donghae-sshi.”
“God, it's getting kind of late, should we be off to get some lunch?” Andy said, looking at his watch.
“Yeah, I think we're just about done here.” Dongwan sat back. “Oh wait, we forgot the obligatory questions.”
Everybody around the table groaned except Eric.
“I have a job, I think I'm going to go now, guys,” he said, standing up and grinning at the annoyed-looking parole board. “God can't wait.”
Hyesung snorted. “Traitor.”
Minwoo took a pencil and looked at a sheet of paper.
“Quickly now, I'm hungry, too,” he said and began reading. “Do you have any education towards a job you can apply for post-sentence?”
“Er,” Donghae said, thinking for a bit. “Yes.”
“Do you currently have violent tendencies, narcotic addictions or anything else which may once again lead you down the path of crime?”
Donghae saw various board members rolling their eyes. “No,” he answered.
“Have you engaged in any illegal activities inside the prison during your sentence thus far?”
“No,” Donghae said.
“Have you physically assaulted anybody during your sentence thus far?”
“Not unless they wanted me to,” Donghae answered thruthfully.
“Good enough for us,” Minwoo said and ticked another box. “Have you kept up at least one mental and one physical hobby during your sentence thus far?”
“Yes,” Donghae said.
“Do you have any non-criminal, non-former criminal contacts in the outside world, besides your family?”
“Yes,” Donghae said.
“Have you had sex with Dr Kim Kibum?”
“Yes,” Donghae said, and then realized the question. “I mean, no! Definitely no, no sex at all.”
Minwoo laughed out loud. “Cough up, Hyesung, that will be 20,000 won.”
“Goddammit,” Hyesung swore. “I seriously thought the shrink didn't look the type.”
“They never do, do they,” Andy said.
Donghae looked desperately at the board. “I swear, I didn't--”
“No, it's okay,” Minwoo interrupted.
“It's friggin' prison, of course you get lonely,” Dongwan said sympathetically.
“Now, most people don't with the shrink out of all people,” Andy said, grinning.
“Like something out of a drama,” Junjin mused.
“What kind of dramas do you watch, Jinnie?” Minwoo asked, amused.
“Chinese,” Junjin shrugged.
“Are we done?” Hyesung asked, irritated. “I'm seriously hungry.”
“We're done,” Minwoo decided. “Thank you, Lee Donghae, for your time. You'll hear our decision within two days' time. We're not supposed to let you know anything about the outcome so I'll just surreptitiously wink at you and it will most certainly not mean you passed. I must stress that it doesn't mean anything, especially not that we like you or that you're getting your parole as fast as possible.”
With those parting words, Minwoo winked at Donghae. The rest of the board was smiling.
“Thank you,” Donghae said with a bow, his cheeks flushing with sudden joy.
The guard opened the door for him and as he stepped out of the room, loosening his tie as he was escorted back to his cell, he felt as if walking just a few inches above the ground.
**
Everybody at the table stared at Shindong, who looked down at his tray awkwardly.
“What the shit,” Kangin finally said.
“They actually made you do that?” Yesung asked, equally shocked.
“I heard they made Micky act out scenes from that Kim Sam-soon drama,” Shindong said with a heavy sigh. “So I guess I didn't get the worst end of the stick after all.”
“Still,” Kangin said, shaking his head. “That's rough.”
“Daniel Henney scenes?” Ryeowook asked.
Shindong shook his head. “Kissing scenes.”
“I don't believe that,” Kangin said.
“Well, it's true. I just hope I get out so I don't have to ever go through with it again,” Shindong concluded.
Ryeowook was looking over at the other table. “Donghae seems to be fine, post-parole hearing.”
“Well, he's Donghae,” Sungmin said with a shrug. “He lives in his own world, what could possibly harm him?”
“Besides, he finally got off with Dr Kim,” Eeteuk said. “No wonder he'd be happy.”
“Yeah, yeah, and Hyukjae's gay and Kyuhyun makes a lot of noise in bed, it's all old news,” Yesung said tiredly.
Kyuhyun was blushing. “I don't ..who told you that?”
“People talk,” Yesung said nonchalantly and looked at Kangin.
“I don't talk. Or listen, for that matter,” Kangin said defensively.
“Or think,” Eeteuk said, shoving at Kangin's head playfully as Kangin glared at him.
“I gotta go ask Donghae whether I have therapy today,” Shindong said, standing up. “God knows I'd need it.”
Sungmin looked at him and smiled sympathetically. “Make sure Hyukjae's not dying over there.”
“If he is, at least we now know Junsu's willing to give him CPR,” Shindong joked. “Oh, that was too cruel. Was that too cruel?”
“Who cares, you're getting parole,” Kangin said irritably. “Just go.”
“Fresh smell of envy in the air,” Shindong commented.
“Or then you just didn't wash this morning,” Kangin replied.
“And whose fault would that be,” Shindong asked sardonically. “You guys took your time in the shower this morning.”
Kangin blushed. “Well, that just-- really-- totally besides the point.”
But by then Shindong had already gone.
**
“So what did they give you besides the three months added to your prison sentence?” Donghae asked Hyukjae.
“The cruel and unusual punishment of having to share a cell with Kim Heechul,” Hyukjae replied glumly.
“Aww, cheer up, Mrs Kim Junsu,” Heechul said. “I'm almost done mocking your terribly lengthy period of closet-living and denial.”
“I wish I could believe you,” Hyukjae said.
“You have to admit it's amusing,” Heechul said.
“Not as amusing as your eventual slow painful death in my hands,” Hyukjae said grimly.
“Well, as a news item it beats Donghae getting laid,” Heechul said with a shrug.
Donghae snapped back to reality. “What? I didn't get laid. Who's saying I got laid? I never got laid.”
“You went to therapy and came back in a different shirt. What do you suppose we're going to conclude from that?” Hyukjae asked Donghae.
“I spilled coffee on my shirt,” Donghae said.
“And Kibum offered you his?”
Donghae shrugged. “He happened to have a spare.”
Heechul rolled his eyes. “This is the least imaginative lie I've ever heard.”
“It's purest factual fact there is,” Donghae replied.
“Uhh, right,” Heechul said. “This is dull. Everybody's happy and getting laid. Where's the drama? Somebody should at least end up dying of cancer.”
“Fingers crossed,” Hyukjae said. “I'm going now. Have to go clean.”
“Stay away from any cleaning closets!” Heechul yelled after him.
**
Siwon had a head ache, for a change. He held the bridge of his nose with two fingers and refused to look at Dr Eva in the eye.
“Remind me again why this hyper-expensive equipment would be useful?”
Eva sighed. “It can only identify about a million forms of early and advanced staged cancer.”
“It's advertised as a breast cancer detecting device,” Siwon said tiredly.
“So?”
“How many cases of breast cancer do we get in this prison per year?”
“Well, it's uncommon among men but not at all impossible..”
Siwon sighed. “Okay, okay. You know what? I'll consider it.”
Yeah, right. And maybe everybody can donate their lunch money and they can buy themselves not only a fancy cancer-detecting machine, but also a snooker table, an in-door pool and an artificial insemination laboratory.
Dr Eva left with a smile on her face and as she opened the door to step outside, Dr Kim was standing behind it. Siwon did not enjoy his sudden popularity. The only person he actually needed to see was Han Geng, to talk about the transfers, and the next weekend--
“Parole results?” he asked Dr Kim, looking at the folder in his hands.
“Yes,” Kibum said. “They came very quickly, so I suppose the decisions were reached easily.”
Siwon didn't tell Kibum about the board's reputation as a particularly fast decision-reacher, or the reason behind it; the rumor went that the faster they wrapped up, the sooner they could be celebrating a successful day of work at a local bar. The pattern was always the same; they partied, and Father Eric prayed extra hard at the altar the next time.
Some things never changed.
“Good news?” Siwon asked.
“Depends, I guess,” Dr Kim replied. “I will be delivering the news personally before going home tonight.” He paused. “If you're fine with that, that is.”
Siwon shrugged. “Be my guest.”
Kibu nodded and got up from his seat, walking towards the door.
“Oh, and Dr Kim?” Siwon said, and couldn't stop a grin from spreading on his face.
“Yes?”
“Don't make a habit out of exchanging shirts with the inmates.”
“I- uhh - understood, Warden Choi.”
**
A/N: Shinhwa the parole board was just this cracktastic idea I couldn't *not* use. It's probably the most edited section of the whole fic, probably because the first draft of it wasn't very *Shinhwa* so I edited and edited and added a million little things to make it more Shinhwa. For that reason, it may fail to amuse non-fans.
It's also the reason it's sooo ridiculously long.
They just don't give a shit. XD The level of unprofessionality is always enormously endearing to me.
Also, I wanted to make it so that everybody knew about KiHae, and again, just don't give a damn. It's sort of beautiful.
Oh, and the cancer scanner thingy is a throwback to Heechul's whining and also my tiiiiny tribute to the inspiring prison drama OZ (highly recommended for those of you ages 18+), where a male character got breast cancer.
Extras to be posted soon. More Shinhwa there. Sorry to non-fans. It's still SuJu prison AU, promise.
EXTRAS HERE!!!
I repeat: next chapter before Christmas. :)