prison au epilogue xtras.
The - probably creepy - thing about prison!au KiHae is that they went from extreme UST to oversexed right after I figured out they'd be living together after the fic ended. Hence the many, many, oversexed, ridiculous KiHae ficlets I set post-epilogue. Um. I have no excuses. The people I showed this to only encouraged it. So here you have it.
Lists, Redux - a KiHae interlude (EPILOGUE EXTRA)
After two months of living with Kibum, Donghae makes a list of things he likes about living with Kibum. Sadly the list becomes largely “places in their apartment Donghae likes to have sex in” so he asks Kibum for help.
“Why not list things we do in the apartment, besides ...that.” Kibum still looks weirded out by the list, and Donghae's glad he doesn't know about the other lists he's made about Kibum, and reminds himself to hide them, or burn them. Just in case.
“Eating's not that fun,” Donghae says. “Nor is sleeping.”
“We played Monopoly a few weeks back,” Kibum remembers suddenly. Then he frowns. “Of course, I lost and had to pay my rent to you in sexual favors.”
“I'd consider that a victory.”
“I won the game before that, though.”
“I let you win that one.”
“You did not!”
“Selling you the stations? It was like feeding the starving, come on.”
“I wasn't starving,” Kibum says, frowning.
“You're right, Monopoly does rock,” Donghae says and adds it on the list.
“TV's fun,” Kibum says, ignoring Donghae. “Of course, I do get sick of you pairing up the guys in dramas all the time. And I still don't think Coffee Prince is the greatest gay romance ever. She was a girl, that's that.”
“He fell in love with her as a boy, you can't deny,” Donghae replied. “Shower,” he adds.
“I thought you already listed that,” Kibum said.
“No, just the sink-toilet area.”
Kibum rolls his eyes. “There's something not quite normal about us. You know, the period in a relationship where a couple has sex more than five times a week generally only lasts four or five months at most. It's been seven for us. It worries me.”
“We're special,” Donghae says with a grin.
“No, you're special. It's like you only have two modes, horny and sleeping. How many times a day do you masturbate?” Kibum asks, taking what used to be Donghae's list and turning it over.
Donghae frowns. “Something tells me you're not talking dirty. But fine, I'll play. Five to seven.”
Kibum's eyes widen, scribbling down the number. “What about the days you have sexual intercourse?”
Donghae pauses to consider. “Five to seven.”
“Would you say it's impossible for you to go long without masturbation? Have you ever tried celibacy?” Kibum asks, not even looking up from his notes.
“Dr Kim,” Donghae says with emphasis. “I went to prison. You know I only had sex there once.”
Kibum blushes. “I'm talking the kind where you also refrain from masturbation.”
“Sounds terrible,” Donghae says honestly.
“It builds character,” Kibum argues.
“It's unnatural,” Donghae remarks.
“So you won't even try it?” Kibum sighs. “Sex addiction is a serious illness, possibly even worse than some drug addictions..”
“I'm not addicted!” Donghae exclaims, almost offended. “I just really like it. You liked it too, last night.”
A bit below the belt perhaps but Donghae feels like he was forced to use the tactic. Watching Kibum redden in the face, it seems to be working.
“That's beside the point, it's not about me,” Kibum says defensively.
“So how many times do you jerk off?”
“That's ..personal.”
“Then how come you asked me?”
“Because you might need help.”
“Are you offering me help?” Donghae grins. “A hand?”
“Funny,” Kibum says, not looking amused at all. “I'm going celibate.”
“It doesn't count if somebody else jerks you off, right?” Donghae asks.
Kibum doesn't answer him, but instead walks to the sofa and switches the TV on.
“Oh fucking Christ, fine!” Donghae says, giving up. “I'll join your stupid no-sex campaign.”
Kibum smiles at him as he settles down on the sofa, and Donghae doesn't see anything there to be happy about. “So how long are we going to do this for?”
“I was thinking a week or so,” Kibum answers.
“What?” Donghae is shocked. “I thought you meant like, until tomorrow or something.”
“Until tomorrow? Why would we try celibacy for a couple of hours? What would be the point?”
“I don't know, variety? It was your idea!”
“Exactly, so if we do it, we should do it my way.”
Donghae frowns. “My way is better, though.”
“It's going to be fine, trust me.” Kibum pats Donghae's shoulder. “I'm going to bed now.”
“To do what?” Donghae asks, sulking.
“To read.”
Donghae gets up and follows him.
“Donghae, we're not going to have sex tonight,” Kibum says tiredly.
“I'm just making sure you don't touch yourself whilst 'reading',” Donghae says, eyeing Kibum suspiciously.
Kibum sighs. “Fine.”
Eventually Donghae can no longer keep on eye on Kibum and reading, and to his regret falls asleep. It's going to be a long week.
**
Yeah, like that. Only it gets worse. Or better. You decide.
Normal - Donghae and the art of Zen ..sort of
So maybe he isn't normal, Kibum's made him realize. Like, apparently normal people can be without clothes and not want to get it on, and apparently cuddling isn't just a thing you do to kill time between two 'sexual performances' as Kibum calls them. Kibum has a lot of weird words for a lot of things, and some of them aren't even hot, Donghae's realized, which is a real downer considering Kibum uses those words a lot sometimes.
And Kibum's also made Donghae realize that that's part of his problem, a willingness to associate everything with sexual stimulation. So Kibum's now keen on helping Donghae and they're doing intimacy exercises and relaxation exercises and all this other boring crap Donghae wishes he didn't have to suffer through.
Kibum even made him look at pictures, and have Donghae say what they reminded him of. A lot of them were phallic and obvious, but it's not really things that make Donghae think about sex, he doesn't get off on gear shifts or cucumbers. It's more people. People like Kibum, which makes the whole learning-nonsexual-intimacy thing slightly problematic.
Donghae has pointed out that maybe Kibum's the one with the problem, separating his professional and private life. Kibum disagrees, and that's when Donghae brings up how Kibum's plants keep dying and yet his florist boyfriend does not interfere.
“You're such a bastard,” Kibum says. “You can't even help me out with my plants and I'm trying to help you out with yourself.”
“I just leave the work in the office,” Donghae replies.
“You don't even have an office,” Kibum says.
Despite this, and the whole celibacy thing (lasted about four days, and it was Kibum who caved first - something Donghae will never fail to bring up), or the intimacy exercises, or any of their peculiar dysfunction, not much seems to change between them. They fight and make up and conclude they're different, and that's weird, but they still fit and still love each other (and Donghae hates this type of mushiness, and Kibum secretly loves it).
***
So, um, about those four days...
Breaking Resolution - or a story about one of the few times Kim Kibum has failed in anything
It was actually all Donghae's fault when Kibum thought about it. Kibum has been in relationships before but a live in relationship with - to be frank - a sex maniac is quite something else. Kibum simply got used to it, got used to doing things and having sex or having something quite close to sex every day, several times a day, spending a whole Saturday in bed. This was simply what living with Lee Donghae was like, and he had come to accept it.
The old Kibum could've done it no problem. The old Kibum, the Kibum-before-Donghae could've said thanks but no thanks to sex for a week no problem, even given up masturbation (Donghae had a point, it was reasonably unnatural to do so, but still), for old Kibum it would not have been anything overly difficult.
The new Kibum, however, well, he struggled.
He struggled considerably.
Their celibacy started fine, if 'fine' was Kibum finding Donghae's mouth around his cock the very next morning after their celibacy promise. He was tired - no, really, he was very tired - so he didn't say no or fight it, but after Donghae came back up, his head poking from beneath the blanket, grinning down at Kibum who was still out of breath, Kibum decided it was time for a reminder.
“You remember last night?” he asked Donghae.
“Yeah,” Donghae said. “We didn't even make out so I thought I'd make up for it now.”
“We agreed on celibacy,” Kibum said. “Last night.”
“Oh,” Donghae said, his grin fading a bit. “That sucks.”
“Well, let's just agree it starts now,” Kibum said, rolling onto the edge of the bed and sitting up.
“Can it not start like say, five minutes from now?” Donghae asked.
“Why five minutes?” Kibum asked.
“I was hoping you'd return my favor,” Donghae said, grinning.
“I didn't ask you to do it,” Kibum said, sighing. “And I have work.”
“This celibacy thing isn't going to go anywhere, you know,” Donghae said, sitting up and reaching his arms around Kibum's waist.
“But we agreed...”
“And I forgot,” Donghae said into his ear, his breath tickling Kibum. “So why don't you forget, too, for five minutes and s--”
“Fine, fine,” Kibum agreed, smiling a little and put his feet back up on the bed. “Five minutes, and if you take a second longer--”
“A challenge,” Donghae said, excitedly. “I like it already.”
So it started about as disastrously as anything possibly could, but the way it continued, Kibum was reasonably happy with. Donghae avoided suggestive tones, excessive touching, they actually did some honest-to-god cuddling without it leading to sex of any kind and all was going well for three days until. Well, until - and admittedly, this part was more Kibum's fault than Donghae's - Donghae took a shower and Kibum caved.
In all its simplicity, it happened something like this. Donghae announced he was taking a shower, not grandly or anything, not really in any way that might excuse Kibum from this grave error. Kibum nodded his head and pretended not to be really listening, but it had been four days and usually within four days, something happened. He'd been so certain Donghae wouldn't last this long, or even half this long.
So there he was, supposedly typing away something work-related on his laptop and not thinking about Donghae taking a shower. He'd taken showers himself, several, and Donghae hadn't even come to the bathroom while he'd been showering.
Nothing.
Nothing.
And then a thought struck him. Maybe Donghae's nothing was actually something. Maybe he was right now, in the shower, and just like that Kibum closed the laptop screen and made his way to the bathroom, already filled with steam, the shower curtains drawn closed.
“Hey,” he called out hesitantly.
Donghae poked his head out from between the shower curtains. “What?”
“You okay there?” Kibum asked awkwardly.
“Um, yes, I'm fine, thanks. How come?”
“I just, um, the water supply and .. are you masturbating?”
Donghae blinked at him. “No. Celibacy, remember?”
“I remember!” Kibum exclaimed defensively. “Just making sure you do.”
“Okay,” Donghae said, going back behind the curtain. “Thanks.”
Without thinking about it, Kibum pulled the curtain open. “How can you be fine?”
“What?” Donghae asked, looking puzzled.
“You shouldn't be so fine!” Kibum said, trying not to look at Donghae naked. “You're you! How can you be so fine with this?”
“Are you not fine with this?” Donghae asked slowly, and Kibum knew he would grin soon, and he knew that the grin would mean he'd lost and if he was going to lose, he might as well lose properly, once and for all.
And that's how he ended up stepping into the shower, fully clothed and everything, and kissing Donghae hungrily.
In retrospect, he considered that these things were relative anyhow. Four days of celibacy, on his scale, was maybe a year, or two, on normal people's scale.
If there even was such a thing as normal. Donghae made him forget about such things.
***
Are you sick of implied pr0nz yet? I know you're not!
INTERMISSION
Donghae finds there can be times when Kibum does not know everything.
“Hey, what's a fluffer?” Kibum asks.
“Come here,” Donghae replies. “I'll show you.”
--
AN: I totally stole that joke from the British comedy show Green Wing, I admit. If you don't know what a fluffer is, you're probably not old enough to know, anyway. ;)
***
This one goes out to all my Russian readers. Or, er, the two of them. AYRAY/LALAIF, YOU RULE HARDER THAN PUTIN.
In Lub - KiHae & Russian
“You know,” Donghae says in a tone that makes Kibum expect the worst, “Russians have a saying..”
“How do you suddenly know about Russian sayings?” Kibum asks him.
Donghae looks insulted. “I read!”
“Is this going to be something dirty?”
Donghae grins. “Do you want it to be dirty?”
“No!”
“Because I can make it dirty if you lik--”
Kibum clears his throat. “What is the saying, Donghae?”
“One can make a bed soft, but it will still be difficult to sleep in,” Donghae says.
“Right,” Kibum says. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, you're always messing with the pillows. I think what Russians are trying to tell us is basically, why sleep at all? The bed is difficult to sleep in,” Donghae finishes emphatically and looks at Kibum.
“I don't think that's what the proverb means,” Kibum says, frowning. “I think it's saying, one should beware an attractive offer.”
“No,” Donghae denies. “Attractive offers are nice. That's why they're attractive.”
“But they can be very misleading, and one may end up in a lot of trouble,” Kibum argues. “That's why the soft bed is difficult to sleep in.”
“Are you Russian?” Donghae asks irritably. “Russians also have a saying, 'A fly will not get into a closed mouth.'”
Kibum sighs. “What is your point, Donghae?”
“Well, I want to go to bed,” Donghae begins, pushing the magazine Kibum is reading, off his lap and onto the floor, “but I'm not sleepy.”
“Oh, that's subtle,” Kibum says sarcastically, edging away from Donghae. “And you thought Russian wisdom would do the trick?”
“Why not,” Donghae says and moves closer to Kibum, staring at him. “Seems to be working on you.”
“I didn't agree to anything,” Kibum says as blush creeps up his collar.
“Sure,” Donghae replies, leaning closer. “Ты такой милый.”
“What?” Kibum manages before Donghae kisses him, pushing him back against the sofa pillows.
A/N: That's "You're cute" for y'all non-Russian speakers. Thanks to maryagnetha for the correction.
***
So, SiHan had cuff fic and in my head Kangteuk had cuff fic (pre-prison, where Kangin was like, "You know, I have this idea, like, hand-cuffs.." and Teukie was like, "LOL NO." and Kangin was like, "But.. :(" and Teukie just laughed and shook his head)... And anyway, the point is, Kihae had cuff fic, too.
Untitled cuff fic
Kibum came home and found Donghae in the living-room, going through the contents of a cardboard box.
"What are you doing?" Kibum asked.
"Unpacking," Donghae answered.
Upon closer inspection, Kibum noticed it wasn't one of Donghae's own boxes he was happily unpacking.
"That's my stuff!" Kibum exclaimed. "You're rifling through my stuff!"
"Please," Donghae said, "we live together. We have no secrets. It's just toy cars and stuff in English, I can't read it anyway."
"Still," Kibum said irritably, "you should've asked before opening it."
"It's nothing interesting," Donghae shrugged.
Kibum made ramen and sat on the sofa, watching Donghae go through his private belongings, occasionally answering questions about random college notebooks and Polaroids of old friends.
"Aha, jackpot," Donghae said suddenly. "What's the story behind these?"
Kibum colored immediately, seeing the item. He let out a nervous laugh. "Oh, those? Um."
"I knew you had a hidden side like this," Donghae said, grinning.
"It's not like I used them!" Kibum exclaimed in panic. "My college girlfriend liked stupid gifts like that, that's all."
"Yeah, the fluff around the cuffs is really stupid," Donghae said, standing up and looking at them closer. "No wonder you didn't use them."
"No, I didn't use them because I don't use stuff like ...that." Kibum frowned. "Can you put them away?"
"They're all tiny, too," Donghae said, sitting down next to Kibum, grabbing his hand. "No way they'd fit around your wrists, look, look ..oh figure that."
"Oh, good one," Kibum said irritably. "Donghae, take it off my wrist."
"Relax, it's not like the other one is tied anywhere," Donghae replied. "Plus the pink looks nice on you, let's watch TV."
"I hate you sometimes," Kibum said but with a smile, and with his uncuffed hand reached for the remote control.
*
"I'm not going to bed until you take this off, you know," Kibum said. “I tried looking for the key, but couldn't find it, so you must have it.”
"Don't be stupid, it's practically just a soft toy around your wrist." Donghae sighed. "What do you think I'm going to do, tie you down and torture you?"
"I'm not getting on the bed until you take it off," Kibum insisted, holding his hand-cuffed wrist forward.
"If I must.." Donghae said, grinning as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. "Now can you stop being childish and get on the bed."
"I didn't mean.." Kibum began saying but quickly gave up, his eyes moving over Donghae's chest and then decidedly not looking at anything at all. "Just open the cuff."
"Tell you what," Donghae said, pulling at Kibum's hand, "I'll take it off after you get on the bed."
"Promise?" Kibum asked, but allowed himself to be pulled on the bed anyway, Donghae's mouth meeting his, his uncuffed hand traveling across Donghae's back as he moved to straddle Donghae's lap.
"Sure," Donghae breathed against Kibum's cheek as he pushed Kibum down on the bed, and helped the other take off his shirt. His hand was still around Kibum's cuffed hand, fingers entwined as Donghae pushed both of Kibum's hands up until they hit the pillow, and Kibum gasped into the kiss, his hands struggling against Donghae's hold just the slightest.
But Donghae was quick and surprisingly strong, and before Kibum's brain caught up, both of his hands were cuffed, the chain clanking against one of his bedposts' bars.
"You promised!" Kibum groaned, not as angrily as he would've liked, but that too was Donghae's fault, his tongue flicking across Kibum's collarbone.
"I promised I'd take it off after you get on the bed. I didn't say when exactly," Donghae corrected calmly, his breath hitting Kibum's navel now.
"I really hate you," Kibum said, pulling at the cuffs weakly.
"Oh yeah?" Donghae asked curiously as he stripped off Kibum's underwear.
"Y-yeah," Kibum managed, the word turning into a moan in his mouth.
*
"I hope you have the key for this," Kibum said.
"Oh god, stop watching so much TV," Donghae said. "These things unlock without cuffs because people are fucking idiots and would just lose the keys."
"Oh," Kibum said awkwardly as Donghae showed him how the cuffs open. "How do you know this stuff?"
"I used to work at a toystore," Donghae simply said, throwing the cuffs on the floor. "That was not a good pair."
"A toystore?" Kibum asked, confused for a moment.
Donghae grinned as the realization dawned on Kibum.
"You know, that explains so much about your psyche," Kibum said, rubbing his wrists. "The fluff doesn't really help, you know, I'm still all sore."
"Poor you," Donghae said empathically. "I'll wear them next time, don't worry."
"I didn't mean that!" Kibum exclaimed.
"Your eyes were saying it."
"You're very bad at reading people."
"Not true, I always know when you're hungry or horny."
"No, you always assume I'm one or the other."
"Are you not always one or the other?" Donghae grinned.
"Shut up," Kibum said, grinning back. "I'm going to go order Chinese food."
---
Yeah.. So that's it. Aren't they a beautifully domestic couple?
Hope you enjoyed. :)