a real shit show....
My mom says I'll laugh about this next week.
I left work early and was on my way home. I had some things to do before a new guy I'm seeing comes over tonight. I have a final in the morning so we're celebrating Halloween by wearing our costumes and watching cheesy horror movies.
So I'm about a block away from my apartment building, and I think to myself "wow, it really smells like shit out here". They've been doing construction laying new pipes on my block, so I thought that's why it smelled like shit. And I mean actual shit, not just a bad smell.
I walk into my apartment building - shit smell is stronger.
I walk down the stairs towards my apartment door - shit smell is even stronger. I'm scared.
I open the door to my apartment and the shit smell hits me in the face. I can see my dog's kennel from my door way. She is the wrong color brown.
I walk in the door and see that she (a corgi) is absolutely covered in shit. This is not a small amount.
I come up with a game plan. First thing - she needs a bath. I lay a garbage bag in front of her kennel. I strip naked; there is no way I'm going to get shit on my clothes. I get my yellow dish gloves, because I do not want to touch this much shit.
So I get her out of her kennel and pick her up, holding her out front of me, but far away enough that her body isn't touching mine. About half way to the bathroom, she shits. She shits and it goes all down my front. She shits and it runs all down the front of my naked body. I try not to freak out because she's already scared.
I put her in the bath, and wipe myself off with her pet wipes. I bathe her completely, but feel she needs a second bath. Because. Shit. I drain the tub, rinse it out, and start the water for her second bath. She loves baths, so I leave her in the tub, and walk out into the living room to get my phone because I absolutely have to call my mom about this.
As I'm grabbing my phone, I step on a shard of glass. My foot is bleeding profusely. I sit on the floor to pull out this shard of glass when I hear tiny footsteps behind me. My dog with the three inch legs has managed to get out of the tub and run into the room. She runs into the room, where I'm sitting on the floor and proceeds to shit all over my living room and kitchen floor. I am helpless as I watch this happen. Because not only am I bleeding. But I'm naked.
I just spent two hours cleaning up shit. It took two rolls of paper towels, lots of clorox, 5 wet swiffer wipes, two garbage bags, three baths, about 30 pet wipes, and four candles. I can't tell if it still smells like shit in here, or if the shit smell is burned into my nostrils.
I called my guy and told him that I wasn't sure if he wanted to come over, then I told him the story.
Then, to make me feel better, he told me about this time a few months ago where he shit his pants. He sharted on the way to a date, called to reschedule, she didn't believe him, so he told her the truth. She didn't want to see him again after that.
I left work early and was on my way home. I had some things to do before a new guy I'm seeing comes over tonight. I have a final in the morning so we're celebrating Halloween by wearing our costumes and watching cheesy horror movies.
So I'm about a block away from my apartment building, and I think to myself "wow, it really smells like shit out here". They've been doing construction laying new pipes on my block, so I thought that's why it smelled like shit. And I mean actual shit, not just a bad smell.
I walk into my apartment building - shit smell is stronger.
I walk down the stairs towards my apartment door - shit smell is even stronger. I'm scared.
I open the door to my apartment and the shit smell hits me in the face. I can see my dog's kennel from my door way. She is the wrong color brown.
I walk in the door and see that she (a corgi) is absolutely covered in shit. This is not a small amount.
I come up with a game plan. First thing - she needs a bath. I lay a garbage bag in front of her kennel. I strip naked; there is no way I'm going to get shit on my clothes. I get my yellow dish gloves, because I do not want to touch this much shit.
So I get her out of her kennel and pick her up, holding her out front of me, but far away enough that her body isn't touching mine. About half way to the bathroom, she shits. She shits and it goes all down my front. She shits and it runs all down the front of my naked body. I try not to freak out because she's already scared.
I put her in the bath, and wipe myself off with her pet wipes. I bathe her completely, but feel she needs a second bath. Because. Shit. I drain the tub, rinse it out, and start the water for her second bath. She loves baths, so I leave her in the tub, and walk out into the living room to get my phone because I absolutely have to call my mom about this.
As I'm grabbing my phone, I step on a shard of glass. My foot is bleeding profusely. I sit on the floor to pull out this shard of glass when I hear tiny footsteps behind me. My dog with the three inch legs has managed to get out of the tub and run into the room. She runs into the room, where I'm sitting on the floor and proceeds to shit all over my living room and kitchen floor. I am helpless as I watch this happen. Because not only am I bleeding. But I'm naked.
I just spent two hours cleaning up shit. It took two rolls of paper towels, lots of clorox, 5 wet swiffer wipes, two garbage bags, three baths, about 30 pet wipes, and four candles. I can't tell if it still smells like shit in here, or if the shit smell is burned into my nostrils.
I called my guy and told him that I wasn't sure if he wanted to come over, then I told him the story.
Then, to make me feel better, he told me about this time a few months ago where he shit his pants. He sharted on the way to a date, called to reschedule, she didn't believe him, so he told her the truth. She didn't want to see him again after that.