Beginning Light [FanFic]
Title: Beginning Light
Author: Tooks
Pairing: Hotch/Prentiss
Rating: FRC
Prompt: "Starting Afresh" by criminal_prompt
Summary: Hotch starts to push Emily away, but she has a better idea
Notes: This is based on the prompt of "Starting Afresh" by criminal_prompt. It's based off events I wrote in my Hotch's 5 Stages so it's a little AU. But...Season 5 spoilers!
After the dance in Wyoming they’d continued to grow closer and closer…nothing physical, or even official, but it was certainly beyond the stage of a friendship. Then Haley was murdered and it was like someone hit the reset button on them. All those tiny, wonderful, intimacies they’d created were stopped - no more plans for meeting up in the morning and preparing coffee together, no more shared late nights working on finishing paperwork, and no more taking each other out on the dance floor. To start Emily didn’t worry about it; Hotch needed to grieve and to figure his and Jack’s life out and those were things that she knew he’d rater do in private (just like she would). But, as time passed, the man seemed to drift farther from her and into himself. Still she didn’t speak up until a rather familiar pattern reemerged…wanting to partner with her only to almost completely ignore her when he did. She knew the reason behind this behavior as surely as she did his unnecessary formality towards her. “You’re pushing me away, aren't you?” Emily asked slowly, already rather sure of the answer but wishing it wasn’t true, as she stood in the doorway of his office.
The man looked up at her voice slowly, his mouth open some as if to speak, before he shut it once more and looked back down at his file. “I’m sorry.” His own version of a confession that, yes, he was.
“I don’t want you to be sorry,” she sighed as she moved into his office, “I want you to be happy.”
“I’d rather you be safe than me be happy.” Hotch then looked up and continued before she had a chance to counter, “I’m sorry for letting you get as close as you did.”
“I wanted to get that close, Hotch.” Actually she wanted to get one hell of a lot closer but, like him, preferred to take things too slow than too fast. “I still do. Do you?” If he truly didn’t she could accept that, she’d be hurt but being hurt by men was nothing new to her.
Hotch looked back down, “I…I don’t want you to get hurt because of me. I’ve lost enough people I care about, I don’t want to loose another.” Meaning, yes, he still did but fears of loss and more pain prevented him from allowing it at the moment.
Emily nodded, finally going to sit down in a chair opposite him, “And you don’t think you can loose something you freely give up?” At a nod from her fellow agent she smiled softly, sadly, “That’s not true.” Hotch glanced back up. “Matthew was my friend, and I left him when I left Italy. I hadn’t seen him in years but that didn’t lessen the love I had for him or the pain of losing him.”
“His murder wasn’t your fault, Emily,” Hotch reassured her gently.
“Wasn’t it?” Emily’s eyes watered a touch, “Because of choices I made he lost his way, Hotch. Maybe I wasn’t there to continually push him down the wrong path, the one that ended in his death, but I wasn’t there to save him either.” She then took a deep breath not unlike a sniffle and ran her fingers under her eyes to collect any possible tears that might escape. She then forced a small smile, “I think we should start over.”
“Excuse me?” Hotch was a touch thrown by the seeming change in topic.
Emily took another deep breath sniffle, “This…” she motioned her hand back and forth between them, “whatever it is. We keep letting our fears and our pasts dictate it. I think, in order to really give it a try, we need to start fresh.”
“I can’t just forget about Haley,” Hotch said a little crossly, “I can’t pretend that that part of my life never happened, Emily.”
“That’s not what I mean,” she clarified quickly, “I mean that we should remember Haley, and Matthew, but keep focused on the good parts. We should remember that they loved us and wanted us happy, Hotch. We can’t focus on their deaths, can’t assume that because we lost them we’ll lose everyone we get close to.” She then smiled, “We should live in their light, not their shadow.”
Hotch considered the words for some time, carefully dissecting what Emily said to ensure she wasn’t asking for the impossible…to negate Haley and her lasting impact on him. She wasn’t. He smiled, but then frowned in puzzlement, “How do we do that? Start over?”
Emily shrugged with a smile as she confessed, “I really don’t know. How about…we start with going out for coffee?”
“I’ve had enough coffee,” Hotch smiled a little, “How about a meal?”
“A meal is good.” Emily went to stand up and then looked at him, “Hotch?”
He stood up as well, “Yes?”
“Do you think we can go dancing too?”
The man laughed some, “Depends…do I get to lead?”
“Absolutely, Sir.” she teased some in her use of formality.
“Very well, Agent Prentiss, I’m sure we can fit it into the schedule.” His voice was stern, formal, as he played along...only his wonderfully rare bright smile gave it away.
It still wasn’t official, it wasn’t physical, but at least it was a beginning…a true, fresh, beginning.
"You can never plan the future by the past." --Edmund Burke
---
For those interested:
Hotch's 5 Stages:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Author: Tooks
Pairing: Hotch/Prentiss
Rating: FRC
Prompt: "Starting Afresh" by criminal_prompt
Summary: Hotch starts to push Emily away, but she has a better idea
Notes: This is based on the prompt of "Starting Afresh" by criminal_prompt. It's based off events I wrote in my Hotch's 5 Stages so it's a little AU. But...Season 5 spoilers!
After the dance in Wyoming they’d continued to grow closer and closer…nothing physical, or even official, but it was certainly beyond the stage of a friendship. Then Haley was murdered and it was like someone hit the reset button on them. All those tiny, wonderful, intimacies they’d created were stopped - no more plans for meeting up in the morning and preparing coffee together, no more shared late nights working on finishing paperwork, and no more taking each other out on the dance floor. To start Emily didn’t worry about it; Hotch needed to grieve and to figure his and Jack’s life out and those were things that she knew he’d rater do in private (just like she would). But, as time passed, the man seemed to drift farther from her and into himself. Still she didn’t speak up until a rather familiar pattern reemerged…wanting to partner with her only to almost completely ignore her when he did. She knew the reason behind this behavior as surely as she did his unnecessary formality towards her. “You’re pushing me away, aren't you?” Emily asked slowly, already rather sure of the answer but wishing it wasn’t true, as she stood in the doorway of his office.
The man looked up at her voice slowly, his mouth open some as if to speak, before he shut it once more and looked back down at his file. “I’m sorry.” His own version of a confession that, yes, he was.
“I don’t want you to be sorry,” she sighed as she moved into his office, “I want you to be happy.”
“I’d rather you be safe than me be happy.” Hotch then looked up and continued before she had a chance to counter, “I’m sorry for letting you get as close as you did.”
“I wanted to get that close, Hotch.” Actually she wanted to get one hell of a lot closer but, like him, preferred to take things too slow than too fast. “I still do. Do you?” If he truly didn’t she could accept that, she’d be hurt but being hurt by men was nothing new to her.
Hotch looked back down, “I…I don’t want you to get hurt because of me. I’ve lost enough people I care about, I don’t want to loose another.” Meaning, yes, he still did but fears of loss and more pain prevented him from allowing it at the moment.
Emily nodded, finally going to sit down in a chair opposite him, “And you don’t think you can loose something you freely give up?” At a nod from her fellow agent she smiled softly, sadly, “That’s not true.” Hotch glanced back up. “Matthew was my friend, and I left him when I left Italy. I hadn’t seen him in years but that didn’t lessen the love I had for him or the pain of losing him.”
“His murder wasn’t your fault, Emily,” Hotch reassured her gently.
“Wasn’t it?” Emily’s eyes watered a touch, “Because of choices I made he lost his way, Hotch. Maybe I wasn’t there to continually push him down the wrong path, the one that ended in his death, but I wasn’t there to save him either.” She then took a deep breath not unlike a sniffle and ran her fingers under her eyes to collect any possible tears that might escape. She then forced a small smile, “I think we should start over.”
“Excuse me?” Hotch was a touch thrown by the seeming change in topic.
Emily took another deep breath sniffle, “This…” she motioned her hand back and forth between them, “whatever it is. We keep letting our fears and our pasts dictate it. I think, in order to really give it a try, we need to start fresh.”
“I can’t just forget about Haley,” Hotch said a little crossly, “I can’t pretend that that part of my life never happened, Emily.”
“That’s not what I mean,” she clarified quickly, “I mean that we should remember Haley, and Matthew, but keep focused on the good parts. We should remember that they loved us and wanted us happy, Hotch. We can’t focus on their deaths, can’t assume that because we lost them we’ll lose everyone we get close to.” She then smiled, “We should live in their light, not their shadow.”
Hotch considered the words for some time, carefully dissecting what Emily said to ensure she wasn’t asking for the impossible…to negate Haley and her lasting impact on him. She wasn’t. He smiled, but then frowned in puzzlement, “How do we do that? Start over?”
Emily shrugged with a smile as she confessed, “I really don’t know. How about…we start with going out for coffee?”
“I’ve had enough coffee,” Hotch smiled a little, “How about a meal?”
“A meal is good.” Emily went to stand up and then looked at him, “Hotch?”
He stood up as well, “Yes?”
“Do you think we can go dancing too?”
The man laughed some, “Depends…do I get to lead?”
“Absolutely, Sir.” she teased some in her use of formality.
“Very well, Agent Prentiss, I’m sure we can fit it into the schedule.” His voice was stern, formal, as he played along...only his wonderfully rare bright smile gave it away.
It still wasn’t official, it wasn’t physical, but at least it was a beginning…a true, fresh, beginning.
"You can never plan the future by the past." --Edmund Burke
---
For those interested:
Hotch's 5 Stages:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance