My Classified Ad
Single white giant seeking 18-25 year old girl. I am roughly 6’4, brown hair and brown eyes, I wear glasses, and I am unattractively overweight. I am conceited and possess a very dominant superiority complex but no natural talent. I think that every joke I tell is comedic gold and that people should erupt in laughter upon hearing them. I am overly sarcastic, sometimes to the point of being mordant, even in inappropriate situations. I am dangerously introverted which causes me to be passive aggressive, and I am extremely insecure and untrusting. I am capable of delivering only sub-par sexual performance.
I am searching for a single (negotiable) white (willing to make exception) female (pretty stringent about this one) that can live up to my completely unreasonable expectations and is absurdly out of my league. Physically I am looking for someone who is roughly 5’5, give or take ten to twelve inches, borderline anorexic and incapable of becoming pregnant. Hair and eye color are negotiable; however, it is mandatory that you have both. Large breasts a plus!
I’m looking for someone who likes no other sport but hockey, loves the Red Wings, hates Chris Pronger and enjoys skating. I have a thing for musicians, especially if you play the piano and / or guitar, preferably piano. Must be a good cook and especially gifted at making cherry pies with homemade crust. You should be able to acknowledge and understand logic (given the audience, I know I’m omitting a vast majority, but it would be a nice change). I would like to find someone who is funny (but not as funny as me) and finds me hilarious and witty. Good taste in movies, television and literature would be preferred, but I’m willing to make exception as long as you at least love Arrested Development. You must also be able to tolerate, and maybe even adore, my pejorative and staid nature.
I am almost perpetually broke, so I need someone who is low maintenance, or preferably someone who is wealthy and generous. Due to my austere insecurity, you should also be honest (at least in a relative sense) and have good morals, but be willing to question said morals. A virgin who is also a closet nymphomaniac who thinks she would greatly enjoy performing oral sex would be absolutely perfect. Open-minded and attractive female roommate / friend / family member / acquaintance a definite plus. Bonus points for not having a menstrual cycle.
If anyone like this is interested in me, then enjoy riding Pegasus, keep a watchful eye out for dragons, and tell Tyler Durden that I say “hello.”
I am searching for a single (negotiable) white (willing to make exception) female (pretty stringent about this one) that can live up to my completely unreasonable expectations and is absurdly out of my league. Physically I am looking for someone who is roughly 5’5, give or take ten to twelve inches, borderline anorexic and incapable of becoming pregnant. Hair and eye color are negotiable; however, it is mandatory that you have both. Large breasts a plus!
I’m looking for someone who likes no other sport but hockey, loves the Red Wings, hates Chris Pronger and enjoys skating. I have a thing for musicians, especially if you play the piano and / or guitar, preferably piano. Must be a good cook and especially gifted at making cherry pies with homemade crust. You should be able to acknowledge and understand logic (given the audience, I know I’m omitting a vast majority, but it would be a nice change). I would like to find someone who is funny (but not as funny as me) and finds me hilarious and witty. Good taste in movies, television and literature would be preferred, but I’m willing to make exception as long as you at least love Arrested Development. You must also be able to tolerate, and maybe even adore, my pejorative and staid nature.
I am almost perpetually broke, so I need someone who is low maintenance, or preferably someone who is wealthy and generous. Due to my austere insecurity, you should also be honest (at least in a relative sense) and have good morals, but be willing to question said morals. A virgin who is also a closet nymphomaniac who thinks she would greatly enjoy performing oral sex would be absolutely perfect. Open-minded and attractive female roommate / friend / family member / acquaintance a definite plus. Bonus points for not having a menstrual cycle.
If anyone like this is interested in me, then enjoy riding Pegasus, keep a watchful eye out for dragons, and tell Tyler Durden that I say “hello.”