(Untitled)

[tooru_n]

This is rated 16+ I guess, I was 15 when I wrote it but, Yeah.
Hallo, This is my first story that is more than a paragraph long, So don't be mad if it suck. (/>_<) So, Yeah, I had to write this for english class, After reading it my teacher said I needed some comic relief. XDDDD Hmmm, So yeah, Sorry if it blows.  n____n;;;

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Comments

[otonashi_alice]

I really liked your concept you worked out of, with referring to the Bible in bits throughout the piece. Comic relief would have been a nice addition, as well as a little history on the killer, since we /are/ in his PoV.

The dialogue seemed a little awkward to me but I really liked the interview between the cop and serial killer. A little more detail would have been nice but the structure of the whole thing was fine.

I liked the main character's speech in that forest...maybe show how he acted on that more? It'll show your point, and his philosophy of things better if, I dunno, maybe if you showed Sally as the object he turned her into later on?

Good job!

[tooru_n]

n____n;;; Thank you. I've been trying to rewrite this for a while and never really knew what to change, And Now I have a starting point. Thank you. n____n

[otonashi_alice]

Whew! I'm glad your not one of the people who get angry at constructive criticism. I hate it when people ask for criticism, then yell at people who give it.

[tooru_n]

No worries, I know my writing needs help, And I love anyone who's willing to help me with it. n_____n