(no subject)
I realized so much while I was in N.Y. I’ve always wanted to get so far away from my home and from California and the San Fernando valley (for college), but when I went to N.Y. I saw how different it is from here. It’s a completely different world. I know college is a long time away but in another sense it’s not. When I was there I saw how my friends have blindsided me to how unhappy I truly am. Or will be when I go to college. (Maybe I’m just speaking too soon, because I know me and I know how excited I’ll be to start new. Whatever there are pros and cons to everything.) I’m so much happier when I’m with my friends(which is scary) It’s not a new feeling; I know that surrounding yourself with people that make you happy is good… I just saw it differently this time. I need to make myself happy, and I honestly don’t know how anymore. I’m out of ideas. I felt the way that I did in the beginning and middle of last year, I felt like I couldn’t move. I was hurting on the inside, and so homesick…which is weird… this is all so contradictory, because I usually love getting away. I didn’t like how there was no green (and as weird as this sounds.. I appreciate nature a lot more) and everything was so rushed, but I know that’s where I want to go to college...because of what I want to do. I keep saying I didn’t like N.Y., but I did. I think it was just that... I know that’s where I want to spend part of my life, so I was so critical of it and freaked myself out. Basically, I know that I’m definitely a California girl(which sounds so cliche) and it’s going to be a big change leaving so much behind (obvious, right?) It’s all really hard to explain, and even when I told my friends at lunch… I felt like I was crazy and that they were probably thinking it too. Everything you ever said to me was so perfect… all I need is for someone to say those things and actually mean it…I seriously can’t wait for those feelings. Lately things haven’t been in my favor, according to my horoscope I have less than a week to make this happen…and I keep telling myself that everything happens in a matter of time... I’m still not getting anywhere. I cant believe how I feel about this whole situation… and how it went from a joke>>fantasy>>reality>>possibility?NO.. And now it’s pretty much back to a joke.
“Excuse you for barging in on me and my guitar.” (Great quote)
--Roger from RENT
--Ali