un : : 내 사랑은 항상 네 곁에 있을게
∞ 十二月の手紙。 December Letters
→ TVXQ/(JYJ): Yunho/Jaejoong; Angst, Drama, Romance, PG-13, 3341 words
! beta: anyajulia
★ a birthday present for byuldeureul
♪ inspired by 安室奈美恵’s 「Love Story」
Dear Jung Yunho,
Five years have passed. How are you? I wonder how you look right now. Are you still the always-smiling guy that everyone admires? Or are you now a grumpy-looking, bearded ahjussi in a classy business suit? Either way, I bet you would still look handsome…
But the question I am yearning to ask is… are you happy now? Is the Jung Yunho whom I used to love - no - the Jung Yunho whom I am still loving, happy at this point of his life? Are you married already? I bet that woman is so blessed to be loved by such a wonderful person like you. I hope she loves you more than I could ever love you. Only then can I be at ease, when my heart can be assured that you are happy now.
Remember the saying that ‘one can only realize something’s worth when that person loses that thing’? Well, you know what? It’s true. I have never realized how important you are to me until I lost you. Or rather, I chose to lose you.
So here I am expressing my apologies in a piece of paper. I have no idea where you are right now or how to find you. But I am hoping that perhaps, one day, this letter might be able to reach you. I wonder if you still visit this old mailbox of ours… It would be such a tragedy if this letter won’t be opened until each of us, grows old. This letter will remain frozen. Or worse, will deteriorate with time.
Truly, I am sorry. For not fighting for our love, I am sorry. For running away like a cowardly bastard, I am sorry. For being a stupid Kim Jaejoong, I’m sorry. For leaving you alone in the hanging, I’m sorry.
See that? The once self-centered Kim Jaejoong you knew has grown more maturely now.
I do not know if I still have any right to ask you… But I am just curious. Can I ask a few questions? (It’s stupid asking this knowing I’d still write them here anyway.)
During the five years that I’ve been gone, did you bother looking for me? For even a single second day, did you even miss me?
Did you even think of me?
I miss you, Yunho-yah. For the past five years, I have never forgotten about you. I tried, but the harder I try, the more painful it gets. The harder I try, the more I realize how you’ve grown deeper in my life that I just cannot simply uproot and remove you so easily.
You have always been in my heart, Yunho-yah. You are the only one I love. You are the only one in my heart.
As much as I wish that we can meet again - even if the chances are uncertain that one day we will - I honestly do not know what I can possibly do in front of you. I could imagine myself being so helpless. I bet I would just be standing in front of you; my knees would be wobbling, my voice would be shaking or cracking or I won’t be able to utter a single word at all.
The guilt I have for having wronged you, for leaving you without a proper goodbye… It’s so great that I am filled with shame… that I think fate is punishing me by not giving me the chance to see you anymore.
Despite all that, I still miss you so much.
But I guess fate has decreed that we will never meet again. Because of the severity of the crime I committed against you. Even so, I pray that these sincere feelings of mine will reach you one day. You may not be able to forgive me, and I can live with that. I think I deserve this punishment.
Wherever you are now, Yunho-yah, I hope that you are doing well, and is happy, and living a healthy life.
P.S.
I still love you.
Regards,
Kim Jaejoong.
Now I'm grown
欲しいものは手にしたけど かわりに
I know
あなたがくれる永遠も笑顔も手に出来ない
Now I’m grown
I got what I wanted, but in exchange
I know
I can’t get the eternity or smile that you were going to give
ღ
Jaejoong breathes a sigh, producing a swirly smoke in the misty air on a cold winter night, almost whispering his voiceless sentiments as he shuffles his feet, treading the snow-covered path uphill. Holding the envelope near his heart, he makes a silent prayer, hoping that he could somehow convey the overwhelming emotions inside his heart to that piece of stationery tucked between his gloved fingers.
“After five years, Yunho-yah. I’m here now. I don’t know if this letter would even reach you… But I hope that you have moved on already. As for me, I will still continue loving you from afar.”
He takes a few moments just looking at the envelope in his hands. He can hear voices at the back of his head; some were loud, some were soft. A few were whispering words of apologies, while some with words of love. But he shakes his head, knowing that these voices will never be heard by the person whom he wants to convey these feelings to.
He takes a step forward and says “I love you, Yunho-yah” before slipping the envelope through the slit of the wooden mail box that they themselves have crafted, during the early years that they were still beautifully in love, and which is now covered with white snow.
He closes his eyes, and then he finds himself being transported to that day.
ღ
Yunho hammered the wooden piece in place, gave him a smile before walking away and settling himself under a shady tree then sticking out a tongue at him like a proud kid who just got away from doing a chore.
It was one fine sunny summer afternoon, and Jaejoong remembers scowling at the man who laid down on the ground, pretending to be asleep. A few seconds after, he found himself picking up a paint brush from a tool box, dipping it in a pail of liquid white pigment then applying it on the light oak-colored wooden structure of the mail box.
He hummed a tune, a melody that both of them had composed together, a melody that is only theirs. A few minutes later, another set of brush, dipped in red liquid, appeared before him. His eyes traced the length of the handle to the owner’s hand, then to his arms and finally to his face. A set of loving eyes, accompanied with a warm smile greeted him.
“You're painting it wrongly,” Yunho told him. A chuckle reverberates through the soft gust of wind that followed.
"Then tell me how to do it properly then!" He exclaimed, giving the other man an unconscious pout.
A loud sigh escaped Yunho's lips. He placed his paintbrush back in the tool box and then he stood up and went behind Jaejoong, taking the latter's hand and directing it, coating the mailbox in a clean, even layer of paint. "You need to be more patient, my love," he said as he planted a kiss on Jaejoong's lips.
やがてすれ違うと知っていても
出会えた事 この奇跡 感謝してる
かけがえない日々も 後悔も痛みも
悲しみさえ 輝かせる Yes Someday…
Even if I knew that we would go our separate ways eventually
I’m thankful for the miracle that allowed us to meet
Those irreplaceable days, all the regret and pain
Even the sadness… can all shine, yes, someday
ღ
He opens his eyes, lets out a sad sigh and takes a step backward. He raises his head, looking upwards at the dark sky. Tiny flakes of snow fall lightly on his cheeks, stinging his skin with their piercing coldness. He huffs a breath as he tries to clear his mind. Swirls of air trace the breath as he exhales, drawing patterns as they ascend into the grey night sky.
Ah, how beautiful, he thinks.
He is finally here. He came back to Seoul just to fix the loose ends of his life once and for all. He came back to Seoul so he can finally drop the heavy weight in his chest, stand up and walk on his two, now lighter feet.
From this point on, he will be moving forward.
It is time to take a step further. It is time to leave everything behind and start living a life with lesser burden, although he knows, he will still be carrying a bit of guilt inside him.
He turns around, and as he was about to take a single step forward, he sees a tall figure standing before him. Somebody with a very familiar face, with eyes wide in surprise.
This couldn’t be -
Both of them stand in awkward silence, one refusing to make a move towards or away from the other. Both are still trying to understand the situation they are currently in. And it took a long while before their ears hear a pair of feet shuffling through the snow-covered path.
The other man starts to walk towards him; his steps are brisk and firm, creating footprints in the snow. Meanwhile Jaejoong finds himself unable to move, like his feet are locked to the ground by a force possibly greater than gravity.
The man looks at him intently, studying his face for a few seconds before binding him in a tight embrace.
Jaejoong hears his own heart race inside his chest.
“You smell like Paris,” the man utters. And Jaejoong can feel his warm breath against his ear.
"It's been a while, Yunho-yah," he replies. The name escapes his lips with a bit of difficulty, and he thinks that a thorn he didn't know had been stuck in his heart, and has just been suddenly plucked away.
"Ah, it's so nice to hear my name being uttered by your voice, Jaejoong-ah."
Jaejoong swears he can hear the falling snowflakes as the seconds tick by. They stay that way, as another long moment passes with no exchange of conversation in between. It's just the two of them standing under the grey sky that cries cold tears in the form of featherweight snow.
"But... Why?" Jaejoong finally asks, breaking the awkward silence between them.
Yunho loosens his arms around him. And Jaejoong feels the warmth wash away from him, feeling a slight coldness wrapping his body.
Yunho blinks and then gives him a smile, a smile that is similar to that one fine summer day from years ago, a smile that is genuine, a smile that Jaejoong knows is reserved only for him, a smile from the only man that Jaejoong loves.
"I have been waiting for you."
Jaejoong's eyes widen at the unexpected answer.
Seeing that he won't be able to collect a response from the other man anytime soon, Yunho exhales a light breath, forming a temporary swirl of smoke in the space in front of him. He gives Jaejoong another smile, although he's a bit tired, but for Jaejoong, he will always give his best smile.
Turning around, he started walking towards the mailbox. He brushes the snow and ice that cover the keyhole, and he rubs his gloved hands together in an attempt to regain the warmth on them. He then inserts his right hand on one of the pockets of his coat, fidgeting a bit in search of something. A soft exclamation of relief escapes his lips as he draws out a tiny silvery object out of his pocket, revealing it as a key by waving it into the air. He turns to Jaejoong once again, giving him a ‘I hope you will like what you are about to witness’ look, before inserting the key inside the keyhole, twisting it, forcibly opening the mail box.
A loud gasp echoes through the quiet vicinity as envelopes of letters rush their way outside the mailbox like water flowing from a dam being opened. The number was beyond Jaejoong can imagine. How many times in a month... Or in a week... How often did you write to me, Yunho?
Looking at the letters sprawled on the ground, Jaejoong feels tears fall from his eyes. He temporarily loses his view in front of him, for he can only feel the rough texture of his own gloves against his face.
He hears footsteps moving, rushing towards him. And in the seconds that follow, a pair of arms pulls him towards a source of warmth.
"Why are you crying?"
"Why Yunho? Why? Why did you wait for me?"
"Because I realized... You are the only one I love."
Jaejoong tilts his head up, attempting to look at Yunho beyond the tears that brim on his eyes. Why? He questions him again. Although the question was unspoken, Yunho seems to have heard that.
Yunho exhales, creating swirls of pale white smoke that rise and disappear into the air. He closes his eyes, searching for the right words for his explanation.
"I was so stupid. I should have said no to my father back then. I hate myself for taking as long as the wedding day for me to realize how much I love you."
Jaejoong thinks he cannot handle the words that would be uttered next, so he leans his head against Yunho's coat, nestling in the warmth as he tries his best not to tremble too much. The cold seems to be dancing with his anxiety.
Yunho's hold on him tightens as he continues to explain. "I was already there in front of the altar, about to utter fabricated vows that would cost me the remainder of my life. I looked at the bride-to-be, a stranger, and I asked the world why she agreed to sacrifice her young life to live with a man who does not and possibly cannot love her.
"You know how much I don't like telling lies, right? Even if those lies are for the happiness of the people who are dear to me. It was so stupid of me for thinking about the happiness of other people over the happiness of a few. Over our own happiness.
"It was then that I realized. A temporary pain caused by the truth is better than an attractive lie fabricated for a false happiness. I left the court, looking for you. Then it hit me. Why would Jaejoongie attend my wedding anyway? My father got furious, and so was the family of the bride. Yet the bride gave me a smile of approval. She was sad, but at the same time her smile conveyed a message… her eyes were telling me 'I hope you will pursue what you truly want from here on'.
"I rushed to Yoochun's place, he almost choked from my violent beating because he wouldn't tell me where you are or where did you went. ‘You are an idiot for letting him go' he said, not even punching me back when his face was already so beaten up - I am so sorry for hurting him. I was too hasty back then. I was so desperate to find you and I knew that he knew where you were but he was so firm not to tell me. He is such a loyal friend to you, Jaejoong. And you are so lucky to have him."
Jaejoong makes a mental reminder to thank Yoochun for being such an awesome best friend. Smiling despite the falling tears in his eyes, he shakes his head against Yunho's chest. But you are the one I love, Yunho.
Yunho takes this gesture as an invitation to continue. "I looked all over for you, Jaejoong. I think Yoochun must be annoyed at me now since I pester him a lot - almost every other day - just to know of your whereabouts. There are times when I considered quitting. But my life is too ridiculous now for me to wallow in misery. Every time I feel like giving up, I would think of you. Then I find myself standing up again, hoping that every single step I take would bring me closer to you.
"Every single day that pass by, I would write to you. That no matter how tired I may be, I would still visit our mailbox, in hopes that somehow you may get to read them."
Jaejoong must be crying hard right now, because he feels Yunho’s strong arms tighten their hold of him. “And now… you are here,” Yunho utters, his hot breath blowing through the strands of Jaejoong’s hair.
“I am so glad that you are back, Jaejoong-ah.”
Yunho rubs comforting circles on his back, as he hums their melody into the air. If only his sobs were quieter, it would be such a dramatic and lovely sight, Jaejoong thinks. Yunho, throughout the five years, have been looking for him. He never gave up. While this Jung Yunho had been searching all throughout Seoul or even South Korea, and the soles of his shoes get thinner by the day, he was strolling through Paris, trying to distract himself from the pain of not having a future with the only man that he loves.
But somehow, deep inside his heart, the flame that Jaejoong had been trying to extinguish is gradually coming to full blaze. Somehow, he knew all along, that Yunho loves him, and only him. He wants to punch himself for even doubting about Yunho. Yes, he wished that Yunho fought for him back then. But Yunho did, although Jaejoong had already left the land of South Korea when that happened.
This thought makes him happy. And he smiles and he tries to calm down from his sobbing. A part of Yunho’s coat is now drenched with his tears, and Jaejoong is certain that he will be forgiven for that. Because Yunho loves him.
“There are so many letters to read,” Jaejoong snorts, pulling himself away from the taller man’s embrace, then wiping his eyes with his gloved hands.
Yunho lets out a laugh, it sounds so light in Jaejoong’s ears. He grabs Jaejoong’s hands, stopping the man from rubbing his own eyes. And then they remain that way for a long while: their eyes staring into each other.
Yunho’s gaze - one that is full of determination, a determination that Jaejoong knows could only mean that Yunho does not want to let him go ever again - pierces into his own delicate eyes. Jaejoong wonders what Yunho sees into his own frail ones. Confusion? Guilt? Fear? Love? He can only question in silence as the two of them continue to stare in each other’s eyes.
Jaejoong blinks. And Yunho chuckles as he runs his gloved fingers on the other’s forehead, clearing his eyes of the strands of his long hair.
“You can read all of them later. We have all the time in the world,” he tells Jaejoong softly.
Suddenly, he plants a kiss on the Jaejoong’s lips; the latter’s eyes growing big in surprise. Jaejoong did not know his lips were cold until Yunho’s own lips brought warmth to it. He felt Yunho smile against his lips before pulling away.
“Because from this point on, Jaejoong-ah, I won’t ever let you go.”
誰よりもきっと 愛しているけど
選んだこの道を 歩いてくから
生まれ変わっても 愛し続けるけど
Surely, I love you more than anyone else
But I’ll walk on this path that I’ve chosen
Even if I’m reborn, I will still continue to love you.
→ TVXQ/(JYJ): Yunho/Jaejoong; Angst, Drama, Romance, PG-13, 3341 words
! beta: anyajulia
★ a birthday present for byuldeureul
♪ inspired by 安室奈美恵’s 「Love Story」
Dear Jung Yunho,
Five years have passed. How are you? I wonder how you look right now. Are you still the always-smiling guy that everyone admires? Or are you now a grumpy-looking, bearded ahjussi in a classy business suit? Either way, I bet you would still look handsome…
But the question I am yearning to ask is… are you happy now? Is the Jung Yunho whom I used to love - no - the Jung Yunho whom I am still loving, happy at this point of his life? Are you married already? I bet that woman is so blessed to be loved by such a wonderful person like you. I hope she loves you more than I could ever love you. Only then can I be at ease, when my heart can be assured that you are happy now.
Remember the saying that ‘one can only realize something’s worth when that person loses that thing’? Well, you know what? It’s true. I have never realized how important you are to me until I lost you. Or rather, I chose to lose you.
So here I am expressing my apologies in a piece of paper. I have no idea where you are right now or how to find you. But I am hoping that perhaps, one day, this letter might be able to reach you. I wonder if you still visit this old mailbox of ours… It would be such a tragedy if this letter won’t be opened until each of us, grows old. This letter will remain frozen. Or worse, will deteriorate with time.
Truly, I am sorry. For not fighting for our love, I am sorry. For running away like a cowardly bastard, I am sorry. For being a stupid Kim Jaejoong, I’m sorry. For leaving you alone in the hanging, I’m sorry.
See that? The once self-centered Kim Jaejoong you knew has grown more maturely now.
I do not know if I still have any right to ask you… But I am just curious. Can I ask a few questions? (It’s stupid asking this knowing I’d still write them here anyway.)
During the five years that I’ve been gone, did you bother looking for me? For even a single second day, did you even miss me?
Did you even think of me?
I miss you, Yunho-yah. For the past five years, I have never forgotten about you. I tried, but the harder I try, the more painful it gets. The harder I try, the more I realize how you’ve grown deeper in my life that I just cannot simply uproot and remove you so easily.
You have always been in my heart, Yunho-yah. You are the only one I love. You are the only one in my heart.
As much as I wish that we can meet again - even if the chances are uncertain that one day we will - I honestly do not know what I can possibly do in front of you. I could imagine myself being so helpless. I bet I would just be standing in front of you; my knees would be wobbling, my voice would be shaking or cracking or I won’t be able to utter a single word at all.
The guilt I have for having wronged you, for leaving you without a proper goodbye… It’s so great that I am filled with shame… that I think fate is punishing me by not giving me the chance to see you anymore.
Despite all that, I still miss you so much.
But I guess fate has decreed that we will never meet again. Because of the severity of the crime I committed against you. Even so, I pray that these sincere feelings of mine will reach you one day. You may not be able to forgive me, and I can live with that. I think I deserve this punishment.
Wherever you are now, Yunho-yah, I hope that you are doing well, and is happy, and living a healthy life.
P.S.
I still love you.
Regards,
Kim Jaejoong.
Now I'm grown
欲しいものは手にしたけど かわりに
I know
あなたがくれる永遠も笑顔も手に出来ない
Now I’m grown
I got what I wanted, but in exchange
I know
I can’t get the eternity or smile that you were going to give
ღ
Jaejoong breathes a sigh, producing a swirly smoke in the misty air on a cold winter night, almost whispering his voiceless sentiments as he shuffles his feet, treading the snow-covered path uphill. Holding the envelope near his heart, he makes a silent prayer, hoping that he could somehow convey the overwhelming emotions inside his heart to that piece of stationery tucked between his gloved fingers.
“After five years, Yunho-yah. I’m here now. I don’t know if this letter would even reach you… But I hope that you have moved on already. As for me, I will still continue loving you from afar.”
He takes a few moments just looking at the envelope in his hands. He can hear voices at the back of his head; some were loud, some were soft. A few were whispering words of apologies, while some with words of love. But he shakes his head, knowing that these voices will never be heard by the person whom he wants to convey these feelings to.
He takes a step forward and says “I love you, Yunho-yah” before slipping the envelope through the slit of the wooden mail box that they themselves have crafted, during the early years that they were still beautifully in love, and which is now covered with white snow.
He closes his eyes, and then he finds himself being transported to that day.
ღ
Yunho hammered the wooden piece in place, gave him a smile before walking away and settling himself under a shady tree then sticking out a tongue at him like a proud kid who just got away from doing a chore.
It was one fine sunny summer afternoon, and Jaejoong remembers scowling at the man who laid down on the ground, pretending to be asleep. A few seconds after, he found himself picking up a paint brush from a tool box, dipping it in a pail of liquid white pigment then applying it on the light oak-colored wooden structure of the mail box.
He hummed a tune, a melody that both of them had composed together, a melody that is only theirs. A few minutes later, another set of brush, dipped in red liquid, appeared before him. His eyes traced the length of the handle to the owner’s hand, then to his arms and finally to his face. A set of loving eyes, accompanied with a warm smile greeted him.
“You're painting it wrongly,” Yunho told him. A chuckle reverberates through the soft gust of wind that followed.
"Then tell me how to do it properly then!" He exclaimed, giving the other man an unconscious pout.
A loud sigh escaped Yunho's lips. He placed his paintbrush back in the tool box and then he stood up and went behind Jaejoong, taking the latter's hand and directing it, coating the mailbox in a clean, even layer of paint. "You need to be more patient, my love," he said as he planted a kiss on Jaejoong's lips.
やがてすれ違うと知っていても
出会えた事 この奇跡 感謝してる
かけがえない日々も 後悔も痛みも
悲しみさえ 輝かせる Yes Someday…
Even if I knew that we would go our separate ways eventually
I’m thankful for the miracle that allowed us to meet
Those irreplaceable days, all the regret and pain
Even the sadness… can all shine, yes, someday
ღ
He opens his eyes, lets out a sad sigh and takes a step backward. He raises his head, looking upwards at the dark sky. Tiny flakes of snow fall lightly on his cheeks, stinging his skin with their piercing coldness. He huffs a breath as he tries to clear his mind. Swirls of air trace the breath as he exhales, drawing patterns as they ascend into the grey night sky.
Ah, how beautiful, he thinks.
He is finally here. He came back to Seoul just to fix the loose ends of his life once and for all. He came back to Seoul so he can finally drop the heavy weight in his chest, stand up and walk on his two, now lighter feet.
From this point on, he will be moving forward.
It is time to take a step further. It is time to leave everything behind and start living a life with lesser burden, although he knows, he will still be carrying a bit of guilt inside him.
He turns around, and as he was about to take a single step forward, he sees a tall figure standing before him. Somebody with a very familiar face, with eyes wide in surprise.
This couldn’t be -
Both of them stand in awkward silence, one refusing to make a move towards or away from the other. Both are still trying to understand the situation they are currently in. And it took a long while before their ears hear a pair of feet shuffling through the snow-covered path.
The other man starts to walk towards him; his steps are brisk and firm, creating footprints in the snow. Meanwhile Jaejoong finds himself unable to move, like his feet are locked to the ground by a force possibly greater than gravity.
The man looks at him intently, studying his face for a few seconds before binding him in a tight embrace.
Jaejoong hears his own heart race inside his chest.
“You smell like Paris,” the man utters. And Jaejoong can feel his warm breath against his ear.
"It's been a while, Yunho-yah," he replies. The name escapes his lips with a bit of difficulty, and he thinks that a thorn he didn't know had been stuck in his heart, and has just been suddenly plucked away.
"Ah, it's so nice to hear my name being uttered by your voice, Jaejoong-ah."
Jaejoong swears he can hear the falling snowflakes as the seconds tick by. They stay that way, as another long moment passes with no exchange of conversation in between. It's just the two of them standing under the grey sky that cries cold tears in the form of featherweight snow.
"But... Why?" Jaejoong finally asks, breaking the awkward silence between them.
Yunho loosens his arms around him. And Jaejoong feels the warmth wash away from him, feeling a slight coldness wrapping his body.
Yunho blinks and then gives him a smile, a smile that is similar to that one fine summer day from years ago, a smile that is genuine, a smile that Jaejoong knows is reserved only for him, a smile from the only man that Jaejoong loves.
"I have been waiting for you."
Jaejoong's eyes widen at the unexpected answer.
Seeing that he won't be able to collect a response from the other man anytime soon, Yunho exhales a light breath, forming a temporary swirl of smoke in the space in front of him. He gives Jaejoong another smile, although he's a bit tired, but for Jaejoong, he will always give his best smile.
Turning around, he started walking towards the mailbox. He brushes the snow and ice that cover the keyhole, and he rubs his gloved hands together in an attempt to regain the warmth on them. He then inserts his right hand on one of the pockets of his coat, fidgeting a bit in search of something. A soft exclamation of relief escapes his lips as he draws out a tiny silvery object out of his pocket, revealing it as a key by waving it into the air. He turns to Jaejoong once again, giving him a ‘I hope you will like what you are about to witness’ look, before inserting the key inside the keyhole, twisting it, forcibly opening the mail box.
A loud gasp echoes through the quiet vicinity as envelopes of letters rush their way outside the mailbox like water flowing from a dam being opened. The number was beyond Jaejoong can imagine. How many times in a month... Or in a week... How often did you write to me, Yunho?
Looking at the letters sprawled on the ground, Jaejoong feels tears fall from his eyes. He temporarily loses his view in front of him, for he can only feel the rough texture of his own gloves against his face.
He hears footsteps moving, rushing towards him. And in the seconds that follow, a pair of arms pulls him towards a source of warmth.
"Why are you crying?"
"Why Yunho? Why? Why did you wait for me?"
"Because I realized... You are the only one I love."
Jaejoong tilts his head up, attempting to look at Yunho beyond the tears that brim on his eyes. Why? He questions him again. Although the question was unspoken, Yunho seems to have heard that.
Yunho exhales, creating swirls of pale white smoke that rise and disappear into the air. He closes his eyes, searching for the right words for his explanation.
"I was so stupid. I should have said no to my father back then. I hate myself for taking as long as the wedding day for me to realize how much I love you."
Jaejoong thinks he cannot handle the words that would be uttered next, so he leans his head against Yunho's coat, nestling in the warmth as he tries his best not to tremble too much. The cold seems to be dancing with his anxiety.
Yunho's hold on him tightens as he continues to explain. "I was already there in front of the altar, about to utter fabricated vows that would cost me the remainder of my life. I looked at the bride-to-be, a stranger, and I asked the world why she agreed to sacrifice her young life to live with a man who does not and possibly cannot love her.
"You know how much I don't like telling lies, right? Even if those lies are for the happiness of the people who are dear to me. It was so stupid of me for thinking about the happiness of other people over the happiness of a few. Over our own happiness.
"It was then that I realized. A temporary pain caused by the truth is better than an attractive lie fabricated for a false happiness. I left the court, looking for you. Then it hit me. Why would Jaejoongie attend my wedding anyway? My father got furious, and so was the family of the bride. Yet the bride gave me a smile of approval. She was sad, but at the same time her smile conveyed a message… her eyes were telling me 'I hope you will pursue what you truly want from here on'.
"I rushed to Yoochun's place, he almost choked from my violent beating because he wouldn't tell me where you are or where did you went. ‘You are an idiot for letting him go' he said, not even punching me back when his face was already so beaten up - I am so sorry for hurting him. I was too hasty back then. I was so desperate to find you and I knew that he knew where you were but he was so firm not to tell me. He is such a loyal friend to you, Jaejoong. And you are so lucky to have him."
Jaejoong makes a mental reminder to thank Yoochun for being such an awesome best friend. Smiling despite the falling tears in his eyes, he shakes his head against Yunho's chest. But you are the one I love, Yunho.
Yunho takes this gesture as an invitation to continue. "I looked all over for you, Jaejoong. I think Yoochun must be annoyed at me now since I pester him a lot - almost every other day - just to know of your whereabouts. There are times when I considered quitting. But my life is too ridiculous now for me to wallow in misery. Every time I feel like giving up, I would think of you. Then I find myself standing up again, hoping that every single step I take would bring me closer to you.
"Every single day that pass by, I would write to you. That no matter how tired I may be, I would still visit our mailbox, in hopes that somehow you may get to read them."
Jaejoong must be crying hard right now, because he feels Yunho’s strong arms tighten their hold of him. “And now… you are here,” Yunho utters, his hot breath blowing through the strands of Jaejoong’s hair.
“I am so glad that you are back, Jaejoong-ah.”
Yunho rubs comforting circles on his back, as he hums their melody into the air. If only his sobs were quieter, it would be such a dramatic and lovely sight, Jaejoong thinks. Yunho, throughout the five years, have been looking for him. He never gave up. While this Jung Yunho had been searching all throughout Seoul or even South Korea, and the soles of his shoes get thinner by the day, he was strolling through Paris, trying to distract himself from the pain of not having a future with the only man that he loves.
But somehow, deep inside his heart, the flame that Jaejoong had been trying to extinguish is gradually coming to full blaze. Somehow, he knew all along, that Yunho loves him, and only him. He wants to punch himself for even doubting about Yunho. Yes, he wished that Yunho fought for him back then. But Yunho did, although Jaejoong had already left the land of South Korea when that happened.
This thought makes him happy. And he smiles and he tries to calm down from his sobbing. A part of Yunho’s coat is now drenched with his tears, and Jaejoong is certain that he will be forgiven for that. Because Yunho loves him.
“There are so many letters to read,” Jaejoong snorts, pulling himself away from the taller man’s embrace, then wiping his eyes with his gloved hands.
Yunho lets out a laugh, it sounds so light in Jaejoong’s ears. He grabs Jaejoong’s hands, stopping the man from rubbing his own eyes. And then they remain that way for a long while: their eyes staring into each other.
Yunho’s gaze - one that is full of determination, a determination that Jaejoong knows could only mean that Yunho does not want to let him go ever again - pierces into his own delicate eyes. Jaejoong wonders what Yunho sees into his own frail ones. Confusion? Guilt? Fear? Love? He can only question in silence as the two of them continue to stare in each other’s eyes.
Jaejoong blinks. And Yunho chuckles as he runs his gloved fingers on the other’s forehead, clearing his eyes of the strands of his long hair.
“You can read all of them later. We have all the time in the world,” he tells Jaejoong softly.
Suddenly, he plants a kiss on the Jaejoong’s lips; the latter’s eyes growing big in surprise. Jaejoong did not know his lips were cold until Yunho’s own lips brought warmth to it. He felt Yunho smile against his lips before pulling away.
“Because from this point on, Jaejoong-ah, I won’t ever let you go.”
誰よりもきっと 愛しているけど
選んだこの道を 歩いてくから
生まれ変わっても 愛し続けるけど
Surely, I love you more than anyone else
But I’ll walk on this path that I’ve chosen
Even if I’m reborn, I will still continue to love you.