(no subject)
"Whenever I look at him, all I see are his hands." I saw him driving the other day, in his oh-so distinctive Nova. And all I saw were his hands, and my tears. A flash of a memory, and then I shook it out of my mind. I don't want to miss what I hate so much. Is this an overreaction on my part? Of course it is. But that's just how I function. I overreact to draw attention to myself and play the victim. I always play the fucking victim. Maybe I need a new role. Innocent Bystander No. 1 sounds good to me. Anything to tear me away from my self-titled part in this production called life. But what does it matter what part I play? There's no audience. And with no audience, there are no reviews. How do I win an award if no ones reviewed my part? How can I achieve what I want in "Life" if no ones watching? Stop it, you're being selfish. Everyone else has to play their parts. Everyone else has to study their lines and build their characters, so get to it. It's better late than never. Maybe you can mold your character into something beautiful... Maybe you'll become something beautiful. But please Sarah, try. You've let down so many people in the past, don't let yourself down. I love you Sarah, you're a wonderful person. And you've got tons of great people who love you and will support you until you've "molded".
It's interesting to take all the support, and advice I've given people(and recieved from many, many loving friends) and give it back to myself. I've never really told myself any of this. I've focused on "me" for so long I've forgotten what it's like to live a life full of other people. Hell, I've forgotten what it's like to live at all.
Lately, I've felt A LOT of passion. What for, I have no idea. It puzzles me. It feels like something more amazing and powerful than any love I've felt, yet there's no one here to fill that spot. I looked around, and not even HE seems sensical for this passion. So I thought, maybe it's life I'm passionate for. But I'm not, in fact I'm quite the opposite. All I feel lately about life is hopelessness. It seriously feels like some invisible, perfect boy has come and stolen my heart. Whoever/whatever it is has me weak in the knees and confused beyond all possible belief. It has me filled with joy and on the verge of tears, all at the same time. It's like I don't even own my emotions.
I opened the door about an hour ago and the smell of summer hit me full on. And then I realized that everything I'm living for will be ripped from me in a little over a month. And I've wasted it being sick. Do I have absolutely no will power to survive? Will summer consume every last bit of me, laying here immobile in my room, waiting for a sign? As horrible as it sounds, it's the road my lifes taking. So I can either continue on this hopeless path, or create my own. Lets hope this vessel is capable of rugged terrain, cause I might have to off-road to get to where I'm going.
You're young, ambitious and beautiful(that's a stretch xD). I'm sure you'll do anything you set your mind to Sarah. Just for once in your life, REALLY try. Don't half-ass things like you always do. Next year will be better, I promise.
Half the things I wanted to say in here weren't stated. I can't explain to you why, but maybe a poem can help. I love you. Each and every damn one of you.