(no subject)
Kelbels9: meep.
Kelbels9: online late?
EvilGarishFaery: Yeah.
Kelbels9: ugg.
Kelbels9: i was typing but then i got bored.
Kelbels9: xD
Kelbels9: damn romeo and juliet...
Kelbels9: xD
EvilGarishFaery: I'm done typing... I'm done with everything. Except this, this won't go away... It never fucking leaves.
Kelbels9: ...sorry?
Kelbels9: *goes away so im wont bother her no more*
Kelbels9: wait...where you talking about the im?
Kelbels9: dont go away...
Auto response from EvilGarishFaery: I'm so tired of crying... God please just make it leave, all of it. All the hopelessness and the pain. I don't wanna be in tears... I don't wanna... I'm breaking down and no one can see...
Kelbels9: he can see.
Kelbels9: and now so can i.
Kelbels9: i love you sarah.
Kelbels9: and i know it is hard.
Kelbels9: i dont know if you know this, but i miss you calling and such.
Kelbels9: i know you've been sick..
Kelbels9: but please get better.
Kelbels9: i miss you.
Kelbels9: you are my strenght
EvilGarishFaery: I'm not sick.
EvilGarishFaery: I'm fucking hopeless.
EvilGarishFaery: I just want to die.
Kelbels9: you are my comfort
Kelbels9: dont you dare
EvilGarishFaery: I'm SO sick of feeling like I have nothing left here...
Kelbels9: if you die
Kelbels9: i swear to god i will kill myself
EvilGarishFaery: When I can see as well as anyone else that I do have something to stay for.
EvilGarishFaery: It's just not processing.
Kelbels9: sarah dont have that kind of fucking aditute
Kelbels9: crying is releasing
Kelbels9: it is ok to cry
EvilGarishFaery: I haven't been able to cry for weeks now.
EvilGarishFaery: It comes one tear at a time.
EvilGarishFaery: The rest is blood.
Kelbels9: no.
EvilGarishFaery: Blood releases faster and more effeciently than these tears.
Kelbels9: please sarah...
Kelbels9: listen to me...
Kelbels9: i love you...
EvilGarishFaery: Blood reminds me that I have pain, and it helps me...
Kelbels9: i dont want you to do this to yourself.
EvilGarishFaery: It's too late, I've been doing it for weeks.
Kelbels9: ...but why?
EvilGarishFaery: Overdosing, cutting, crying.
Kelbels9: no sarah.
Kelbels9: dont make me cry.
Kelbels9: please.
Kelbels9: i can do it sarah.
Kelbels9: so can you.
Kelbels9: please dont make me cry...
EvilGarishFaery: I can't do this... I can't. I'm not strong enough.
Kelbels9: yes you are.
EvilGarishFaery: I've held on by a thread, a really weak one.
Kelbels9: it is still there.
EvilGarishFaery: It's breaking.
Kelbels9: i can see it in the dark.
EvilGarishFaery: Soon I'll fall, into everything I was.
Kelbels9: i can help you tie it.
Kelbels9: no you wont.
Kelbels9: you are great.
EvilGarishFaery: I already am, can't you see?!
Kelbels9: just keep trying
EvilGarishFaery: All the hope is gone.
Kelbels9: please sarah, dont give up, not yet
Kelbels9: please sarah, hold on.
Kelbels9: let me pull your string in
EvilGarishFaery: And I don't have the "this-is-just-for-fun" attitude I had last year.
Kelbels9: im trying sarah, i really am.
Kelbels9: and im sorry.
Kelbels9: im sorry that i havent been there...
Kelbels9: been there to help you, or pick you up when you fall.
Kelbels9: buts its hard when your not even sure if that person even wants your help..
Kelbels9: nevermind.
Kelbels9: ingore me, please.
Kelbels9: im really lost right now.
Kelbels9 signed off at 11:50:53 PM.
Kelbels9 signed on at 11:55:13 PM.
Kelbels9: sarah i didnt mean to go off on you like that.
EvilGarishFaery: I'm hearing things...
EvilGarishFaery: I'm going mentally fucking insane.
Kelbels9: i think i am too.
EvilGarishFaery: I can't perceive anything but my own depression and it's swallowing me...
EvilGarishFaery: Laughing is alienated, smiling is forbidden...
Kelbels9: sarah...
Kelbels9: i have 4 mins before this thing kicks me off forever.
Kelbels9: just warning you.
EvilGarishFaery: Okay.
Kelbels9: but i will probably get back on my moms.
Kelbels9: maybe.
EvilGarishFaery: Please don't let him find me, please don't let him find me...
Kelbels9: ....HIm?
Kelbels9: if you know what im talking about.
EvilGarishFaery: My dad
Kelbels9: yeah, thats what i thought.
Kelbels9: is...everything ok over there..
Kelbels9: because i can come kidnap you if its not.
Kelbels9: honestly.
EvilGarishFaery: It's fine, I just don't want him yelling at me for being up.
Kelbels9: we can live at the school together.
Kelbels9: oh yeah, i know how that is. *looks around paronoidly*
Kelbels9: sarah, im so confused right now.
Kelbels9: my head is spinning.
EvilGarishFaery: I am too... I've been lost for a long time.
Kelbels9: hey.
EvilGarishFaery: Hey
Kelbels9: ....*hugs*
EvilGarishFaery: *Holds*
Kelbels9: *sigh*
Kelbels9: why, why does it have to be this way?
EvilGarishFaery: I don't know...
Kelbels9: i wish...i could just take a pill to make the pain go all away.
Kelbels9: to make the happiness come back.
EvilGarishFaery: I'm getting sick... I've lost a pound and a half in a little over a month...
Kelbels9: and i would give it to you.
Kelbels9: ive lost three and half..
EvilGarishFaery: I don't want pills...
EvilGarishFaery: Their not helping.
Kelbels9: however today i ate really really bad so i probably gained someback.
Kelbels9: my head hurts.
Kelbels9: spinning feeling..
EvilGarishFaery: I've grown accustomed to the headaches, nothing makes them go away.
Kelbels9: is it bad to mix medicine?
EvilGarishFaery: It makes you sick.
EvilGarishFaery: Can't kill you though.
Kelbels9: whoops..
Kelbels9: ok.
Kelbels9: right now i am currently taking 4 diff things.
Kelbels9: but it kinda helps despite the headacks
Kelbels9: i think i have strep throat or something.
EvilGarishFaery: The other nite I took like 9 different things.
EvilGarishFaery: Just to fuck myself up so the pain would temporarily leave my heart.
Kelbels9: it burns...
Kelbels9: yeah lots of IB profen make you feel tempar. numb.
Kelbels9: i think this is how a druggie feels.
Kelbels9: 8fake laugh*
EvilGarishFaery: It is how druggies feel. Temporarily leaving the world... Trust me, I know.
Kelbels9: why do drs perscript cysyal meth again?
Kelbels9: or whatever its techinal name is
EvilGarishFaery: I don't really know...
Kelbels9: humm
Kelbels9: what is the meaning of life?
Kelbels9: death?
EvilGarishFaery: Yeah.
Kelbels9: i mean dont we all just live are life to die?
EvilGarishFaery: We live to die.
EvilGarishFaery: No matter how happy your life is, you'll die.
EvilGarishFaery: What's the difference between happiness and sadness if they both result in the same thing?
Kelbels9: and there is really no meaning, for you will eventtually die anyway.
Kelbels9: and old people arnt happy.
Kelbels9: i dont want to ever be old.
Kelbels9: wow....reminds me...i will be 15 in 4 days.
EvilGarishFaery: Both are just unsensical delusions... Cause we all know we'll die anyways. So why isn't everyone at a medium.
Kelbels9: i dont know.
Kelbels9: i hate life.
Kelbels9: it is full of pain.
Kelbels9: and suffering.
Kelbels9: and sorrow.
Kelbels9: and jelously.
Kelbels9: and forgotteness.
Kelbels9: and hatred.
Kelbels9: and loneliness...
Kelbels9: and lust...
EvilGarishFaery: I don't see what the point of living is.
EvilGarishFaery: Why doesn't everyone just die now...
Kelbels9: to find a soul mate... i dont even believe in such faery tales.
EvilGarishFaery: Kill off the world and make it so that no one ever has to feel the way we do.
Kelbels9: i dont understand.
Kelbels9: why would god have so much suffering?
Kelbels9: whats so great about heaven then makes us suffer here?
EvilGarishFaery: Because God's an asshole. Oh dear, now I'm going to hell.
Kelbels9: doesnt he love us?
Kelbels9: doesnt he want to see us happy?
Kelbels9: im so confused.
Kelbels9: he seems cruel.
Kelbels9: like this is his sick plesure.
Kelbels9: im so confused.
Kelbels9: why, do we live to die?
Kelbels9: is there even a point to life?
Kelbels9: no, not really.
Kelbels9: holy fuck...
EvilGarishFaery: "I don't believe in any actual thinking God that marks the fall of every bird in Australia or every bug in India, a God that records all of our sins into a big golden book and judges us when we die--I don't want to believe in a God who would deliberately create bad people and then deliberately send then to roast in a hell HE created--but I believe there has to be something."
Kelbels9: ...from you?
EvilGarishFaery: Stephen King.
Kelbels9: i see.
EvilGarishFaery: He has a way of describing what I feel.
EvilGarishFaery: Why would God deliberately create bad people?
Kelbels9: sarah...i have no fucking idea.
EvilGarishFaery: Doesn't he control everything, shouldn't he control our emotions?
Kelbels9: it makes no sense
Kelbels9: omfg...
EvilGarishFaery: I know... I'm so confused.
Kelbels9: me too.
Kelbels9: you took the words out of my mouth.
EvilGarishFaery: I'm lost, just like the girl in this book. But she's in the woods, and I'm in my room...
Kelbels9: this is all just so... fucked up.
EvilGarishFaery: Yeah. It is...
Kelbels9: and now i feel selfish. people are out there dieing... and here i am with clothes, food, a good school...
Kelbels9: and yet i hate everything that has been given to me.
Kelbels9: i even hate myself.
EvilGarishFaery: Today, I officially stop believing in "God". Cause if he is out there, he's a selfish ass.
EvilGarishFaery: I've hated myself for a long time...
Kelbels9: i stopped beliving in god a while ago.
Kelbels9: im just so confused.
Kelbels9: about everything.
Kelbels9: family, friends, school, life, guys...
EvilGarishFaery: Life in general confuses me.
Kelbels9: my head hurts so bad.
Kelbels9: going to get more pills.
Kelbels9: be back.
EvilGarishFaery: I have no problems, I just take the tiny conflicts and blow them up into something huge so I can take time to try and fix it. And I'm wasting my time on nonsensical problems. So I've focused on the world, and it's all just so vast and confusing that I don't know if my own thoughts are even mine anymore.
EvilGarishFaery: Okay.
Kelbels9: back
Kelbels9: ...why... sarah.....
Kelbels9: i cant cry any more.
Kelbels9: my emotions feel drained.
Kelbels9: i feel nothing at the moment...
Kelbels9: nothing at all.
Kelbels9: not even pain.
EvilGarishFaery: That's how I feel.
Kelbels9: it feels... almost good.
Kelbels9: not to think.
Kelbels9: not to feel.
EvilGarishFaery: Yeah.
Kelbels9: not to care.
EvilGarishFaery: Except I do think...
EvilGarishFaery: WAY too much..
Kelbels9: fuck
Kelbels9: parnets
Kelbels9 signed off at 12:28:41 AM.
What've I become?