(no subject)
Then one day,
When you went your own way
You felt justified,
And I was mortified
But today...
You are just a picture
And a thousand memories
Is all I take with me
Cause your smile
Is just too much to see
You're just a thousand memories
Fantasies, broken dreams
Reveries, sordid histories
For the past few days, somethings been wrong with me and I can't pinpoint it. Whatever it is, it's horrible. Some people say they feel as though the world around them's stopped and their still moving. For me, the world around me continues and I'm trapped in a stillframe, unable to carry on like a normal human being. Bobby, Paul and Lance have told me to stay strong, and that life will get better. But none of you realize how long I've been telling myself that. I've become so sick of lying to myself. It feels like there's a giant hole in my heart, that no one can fill. It's waiting for someone, who truly understands and plans to change things, to fill. I'm tired of living in physical relationships, where there's no mental connection. But rite now, Bryan's lies and fake love seem better than the loneliness and depression I feel. It's like I want someone to use me, no matter how upsetting it'll be when the truth sets in. Usually when I'm upset I cry, but I can't cry. I can't even laugh... All I feel is anger. Anger towards myself for not being good enough to survive in this world. I'm angry because I'm not strong enough to just suck it all up like everyone else does and keep on truckin'. And I'm angry at the world for only seeing the depression in me and not giving me a second chance to prove that I'm a person. All they see is a weak, lost little girl, who's going to waste their time by crying with her pitiful stories. So I've kept my pitiful stories to myself, until they've bottled up inside and started to tear me apart. It's like there was a tower of cards in my soul, but the King of Hearts was stolen away, causing the tower to fall. And bit by bit I've rebuilt that tower, but it just can't be completed without that final card. So I've left the tower alone in hopes that that last card would come back, until one day out of my own stupidity I left the window to my soul open, and a strong wind blew in and knocked the tower over again. So it feels like I fell apart inside, unable to recompose myself. And to rebuild it takes will power, but why try when the results are always the same? Where are you King of Hearts? I need you to put my life back together... There are currently tears welling behind my eyes, but there's too much hatred in me to let them go.
Somehow I need to teach myself to let things go. Any tiny memory of anyone I've lost is triggering in my mind and it makes me miss them. And hate myself for not being wise enough to keep them. The worlds always going to be filled with memories, and I can't erase them. There's no sense in hating myself, it won't make things better.
The word myself has been used 7 times in this entry. I need to stop focusing on me and start focusing on the other people of the world.
Wonderwall will always remind me of him, because somewhere deep inside I feel like maybe he'll be the one to save me. I'm hopeless, so fucking hopeless...