Self Conclusion.
"Self-Conclusion"
Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world
"Excuse me, sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right"
My reply:
"Excuse me, miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?"
She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
My reply:
"Trust me, girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me"
She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do?
My offer stands, and you must choose
"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was going to jump too"
Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
There was this kid, whom I really didn't like. I hated the person that he was. "Yeah I fucked this girl and I just met her that day. I'm sittin here all coked up and on percs and just got done smoking a blunt." That was the same story over and over again I heard. It wasn't a "bad ass I kicked this kids ass and killed this kid" bullshit. He really was fucking these poor girls and taking their virginities. He never really liked them. Never faithful to them. Dated them just to get them to have sex with him. He really did lines of coke like it was his job. Sold drugs and took what he didn't sell. He was everything I hated. No morals, no life, nothing. I avioded seeing him. I never wanted to talk to him or see him. Only reason I did was because Jamie wanted to.
There was only one time we hung out outside of his work. Jamie, me, him, and our mutual friend Billy all went to this field. I was scared 'cause I knew they weren't sober and he was driving. While we were driving Billy took a few pills. At the field we talked about stupid shit and smoked. Mainly, they did. Jamie and I kinda stayed out of it.
One day we went up to talk to him with Jamie. He started telling up how he ODed on coke or whatever the fuck he was on... I laughed at him. I thought he deserved it and served him right for doing shit. I never cared, Jamie didn't seem to either.
Another day I was doing wash and Jamie yelled down "Wanna go to the hospital to him up?" My first reply and reaction was "What, he overdose again? Fucking moron. Yeah why tha hell not." And so Jamie, Joshua, and I went to get this kid from the hospital. Picked him up and he's telling us how he has an anxiety attack. Something about not being on drugs and stopping everything completely all at once, or something. I don't know what he was trying to explain. All I have is he had it at work and we had to take him back to work. I didn't care. I made fun of him and couldn't wait to get him out of the car.
Days past where we didn't talk to him or anything. One day at work I got a text asking me what I was doing. I honestly can't remember why we exchanged numbers. Something stupid I'm sure. He has called me a few times before but I never answered. I never cared to. I was bored and closing at work. He said he's still not doing drugs and was bored. He wanted to go to the movies. I REALLY didn't want to go. I said I didn't want to go because I had no money. "I'll pay." I have no way there...."I'll pick you up from work." I don't know what's out or anything. I'm still at work. "Let's see the Departed. I'll get you asap the movie starts at 10:15." I still have no money. "I'LL FUCKING PAY!" Uh, fine. Why I agreed to go, I don't know. I never hung out with him alone. I always had Jamie there. This time is was just us, going to the movies. I told him I'm not a trailer park whore and not to try anything. He said he has no intentions.
On the way to the movies we talked about him doing stupid drugs and him stopping. We also talked about what drugs I've done and why I wont do them anymore. The movie was amazing, and we found it hysterical. Of course, everyone getting shot in the face isn't as funny to others, but hey we were dying. That whole night we just kinda talked and hung out.
I told Jamie it wasn't THAT bad hanging out with him. It was still weird. That night he told me things he never told other people, and I never understood why.
The next night I got the same text message. I had the same excuse. He didn't want to go out and be a third wheel he said and asked if I would please go. I said fine whatever. Let me tell you how ...FUCKED UP that night was. Him and his friend Hunter picked me up. At first everything was fine. Going to get Hunter's girl...jawn... they ended up arguing. About what, I don't know. She was bitching we're going to be late and that we should just forget it and all that shit. I don't know what he deal was but she was pissing me off. It came down to use trying to get there really fast and his car blowing up, haha. We never made it to that girl. We just walked to a McDonalds and tried to figure something out. I of course had no tolerence and called all my friends. Luckily Bill Miles and his girlfriend Ashley agreed to get us. We managed to get the car to a parking lot to like a Strauss or something. By then, Hunter and I wanted to kill one another. We were fighting about stupid shit. He was telling me he's tougher than me and my friends and he's seen more fucked up shit than me. More or less we fought about who's life sucks more and whos more gangster. At one point I just stopped and let him go on. I was grinding my teeth and clenching my fists. I was told to just let him go, so I did. Hunter then said "Has your uncle ever drank himself stupid to where he was in the hospital?! Have you ever had to experience that?!" I looked over and said fuck it. I turned to Hunter and said "No... But I've witnessed my dad drink himself TO DEATH and my brother KILL HIMSELF with oxy's. So until you know what I've been through, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He just shut up for a minute and then said he's going to shoot me 'cause he had a gun in his bag. By then we were laughing at him. It took a while waiting for Bill. Hunter thought I wouldn't give him a ride. Trust me, I had to force myself to let him in the car. While waiting we all kind of sat at different corners of the parking lot. Hunter was else where on his phone. I was sitting down crying 'cause by then I was frustrated and needed someone to vent to. So I called my friend Ted. While he just kind of cleaned out his car. I got off the phone with Ted and he sat next to me. By then I wasn't crying and I was still shocked I was with him alone, and not with Jamie. He was appologizing for his friend and said we should all not be morbid and we should atleast sit by the car. By then he had me smile so I said fuck it and went over with him. Not to mention I was cold so he gave me his hoodie. Eventually we were all just sitting and talking while waiting for our ride.
I just wanted to go home at that point. But he wanted me to come with him while he took Hunter home, which was down at Drexel. We were all the way in Bensalem. Bill came and I decided I'd go with him to take Hunter home. So Bill took up to State and Linden. We thanked Bill and Ashley and they left. I was going to go with them later that night but I didn't. At State and Linden is where his grandmother lived. He got her to lend us the car and off to take Hunter home we went. By the time he got home and all that, Hunter had appologized and everything was okay, I suppose.
On the way home from taking Hunter home, some how he made a wrong turn. Today I realized it would be really hard to make that turn...I kinda of think he did it intentionally. We talked the whole way home,no music. We talked about everything. Ended up sharing things I've never told ANYONE, and he did the same. Mind you, this is like the second time we've ever really hung out or talked. We made random plans to go to New York, which never happened. But just talking to him that entired time, I don't know... it did something...
He took me home and he didn't leave right away. We sat out in the car and talked for like an hour, or so. I couldn't tell you everything we talked about. I don't even know why we trusted eachother the way we did.
From that day on we talked every day and hung out more often. Everything else just kind of fell apart. But the reason those two days specifically stay in my mind is because those two days are the reason we are how we are today. I never understood why he was telling me what he was. I never understood why he kept repeating things to me over and over. Until recently, he told me why. I apparently am oblivious to things but I guess it made everything the more special?
To you those two days may seems pointless and stupid. I mean I've had heart to hearts with numerous people. But I guess... there was something about him that I could just...tell him things. In those two nights we realized we had a lot of random things in common. But as we kinda of thought we were just making a friendship, it ended up in so much more. In little to no time we devoloped feelings and a future at that.
Who knew that one text message saying "What are you doing tonight?" lead to "Will you marry me?" The same as who knew that first movie stub would lead to a ring.
I remembering saying to Christee that I would leave anyone for this boy I once knew. I would leave anyone. But you know what, then I would have. That girl would have. Now I am in college, I have a job, and very much in love with someone who I can tell my whole life to. I am involved in his family, he is involved in mine. I am no longer that girl who thrived off of the past and depended on others. I am a women who got herself into college and is gettin her life in order. I am doing this on my own and making my own decissions. I don't need to hear that I'm too young and I'm not ready. I am living MY life how I want to. I am aware of everything that can go wrong I am also awear of my life and feelings.
The song is relivant because it is basically how we were. We were on the brink of losing it and together we helped eachother and ourselves. I am now in college and I have classes and something to strive for. He is now off of drugs, learned to trust someone and is in the Army making something of himself. We are proud of ourselves and eachother. We trust eachother with our lives. We started from comeplete strangers and deveolped into, this. And we love our family. And like he told me last night, I am his family. He is mine.
I said I've loved other but I lied to them, not myself. Kevin Ian Dietrich was my first love. While I believe Courtney whoever tha fuck she is was his. But the other day, before he left for the Army to finish basic, he got chinese food. His fortune cookie said "You will have many loves in your life, but only one true love."
My ring is a claddagh ring. I've wanted one forever. I looked up the correct way to wear it when you're engaged so I don't look like an idiot, haha. While I did that I fell upon the meaning. The clasped hands stand for togetherness and friendship. Which is how we started. The heart stands for love, which is what we have for eachother. The crown stands for loyalty which is what our relationship is strongly based upon due to him being in the army. This ring means so much more to me, now.
I said to him the other night when he called that if he wasn't in the Army, we wouldn't be engaged nor would he want children with me. His imediate reply was " You're right, we wouldn't be engaged, but it would be considered. As close as we are now as little time as we've been together due to me being away, how much closer would we be if I were home all the time? How much more would we love eachother? When we're married and I travel, you come with me. That's how I want it to be. You with me all the time." He couldn't be more right. I cannot wait until July. I cannot wait to be with him everyday. We live together when he's home, but instead of that 2 week or 1 month bullshit, it will be everyday... I've never been so happy, content, comfortable, or even lost for words.
He asks me constantly "Why are you smiling." The real reason? I can't help it.
I did my tarrot last night. The question was "Is this the right thing to do?" The card I drew was the 9 of penticals. Not that I believe too much into that... it made everything feel better as well.
Why I wrote this all out, I don't know.
But I am proud and happy to say that I truely do love Robert Keith Thomas Darigo Jr. and I will wait for him as long as I have to. I'll be proud to have his name.
The End.
Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world
"Excuse me, sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right"
My reply:
"Excuse me, miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?"
She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
My reply:
"Trust me, girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me"
She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do?
My offer stands, and you must choose
"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was going to jump too"
Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
There was this kid, whom I really didn't like. I hated the person that he was. "Yeah I fucked this girl and I just met her that day. I'm sittin here all coked up and on percs and just got done smoking a blunt." That was the same story over and over again I heard. It wasn't a "bad ass I kicked this kids ass and killed this kid" bullshit. He really was fucking these poor girls and taking their virginities. He never really liked them. Never faithful to them. Dated them just to get them to have sex with him. He really did lines of coke like it was his job. Sold drugs and took what he didn't sell. He was everything I hated. No morals, no life, nothing. I avioded seeing him. I never wanted to talk to him or see him. Only reason I did was because Jamie wanted to.
There was only one time we hung out outside of his work. Jamie, me, him, and our mutual friend Billy all went to this field. I was scared 'cause I knew they weren't sober and he was driving. While we were driving Billy took a few pills. At the field we talked about stupid shit and smoked. Mainly, they did. Jamie and I kinda stayed out of it.
One day we went up to talk to him with Jamie. He started telling up how he ODed on coke or whatever the fuck he was on... I laughed at him. I thought he deserved it and served him right for doing shit. I never cared, Jamie didn't seem to either.
Another day I was doing wash and Jamie yelled down "Wanna go to the hospital to him up?" My first reply and reaction was "What, he overdose again? Fucking moron. Yeah why tha hell not." And so Jamie, Joshua, and I went to get this kid from the hospital. Picked him up and he's telling us how he has an anxiety attack. Something about not being on drugs and stopping everything completely all at once, or something. I don't know what he was trying to explain. All I have is he had it at work and we had to take him back to work. I didn't care. I made fun of him and couldn't wait to get him out of the car.
Days past where we didn't talk to him or anything. One day at work I got a text asking me what I was doing. I honestly can't remember why we exchanged numbers. Something stupid I'm sure. He has called me a few times before but I never answered. I never cared to. I was bored and closing at work. He said he's still not doing drugs and was bored. He wanted to go to the movies. I REALLY didn't want to go. I said I didn't want to go because I had no money. "I'll pay." I have no way there...."I'll pick you up from work." I don't know what's out or anything. I'm still at work. "Let's see the Departed. I'll get you asap the movie starts at 10:15." I still have no money. "I'LL FUCKING PAY!" Uh, fine. Why I agreed to go, I don't know. I never hung out with him alone. I always had Jamie there. This time is was just us, going to the movies. I told him I'm not a trailer park whore and not to try anything. He said he has no intentions.
On the way to the movies we talked about him doing stupid drugs and him stopping. We also talked about what drugs I've done and why I wont do them anymore. The movie was amazing, and we found it hysterical. Of course, everyone getting shot in the face isn't as funny to others, but hey we were dying. That whole night we just kinda talked and hung out.
I told Jamie it wasn't THAT bad hanging out with him. It was still weird. That night he told me things he never told other people, and I never understood why.
The next night I got the same text message. I had the same excuse. He didn't want to go out and be a third wheel he said and asked if I would please go. I said fine whatever. Let me tell you how ...FUCKED UP that night was. Him and his friend Hunter picked me up. At first everything was fine. Going to get Hunter's girl...jawn... they ended up arguing. About what, I don't know. She was bitching we're going to be late and that we should just forget it and all that shit. I don't know what he deal was but she was pissing me off. It came down to use trying to get there really fast and his car blowing up, haha. We never made it to that girl. We just walked to a McDonalds and tried to figure something out. I of course had no tolerence and called all my friends. Luckily Bill Miles and his girlfriend Ashley agreed to get us. We managed to get the car to a parking lot to like a Strauss or something. By then, Hunter and I wanted to kill one another. We were fighting about stupid shit. He was telling me he's tougher than me and my friends and he's seen more fucked up shit than me. More or less we fought about who's life sucks more and whos more gangster. At one point I just stopped and let him go on. I was grinding my teeth and clenching my fists. I was told to just let him go, so I did. Hunter then said "Has your uncle ever drank himself stupid to where he was in the hospital?! Have you ever had to experience that?!" I looked over and said fuck it. I turned to Hunter and said "No... But I've witnessed my dad drink himself TO DEATH and my brother KILL HIMSELF with oxy's. So until you know what I've been through, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He just shut up for a minute and then said he's going to shoot me 'cause he had a gun in his bag. By then we were laughing at him. It took a while waiting for Bill. Hunter thought I wouldn't give him a ride. Trust me, I had to force myself to let him in the car. While waiting we all kind of sat at different corners of the parking lot. Hunter was else where on his phone. I was sitting down crying 'cause by then I was frustrated and needed someone to vent to. So I called my friend Ted. While he just kind of cleaned out his car. I got off the phone with Ted and he sat next to me. By then I wasn't crying and I was still shocked I was with him alone, and not with Jamie. He was appologizing for his friend and said we should all not be morbid and we should atleast sit by the car. By then he had me smile so I said fuck it and went over with him. Not to mention I was cold so he gave me his hoodie. Eventually we were all just sitting and talking while waiting for our ride.
I just wanted to go home at that point. But he wanted me to come with him while he took Hunter home, which was down at Drexel. We were all the way in Bensalem. Bill came and I decided I'd go with him to take Hunter home. So Bill took up to State and Linden. We thanked Bill and Ashley and they left. I was going to go with them later that night but I didn't. At State and Linden is where his grandmother lived. He got her to lend us the car and off to take Hunter home we went. By the time he got home and all that, Hunter had appologized and everything was okay, I suppose.
On the way home from taking Hunter home, some how he made a wrong turn. Today I realized it would be really hard to make that turn...I kinda of think he did it intentionally. We talked the whole way home,no music. We talked about everything. Ended up sharing things I've never told ANYONE, and he did the same. Mind you, this is like the second time we've ever really hung out or talked. We made random plans to go to New York, which never happened. But just talking to him that entired time, I don't know... it did something...
He took me home and he didn't leave right away. We sat out in the car and talked for like an hour, or so. I couldn't tell you everything we talked about. I don't even know why we trusted eachother the way we did.
From that day on we talked every day and hung out more often. Everything else just kind of fell apart. But the reason those two days specifically stay in my mind is because those two days are the reason we are how we are today. I never understood why he was telling me what he was. I never understood why he kept repeating things to me over and over. Until recently, he told me why. I apparently am oblivious to things but I guess it made everything the more special?
To you those two days may seems pointless and stupid. I mean I've had heart to hearts with numerous people. But I guess... there was something about him that I could just...tell him things. In those two nights we realized we had a lot of random things in common. But as we kinda of thought we were just making a friendship, it ended up in so much more. In little to no time we devoloped feelings and a future at that.
Who knew that one text message saying "What are you doing tonight?" lead to "Will you marry me?" The same as who knew that first movie stub would lead to a ring.
I remembering saying to Christee that I would leave anyone for this boy I once knew. I would leave anyone. But you know what, then I would have. That girl would have. Now I am in college, I have a job, and very much in love with someone who I can tell my whole life to. I am involved in his family, he is involved in mine. I am no longer that girl who thrived off of the past and depended on others. I am a women who got herself into college and is gettin her life in order. I am doing this on my own and making my own decissions. I don't need to hear that I'm too young and I'm not ready. I am living MY life how I want to. I am aware of everything that can go wrong I am also awear of my life and feelings.
The song is relivant because it is basically how we were. We were on the brink of losing it and together we helped eachother and ourselves. I am now in college and I have classes and something to strive for. He is now off of drugs, learned to trust someone and is in the Army making something of himself. We are proud of ourselves and eachother. We trust eachother with our lives. We started from comeplete strangers and deveolped into, this. And we love our family. And like he told me last night, I am his family. He is mine.
I said I've loved other but I lied to them, not myself. Kevin Ian Dietrich was my first love. While I believe Courtney whoever tha fuck she is was his. But the other day, before he left for the Army to finish basic, he got chinese food. His fortune cookie said "You will have many loves in your life, but only one true love."
My ring is a claddagh ring. I've wanted one forever. I looked up the correct way to wear it when you're engaged so I don't look like an idiot, haha. While I did that I fell upon the meaning. The clasped hands stand for togetherness and friendship. Which is how we started. The heart stands for love, which is what we have for eachother. The crown stands for loyalty which is what our relationship is strongly based upon due to him being in the army. This ring means so much more to me, now.
I said to him the other night when he called that if he wasn't in the Army, we wouldn't be engaged nor would he want children with me. His imediate reply was " You're right, we wouldn't be engaged, but it would be considered. As close as we are now as little time as we've been together due to me being away, how much closer would we be if I were home all the time? How much more would we love eachother? When we're married and I travel, you come with me. That's how I want it to be. You with me all the time." He couldn't be more right. I cannot wait until July. I cannot wait to be with him everyday. We live together when he's home, but instead of that 2 week or 1 month bullshit, it will be everyday... I've never been so happy, content, comfortable, or even lost for words.
He asks me constantly "Why are you smiling." The real reason? I can't help it.
I did my tarrot last night. The question was "Is this the right thing to do?" The card I drew was the 9 of penticals. Not that I believe too much into that... it made everything feel better as well.
Why I wrote this all out, I don't know.
But I am proud and happy to say that I truely do love Robert Keith Thomas Darigo Jr. and I will wait for him as long as I have to. I'll be proud to have his name.
The End.