Emo ATTACK!
Sorry I haven't been updating like I want to. Half of it is being busy, half of it is having too much to explain, half of it is being afraid of having my entries turn out like the other one. Jesus.
As for my plans, I am definitely going home before Christmas. My heart of hearts, the one that is not tied up in all this drama, dreads it -- but Adam and his new girlfriend are quite happy with each other and while I like them both quite a bit, I still become anxious and, frankly, physically ill when they are both in the same room as I am, at the same time, within any proximity to each other. Today he took her on their lunchbreak (longer because she was skipping/had no sociology class) to meet his mom. Things are progressing well for them. I just don't want to see that couple-happiness during Christmas. I...can't. I spent 15-30 minutes standing next to Adam at the bowling alley awkwardly trying to get some mild form of conversation out of him last night and got nothing -- sat down in one of the booths to read my book, and looking over my shoulder a few minutes after that, saw him happily cutting up with her. Yeah, that'll do it for you. Almost had me in tears.
She is...just so good for him. He can't get enough of her. He respects her. He wants to go do things with her.
And to me, he feels obligated. I guess it's the situation's fault, not either of ours, but I have a lot of trouble getting past this. I poured so much into this and he showed me his worst sides -- fought me for every inch I asked of him. (Maybe because I asked it of him?) And to the next girl, he gives all of his best sides, and none of the injury. Naturally; without request.
At least she is a good person. At least I know that she, if anyone, would take care of him.
But still. I need to get away from this because through all that has happened, my feelings have not changed a single iota.
And that, my friends, is solely my problem, and it is my worst problem, and the one that I will have to solve first.
And I suppose that it is also my problem that he was, and in a strange way still is, the most important thing to me. In a personal sense -- I really do consider school, work, etc facets of my life I just *do*, that really don't rank on my invisi-list of important things. But yes. I need to fix that. I need to let go, to let his business be his business, for god's sake to stop helping him in his relationship, which proves me a glutton for punishment and reinforces my belief that I have a hopeless martyr complex. Absolutely hopeless.
So frankly, I will go home. I'm thinking around the 18th of December. I am tempted to go Greyhound just for the simple fact that it will take me longer (does that tell you how I feel about home?), but I will be flying.
If I find out from CNI that their loan office will grant me financial assistance covering the entire cost of my education, I will be working full-time until August, when one of their start dates occurs. I will get my license, and save my money to buy a little turd of a car that will get me to their internship offices. If this falls through properly, I will take the LVN course at CNI, graduate after 52 weeks, and work until I have $5,000-$7,000 saved. And possibly possess a better car.
And after that, I will leave. To go somewhere yet unknown. My heart and head will have to duke that one out but whoever wins, I'm listening to.
But it will be a decision I make alone.
March 16 5:30 A.M.
Today, I will be leaving this town.
The book I borrowed is on the desk.
The orange knit is for my little sister.
The fish need to be fed twice a day.
I'm sorry for selfishly deciding all this on my own
but today was the time to leave,
not yesterday, and not tomorrow
Here, I've always been surrounded by wonderful people who've loved me
There will no replacement for and no equivalent of this town which
I will be leaving today
I've got to go before the church bells ring
Take care, everyone.
March 16 No. 3, South Wishbone
...I find it so incredibly strange that Maaya Sakamoto has a song for every strange little facet of my life.
Hey, at least I put up the translated version.
As for my plans, I am definitely going home before Christmas. My heart of hearts, the one that is not tied up in all this drama, dreads it -- but Adam and his new girlfriend are quite happy with each other and while I like them both quite a bit, I still become anxious and, frankly, physically ill when they are both in the same room as I am, at the same time, within any proximity to each other. Today he took her on their lunchbreak (longer because she was skipping/had no sociology class) to meet his mom. Things are progressing well for them. I just don't want to see that couple-happiness during Christmas. I...can't. I spent 15-30 minutes standing next to Adam at the bowling alley awkwardly trying to get some mild form of conversation out of him last night and got nothing -- sat down in one of the booths to read my book, and looking over my shoulder a few minutes after that, saw him happily cutting up with her. Yeah, that'll do it for you. Almost had me in tears.
She is...just so good for him. He can't get enough of her. He respects her. He wants to go do things with her.
And to me, he feels obligated. I guess it's the situation's fault, not either of ours, but I have a lot of trouble getting past this. I poured so much into this and he showed me his worst sides -- fought me for every inch I asked of him. (Maybe because I asked it of him?) And to the next girl, he gives all of his best sides, and none of the injury. Naturally; without request.
At least she is a good person. At least I know that she, if anyone, would take care of him.
But still. I need to get away from this because through all that has happened, my feelings have not changed a single iota.
And that, my friends, is solely my problem, and it is my worst problem, and the one that I will have to solve first.
And I suppose that it is also my problem that he was, and in a strange way still is, the most important thing to me. In a personal sense -- I really do consider school, work, etc facets of my life I just *do*, that really don't rank on my invisi-list of important things. But yes. I need to fix that. I need to let go, to let his business be his business, for god's sake to stop helping him in his relationship, which proves me a glutton for punishment and reinforces my belief that I have a hopeless martyr complex. Absolutely hopeless.
So frankly, I will go home. I'm thinking around the 18th of December. I am tempted to go Greyhound just for the simple fact that it will take me longer (does that tell you how I feel about home?), but I will be flying.
If I find out from CNI that their loan office will grant me financial assistance covering the entire cost of my education, I will be working full-time until August, when one of their start dates occurs. I will get my license, and save my money to buy a little turd of a car that will get me to their internship offices. If this falls through properly, I will take the LVN course at CNI, graduate after 52 weeks, and work until I have $5,000-$7,000 saved. And possibly possess a better car.
And after that, I will leave. To go somewhere yet unknown. My heart and head will have to duke that one out but whoever wins, I'm listening to.
But it will be a decision I make alone.
March 16 5:30 A.M.
Today, I will be leaving this town.
The book I borrowed is on the desk.
The orange knit is for my little sister.
The fish need to be fed twice a day.
I'm sorry for selfishly deciding all this on my own
but today was the time to leave,
not yesterday, and not tomorrow
Here, I've always been surrounded by wonderful people who've loved me
There will no replacement for and no equivalent of this town which
I will be leaving today
I've got to go before the church bells ring
Take care, everyone.
March 16 No. 3, South Wishbone
...I find it so incredibly strange that Maaya Sakamoto has a song for every strange little facet of my life.
Hey, at least I put up the translated version.