American Idol: Ryan Seacrest (& Adam/Ryan): My Heart to Your Beat
Title: my heart to your beat
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Ryan Seacrest centric, Adam Lambert/Ryan
Rating: R? Look, there's a reason I'm not the MPAA. Actually, there's a lotta reasons.
Summary: Ryan doesn't mind being closeted, because that's just how showbiz goes. Except then there's Adam, and Ryan finds that maybe he does, and maybe it's not.
Notes: Thanks to ruby_fruit, who beta'd and also gave me bribery motivation via porn. :D ♥ Title belongs to Anna Nalick.
Also, I just have to say, I did a poll in my LJ not too long ago about a portmanteau for the pairing, and for some reason my friends list decided to go with Seabert. I, however, must disagree with the masses and say that if we are going to have a smooshed name, it needs to be Rydam. Because it sounds like "ride 'em." Make it happen, internet.
They know what they're getting into with Adam Lambert, sort of. Adam tells them he's done theatre, and he sings Cher during Hollywood week. Simon doesn't bother to stop himself from making comments about the sexuality of men in eyeliner and theatre when it's only the other judges and Ryan. For as tactless as Simon can be, it's something they all figure is true.
The consensus, though, is that they had Danny Noriega, after all, snapping his fingers and sassing Simon.
Compared to that, they all agree, Adam Lambert will be no big deal.
Right.
Because less than two months later, there are the pictures. Ryan doesn't know if the producers were told, but he sure wasn't. They should have been taken down but they weren't and now they're all over the internet.
So there are pictures of Adam with glitter all over, painted nails at some man's neck as they kiss (and damn but that's going to be all he thinks about for weeks). After that, there is no agreement about what to do, until finally they pull Adam aside.
Ryan knows that Adam must be frustrated right now, from answers being fed to him and whatever else was said behind the doors. Yet he can't help but be a little -- a little jealous, because he has pictures with women and kisses that mean nothing, and Adam has pictures with men and kisses that mean everything.
*
When people spark rumors about the judges and contestants and inappropriate relationships, Ryan has to wonder where, aside from time, these people think they get the privacy. It's obvious if they go to the mansion, and it's not like there's a lot of quiet backstage, either. Tiny corners still have staff milling around them.
There is a spot just outside one of the backstage doors that some of the contestants use for sneaking smoke breaks or cool-downs, and although it's generally deserted, it's still out in the open.
He knows Adam hangs out there sometimes, and when Ryan steps out the night after rehearsals the other man is there.
"For what it's worth," Ryan tells him, and Adam looks up, "I told them the pictures weren't a big deal."
Adam stares at him for a moment, and Ryan feels like he's being dissected. "Thanks. There wasn't anything you could do, but thanks for the thought."
Ryan continues, "I don't know what was said in there, they didn't tell me, but it had to have sucked."
"I wasn't surprised at anything they said," Adam says, shrugging. "It's stupid, but I wasn't surprised. And now it's over. You don't know, though?"
"No," Ryan says, a little confused. "Obviously I knew what was going on, but they don't tell me all the details of meetings like that with the contestants."
Adam shakes his head. "No, I meant, like you had been in one of those meetings. God, I'm sorry, I just assumed you were--"
"Oh." He can feel the blood rushing up to his face. He has the chance to deny this. He barely knows Adam, so there's no need to tell him. But then he glances at Adam, who looks guilty, and it's not his fault. Ryan takes a breathe. "I am. I just -- they don't know."
"Okay," Adam sighs. "Just as long as my gaydar isn't going haywire," he says, shooting Ryan a small grin. "And thanks, again. For telling me."
"Yeah," Ryan says. Then, suddenly, he feels like he needs to explain. Adam's probably had the door cracked open, at least, since he was old enough to walk. Or pick his own clothes. "I mean, I'm thirty-four years old," he says. "At this point, I can't just say 'This is American Idol -- and I am gay.'" He says it in his serious host voice, and Adam looks like he's trying hard not to laugh.
"Yeah, look, I know it's hard, trust me," Adam replies. "I got lucky with some awesome parents, but that doesn't stop you from worrying. And if I hadn't had them, I didn't have lots of money and a ridiculously long resume to fall back on, you know?" And, well, when you put it like that -- Ryan's always thought of it as just more to lose. Adam shifts against the wall, scuffs the ground with his boots. "But," he says, looking back at Ryan, "telling people, you do that for you, and no one else. If you decide it's time, you'll find a way."
But the thing is, Ryan thinks, he knows it's that time, can feel it weighing him down, and he doesn't think he'll ever find a way.
*
When he has the chance, Ryan rewatches Adam tell the woman interviewing him that he has nothing to hide, he is who he is. It's stupid and brave and simple all at once. Ryan can already see the headlines now, and he dreads results night, because this isn't something anyone needs to go home early for. And this is why he can't ever do the same thing, because he does still have too much to lose.
Except soon enough, it's been two days since Adam's statement and there's no explosion, no outry. Adam won't leave for personal reasons, won't suddenly be voted off. After all that's gone on in past seasons of Idol, it's -- there's really not a word to describe the jumble of thoughts and feelings, and he has to wonder what's changed.
Whatever it is, Adam will still sail through.
*
During quiet gaps in conversations or the day he runs through it in his head, the different ways he could do this.
In his mind, this is how it goes:
He calls Simon first. He should have told him years ago, because he considers Simon one of his closest friends now, and Ryan's mom already knows, so it only makes sense that this is his first call. Simon betrays no shock in his voice -- probably because there is none. Simon makes a joke but then he turns serious and says We can't change the dialogue of the show because that is what the audience expects, but we can try to be sure you are comfortable with it and how does Simon know everything?
Telling everyone doesn't necessarily get easier after that, but he does it still. He thinks about how this is practice for the big one (he doesn't think about how it's practice for a cyle of telling people that will never end).
People would be cliche. Idol would be too big. Instead, he talks GLAAD into giving him a ticket, which takes some effort and coming out again, because they really aren't pleased with him and Simon. When he shows up and the cameras flash and the questions come he smiles and says As a gay man, I feel it's important... and lets it go from there.
When he's back to work on Monday there's no word from the producers and he trusts it's at least partially because of certain people throwing their weight. Tuesday the audience is no different, and the remaining contestants sneak him thumbs-ups. When they go out to an after-party and looks are thrown his way, he can look back. In some ways it's like nothing has changed, but everything has.
But that's not actually how it happens, because he hasn't told anyone.
*
Regardless of what it says about him, Ryan almost seeks refuge in the times he catches Adam, taking in the moments, not knowing exactly why other than that he needs to be around someone who is himself, who isn't filtered into different people based on what others think the industry and Hollywood need.
"Hey," Ryan greets Adam. He searches for something else, thinks back to Adam's performance and oh, right, whatever he does he should not look below Adam's waist because there's a whip that swings in ways that he didn't think was allowed on family TV. So, judges' comments, he can talk about that. "I hope you're not letting Simon's comments get to you."
Adam laughs, quietly. "No," he says. "Not really. I respect what Simon says, but I imagine he'd call my whole life self-indulgent rubbish."
"I plead the fifth on that," Ryan jokes. He crosses to the other side of Adam, leaning against the wall next to him. "He does like you, you know. Just, uh, not that performance, I guess."
"Yeah, well. I'm not going to apologize for it," Adam says.
"No," Ryan replies slowly, "you don't apologize for anything, do you?"
Grinning brightly, Adam says, "Nope." He leans over a little and whispers mock-conspiratorially to Ryan, "And you can tell them I'm not going to start, either. If they think they can keep me under control all the time, we'll see."
Ryan raises his eyebrows. "Yeah? Is that a threat? I might have to warn 'em."
Adam's eyes glint and Ryan suspects they're going to be in even more trouble. "Oh, no, honey, that's a promise."
*
Every time Ryan thinks that Adam is going to tone it down, give in just a little, even though he should know better by now, he's proven wrong again.
Adam continues to wear nail polish on most nights (despite Randy Travis' comments, which still bring an annoyed look to Adam's face if someone mentions it). He still brings his own clothes to the set, which isn't uncommon for most contestants but means something else entirely when you're talking about Adam's clothing. He never lets the audience forget how comfortable with this sexuality he is, doing things with his hips and wandering hands that make the camera crew argue about where exactly to focus, and Ryan's still not sure if that's ingenious or dangerous.
And he continues to wrestle with the producers and stand his ground until he's allowed to rewrite entire phrases in the songs so that he's not lying.
Ryan doesn't know quite what to do with that, other than be amazed at how sure he is.
*
"You look tense," Adam says, the night it's down to the top six.
Ryan doesn't really have an answer to that. He's always exhausted, so he hardly notices when there's something else -- although really, there's more than the usual now, the thing he can't stop thinking about, appealing and stressful all at once.
"C'mere," Adam tells him, and Ryan shuffles closer.
Adam apparently grows impatient, displeased with the distance still between them, because he grabs Ryan by his tie, pulls Ryan up against him, and Ryan can feel Adam's lips moving against his ear. "What do you think would happen if," he starts, pushing up Ryan's button-down, trailing a hand down over Ryan's chest. He continues, turning them and pushing Ryan up against the tiled wall of the bathroom (and oh god Ryan hopes the door is locked and no one tries to get in), "one night when I'm standing next to you waiting for the judges' comments, I did this?" he asks, moving from Ryan's chest to his stomach to the waistband of his slacks, popping open the button and clasp, pulling down the zipper.
Ryan rolls his hips under Adam's hand. "Well, uh. First you'd probably be disqualified, and I'd be fired, definitely," he says, and then stops because Adam's hand is inside his pants and rubbing him slowly through the material of his boxer briefs. "Also, probably a really -- oh -- a really big FCC fine," Ryan manages to add before Adam's fingers are closing around his cock, and Ryan's head falls forward on Adam's shoulder.
The grip around him is strong but lazy, Adam stroking rhythmically. Ryan opens his eyes, groans, and the skin in front of him, the dip where Adam's neck meets his shoulder, is really tempting, so he scrapes his teeth along the skin there and lays tongue and lips over where the marks will be. He doesn't really care at this point if it's just going to cause more of a job for the make-up crew, and Adam doesn't seem to care about the whispers that will come about their origins, if the way he sighs and moans and brings Ryan's mouth to his is anything to go by.
Ryan's breaths come shorter and he shamelessly spreads his legs a little wider against the wall, pushes up into Adam, who quickens his pace. He kisses Ryan roughly, and Ryan can feel the heat building up in him. "Come on, Ryan," Adam says thickly, more fucking ridiculously sensual than anything he's ever done on stage, at least here, "give us a real show," and Ryan can't do anything but oblige.
Stepping away from Ryan, Adam retrieves a paper towel, dampens it. When he wipes it over Ryan's stomach, Ryan closes his eyes and exhales. He can still feel the phantom pressure of Adam's mouth on his, and can imagine sinking to his knees on the cold floor and feeling Adam heavy on his tongue.
Adam just throws the paper towel away, though, and straightens Ryan's shirt. Ryan hopes the camera does not choose to zoom in on Adam's pants, because they never hide anything. "I think we're on soon."
He finally sympathizes with how Kara must feel, for entirely different reasons, because Ryan dazed and not sure at all what just happened, but he's not going to complain.
*
The contestants are performing the group number, and Ryan stands off to the side, bouncing on his heels a little.
Adam is a fascination -- a nice, easy one but still nothing more, Ryan's certain, and that's good because although Adam still flashes friendly smiles, he never decides to pin Ryan up against a wall again. It's just that Adam is the idea of who Ryan could be, and Ryan wants to watch and touch that possibility as much as he can, but he can spend all the time in the world watching Adam and that doesn't make it real for him.
He trades jokes with Simon, more banter about clothing habits and closets, and it's the most awkward Ryan has ever felt in his life. He's not sure why, because this is how it's always been. There were some nights when he felt like the words were tumbling too far but he's grown used to it. Grown used to the fact that if there's one thing he's learned during all this time with American Idol, it's that he can joke about being gay, but he can never mean it.
Tonight he just knows that he hears accusations where there aren't any, like each word is Simon telling Ryan's personal story and the whole world is going to know.
But some part of him says maybe it's time, as the season replays in his mind, all the way back to the beginning, when he knew he can't ever do what Adam did and continues to do. Maybe, though, just maybe, the can't has changed to won't.
*
When Adam wins, there are no grand displays on his part. At first Ryan had half expected him to pull the nearest man into a sloppy kiss, but now he's not surprised when Adam doesn't do anything other than wipe his sleeve against watery eyes and say thank you. It's a phrase with a lot of layers this year, because despite Adam's lack of a spectacle everyone still knows what this means, reflected in Adam's smile and some of the faces in the audience.
Ryan smiles the same as the judges, no extra layers for them to see.
There's a mess of people on the stage next, and the mics catch someone saying "You did it," muffled by hugs.
At the after-party Adam has the girls on his arms, all happy to be back and thrilled for Adam. It's hard not to be. They mingle in with everyone else, Adam occasionally making faces for the camera. Once he gives Kris a loud kiss on the cheek, and Kris pretends to be shocked and appalled for the picture, but after it's over he's laughing.
The group of Idols spots him, and Adam and Alexis wave at him. They're only a few feet away and he makes it over quickly. "Congratulations, again," Ryan says.
"Thanks," Adam beams, and it's contagious. "It still feels amazing and unreal. Now me and these crazy kids get to go on a tour!" There's a few protests from those who are close to the same age, but Adam makes a visible point of not listening to them.
As he watches them, Ryan's lips quirk up. He drifts away to talk to other people, but the entire time he's distracted, and it almost feels like there are butterflies in his stomach.
He's on the verge of a split-second decision, and he looks around, searching before he changes his mind.
He can't find who he's looking for, and so he reaches in his pocket for his phone.
It takes Ryan a whole minute to dial seven digits, another to type out the simple where are you?, and another minute to decide to press send, but in the end he does, and Simon finds him.
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Ryan Seacrest centric, Adam Lambert/Ryan
Rating: R? Look, there's a reason I'm not the MPAA. Actually, there's a lotta reasons.
Summary: Ryan doesn't mind being closeted, because that's just how showbiz goes. Except then there's Adam, and Ryan finds that maybe he does, and maybe it's not.
Notes: Thanks to ruby_fruit, who beta'd and also gave me bribery motivation via porn. :D ♥ Title belongs to Anna Nalick.
Also, I just have to say, I did a poll in my LJ not too long ago about a portmanteau for the pairing, and for some reason my friends list decided to go with Seabert. I, however, must disagree with the masses and say that if we are going to have a smooshed name, it needs to be Rydam. Because it sounds like "ride 'em." Make it happen, internet.
They know what they're getting into with Adam Lambert, sort of. Adam tells them he's done theatre, and he sings Cher during Hollywood week. Simon doesn't bother to stop himself from making comments about the sexuality of men in eyeliner and theatre when it's only the other judges and Ryan. For as tactless as Simon can be, it's something they all figure is true.
The consensus, though, is that they had Danny Noriega, after all, snapping his fingers and sassing Simon.
Compared to that, they all agree, Adam Lambert will be no big deal.
Right.
Because less than two months later, there are the pictures. Ryan doesn't know if the producers were told, but he sure wasn't. They should have been taken down but they weren't and now they're all over the internet.
So there are pictures of Adam with glitter all over, painted nails at some man's neck as they kiss (and damn but that's going to be all he thinks about for weeks). After that, there is no agreement about what to do, until finally they pull Adam aside.
Ryan knows that Adam must be frustrated right now, from answers being fed to him and whatever else was said behind the doors. Yet he can't help but be a little -- a little jealous, because he has pictures with women and kisses that mean nothing, and Adam has pictures with men and kisses that mean everything.
*
When people spark rumors about the judges and contestants and inappropriate relationships, Ryan has to wonder where, aside from time, these people think they get the privacy. It's obvious if they go to the mansion, and it's not like there's a lot of quiet backstage, either. Tiny corners still have staff milling around them.
There is a spot just outside one of the backstage doors that some of the contestants use for sneaking smoke breaks or cool-downs, and although it's generally deserted, it's still out in the open.
He knows Adam hangs out there sometimes, and when Ryan steps out the night after rehearsals the other man is there.
"For what it's worth," Ryan tells him, and Adam looks up, "I told them the pictures weren't a big deal."
Adam stares at him for a moment, and Ryan feels like he's being dissected. "Thanks. There wasn't anything you could do, but thanks for the thought."
Ryan continues, "I don't know what was said in there, they didn't tell me, but it had to have sucked."
"I wasn't surprised at anything they said," Adam says, shrugging. "It's stupid, but I wasn't surprised. And now it's over. You don't know, though?"
"No," Ryan says, a little confused. "Obviously I knew what was going on, but they don't tell me all the details of meetings like that with the contestants."
Adam shakes his head. "No, I meant, like you had been in one of those meetings. God, I'm sorry, I just assumed you were--"
"Oh." He can feel the blood rushing up to his face. He has the chance to deny this. He barely knows Adam, so there's no need to tell him. But then he glances at Adam, who looks guilty, and it's not his fault. Ryan takes a breathe. "I am. I just -- they don't know."
"Okay," Adam sighs. "Just as long as my gaydar isn't going haywire," he says, shooting Ryan a small grin. "And thanks, again. For telling me."
"Yeah," Ryan says. Then, suddenly, he feels like he needs to explain. Adam's probably had the door cracked open, at least, since he was old enough to walk. Or pick his own clothes. "I mean, I'm thirty-four years old," he says. "At this point, I can't just say 'This is American Idol -- and I am gay.'" He says it in his serious host voice, and Adam looks like he's trying hard not to laugh.
"Yeah, look, I know it's hard, trust me," Adam replies. "I got lucky with some awesome parents, but that doesn't stop you from worrying. And if I hadn't had them, I didn't have lots of money and a ridiculously long resume to fall back on, you know?" And, well, when you put it like that -- Ryan's always thought of it as just more to lose. Adam shifts against the wall, scuffs the ground with his boots. "But," he says, looking back at Ryan, "telling people, you do that for you, and no one else. If you decide it's time, you'll find a way."
But the thing is, Ryan thinks, he knows it's that time, can feel it weighing him down, and he doesn't think he'll ever find a way.
*
When he has the chance, Ryan rewatches Adam tell the woman interviewing him that he has nothing to hide, he is who he is. It's stupid and brave and simple all at once. Ryan can already see the headlines now, and he dreads results night, because this isn't something anyone needs to go home early for. And this is why he can't ever do the same thing, because he does still have too much to lose.
Except soon enough, it's been two days since Adam's statement and there's no explosion, no outry. Adam won't leave for personal reasons, won't suddenly be voted off. After all that's gone on in past seasons of Idol, it's -- there's really not a word to describe the jumble of thoughts and feelings, and he has to wonder what's changed.
Whatever it is, Adam will still sail through.
*
During quiet gaps in conversations or the day he runs through it in his head, the different ways he could do this.
In his mind, this is how it goes:
He calls Simon first. He should have told him years ago, because he considers Simon one of his closest friends now, and Ryan's mom already knows, so it only makes sense that this is his first call. Simon betrays no shock in his voice -- probably because there is none. Simon makes a joke but then he turns serious and says We can't change the dialogue of the show because that is what the audience expects, but we can try to be sure you are comfortable with it and how does Simon know everything?
Telling everyone doesn't necessarily get easier after that, but he does it still. He thinks about how this is practice for the big one (he doesn't think about how it's practice for a cyle of telling people that will never end).
People would be cliche. Idol would be too big. Instead, he talks GLAAD into giving him a ticket, which takes some effort and coming out again, because they really aren't pleased with him and Simon. When he shows up and the cameras flash and the questions come he smiles and says As a gay man, I feel it's important... and lets it go from there.
When he's back to work on Monday there's no word from the producers and he trusts it's at least partially because of certain people throwing their weight. Tuesday the audience is no different, and the remaining contestants sneak him thumbs-ups. When they go out to an after-party and looks are thrown his way, he can look back. In some ways it's like nothing has changed, but everything has.
But that's not actually how it happens, because he hasn't told anyone.
*
Regardless of what it says about him, Ryan almost seeks refuge in the times he catches Adam, taking in the moments, not knowing exactly why other than that he needs to be around someone who is himself, who isn't filtered into different people based on what others think the industry and Hollywood need.
"Hey," Ryan greets Adam. He searches for something else, thinks back to Adam's performance and oh, right, whatever he does he should not look below Adam's waist because there's a whip that swings in ways that he didn't think was allowed on family TV. So, judges' comments, he can talk about that. "I hope you're not letting Simon's comments get to you."
Adam laughs, quietly. "No," he says. "Not really. I respect what Simon says, but I imagine he'd call my whole life self-indulgent rubbish."
"I plead the fifth on that," Ryan jokes. He crosses to the other side of Adam, leaning against the wall next to him. "He does like you, you know. Just, uh, not that performance, I guess."
"Yeah, well. I'm not going to apologize for it," Adam says.
"No," Ryan replies slowly, "you don't apologize for anything, do you?"
Grinning brightly, Adam says, "Nope." He leans over a little and whispers mock-conspiratorially to Ryan, "And you can tell them I'm not going to start, either. If they think they can keep me under control all the time, we'll see."
Ryan raises his eyebrows. "Yeah? Is that a threat? I might have to warn 'em."
Adam's eyes glint and Ryan suspects they're going to be in even more trouble. "Oh, no, honey, that's a promise."
*
Every time Ryan thinks that Adam is going to tone it down, give in just a little, even though he should know better by now, he's proven wrong again.
Adam continues to wear nail polish on most nights (despite Randy Travis' comments, which still bring an annoyed look to Adam's face if someone mentions it). He still brings his own clothes to the set, which isn't uncommon for most contestants but means something else entirely when you're talking about Adam's clothing. He never lets the audience forget how comfortable with this sexuality he is, doing things with his hips and wandering hands that make the camera crew argue about where exactly to focus, and Ryan's still not sure if that's ingenious or dangerous.
And he continues to wrestle with the producers and stand his ground until he's allowed to rewrite entire phrases in the songs so that he's not lying.
Ryan doesn't know quite what to do with that, other than be amazed at how sure he is.
*
"You look tense," Adam says, the night it's down to the top six.
Ryan doesn't really have an answer to that. He's always exhausted, so he hardly notices when there's something else -- although really, there's more than the usual now, the thing he can't stop thinking about, appealing and stressful all at once.
"C'mere," Adam tells him, and Ryan shuffles closer.
Adam apparently grows impatient, displeased with the distance still between them, because he grabs Ryan by his tie, pulls Ryan up against him, and Ryan can feel Adam's lips moving against his ear. "What do you think would happen if," he starts, pushing up Ryan's button-down, trailing a hand down over Ryan's chest. He continues, turning them and pushing Ryan up against the tiled wall of the bathroom (and oh god Ryan hopes the door is locked and no one tries to get in), "one night when I'm standing next to you waiting for the judges' comments, I did this?" he asks, moving from Ryan's chest to his stomach to the waistband of his slacks, popping open the button and clasp, pulling down the zipper.
Ryan rolls his hips under Adam's hand. "Well, uh. First you'd probably be disqualified, and I'd be fired, definitely," he says, and then stops because Adam's hand is inside his pants and rubbing him slowly through the material of his boxer briefs. "Also, probably a really -- oh -- a really big FCC fine," Ryan manages to add before Adam's fingers are closing around his cock, and Ryan's head falls forward on Adam's shoulder.
The grip around him is strong but lazy, Adam stroking rhythmically. Ryan opens his eyes, groans, and the skin in front of him, the dip where Adam's neck meets his shoulder, is really tempting, so he scrapes his teeth along the skin there and lays tongue and lips over where the marks will be. He doesn't really care at this point if it's just going to cause more of a job for the make-up crew, and Adam doesn't seem to care about the whispers that will come about their origins, if the way he sighs and moans and brings Ryan's mouth to his is anything to go by.
Ryan's breaths come shorter and he shamelessly spreads his legs a little wider against the wall, pushes up into Adam, who quickens his pace. He kisses Ryan roughly, and Ryan can feel the heat building up in him. "Come on, Ryan," Adam says thickly, more fucking ridiculously sensual than anything he's ever done on stage, at least here, "give us a real show," and Ryan can't do anything but oblige.
Stepping away from Ryan, Adam retrieves a paper towel, dampens it. When he wipes it over Ryan's stomach, Ryan closes his eyes and exhales. He can still feel the phantom pressure of Adam's mouth on his, and can imagine sinking to his knees on the cold floor and feeling Adam heavy on his tongue.
Adam just throws the paper towel away, though, and straightens Ryan's shirt. Ryan hopes the camera does not choose to zoom in on Adam's pants, because they never hide anything. "I think we're on soon."
He finally sympathizes with how Kara must feel, for entirely different reasons, because Ryan dazed and not sure at all what just happened, but he's not going to complain.
*
The contestants are performing the group number, and Ryan stands off to the side, bouncing on his heels a little.
Adam is a fascination -- a nice, easy one but still nothing more, Ryan's certain, and that's good because although Adam still flashes friendly smiles, he never decides to pin Ryan up against a wall again. It's just that Adam is the idea of who Ryan could be, and Ryan wants to watch and touch that possibility as much as he can, but he can spend all the time in the world watching Adam and that doesn't make it real for him.
He trades jokes with Simon, more banter about clothing habits and closets, and it's the most awkward Ryan has ever felt in his life. He's not sure why, because this is how it's always been. There were some nights when he felt like the words were tumbling too far but he's grown used to it. Grown used to the fact that if there's one thing he's learned during all this time with American Idol, it's that he can joke about being gay, but he can never mean it.
Tonight he just knows that he hears accusations where there aren't any, like each word is Simon telling Ryan's personal story and the whole world is going to know.
But some part of him says maybe it's time, as the season replays in his mind, all the way back to the beginning, when he knew he can't ever do what Adam did and continues to do. Maybe, though, just maybe, the can't has changed to won't.
*
When Adam wins, there are no grand displays on his part. At first Ryan had half expected him to pull the nearest man into a sloppy kiss, but now he's not surprised when Adam doesn't do anything other than wipe his sleeve against watery eyes and say thank you. It's a phrase with a lot of layers this year, because despite Adam's lack of a spectacle everyone still knows what this means, reflected in Adam's smile and some of the faces in the audience.
Ryan smiles the same as the judges, no extra layers for them to see.
There's a mess of people on the stage next, and the mics catch someone saying "You did it," muffled by hugs.
At the after-party Adam has the girls on his arms, all happy to be back and thrilled for Adam. It's hard not to be. They mingle in with everyone else, Adam occasionally making faces for the camera. Once he gives Kris a loud kiss on the cheek, and Kris pretends to be shocked and appalled for the picture, but after it's over he's laughing.
The group of Idols spots him, and Adam and Alexis wave at him. They're only a few feet away and he makes it over quickly. "Congratulations, again," Ryan says.
"Thanks," Adam beams, and it's contagious. "It still feels amazing and unreal. Now me and these crazy kids get to go on a tour!" There's a few protests from those who are close to the same age, but Adam makes a visible point of not listening to them.
As he watches them, Ryan's lips quirk up. He drifts away to talk to other people, but the entire time he's distracted, and it almost feels like there are butterflies in his stomach.
He's on the verge of a split-second decision, and he looks around, searching before he changes his mind.
He can't find who he's looking for, and so he reaches in his pocket for his phone.
It takes Ryan a whole minute to dial seven digits, another to type out the simple where are you?, and another minute to decide to press send, but in the end he does, and Simon finds him.