My Name Is Heinrich
Disclaimer: This is a total figment of my imagination and anything resembling reality is a mistake.
Tony is something he doesn’t expect. They’ve become friends since he stopped drinking, gotten close in the way he wouldn’t have been able to before. Sometimes he’s still not quite sure how it happened and if it really is real.
One afternoon they’re arguing over just whose turn it is to pick the next movie and then all of a sudden Tony’s mouth is pressed against his. The kiss doesn’t last long but that makes no impact on the jumble of emotions that Heinrich’s currently experiencing. He lets Tony pick what they watch next while he attempts to make sense of the mess he’s now feeling.
He wants to call Sébastien the minute Tony leaves but he forces himself to wait because he wants to know if he really needs help or if this is merely an old habit. He finally caves after five minutes, this is something he doesn’t understand and the more help he has the better! He expects when he explains his dilemma to be greeted by laughter but instead he’s met with understanding. “What do you want to happen?” Sébastien finally asks.
What he wants is for Tony never to have kissed him so things could just continue the way they had before. That way he wouldn’t be experiencing the urge to run very far away very fast. “I’m not good at that sort of thing.”
“But you do like him?”
He thought that was mostly irrelevant information since either way it was going to go badly for him. He can’t even remember the last time he did this sober and even if he did it probably wouldn’t be pretty. Plus he has a bit of a reputation now and that comes with things like expectations he’s unlikely to be able to live up to now. “It’s not going to happen so I’m not going to think about it.”
“Heinrich-”
“Tony is Tony and I’m... well I’m me and he... There’s no way I can hope to be an equal to him and there are things I never want him to know about me.”
With the truth laid out like that it was impossible to ignore but he knew it would get easier to deal with. There were certain things in life that would never be his and Tony was one of them. Everything came with a price and he could live with that. “I’m not sure your lifestyle was the complete secret you’d like to think it was.”
There isn’t a lot he can say to that.
He gets busy for a while so mostly his life revolves around calling Sébastien and texting Tony occasionally. When he gets back Tony’s waiting for him with a new movie and a happy smile. He’s not sure he’s really in the mood for company but he doesn’t say no and that’s how they end up on the sofa in front of the TV.
The second time Tony kisses him is no less unexpected than the first. He’s pressed against the back of the sofa and there’s a warm body over his. Heinrich’s not sure what he wants and this time when the kiss ends there’s not a lot of space put between them. This time he’s going to have to have a response. The problem is he isn’t sure what that’s going to be.
He feels confused and that isn’t going to help the situation. Eyes run over him and he swallows hard as it finally dawns on him that this could go very wrong. He wants to call Sébastien to find out what he should do but he’s afraid the reaction from both men isn’t going to be good. “Heinrich?”
“I-” he starts but he’s not really sure what it is he wants to say.
Their mouths meet again and it’s this horrible, uncomfortable mess so he tries to force it back to something that he’s more familiar with. Tony ends the kiss abruptly when his hands skim downwards and he’s forced to just sit there with the kiss. He’s forced to think about those soft lips, the gentle warmth that comes with them and the tingly feeling they leave.
Heinrich being Heinrich seeks sanctuary in the kitchen and he wonders if anyone would notice if he snuck out to stock up his drinks cabinet. He doesn’t like the ache in his chest or the feeling that’s telling him that kissing Tony isn’t going to be enough. He’s been down this road before and it seems like nothing’s changed.
It’s not long before Tony follows him and hands are touching him with more care than he ever deserves. “It’ll be all right.”
He shakes his head at the words even as he’s leaning closer. He’s not even sure what he’s doing and he’s pretty sure that there’s a good chance he might actually be sick. This is totally the wrong way to behave in this sort of situation! The contact is brief but the feelings linger long after the touch is gone.
It’s three agonising weeks before Tony kisses him again. Three weeks Heinrich spends wondering if he’s done the wrong thing, if he’s misread the signals, if sober he really is bad at this. Then Tony kisses him goodnight as he’s leaving and Heinrich isn’t sure if that’s better. His lips part of seemingly of their own accord and butterflies take up residence in his stomach. He has no clue what to do with his hands, which is probably just as well because he’s pretty sure he has sweaty palms.
None of this seems to make any difference when Tony goes to end the kiss because instead of allowing it he’s following those lips and his hand comes up to cup the back of Tony’s head. The next kiss is slow which is enough to have him metaphorically standing there flailing his arms around. He puts up some resistance unwilling to let it touch him that deeply. If he can just protect that part of himself then he’ll be safe.
Tony’s breathing is a little uneven when their lips part and he’s not fairing much better. Unsteady fingers run over his jawline and he’s pretty sure that Tony is rethinking his plan to leave. Lips brush against his lightly. “Movie on Thursday?”
“Sure,” he’s saying before he can actually put some thought into it.
This time it’s Tony who gets busy and he’s the one who’s left behind. They text more frequently and Tony calls twice even though he’s not actually away that long. Heinrich’s called Sébastien for advice but it’s not been as solid as he wanted. “Just see where it goes,” Sébastien suggests when he asks what he should do about the situation.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had sex sober before.”
“Maybe you should tell Tony that.”
That is one conversation he plans never on having with Tony. Ever. He’ll just let things carry on the way they are because it’s unlikely that it’s going to be a problem. He’s old enough and experienced enough to know it’s not a big deal.
Tony’s lying on top of him on the sofa when the unthinkable happens. They’re kissing, Tony’s tongue is exploring his mouth and he’s still trying to keep things from getting too intimate. He’s okay with the occasional flash of pleasure and the warm, pleasant feeling that is constant, it’s just anything else that’s the problem. Then Tony grinds against him and he suddenly becomes aware of the fact that Tony’s hard.
He pushes trying to get some space between them and Tony’s looking at him with a confused expression on his face. Heinrich tries to tune out the hurt look he catches sight of even if it’s only there for a moment. His hands are trembling so he wraps them around himself where it’s less noticeable. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for things to get so far.”
“It’s fine,” he brushes it aside. “Do you want coffee?”
He’s in the kitchen before he gets an answer and the familiar routine of filling the kettle and turning it on is soothing to his frazzled nerves. He notices in a rather offhand manner that Tony wasn’t the only one who was enjoying what was happening between them but he ignores that problem and grabs mugs from the cupboard. Coffee. He’s making coffee.
He turns when he hears movement and sees Tony standing looking uncertain in the doorway to the kitchen. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Of course not!”
He reaches for the jar of coffee and hands come to rest on top of his forcing him to put it back down again. He can’t look at Tony and so he pulls his hands away and reaches for the jar again. “I thought you... liked where things were going.”
He takes the lid off the jar and then searches for a spoon. Why can he never find one when he’s making coffee? A spoon suddenly appears in front of him and he stares at if for a while before he takes it avoiding any contact with Tony as he does so. He puts granules into the cups and he hears the fridge door open.
Milk suddenly appears on the counter top and he stares at it for a moment. There’s a hand on his arm and he drags in an unsteady breath. The next thing he knows he’s reaching for Tony and joining their mouths together in a somewhat desperate kiss. Arms wrap around him bringing him closer and his lips part when Tony demands entrance to his mouth.
His hands are resting on Tony’s hips unsure of what to do even after all this time. His grip tightens at the pleasure that zips through him as Tony presses closer. He hears the moan as the movement is repeated and he ends the kiss abruptly. “Heinrich?”
He can hear the desire in Tony’s voice, the need both for more contact and answers that possibly won’t be forthcoming. “I don’t know that I’ve ever done this sober,” he blurts out unable to stop himself.
Tony drags in a few calming breaths. “This?”
“This,” Heinrich repeats.
“I don’t understand.”
“This, us, sex... I’m not sure I’ve ever done this sober and I have a bit of a reputation and so it’s bound to be disappointment and-” his words are cut off when Tony’s mouth presses against his.
“I’m not disappointed,” Tony reassures.
“You say that now but later it probably will be.”
Lips brush against his and he feels like Tony is taking such good care of him. It’s completely unexpected and he files that information away for consideration later when he’s alone. “It’s okay. If you’re not ready then you’re not ready.”
He feels like this great weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he leans forward just so he can feel Tony’s mouth against his. Hands grasp at him and that’s the first moment he thinks that maybe this won’t be a complete and utter disaster. He makes them both coffee and Tony keeps on reaching out to touch him as he does so. For the first time he allows himself to actually enjoy the contact.
They’re both busy for a while so it’s not really an issue between them. They talk and text more than they had before. Sébastien thinks this is a good thing and he’s tempted to agree. Tony knows about Sebastien now, how they became so close and everything seems to be going well. He’s even shared a few of the things that he’d done whilst he was drinking. Not a lot and he’s not sure he ever wants Tony to know how bad he got but there’s not this desperate urge to keep things to himself. Sure he’s not exactly volunteering information but that’s okay with him.
They do have one excruciatingly embarrassing conversation over the phone when Tony asks exactly how far he’s ready for things to go. He’s not entirely sure and so he blurts that out and then quickly changes the subject.
They’re having a bit of a movie marathon when the issue comes up again. They’ve eaten lunch so there are plates on the coffee table and Tony’s just put his favourite film into the dvd player. Heinrich’s really missed this, missed Tony and so that’s where his attention stays even while Tony is fiddling around with the remote until the title sequence comes up and it’s put down.
Tony sips at his coffee experimentally and then pulls a face. Heinrich smiles and thinks he’s not really surprised it’s cold now. He has told Tony he can bring alcohol with him but so far that’s never materialised. “If you want more now’s the time to go get it.”
“I’ll survive until the end and if I get really thirsty I’m sure I saw a carton of squash or something last time I was here.”
“Drank that already.”
Tony laughs at that and it makes him smile. He licks his lips and wonders what it would feel like if he kissed Tony now. “You’re not a very good host, I hope you know that!”
He claims the kiss he’s been thinking about and the teasing is momentarily forgotten. A hand comes up to touch his face and that’s when Tony deepens the kiss. His hand slides underneath Tony’s t-shirt and he touches bare skin for the first time in a really long time. His hand doesn’t move, just rests there while he works out what, if anything, he wants to do with it.
The movie gets forgotten and somehow he ends up on his back with Tony above him, legs either side of his waist. It’s cramped and he’s pretty sure Tony’s half falling off the sofa but as he grasps hold of the man in his arms he decides he’s not sure he’s all that bothered about it. No, that’s not quite true, he is bothered about it if Tony’s uncomfortable but if there aren’t any complaints forthcoming then he’s going to try not to worry about it too much.
Tony’s mouth is on his and that’s all he cares about. He’s pretty sure Tony’s chin is a bit damp and he can’t bring himself to care about that fact right now though it’s a fairly good bet that he’ll get worked up about it later. Right now he just doesn’t want Tony’s mouth to be away from his and if he gets that wish then everything else can take a backseat.
Tony’s mouth moves away from his but before he can complain he feels open-mouthed kisses being placed down his neck. He squirms on the sofa and his hips buck upwards when Tony sucks at the juncture between neck and shoulder. Hips move with his providing exactly what he hadn’t known was missing.
His breathing is unsteady as he seeks out Tony’s mouth again. He’s missed this so much he just wants to keep doing just this. Tony grinds against him and the kiss becomes more frantic. His hands move to grasp at Tony’s ass and encourage the movement. He hears Tony gasp and he really wouldn’t object to hearing that sound again.
His tongue traces the shell of Tony’s ear and he feels the man in his arm thrust his hips forward. He repeats the motion and gets exactly the same response. Before he can discover if the same thing happens with the other ear his mouth is claimed in a heated kiss and he completely forgets about what he was planning. Tony pulls back and he feels himself relaxing under the appraising gaze that runs over him. When their eyes meet again he can see the question he knows Tony desperately wants to ask. He isn’t sure of the answer however so he reaches up seeking another kiss.
Heinrich feels a hand slip inside his underwear and he wonders how exactly Tony managed to undo his fly without him noticing. He experiences a moment of hesitation where he feels slightly ill at ease because he didn’t really think about where this is going but it’s gone almost as soon as it arrives. Just because he didn’t notice it happening doesn’t mean it’s necessarily going to be a bad thing and if he wants to stop this he can do. He doesn’t have to worry so much with Tony, he can let there be a bit of flexibility in what they’re doing.
A hand closes around his cock and it’s so much, almost too much. He’s surprised that isn’t the end of it right there and then. He closes his eyes and attempts to regain some control over the situation. He doesn’t understand why this feels so good. It’s nothing he hasn’t done before and it’s relatively tame in comparison to some of the things he’s done. “Look at me.”
The plea causes him to open his eyes again and he automatically seeks to meet the gaze of the man responsible for the request. Their eyes lock together and he begins to feel rather vulnerable. There have been so many people that just that simple act with Tony watching him closely shouldn’t feel as good as this. It shouldn’t be like he’s never been touched before. It shouldn’t be possible and yet it’s undeniably happening.
Tony’s mouth seeks out his and the satisfaction he feels, already at a natural high, starts to rise. The hand around his cock moves and the heat that had been more of an unassuming warmth before begins to make its presence felt. He feels himself turning into a molten mass and the moan he’s desperate to keep in somehow escapes when Tony’s mouth releases his.
Heinrich doesn’t have the words to describe how he feels right now. It’s just so much he’s not sure he can keep it in check and yet he doesn’t want it to ever end. He wants to allow Tony to show him how it should be and he wants to feel every incredible second of it even if in the end their relationship crashes and burns.
The pleasure starts to build up inside of him and he grasps at Tony desperate for something to ground him. His breathing becomes more ragged and he moans as it becomes almost unbearably good. “Please,” he hears himself beg.
Tony keeps him balanced on the edge pulling him back before he can topple over it all the while taking him higher still. His body is damp with sweat and he would give anything to be out of these clothes and pressed up against Tony. He isn’t sure he can endure this much longer. “Please,” he begs again.
He whimpers and lips brush his lightly before moving back. Tony’s eyes met his and they’re what he clings to as the pleasure builds to an unimaginable peak. He cries out as he finally topples over that edge and climax washes over him. He feels kisses being showered over his face but it’s a while before he becomes aware enough to respond. “How about we go clean you up?” Tony asks eventually.
He’s still unsteady on his legs when they move but the buzz hasn’t diminished any. He can feel the satisfaction in every cell and he has never felt so completely comfortable in his own skin as he does right at that moment.
Tony’s cleaned him up with a flannel before he occurs to him that he was the only one who enjoyed himself on the sofa. He reaches out to palm Tony’s cock through his jeans as he hears the flannel hit the sink with a splat. He’s rewarded for his efforts with a moan from Tony and very little resistance when he repeats the motion.
He fumbles with the buttons of the fly far less skilfully than Tony and is thankful when finally they give. He reaches in and rubs Tony’s cock through his underwear. He’s rewarded with another moan and he realises he could quickly come to adore that sound. He’s taken by a sudden urge to see what Tony’s cock looks like, to know what it tastes like, and he pushes the material aside as he drops to his knees. “You don’t have to-”
The words are cut off when he takes Tony’s arousal into his mouth. Unfortunately that seems to be where his skill ends because whilst he’s struggling to keep his lips over his teeth he’s unable to find a suitable rhythm. He feels a hand on his head guiding him and he feels like such a complete failure at this right up to the point when Tony moans. His hands rest on Tony’s hips and he forces himself to relax. He’ll remember how to do this eventually, it’ll just take time. “I’m close.”
The touch of the hand guiding his head is light and he knows if he wants to move now’s the time. “Heinrich,” Tony warns.
He realises he doesn’t want to move and he glances up moments before Tony comes down his throat. He moves back slowly somewhat unwilling to leave things as they are when he could have done so much better. Hands encourage him up and soon he’s standing again. Tony’s still breathing hard when he gathers the other man close. He resists the urge to move away and they stay locked in an embrace until he hears Tony’s breathing become more regular. He feels fingers threading through his hair and takes that as his cue. “I’ll do better next time,” he promises.
“I think it went pretty well this time,” Tony says as he moves back.
He leans forward, intent on finding out just how much truth there is in that statement when Tony speaks again. “You do know we’re going to have to watch the movie again from the start now?”
It takes a moment before he realises that Tony’s talking about what they were doing before they’d gotten distracted and he smiles. “I think I’ll manage.”
It’s then he gets the kiss that he craves and Tony definitely doesn’t skimp on the praise, or the thanks. When he finally moves back he has no doubts that they’ll be doing this again, probably very soon. “Think we should have popcorn?”
They slip into an easy routine which surprises him more than anything else. Shared meals and nights in watching the TV that ended with them wrapped around each other in bed with increasing frequency. After a while they spent the night together more often than not which made the nights they weren’t together harder.
Tony had been away a few weeks when that realisation finally sank in. He was folding his clothes and packing them away in his suitcase when he realised that it was going to be at least another two weeks before they would be able to snatch a few days together. If they were lucky it would be more than a few days together but he wasn’t expecting that to be the outcome.
The phone begins to ring and he looks towards the clock by the bed. That will probably be Tony and he’s not sure he’s ready to deal with that just now. He heads in the direction of his bike hoping that it will give him some clarity on the situation. Failing that he wouldn’t might just a little peace and quiet.
In the end he spends most of his time dodging traffic which makes him more stressed instead of less. He calls Sébastien when he gets back because he needs some perspective on the situation. “You knew this was how things were going to be when you got together.”
He sighs and wishes this was something difficult. “I don’t think I really thought through what it would be like.”
It might be true but it wasn’t going to help solve his current situation. “I miss him when he’s not here,” he admits.
That was the crux of the matter and there was no getting away from it. The other side of the bed was cold and he wasn’t sleeping as well as he did when Tony was with him. It was quite a step from where he’d been before. The problem with that is that he isn’t sure if he’s alone in feeling this way or not. “Have you told him that?”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
“There’s nothing wrong with how you feel. You’re just learning as you go.”
“I’m not going to see him for so long.”
“This is still new to you, don’t make any hasty decisions you might regret later.”
He’s still thinking about it later when the phone rings again but this time he doesn’t dodge the call. All the time he’s gone it feels like he’s missing something and even though he’s no longer sleeping in his own bed it doesn’t completely diminish the ache in his chest.
He arrived home and promptly dropped his suitcase on the floor. He could unpack tomorrow, all he wanted now was food and to collapse into bed. He turns to close the door and bumps into Tony. He blinks in surprise before he realises what’s happening and he wraps his arms around the man before him. “Tell me you’re staying.”
“Can’t neglect your education after all the work I’ve put in.”
Tony sought out his mouth and the kiss was surprisingly tender given the time they’ve been apart. “You could move in and then we wouldn’t have to schedule cooking lessons.”
Once he’s said the words he realises how much he means them. Sure, Tony could stop using teaching him to cook properly as a reason to keep coming over but at the end of the day he’ll have what he really wants, Tony sleeping besides him every night. “You’ve been dodging my calls.”
That wasn’t quite the response he was looking for. “You’ve been away a while.”
“I’m not the only one who travels for work!” Tony snapped and stepped back.
The silence that fell seemed to be the sort that wouldn’t easily be broken. This wasn’t exactly how he would’ve ever seen this conversation going. Or maybe that should be not going. Hadn’t he learnt to keep his mouth shut yet?
Moments ago there’d been barely millimetres between them but now it might as well be miles. He was far too tired and didn’t want to fight. He sighed and reached for his suitcase. Maybe he would unpack after all....
The hand on his arm stopped him briefly but there were no words forthcoming so he moved towards his bedroom. He heard the front door close and he had no idea which side of the door Tony was on. He wasn’t even sure if he cared right now. He dropped the case on the bed and flicked the clasps. This was the last thing he really wanted to do. It doesn’t take long to sort out because pretty much everything gets dumped in the washing basket. He puts the case back on top of the wardrobe and heads towards the kitchen.
He catches sight of Tony sitting on the sofa but he’s not sure what he wants to say so he just keeps heading to the kitchen. Maybe making coffee will make things all right again. It’s a brilliant idea right up until the moment he opens the fridge door and sees there’s food in there. Damn it! He shuts the fridge door and comes face to face with Tony again. “Figured you’d have no food in so I thought I’d solve that problem.”
It should make things better, after all it hardly screams incredibly mad at him, but Heinrich can’t really see past that initial response. “I’ve missed you.”
He stares back like he doesn’t really care about those quietly spoken words when what he really wants is to wrap his arms around Tony again and lean close. Instead he can feel his emotions getting locked up like he’s Fort Knox and they’re gold; an impregnable fortress that comes with complex security. “Do you want coffee?”
He moved away when Tony reached for him and goes through the motions of filling the kettle. Maybe he could go to the shop instead, find a bottle of something and... “Heinrich.”
Tony’s anguished plea should reach him but he’s barely hanging on as it is. “Maybe it would be best if you go home.”
“I’m sorry.”
He forces himself to look at Tony even though it’s the last thing he wants to do. “How much do I owe you for the shopping?”
He reaches into his pocket for his wallet incredibly thankful that he didn’t empty out his pockets when he walked through the door. When there’s no answer forthcoming he takes out some notes and hands them to Tony as he walked past.
Sébastien finds him in a crumpled heap at the bottom of his bed some time later. They don’t exchange words which is good because he’s not sure he has any. They just sit there and he knows Sébastien will wait until he’s ready. The problem is he’s not sure if he’ll ever be ready for this conversation.
Somewhat unsurprisingly it’s when Sébastien returns with coffee that he feels somewhat more able to talk. “I think I just broke up with Tony.”
“I know, Tony called me.”
It hadn’t even occurred to him to question why his friend was here, it had always just been that he was there. Heinrich wrapped his hand around his mug of coffee and wished it was something far stronger. “Séb,” he pleaded.
“It’ll be okay.”
“He didn’t want me,” he whispered.
“You sure it wasn’t just a fight?”
Heinrich steals himself against the flood of emotions that prompts. He’s not ready to think about it just yet. Nevertheless he tells Sébastien what happened, a very abbreviated version that is probably not much more than what Tony said. It takes some more prompting before any more words come and then they just pour out. “You think you overreacted a bit?”
He glared at his friend. “He didn’t respond to what it was I had to stay he just started complaining.”
“Maybe you should have asked him what he thought about the two of you moving in together rather than just asking outright.”
“So I need to check with him first?”
“I think it’s possible you skipped over some important points like telling him how you feel and where you see this going.”
He’s not sure there were important parts he skipped over. He liked Tony, he’d started sleeping better only when there was a warm body besides him in bed and there was an easy way to solve that problem. “Why would we have to have that conversation?”
“Then you know how he feels about you and where he sees this relationship going. He might not know what it is he wants.”
“I made life easier for myself then,” he snapped.
If there was one thing he didn’t want to think about it was the possibility of their relationship ending because Tony didn’t want what he wanted. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew there was a higher chance of this not working out given his drinking but he didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to fall into this relationship and see where it went. Maybe that was the problem though, it was so like what he did with the bottle that this was never going to work. Heck he wasn’t even sure he had a clue what a real relationship was meant to look like so he was working blind here. “Even if he moves in you’re both still going to be travelling for work, you won’t be able to avoid thinking about that.”
It’d be better for them both if they just let this thing fizzle out because then they won’t have to worry about things getting really ugly. They have to be able to tolerate each other and that’s all there is to it. It’d do too much damage to their careers otherwise. Or maybe that should be his career since Tony was looking to topple Fabian from the top of the time trial tree. “You don’t have to figure it all out tonight, you can take some time to work it out.”
“I’m not sure I can be involved with a pro cyclist.”
Sébastien kisses the side of his head and he shifts so he can rest his head on a welcoming shoulder. “Didn’t you just ask one to move in with you?”
“I hate the time we spend apart.”
“I know.”
He hated the uncertain feeling he was left with all the time, the ache in his chest that he couldn’t get to go away. He wasn’t sure he could live with that feeling constantly. He wasn’t strong enough to tolerate all that uncertainty.
He didn’t feel any better when he woke the following morning. There was an ache in his chest but he could tune that out because he knew that would eventually fade. He opened the door intent on going to get the paper only to come face to face with Tony. “Hey.”
He nodded before his gaze ran over the man before him. It looked like Tony had hardly slept last night and all he wanted to do was bring the other man close. That kind of thinking was going to get him into trouble and he had to snap out of it. “Can we talk?”
“While we walk,” he said.
It would give him something to do and some set parameters to work with. “I’d rather not-”
“Take it or leave it.”
“I’m sorry.”
The words caught him unawares and shattered his resolve. He leant forward and tortured himself by allowing their lips to meet briefly. “So sorry,” Tony murmured before closing the gap between them.
Heinrich’s hand grasped at Tony’s t-shirt and tugged. The door closing behind them didn’t bring him to his senses, he just deepened the kiss and heard Tony moan and slide an arm up his chest to wrap around his neck whilst the other came to rest on his arm. “Heinrich,” Tony murmured against his lips.
The kiss that followed was brief and intense leaving him in no doubt exactly how this was going to play out. Their lips parted and he was breathing hard. He wanted to so much, to just fall. It was a wrench to pull away and the temptation was too strong. He leant forward again and allowed that feeling to have free reign. It would be easy, so very easy to just ignore what happened and let things go back to how they were before. Only problem with that was Heinrich wasn’t sure he would be able to look himself in the mirror again if he did that. “This was a mistake.”
“You said we could talk,” Tony pleaded.
“It’s going really well so far.”
He had a horrible feeling that this was one of those moments when he had to decide which side of the line he was going to be on. Sure Tony might not be a bottle of Scotch but this could be just as deadly to his sobriety. He took a deep breath and hoped that he could survive this temptation. “I handled yesterday badly. I was tired and cranky and I’d really missed you.”
“You were just being honest.”
“No, I wasn’t. Well, I mean I was but not about what I thought about your question.”
“It really doesn’t matter.”
“It does!” Tony protests. “This has happened so fast and I don’t want to rush into anything.”
“Your definition of fast probably could do with some work.”
“I’m not sure what I think of what’s happening between us and-”
“I can’t do this.”
“So now I can’t even talk?!”
“I made an impulsive decision but thankfully one of us had some sense. I can’t deal with all the uncertainty and all the time apart so I think it’s best if we just leave it there.”
“Is that why you started avoiding my calls?”
“I don’t know how to handle it.”
“It’s okay, Heinrich, we can-”
“Thank you for having some sense.”
“We had a fight, we don’t need to actually break up!”
“I’m not ready for something like this.”
“But-”
“This is what I have to do.”
Whatever Tony had been planning on saying never materialised and instead the other man nodded. The door closed behind him with a quiet click.
Tony is something he doesn’t expect. They’ve become friends since he stopped drinking, gotten close in the way he wouldn’t have been able to before. Sometimes he’s still not quite sure how it happened and if it really is real.
One afternoon they’re arguing over just whose turn it is to pick the next movie and then all of a sudden Tony’s mouth is pressed against his. The kiss doesn’t last long but that makes no impact on the jumble of emotions that Heinrich’s currently experiencing. He lets Tony pick what they watch next while he attempts to make sense of the mess he’s now feeling.
He wants to call Sébastien the minute Tony leaves but he forces himself to wait because he wants to know if he really needs help or if this is merely an old habit. He finally caves after five minutes, this is something he doesn’t understand and the more help he has the better! He expects when he explains his dilemma to be greeted by laughter but instead he’s met with understanding. “What do you want to happen?” Sébastien finally asks.
What he wants is for Tony never to have kissed him so things could just continue the way they had before. That way he wouldn’t be experiencing the urge to run very far away very fast. “I’m not good at that sort of thing.”
“But you do like him?”
He thought that was mostly irrelevant information since either way it was going to go badly for him. He can’t even remember the last time he did this sober and even if he did it probably wouldn’t be pretty. Plus he has a bit of a reputation now and that comes with things like expectations he’s unlikely to be able to live up to now. “It’s not going to happen so I’m not going to think about it.”
“Heinrich-”
“Tony is Tony and I’m... well I’m me and he... There’s no way I can hope to be an equal to him and there are things I never want him to know about me.”
With the truth laid out like that it was impossible to ignore but he knew it would get easier to deal with. There were certain things in life that would never be his and Tony was one of them. Everything came with a price and he could live with that. “I’m not sure your lifestyle was the complete secret you’d like to think it was.”
There isn’t a lot he can say to that.
He gets busy for a while so mostly his life revolves around calling Sébastien and texting Tony occasionally. When he gets back Tony’s waiting for him with a new movie and a happy smile. He’s not sure he’s really in the mood for company but he doesn’t say no and that’s how they end up on the sofa in front of the TV.
The second time Tony kisses him is no less unexpected than the first. He’s pressed against the back of the sofa and there’s a warm body over his. Heinrich’s not sure what he wants and this time when the kiss ends there’s not a lot of space put between them. This time he’s going to have to have a response. The problem is he isn’t sure what that’s going to be.
He feels confused and that isn’t going to help the situation. Eyes run over him and he swallows hard as it finally dawns on him that this could go very wrong. He wants to call Sébastien to find out what he should do but he’s afraid the reaction from both men isn’t going to be good. “Heinrich?”
“I-” he starts but he’s not really sure what it is he wants to say.
Their mouths meet again and it’s this horrible, uncomfortable mess so he tries to force it back to something that he’s more familiar with. Tony ends the kiss abruptly when his hands skim downwards and he’s forced to just sit there with the kiss. He’s forced to think about those soft lips, the gentle warmth that comes with them and the tingly feeling they leave.
Heinrich being Heinrich seeks sanctuary in the kitchen and he wonders if anyone would notice if he snuck out to stock up his drinks cabinet. He doesn’t like the ache in his chest or the feeling that’s telling him that kissing Tony isn’t going to be enough. He’s been down this road before and it seems like nothing’s changed.
It’s not long before Tony follows him and hands are touching him with more care than he ever deserves. “It’ll be all right.”
He shakes his head at the words even as he’s leaning closer. He’s not even sure what he’s doing and he’s pretty sure that there’s a good chance he might actually be sick. This is totally the wrong way to behave in this sort of situation! The contact is brief but the feelings linger long after the touch is gone.
It’s three agonising weeks before Tony kisses him again. Three weeks Heinrich spends wondering if he’s done the wrong thing, if he’s misread the signals, if sober he really is bad at this. Then Tony kisses him goodnight as he’s leaving and Heinrich isn’t sure if that’s better. His lips part of seemingly of their own accord and butterflies take up residence in his stomach. He has no clue what to do with his hands, which is probably just as well because he’s pretty sure he has sweaty palms.
None of this seems to make any difference when Tony goes to end the kiss because instead of allowing it he’s following those lips and his hand comes up to cup the back of Tony’s head. The next kiss is slow which is enough to have him metaphorically standing there flailing his arms around. He puts up some resistance unwilling to let it touch him that deeply. If he can just protect that part of himself then he’ll be safe.
Tony’s breathing is a little uneven when their lips part and he’s not fairing much better. Unsteady fingers run over his jawline and he’s pretty sure that Tony is rethinking his plan to leave. Lips brush against his lightly. “Movie on Thursday?”
“Sure,” he’s saying before he can actually put some thought into it.
This time it’s Tony who gets busy and he’s the one who’s left behind. They text more frequently and Tony calls twice even though he’s not actually away that long. Heinrich’s called Sébastien for advice but it’s not been as solid as he wanted. “Just see where it goes,” Sébastien suggests when he asks what he should do about the situation.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had sex sober before.”
“Maybe you should tell Tony that.”
That is one conversation he plans never on having with Tony. Ever. He’ll just let things carry on the way they are because it’s unlikely that it’s going to be a problem. He’s old enough and experienced enough to know it’s not a big deal.
Tony’s lying on top of him on the sofa when the unthinkable happens. They’re kissing, Tony’s tongue is exploring his mouth and he’s still trying to keep things from getting too intimate. He’s okay with the occasional flash of pleasure and the warm, pleasant feeling that is constant, it’s just anything else that’s the problem. Then Tony grinds against him and he suddenly becomes aware of the fact that Tony’s hard.
He pushes trying to get some space between them and Tony’s looking at him with a confused expression on his face. Heinrich tries to tune out the hurt look he catches sight of even if it’s only there for a moment. His hands are trembling so he wraps them around himself where it’s less noticeable. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for things to get so far.”
“It’s fine,” he brushes it aside. “Do you want coffee?”
He’s in the kitchen before he gets an answer and the familiar routine of filling the kettle and turning it on is soothing to his frazzled nerves. He notices in a rather offhand manner that Tony wasn’t the only one who was enjoying what was happening between them but he ignores that problem and grabs mugs from the cupboard. Coffee. He’s making coffee.
He turns when he hears movement and sees Tony standing looking uncertain in the doorway to the kitchen. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Of course not!”
He reaches for the jar of coffee and hands come to rest on top of his forcing him to put it back down again. He can’t look at Tony and so he pulls his hands away and reaches for the jar again. “I thought you... liked where things were going.”
He takes the lid off the jar and then searches for a spoon. Why can he never find one when he’s making coffee? A spoon suddenly appears in front of him and he stares at if for a while before he takes it avoiding any contact with Tony as he does so. He puts granules into the cups and he hears the fridge door open.
Milk suddenly appears on the counter top and he stares at it for a moment. There’s a hand on his arm and he drags in an unsteady breath. The next thing he knows he’s reaching for Tony and joining their mouths together in a somewhat desperate kiss. Arms wrap around him bringing him closer and his lips part when Tony demands entrance to his mouth.
His hands are resting on Tony’s hips unsure of what to do even after all this time. His grip tightens at the pleasure that zips through him as Tony presses closer. He hears the moan as the movement is repeated and he ends the kiss abruptly. “Heinrich?”
He can hear the desire in Tony’s voice, the need both for more contact and answers that possibly won’t be forthcoming. “I don’t know that I’ve ever done this sober,” he blurts out unable to stop himself.
Tony drags in a few calming breaths. “This?”
“This,” Heinrich repeats.
“I don’t understand.”
“This, us, sex... I’m not sure I’ve ever done this sober and I have a bit of a reputation and so it’s bound to be disappointment and-” his words are cut off when Tony’s mouth presses against his.
“I’m not disappointed,” Tony reassures.
“You say that now but later it probably will be.”
Lips brush against his and he feels like Tony is taking such good care of him. It’s completely unexpected and he files that information away for consideration later when he’s alone. “It’s okay. If you’re not ready then you’re not ready.”
He feels like this great weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he leans forward just so he can feel Tony’s mouth against his. Hands grasp at him and that’s the first moment he thinks that maybe this won’t be a complete and utter disaster. He makes them both coffee and Tony keeps on reaching out to touch him as he does so. For the first time he allows himself to actually enjoy the contact.
They’re both busy for a while so it’s not really an issue between them. They talk and text more than they had before. Sébastien thinks this is a good thing and he’s tempted to agree. Tony knows about Sebastien now, how they became so close and everything seems to be going well. He’s even shared a few of the things that he’d done whilst he was drinking. Not a lot and he’s not sure he ever wants Tony to know how bad he got but there’s not this desperate urge to keep things to himself. Sure he’s not exactly volunteering information but that’s okay with him.
They do have one excruciatingly embarrassing conversation over the phone when Tony asks exactly how far he’s ready for things to go. He’s not entirely sure and so he blurts that out and then quickly changes the subject.
They’re having a bit of a movie marathon when the issue comes up again. They’ve eaten lunch so there are plates on the coffee table and Tony’s just put his favourite film into the dvd player. Heinrich’s really missed this, missed Tony and so that’s where his attention stays even while Tony is fiddling around with the remote until the title sequence comes up and it’s put down.
Tony sips at his coffee experimentally and then pulls a face. Heinrich smiles and thinks he’s not really surprised it’s cold now. He has told Tony he can bring alcohol with him but so far that’s never materialised. “If you want more now’s the time to go get it.”
“I’ll survive until the end and if I get really thirsty I’m sure I saw a carton of squash or something last time I was here.”
“Drank that already.”
Tony laughs at that and it makes him smile. He licks his lips and wonders what it would feel like if he kissed Tony now. “You’re not a very good host, I hope you know that!”
He claims the kiss he’s been thinking about and the teasing is momentarily forgotten. A hand comes up to touch his face and that’s when Tony deepens the kiss. His hand slides underneath Tony’s t-shirt and he touches bare skin for the first time in a really long time. His hand doesn’t move, just rests there while he works out what, if anything, he wants to do with it.
The movie gets forgotten and somehow he ends up on his back with Tony above him, legs either side of his waist. It’s cramped and he’s pretty sure Tony’s half falling off the sofa but as he grasps hold of the man in his arms he decides he’s not sure he’s all that bothered about it. No, that’s not quite true, he is bothered about it if Tony’s uncomfortable but if there aren’t any complaints forthcoming then he’s going to try not to worry about it too much.
Tony’s mouth is on his and that’s all he cares about. He’s pretty sure Tony’s chin is a bit damp and he can’t bring himself to care about that fact right now though it’s a fairly good bet that he’ll get worked up about it later. Right now he just doesn’t want Tony’s mouth to be away from his and if he gets that wish then everything else can take a backseat.
Tony’s mouth moves away from his but before he can complain he feels open-mouthed kisses being placed down his neck. He squirms on the sofa and his hips buck upwards when Tony sucks at the juncture between neck and shoulder. Hips move with his providing exactly what he hadn’t known was missing.
His breathing is unsteady as he seeks out Tony’s mouth again. He’s missed this so much he just wants to keep doing just this. Tony grinds against him and the kiss becomes more frantic. His hands move to grasp at Tony’s ass and encourage the movement. He hears Tony gasp and he really wouldn’t object to hearing that sound again.
His tongue traces the shell of Tony’s ear and he feels the man in his arm thrust his hips forward. He repeats the motion and gets exactly the same response. Before he can discover if the same thing happens with the other ear his mouth is claimed in a heated kiss and he completely forgets about what he was planning. Tony pulls back and he feels himself relaxing under the appraising gaze that runs over him. When their eyes meet again he can see the question he knows Tony desperately wants to ask. He isn’t sure of the answer however so he reaches up seeking another kiss.
Heinrich feels a hand slip inside his underwear and he wonders how exactly Tony managed to undo his fly without him noticing. He experiences a moment of hesitation where he feels slightly ill at ease because he didn’t really think about where this is going but it’s gone almost as soon as it arrives. Just because he didn’t notice it happening doesn’t mean it’s necessarily going to be a bad thing and if he wants to stop this he can do. He doesn’t have to worry so much with Tony, he can let there be a bit of flexibility in what they’re doing.
A hand closes around his cock and it’s so much, almost too much. He’s surprised that isn’t the end of it right there and then. He closes his eyes and attempts to regain some control over the situation. He doesn’t understand why this feels so good. It’s nothing he hasn’t done before and it’s relatively tame in comparison to some of the things he’s done. “Look at me.”
The plea causes him to open his eyes again and he automatically seeks to meet the gaze of the man responsible for the request. Their eyes lock together and he begins to feel rather vulnerable. There have been so many people that just that simple act with Tony watching him closely shouldn’t feel as good as this. It shouldn’t be like he’s never been touched before. It shouldn’t be possible and yet it’s undeniably happening.
Tony’s mouth seeks out his and the satisfaction he feels, already at a natural high, starts to rise. The hand around his cock moves and the heat that had been more of an unassuming warmth before begins to make its presence felt. He feels himself turning into a molten mass and the moan he’s desperate to keep in somehow escapes when Tony’s mouth releases his.
Heinrich doesn’t have the words to describe how he feels right now. It’s just so much he’s not sure he can keep it in check and yet he doesn’t want it to ever end. He wants to allow Tony to show him how it should be and he wants to feel every incredible second of it even if in the end their relationship crashes and burns.
The pleasure starts to build up inside of him and he grasps at Tony desperate for something to ground him. His breathing becomes more ragged and he moans as it becomes almost unbearably good. “Please,” he hears himself beg.
Tony keeps him balanced on the edge pulling him back before he can topple over it all the while taking him higher still. His body is damp with sweat and he would give anything to be out of these clothes and pressed up against Tony. He isn’t sure he can endure this much longer. “Please,” he begs again.
He whimpers and lips brush his lightly before moving back. Tony’s eyes met his and they’re what he clings to as the pleasure builds to an unimaginable peak. He cries out as he finally topples over that edge and climax washes over him. He feels kisses being showered over his face but it’s a while before he becomes aware enough to respond. “How about we go clean you up?” Tony asks eventually.
He’s still unsteady on his legs when they move but the buzz hasn’t diminished any. He can feel the satisfaction in every cell and he has never felt so completely comfortable in his own skin as he does right at that moment.
Tony’s cleaned him up with a flannel before he occurs to him that he was the only one who enjoyed himself on the sofa. He reaches out to palm Tony’s cock through his jeans as he hears the flannel hit the sink with a splat. He’s rewarded for his efforts with a moan from Tony and very little resistance when he repeats the motion.
He fumbles with the buttons of the fly far less skilfully than Tony and is thankful when finally they give. He reaches in and rubs Tony’s cock through his underwear. He’s rewarded with another moan and he realises he could quickly come to adore that sound. He’s taken by a sudden urge to see what Tony’s cock looks like, to know what it tastes like, and he pushes the material aside as he drops to his knees. “You don’t have to-”
The words are cut off when he takes Tony’s arousal into his mouth. Unfortunately that seems to be where his skill ends because whilst he’s struggling to keep his lips over his teeth he’s unable to find a suitable rhythm. He feels a hand on his head guiding him and he feels like such a complete failure at this right up to the point when Tony moans. His hands rest on Tony’s hips and he forces himself to relax. He’ll remember how to do this eventually, it’ll just take time. “I’m close.”
The touch of the hand guiding his head is light and he knows if he wants to move now’s the time. “Heinrich,” Tony warns.
He realises he doesn’t want to move and he glances up moments before Tony comes down his throat. He moves back slowly somewhat unwilling to leave things as they are when he could have done so much better. Hands encourage him up and soon he’s standing again. Tony’s still breathing hard when he gathers the other man close. He resists the urge to move away and they stay locked in an embrace until he hears Tony’s breathing become more regular. He feels fingers threading through his hair and takes that as his cue. “I’ll do better next time,” he promises.
“I think it went pretty well this time,” Tony says as he moves back.
He leans forward, intent on finding out just how much truth there is in that statement when Tony speaks again. “You do know we’re going to have to watch the movie again from the start now?”
It takes a moment before he realises that Tony’s talking about what they were doing before they’d gotten distracted and he smiles. “I think I’ll manage.”
It’s then he gets the kiss that he craves and Tony definitely doesn’t skimp on the praise, or the thanks. When he finally moves back he has no doubts that they’ll be doing this again, probably very soon. “Think we should have popcorn?”
They slip into an easy routine which surprises him more than anything else. Shared meals and nights in watching the TV that ended with them wrapped around each other in bed with increasing frequency. After a while they spent the night together more often than not which made the nights they weren’t together harder.
Tony had been away a few weeks when that realisation finally sank in. He was folding his clothes and packing them away in his suitcase when he realised that it was going to be at least another two weeks before they would be able to snatch a few days together. If they were lucky it would be more than a few days together but he wasn’t expecting that to be the outcome.
The phone begins to ring and he looks towards the clock by the bed. That will probably be Tony and he’s not sure he’s ready to deal with that just now. He heads in the direction of his bike hoping that it will give him some clarity on the situation. Failing that he wouldn’t might just a little peace and quiet.
In the end he spends most of his time dodging traffic which makes him more stressed instead of less. He calls Sébastien when he gets back because he needs some perspective on the situation. “You knew this was how things were going to be when you got together.”
He sighs and wishes this was something difficult. “I don’t think I really thought through what it would be like.”
It might be true but it wasn’t going to help solve his current situation. “I miss him when he’s not here,” he admits.
That was the crux of the matter and there was no getting away from it. The other side of the bed was cold and he wasn’t sleeping as well as he did when Tony was with him. It was quite a step from where he’d been before. The problem with that is that he isn’t sure if he’s alone in feeling this way or not. “Have you told him that?”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
“There’s nothing wrong with how you feel. You’re just learning as you go.”
“I’m not going to see him for so long.”
“This is still new to you, don’t make any hasty decisions you might regret later.”
He’s still thinking about it later when the phone rings again but this time he doesn’t dodge the call. All the time he’s gone it feels like he’s missing something and even though he’s no longer sleeping in his own bed it doesn’t completely diminish the ache in his chest.
He arrived home and promptly dropped his suitcase on the floor. He could unpack tomorrow, all he wanted now was food and to collapse into bed. He turns to close the door and bumps into Tony. He blinks in surprise before he realises what’s happening and he wraps his arms around the man before him. “Tell me you’re staying.”
“Can’t neglect your education after all the work I’ve put in.”
Tony sought out his mouth and the kiss was surprisingly tender given the time they’ve been apart. “You could move in and then we wouldn’t have to schedule cooking lessons.”
Once he’s said the words he realises how much he means them. Sure, Tony could stop using teaching him to cook properly as a reason to keep coming over but at the end of the day he’ll have what he really wants, Tony sleeping besides him every night. “You’ve been dodging my calls.”
That wasn’t quite the response he was looking for. “You’ve been away a while.”
“I’m not the only one who travels for work!” Tony snapped and stepped back.
The silence that fell seemed to be the sort that wouldn’t easily be broken. This wasn’t exactly how he would’ve ever seen this conversation going. Or maybe that should be not going. Hadn’t he learnt to keep his mouth shut yet?
Moments ago there’d been barely millimetres between them but now it might as well be miles. He was far too tired and didn’t want to fight. He sighed and reached for his suitcase. Maybe he would unpack after all....
The hand on his arm stopped him briefly but there were no words forthcoming so he moved towards his bedroom. He heard the front door close and he had no idea which side of the door Tony was on. He wasn’t even sure if he cared right now. He dropped the case on the bed and flicked the clasps. This was the last thing he really wanted to do. It doesn’t take long to sort out because pretty much everything gets dumped in the washing basket. He puts the case back on top of the wardrobe and heads towards the kitchen.
He catches sight of Tony sitting on the sofa but he’s not sure what he wants to say so he just keeps heading to the kitchen. Maybe making coffee will make things all right again. It’s a brilliant idea right up until the moment he opens the fridge door and sees there’s food in there. Damn it! He shuts the fridge door and comes face to face with Tony again. “Figured you’d have no food in so I thought I’d solve that problem.”
It should make things better, after all it hardly screams incredibly mad at him, but Heinrich can’t really see past that initial response. “I’ve missed you.”
He stares back like he doesn’t really care about those quietly spoken words when what he really wants is to wrap his arms around Tony again and lean close. Instead he can feel his emotions getting locked up like he’s Fort Knox and they’re gold; an impregnable fortress that comes with complex security. “Do you want coffee?”
He moved away when Tony reached for him and goes through the motions of filling the kettle. Maybe he could go to the shop instead, find a bottle of something and... “Heinrich.”
Tony’s anguished plea should reach him but he’s barely hanging on as it is. “Maybe it would be best if you go home.”
“I’m sorry.”
He forces himself to look at Tony even though it’s the last thing he wants to do. “How much do I owe you for the shopping?”
He reaches into his pocket for his wallet incredibly thankful that he didn’t empty out his pockets when he walked through the door. When there’s no answer forthcoming he takes out some notes and hands them to Tony as he walked past.
Sébastien finds him in a crumpled heap at the bottom of his bed some time later. They don’t exchange words which is good because he’s not sure he has any. They just sit there and he knows Sébastien will wait until he’s ready. The problem is he’s not sure if he’ll ever be ready for this conversation.
Somewhat unsurprisingly it’s when Sébastien returns with coffee that he feels somewhat more able to talk. “I think I just broke up with Tony.”
“I know, Tony called me.”
It hadn’t even occurred to him to question why his friend was here, it had always just been that he was there. Heinrich wrapped his hand around his mug of coffee and wished it was something far stronger. “Séb,” he pleaded.
“It’ll be okay.”
“He didn’t want me,” he whispered.
“You sure it wasn’t just a fight?”
Heinrich steals himself against the flood of emotions that prompts. He’s not ready to think about it just yet. Nevertheless he tells Sébastien what happened, a very abbreviated version that is probably not much more than what Tony said. It takes some more prompting before any more words come and then they just pour out. “You think you overreacted a bit?”
He glared at his friend. “He didn’t respond to what it was I had to stay he just started complaining.”
“Maybe you should have asked him what he thought about the two of you moving in together rather than just asking outright.”
“So I need to check with him first?”
“I think it’s possible you skipped over some important points like telling him how you feel and where you see this going.”
He’s not sure there were important parts he skipped over. He liked Tony, he’d started sleeping better only when there was a warm body besides him in bed and there was an easy way to solve that problem. “Why would we have to have that conversation?”
“Then you know how he feels about you and where he sees this relationship going. He might not know what it is he wants.”
“I made life easier for myself then,” he snapped.
If there was one thing he didn’t want to think about it was the possibility of their relationship ending because Tony didn’t want what he wanted. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew there was a higher chance of this not working out given his drinking but he didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to fall into this relationship and see where it went. Maybe that was the problem though, it was so like what he did with the bottle that this was never going to work. Heck he wasn’t even sure he had a clue what a real relationship was meant to look like so he was working blind here. “Even if he moves in you’re both still going to be travelling for work, you won’t be able to avoid thinking about that.”
It’d be better for them both if they just let this thing fizzle out because then they won’t have to worry about things getting really ugly. They have to be able to tolerate each other and that’s all there is to it. It’d do too much damage to their careers otherwise. Or maybe that should be his career since Tony was looking to topple Fabian from the top of the time trial tree. “You don’t have to figure it all out tonight, you can take some time to work it out.”
“I’m not sure I can be involved with a pro cyclist.”
Sébastien kisses the side of his head and he shifts so he can rest his head on a welcoming shoulder. “Didn’t you just ask one to move in with you?”
“I hate the time we spend apart.”
“I know.”
He hated the uncertain feeling he was left with all the time, the ache in his chest that he couldn’t get to go away. He wasn’t sure he could live with that feeling constantly. He wasn’t strong enough to tolerate all that uncertainty.
He didn’t feel any better when he woke the following morning. There was an ache in his chest but he could tune that out because he knew that would eventually fade. He opened the door intent on going to get the paper only to come face to face with Tony. “Hey.”
He nodded before his gaze ran over the man before him. It looked like Tony had hardly slept last night and all he wanted to do was bring the other man close. That kind of thinking was going to get him into trouble and he had to snap out of it. “Can we talk?”
“While we walk,” he said.
It would give him something to do and some set parameters to work with. “I’d rather not-”
“Take it or leave it.”
“I’m sorry.”
The words caught him unawares and shattered his resolve. He leant forward and tortured himself by allowing their lips to meet briefly. “So sorry,” Tony murmured before closing the gap between them.
Heinrich’s hand grasped at Tony’s t-shirt and tugged. The door closing behind them didn’t bring him to his senses, he just deepened the kiss and heard Tony moan and slide an arm up his chest to wrap around his neck whilst the other came to rest on his arm. “Heinrich,” Tony murmured against his lips.
The kiss that followed was brief and intense leaving him in no doubt exactly how this was going to play out. Their lips parted and he was breathing hard. He wanted to so much, to just fall. It was a wrench to pull away and the temptation was too strong. He leant forward again and allowed that feeling to have free reign. It would be easy, so very easy to just ignore what happened and let things go back to how they were before. Only problem with that was Heinrich wasn’t sure he would be able to look himself in the mirror again if he did that. “This was a mistake.”
“You said we could talk,” Tony pleaded.
“It’s going really well so far.”
He had a horrible feeling that this was one of those moments when he had to decide which side of the line he was going to be on. Sure Tony might not be a bottle of Scotch but this could be just as deadly to his sobriety. He took a deep breath and hoped that he could survive this temptation. “I handled yesterday badly. I was tired and cranky and I’d really missed you.”
“You were just being honest.”
“No, I wasn’t. Well, I mean I was but not about what I thought about your question.”
“It really doesn’t matter.”
“It does!” Tony protests. “This has happened so fast and I don’t want to rush into anything.”
“Your definition of fast probably could do with some work.”
“I’m not sure what I think of what’s happening between us and-”
“I can’t do this.”
“So now I can’t even talk?!”
“I made an impulsive decision but thankfully one of us had some sense. I can’t deal with all the uncertainty and all the time apart so I think it’s best if we just leave it there.”
“Is that why you started avoiding my calls?”
“I don’t know how to handle it.”
“It’s okay, Heinrich, we can-”
“Thank you for having some sense.”
“We had a fight, we don’t need to actually break up!”
“I’m not ready for something like this.”
“But-”
“This is what I have to do.”
Whatever Tony had been planning on saying never materialised and instead the other man nodded. The door closed behind him with a quiet click.