My Name Is Heinrich 2
Disclaimer: This is a total figment of my imagination and anything resembling reality is a mistake.
A year passes while Heinrich’s not looking and things seem to be going all right. He hasn’t given dating another go yet but he’s sure that’ll come eventually. Other things seem to be working out for him which is what matters most. He’s racing under an Australian licence now and it feels right. He’d had some serious doubts with all the paperwork and things he’d had to do in order to make it happen but now he’s glad he persevered.
He can’t explain it, nothing really changed but it feels like everything changed. Now he feels more like himself and that’s all he’s ever wanted. Sébastien teased him about it for a week which he took as a sign of approval.
He’s got some new friends now, ones that don’t require a bottle of something to get out of bed. It’s rather daunting but he’s slowly adjusting. It’s nice to know that he can handle this sort of thing better now. When he hit rock bottom he never thought that this would be possible. Yet here he is with friends who keep him grounded when he starts to wobble.
He’s just moved into a new place and there are boxes everywhere but he’s okay with that. There’s still some things he should probably stop holding onto but he’ll let them go when he’s ready and not before. He’s made his peace with them and for the first time in a long time things are looking up. It feels as though he’s making a transition into a new phase of his life and unlike the other times he’s tried he’s more confident that this one is going to be a success.
There are still days when he wishes he was done already but things are going in the right direction. His relationship with his family has started to heal too which is more than he’d ever thought would happen. He’d thought that was beyond repairing. He opens the door and finds Christian standing on the doorstep wearing ratty jeans and a well-worn t-shirt. “You know if I didn’t know better I’d think you were here to help me paint the kitchen or something.”
“Fuck off,” Christian said and brushed past him. “Just because it takes you three hours to get ready or whatever it is doesn’t mean you should take it out on those of us who look good without any real effort.”
“You better have brought coffee.”
“As if I’d leave home without it!”
Christian handed him a cup and he breathed in the aroma of his favourite coffee. “I think I just might love you.”
“I know you’re a cheap date.”
He drank from his cup as he moved down the hallway towards the lounge. He flopped down on the sofa with rather more care than he would usually take. “Does this mean you’re angling to ask me something?”
“What’s the deal with Tony?”
He glances across at his friend. “That’s what you came all the way over here to ask me?”
“I came to help you with the unpacking and I noticed the jacket.”
“He forgot it when he left last night.”
“And?”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Heinrich!”
“We’re friends, there’s nothing to tell. He stopped by last night on his way out that’s all.”
“You’re not exactly on the way to anywhere.”
“If you don’t believe me that’s not my problem.”
“Fine, drink your coffee. I’ll get the story out of you when you’re properly caffeinated.”
Heinrich rolled his eyes but said nothing. There wasn’t anything to say, it’d taken a while to get past the awkwardness after they’d broken up but they got over that and now things are good. They talk quite a lot and he doesn’t experience that horrible sick feeling he used to get when he sees Tony’s name flashing on the screen. All in all things have worked out well and he’s grateful for that.
He glances across at his friend and wondered if the questions were related to something that didn’t really concern him directly. “Do you like him?”
Christian gave him a look that clearly said he was missing something but he hadn’t a clue what. He wasn’t really sure he wanted to work out what it was either. He liked how things were going and he didn’t want to upset that. If Tony was seeing someone else then he’ll find out about it when his ex is ready to tell him. “For a smart guy you can be totally oblivious sometimes.”
“I’m really glad you came to see me this morning,” he groused not really wanting to get into whatever conversation they might be having.
“How about you tell me what it is we need to start with?”
“I need to find my plates,” he replies after a brief pause to think. “Tony unpacked all the pans and things but I’m missing the basics.”
“Maybe he was hoping to encourage you to branch out a bit.”
“Hey I manage!”
Christian laughed. “Sure you do, you just keep telling yourself that.”
“If you’re not nice to me I won’t make you your favourite cake as a thank you.”
Christian wisely said nothing.
Another year passes and everything is going well. He met a guy he liked and decided to give dating another try. It turned out they’d wanted different things so it hadn’t worked out but other than that it had gone pretty well. He hadn’t been all anxious about the whole thing like he had been with Tony and that had been nice. Maybe he won’t leave it so long before he tries it again this time.
He’s finding he likes living with someone, likes having someone to come home to in the evening. Sure he still travels a lot but he thinks maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible if there was someone to come home to. He’s not going to be cycling forever so maybe it’s not totally unreasonable. He’s testing out how he feels about that on Tony but he hasn’t told the other man that. He doesn’t want things to get weird between them.
He’s been living with Tony for a couple of months now ever since the neighbours from hell had moved in to Tony’s building. It was only meant to be for a week or two whilst Tony found a new place but with all the travelling they both did it has taken a lot longer to find somewhere suitable. He’s not all that bothered about it, they haven’t seen a lot of each other recently given it’s got to the busy part of the season so there’s no great rush.
The day Heinrich realises he’s in trouble is fairly unremarkable. He’s exhausted from overdoing it the night before and he’s not entirely sure he’s been to sleep yet. Logically he knows this is a total lie and of course he’s gotten some sleep, probably in the region of his usual amount in fact, it just doesn’t feel like it to him right now.
He’s texting Christian trying to find out if they’re still meeting up later or if it’s going to be rearranged because they’re both in the same state. He collapses back onto the bed, head for some reason at the foot of the bed with his phone held above him. He hears the door open and he looks away briefly from his phone to see Tony wondering in. “What you got planned for today?” he asks as he puts his phone down.
“Packing most likely,” Tony says. “I think my kit is clean, I just need to make sure I’ve got enough of everything. I am so ready for the summer to be over.”
“You actually miss riding in the snow?”
“Don’t be a jerk.”
Tony comes to sit on the bed besides him so he shifts over slight to make some more room. “I’m so tired,” he complains.
“This is what happens when you don’t take proper care of yourself and get dehydrated.”
A bottle of water appears beside him and he stares at it for a few moments. He eventually moves so he can drink from it. “Thanks.”
“I got you some more sunscreen while I was out yesterday because I noticed you were out.”
“I’ve just been stealing yours,” he murmurs.
“I noticed.”
“Is this a hint to stop?”
“I’m going to be away for three weeks, it’s not going to be here for you to steal and I don’t want you getting sunburnt.”
He pulls a face because that would not be a pleasant experience. “Thank you.”
“Try not to get yourself into any trouble while I’m gone.”
“Spoilsport!” he mutters.
He drops the empty bottle back onto the bed. “Would you like a refill?”
His phone beeps and he picks it back up again to read the message. “Nah, I need to get up.”
“Visitors?”
He glances over and finally notices the lack of clothes Tony has on. “Christian.”
“You shouldn’t be-”
“He’s coming over and we’re watching dvds,” he interrupts.
Tony seems somewhat placated by the news and that makes him happy. “You going to be joining us?”
“Maybe later, I should get myself organised first.”
Tony’s hand is on his leg and it’s then that he realises he’s missed this, the easy conversation and being comfortable in one another’s presence. It would be easy to just keep doing this and they’d done it so often when they were a couple. Their lives had just seem to mesh together in certain ways that worked but there were many ways they didn’t fit. “I’ll make sure we save something good then.”
Tony smiled and he realised he’d missed that. Obviously he’d been spending far too long thinking about this. “You don’t want to pack for me?” the question was a rather optimistic one.
“You get enough practise at it you should be good at it by now.”
“I still don’t like doing it.”
He sat up, a hand automatically reaching out for the other man. “The rest of our stuff will still be here when you get back.”
Tony nodded and he wasn’t entirely sure what was going on. He knew something was but right now he wasn’t being told whatever it was he was missing. “Give me five minutes and I’ll come supervise.”
“Like you can get ready in five minutes for anything!”
“Hey if you don’t want help...”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then go be a good boy and wait for me in your room,” he says before kissing the side of Tony’s head.
Strangely enough that seems to work and he’s left to get ready by himself. Tony makes no comment when it takes him half an hour to get himself together. It’s the first time he becomes aware of a faint warmth in the pit of his stomach.
As time goes by there are times when he lets his touch linger just a little too long. He’s not the only one who does it and first time it happened he wondered what the hell was going on, but he didn’t find any answers. Now he’s just letting things be as they are without questioning it. He’s comfortable with how things are and that’s all he wants to know right now.
Tony’s family have been coming over more regularly so he makes plans with friends to be elsewhere to give them time alone together. It’s something that works out more often than not and usually he’s gone before they arrive. It isn’t until Tony’s flight’s late, something he’s surprised hasn’t happened before now, and he ends up playing host for an hour or so that he wonders whether he’s been missing out on something. It makes him question the validity of the reasons they broke up but he’s not sure he’s any more prepared to handle the time apart now than he was the last time they were more than just good friends.
Things stay in an odd state of limbo and he’s not sure he wants to do what he probably should. He doesn’t want Tony to leave and he doesn’t want to think about why. Everything will be fine as long as he doesn’t think about it!!
It’s the death of another friend that shatters his tentative hold on the situation. Sébastien and Christian have been trading him between them giving him something to cling to. His sobriety’s hanging by a thread and he’s not sure he’s strong enough to pull himself back from the edge. He’s already gotten behind the wheel so many times intent on finding the best oblivion he knows.
Tony finds him lying on the bathroom floor when he returns home. Heinrich’s so afraid to move in case he does something he knows he’ll regret in the morning. The light when it’s turned on is blinding but thankfully Tony turns it off. He’s so pathetic he just wants to find a hole to fall into and never climb out of. A light gets flicked on somewhere and he can see the light spill into the hallway.
Hands reach for him, soothing in a way he never expected. “Why didn’t you call?”
Tony sounds hurt and he just wants to disappear. “I’m sorry.”
Tears slid down his cheek and into the carpet. He is so bad at this he’s not sure why he ever bothered to think that life could be different. There’s no way he can escape all the bad things he’s done, he just has to live with them. Tony lay down beside him and reached out to take hold of one of his hands. He holds onto it tightly and for a while that’s enough, an anchor that is keeping him from disappearing.
At some point he ends up with his head resting on Tony’s shoulder but he couldn’t say which one of them it was that moves to make that happen. He sighs when he feels a kiss being pressed to the top of his head. A thumb caresses his wrist and he flexes the fingers that are resting against a firm chest. There’s something soothing about being this close to Tony, it makes it easier to resist the urge to run to the nearest whiskey bottle.
He feels guilty because that’s not Tony’s responsibility but he can’t seem to shake the feeling. “Stop worrying.”
“I don’t... I just... What-?”
“Just let me help,” Tony pleads. “I want to.”
There’s a sudden tension between them that wasn’t there before but he doesn’t really want to think about that too much. When he doesn’t say anything lips press against his forehead and his fingers graze Tony’s jaw when he reaches up to touch. “This can’t be comfortable, come on,” Tony coaxed.
He’s fairly sure that’s wrong because he’s comfortable where he is, seduced by the heat of Tony’s body and the comfort being offered. He makes a distressed sound when he’s dislodged from his spot. “It’ll be better, I promise,” Tony murmur’s before lips ghost over his.
There’s a moment when he’s not sure what they’re talking about. Tony’s got this look on his face and he knows he’s not the only one who’s walking a fine line. It took strength he didn’t know he had right now to get up from the floor. Tissues are thrust in his direction and he makes a half-hearted attempt to wipe his face and blow his nose. The man before him rolls his eyes and moves away but is back soon enough. A damp flannel wipes at his face with such care and he feels better. Well, maybe better was overstating it a bit but he did appreciate the gesture.
The flannel hits the sink but neither of them moves. “Heinrich.”
He leans forward wanting to taste all that need for himself. The minute their mouths meet he knows just one taste isn’t going to be enough. He wants more, needs more, can’t believe they’ve gone so long without having more than this. Tony moans and he feels....
He pulls back breathing hard and trying desperately to put a stop to that wobbly feeling in his stomach. Maybe he was coming down with something which wouldn’t be the best turn of events. Fingers run down his cheek before a hand reaches for his. “Come on.”
He follows without question and barely noticed the fact their fingers were entwined. It seemed natural, to follow Tony when asked, and regardless of what else came with it things were just simple. Soon he’s lying on Tony’s bed and there are limbs wrapped around him. “Sleep.”
For once he attempts to do what he’s told.
“Are you really going to let him go?” Christian asked him two months later
He deliberately doesn’t look up from the magazine he’s reading. “Hmm?”
He’s not sure if he quite managed to pull off the nonchalance he was aiming for and the cushion that’s thrown in his direction makes him look away from the glossy pages. “It’s only a second date, I’m sure you still have a shot if you want to give it a go.”
What Tony did was his own affair though he’s not sure he’s looking forward to when the other man moved out. It was nice not living alone after all this time. Maybe he should start thinking about getting a flat-mate? It would definitely be worth looking into. “When are you going to stop pretending?”
“Who says I’m-” he starts to protest.
“Just stop.”
Christian normally just let things slide and he really didn’t want to have this conversation. “Are you going to stay for lunch?”
“Would it be so terrible if you just admitted you’re in love with Tony?”
That unfamiliar warmth bubbled to the surface and he ignored it. There was no room for sentimentality and he would definitely get over whatever it was. “I think you have me confused with someone else.”
“Heinrich.”
He hated the pity he could hear and he just wanted not to think about any of this. “Everything’s fine.”
“I’m not asking you to tell him,” Christian persisted.
He can’t think about it, things have been strained between the two of them since the night they’d kissed. There hadn’t been a repeat and he wasn’t sure if he wanted there to be one or not. This situation was such a mess, he just wanted things to go back to how they were before. “Nothing has changed.”
“You’re in a better place than you were last time.”
“No, I-”
He’s no better prepared to handle his emotions than he was last time. It would just end the same way and they tried that. “You can deny it all you want but when he moves out you’re going to get hurt.”
“Then I get hurt!”
“What’s so wrong with how you feel about Tony?”
“I hated the time I was away from him, I can’t handle it.”
“Heinrich-”
“That hasn’t changed and it’ll be years before he’s ready to stop.”
“You’ve been living like that ever since he moved in with you.”
“That’s different.”
“Is it?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Heinrich!”
“Things didn’t work out with us and that’s just how things went.”
“He’s crazy about you and you might be pretending you’re just friends with him right now but we both know that’s a lie.”
“Just stop,” he said.
He can’t think about it, he won’t think about it, it’s too much. This is all he gets to have, all he deserves to get after the life he’s lead so far and he’s okay with that. Really he is, so why can’t everyone just realise that? Christian comes over and rests a hand on his back. “I know when you look in the mirror you still see something defective but that’s not what we see. You’ve come such a long way since then.”
“I’ll get over it.”
“Look, I know you’re still learning how to deal with emotions and crap, but that squishy feeling you get when you’re around him is what other people recognise as being in love.”
“This is not-”
“Most people consider it to be a good thing.”
“I’m not most people.”
Christian laughed at that and he felt his anxiety level lessen at that. “I think that’s what he likes about you.”
Heinrich wasn’t sure he believed that but he wasn’t going to argue about it. He’d enjoy living with Tony while he had the chance and deal with the consequences.
He was lying on the sofa trying to decide whether he was going to put a dvd on or just go to bed when Tony walked in the door. He watched as the other man hung up his jacket and dropped his keys in the dish. “I was expecting you to be more cheerful when you got home.”
Tony turned to look at him. “Oh?”
“Did things go badly?”
“They were fine.”
Heinrich wasn’t quite sure if Tony was keeping something from him or if it was the fact that the date was ‘fine’ that was the problem. He might think that fine was a good thing but Tony probably had higher expectations for his dates. Come to think of it most people probably had higher expectations than Heinrich. Then again they’d had experience at this sort of things and he was still learning how to manage it sober. “Want to watch a film?” he asked.
“I think I’m just going to head to bed.”
“Okay.”
“Want to keep me company?” Tony asked unexpectedly.
There was silence for a moment whilst Heinrich tried desperately not to think about how much he wanted to say yes to that offer. Maybe Tony hadn’t meant it quite the way it came out but this could definitely land him in a whole lot of trouble. “Won’t the guy you’re dating object?”
“We won’t be having a repeat performance.”
Once he was laying on top of Tony’s bed looking at the ceiling, Heinrich decided that maybe things shouldn’t just be left the way they had been. “So what was wrong with your date?”
“I told you, nothing.”
He shifted so he could give Tony a look that clearly said he wasn’t impressed with that answer and was confronted by the image of Tony dressed just in his pyjama bottoms. Maybe he shouldn’t put so much effort into working out what exactly went wrong when they could be talking about something more enjoyable. “There wasn’t anything wrong with it, he was charming and polite. My mother would think he was charming.”
“Your mother likes me,” he felt the need to point out for some reason.
“Yeah, maybe she’s not the best judge of character.”
“Hey!” he threw a pillow at Tony. “Take that back!”
Tony laughs and grabs the pillow from the floor before he crosses the room and climbs into bed. “Fine. She doesn’t get it completely wrong.”
That will probably have to do, at least for now, he concludes, and he’s happy to just lay there in silence. He feels the bed dip as Tony moves and he glances across at his friend. There’s a look on Tony’s face that he doesn’t really understand and he’s not sure if he’s going to like the words that are about to come. “Heinrich do you think... I mean I know...”
He reaches across and places a finger on Tony’s lips. “Tonight wasn’t enough for you with him and I’d be happy if things went that well for me. I can’t offer you anywhere near that good.”
“I just want to be with you.”
“Tony I’m still learning here and that would never be enough for you. I’ve got some good friends now and I’m actually quite enjoying you being here which surprises me. I wouldn’t handle the travelling well and it’d end up just the way it did last time.”
“Why does it have to end that way?”
“You really want to be my guinea pig?”
There’s no immediate response and even though he knows that the answer is no being faced with the reality of it is a completely different thing. This situation extinguishes all hope and there is no way back from there. “What is the problem with the travel?”
“I don’t know how this works, how that would work and I freak out about it. I hated sleeping without you and I wasn’t sure if I knew how to do it.”
“You seem to have managed just fine.”
“Maybe it’s time you looked for somewhere else to live.”
He gets up off the bed and walks to his own room. It had to be done, they both needed to put an end to it and now they could move on from there. Things are tense between them the following morning so he goes to visit Sébastien for three days in the hope that some space will make things easier.
Heinrich arrives home to find Tony’s mother standing outside waiting to be let in. “That was some good timing, I was just about to start worrying about what I was going to do this evening.”
He unlocks the front door and lets her in whilst he fishes out his phone to see if Tony’s sent him a message. The screen is devoid of any messages or missed calls just like it had been the last time he’d checked. “He hasn’t tried to call me but I’m sure he won’t be long.”
“It was a bit of a last minute surprise visit.”
“Ahh,” he said given the lack of anything else to say.
He took his bag into his bedroom and dumped it on the floor before heading to Tony’s room. Finding it empty and spotlessly neat he wonders where exactly his room-mate is. Maybe flat hunting. He pushes away the uncomfortable thought because that won’t help right now. He finds the right number in his contact list but the call goes straight to voicemail.
He comes out to find that there’s a mug of hot coffee waiting for him. He hadn’t meant to take that long to get back out here. “His phone goes straight to voice mail.”
“I’m sure he’ll be home soon enough.”
He looks away from and grabs his mug. Something about the word home hits him hard. This is ridiculous, he will be fine. “I’m sure.”
“Did you have a good trip.”
“Huh?” it takes him a few moments to realise she’s referring to the fact he had his bag with him when he got back. “Umm, yeah it was fine.”
“Tony said you’d gone to visit a friend.”
“Yeah.”
He sips his coffee and wonders if there’s any way for him to get out of this conversation without looking like a total idiot. “If you have plans tonight you don’t have to stay on my account.”
“It’s fine Mrs Martin.”
She tuts at his comment and it reminds him that they’re on a first name basis. At least until she knows Tony’s moving out and then he’s fairly sure that privilege will be revoked. “I mean it, this was a surprise visit and I don’t expect you to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.”
“He told you?”
“He wanted advice,” she says matter-of-factly.
It seems so easy and uncomplicated when she says it like that but he knows the reality won’t be pushed aside that easily. “I see.”
“I’m glad Tony has someone who loves him as much as you do.”
That wasn’t what he expected her to say, it wasn’t even close to anything that had occurred to him. “I think you’re misinterpreting the situation here.”
He watches Tony’s mother come towards him and he wonders if it’s too late to go out now. “Don’t doubt that he feels the same way.”
“We’re just friends.”
“You’re just making sure he knows what he’s getting himself into,” she pauses briefly. “He told me about the drinking. That can’t have been an easy conversation to have with him given once upon a time he used to be a policeman.”
“I’ll go see if his phone is ringing now,” he says.
Unfortunately luck isn’t on his side and the call goes straight to voicemail. “He’s not answering.”
“Can you forgive him for not always thinking before he speaks?”
“Maybe I should try calling someone else instead.”
He doesn’t want to think about this, about what might be. He feels the panic settle in his stomach and he wants it to go away. “Are you prepared to let him love you?”
The key in the lock allows him to leave his mug and head towards the door. “Your mother’s here,” he blurts out the second he sees Tony.
“It’s nice to see you too.”
“Did you hear what I said?” he snaps.
“Are you okay?”
He heads towards his room and isn’t sure if he feels about Tony following him in there. “Heinrich?”
“I’m fine.”
“Really?”
“I can’t do this,” he whispers.
Tony reaches out and wraps arms around him. “It’s all right.”
“Tony!”
“I’m sorry.”
He just about manages to stay where he is even though it’s bordering on the unbearable to be this close. “Are you not ready or are you just not sure that you can let me love you?”
“Please don’t!”
“What I should have said last time is I feel that way about you too but I don’t want to rush things and last night I should’ve told you that we can figure it out together. I’m okay if you struggle at first because I know things will work themselves out once you realise that the world is not going to implode when we’re apart.”
“I want to, I just don’t know how.”
“How about you let me teach you?”
“What if it’s not enough?”
“We’ve been friends for a while.”
“Is that what we’ve been?”
Tony’s silent and for some reason he finds that incredibly comforting. “I can’t make promises.”
“I never asked you to.”
“Maybe I wanted more than what you could give me. Are you telling me that it’s more important to you that I’m in your life than it is for us to give this another go?”
“I don’t think so.”
Tony breathes a sigh of relief but he feels no such relaxation. “We can work with that.”
“You know it was Christian who pointed out I was in love with you?”
Fingers skimmed along his jaw and he forced himself not to squirm under the contact. “You think I care about that? Or are you worried about the precedent that it sets?”
It should be obvious that he has no idea what he’s doing and that’s not good for where Tony wants this to go. It’s not good for anyone who wants any sort of relationship with him. “I think it says a lot.”
“It says that I should ignore your age and just go with the idea that you have absolutely no clue what you’re doing. I’m not quite sure what I’ve done to make you think that I’m some sort of expert in this area.”
“Not difficult really.”
Tony licks his lips and Heinrich’s distracted from anything other than that simple action. Tony repeats the action and then smiles. “Not completely clueless.”
He wants nothing more than to close the distance between them but he’s not going to get into something he’s not sure about. Maybe there’s no way to ever be sure about something like this before you do it but they’ve waited this long. “I’m glad you find my lack of experience amusing.”
In that instance it feels like he’s having a conversation he’s had once before as a ghost merges the present and the past. He feels disorientated and it’s a battle to remember where he is. Belatedly he realises that Tony’s been talking. “Heinrich?”
“What did you say?”
He’s not sure if he’s reading pity or understanding in the eyes watching him and he’s not sure he wants to know. “Being with you was never boring.”
“Isn’t ‘fine’ looking a lot better now?”
“Maybe some of what happened with us was a little unskilled and rough around the edges but perfect is overrated. I love that you let me teach you how to cook.”
“Yeah, because making a sandwich is so hard!”
“Shut up, that bolognaise was nice.”
“You mean you didn’t like the pirate flags?”
They’d gotten a lot of use initially in sandwiches and then he’d even made cupcakes. First batch were inedible but then he got the hang of them and he suddenly became very popular with his friends. “I am a fan of butter icing.”
“You just like to lick the bowl!”
Actually Tony had spent rather a long time smearing it over him and licking it off. He hadn’t complained at the time though they did ruin that one set of sheets... “I like the flags and the bow on my coffee cup. Not so keen on the time you spilt coffee all over my popcorn.”
“I’m glad you admitted it.”
“You ever adulterate my oatmeal again and I might hurt you.”
“What’s wrong with smiley faces?”
He watches Tony hesitate before replying and that’s what makes it easier to take the criticism. “Maybe this isn’t the best time to talk about this.”
“You’re talking to me so that makes it perfect.”
“Your mother-”
“Thinks you’re good for me and will have some things to say if I screw this up.”
“I should tell her it’s more likely to be me.”
“You’ll sleep all right without me in your bed but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy that you missed me.”
“Whilst you get a great night’s sleep?”
“Why do you think I kept coming over all those evenings?”
“You just wanted to eat my food.”
Tony gives him a look that tells him that he’s being ridiculous and this time he doesn’t stop the urge to close the gap between them. The touch is fleeting but he’s wanted it for so long that it’s nice to just appease that ache just a little. “We can find a way to handle the trips better if that’s the problem. If you don’t want to talk too much then that’s fine but I need something.”
“Maybe twice a week?”
“Maybe three times if I’m good?”
“You mean if you can’t find the remote?”
“That too.”
“Maybe, if you’re very good.”
“So you think that we could give this thing between us another shot?”
“Maybe.”
A year passes while Heinrich’s not looking and things seem to be going all right. He hasn’t given dating another go yet but he’s sure that’ll come eventually. Other things seem to be working out for him which is what matters most. He’s racing under an Australian licence now and it feels right. He’d had some serious doubts with all the paperwork and things he’d had to do in order to make it happen but now he’s glad he persevered.
He can’t explain it, nothing really changed but it feels like everything changed. Now he feels more like himself and that’s all he’s ever wanted. Sébastien teased him about it for a week which he took as a sign of approval.
He’s got some new friends now, ones that don’t require a bottle of something to get out of bed. It’s rather daunting but he’s slowly adjusting. It’s nice to know that he can handle this sort of thing better now. When he hit rock bottom he never thought that this would be possible. Yet here he is with friends who keep him grounded when he starts to wobble.
He’s just moved into a new place and there are boxes everywhere but he’s okay with that. There’s still some things he should probably stop holding onto but he’ll let them go when he’s ready and not before. He’s made his peace with them and for the first time in a long time things are looking up. It feels as though he’s making a transition into a new phase of his life and unlike the other times he’s tried he’s more confident that this one is going to be a success.
There are still days when he wishes he was done already but things are going in the right direction. His relationship with his family has started to heal too which is more than he’d ever thought would happen. He’d thought that was beyond repairing. He opens the door and finds Christian standing on the doorstep wearing ratty jeans and a well-worn t-shirt. “You know if I didn’t know better I’d think you were here to help me paint the kitchen or something.”
“Fuck off,” Christian said and brushed past him. “Just because it takes you three hours to get ready or whatever it is doesn’t mean you should take it out on those of us who look good without any real effort.”
“You better have brought coffee.”
“As if I’d leave home without it!”
Christian handed him a cup and he breathed in the aroma of his favourite coffee. “I think I just might love you.”
“I know you’re a cheap date.”
He drank from his cup as he moved down the hallway towards the lounge. He flopped down on the sofa with rather more care than he would usually take. “Does this mean you’re angling to ask me something?”
“What’s the deal with Tony?”
He glances across at his friend. “That’s what you came all the way over here to ask me?”
“I came to help you with the unpacking and I noticed the jacket.”
“He forgot it when he left last night.”
“And?”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Heinrich!”
“We’re friends, there’s nothing to tell. He stopped by last night on his way out that’s all.”
“You’re not exactly on the way to anywhere.”
“If you don’t believe me that’s not my problem.”
“Fine, drink your coffee. I’ll get the story out of you when you’re properly caffeinated.”
Heinrich rolled his eyes but said nothing. There wasn’t anything to say, it’d taken a while to get past the awkwardness after they’d broken up but they got over that and now things are good. They talk quite a lot and he doesn’t experience that horrible sick feeling he used to get when he sees Tony’s name flashing on the screen. All in all things have worked out well and he’s grateful for that.
He glances across at his friend and wondered if the questions were related to something that didn’t really concern him directly. “Do you like him?”
Christian gave him a look that clearly said he was missing something but he hadn’t a clue what. He wasn’t really sure he wanted to work out what it was either. He liked how things were going and he didn’t want to upset that. If Tony was seeing someone else then he’ll find out about it when his ex is ready to tell him. “For a smart guy you can be totally oblivious sometimes.”
“I’m really glad you came to see me this morning,” he groused not really wanting to get into whatever conversation they might be having.
“How about you tell me what it is we need to start with?”
“I need to find my plates,” he replies after a brief pause to think. “Tony unpacked all the pans and things but I’m missing the basics.”
“Maybe he was hoping to encourage you to branch out a bit.”
“Hey I manage!”
Christian laughed. “Sure you do, you just keep telling yourself that.”
“If you’re not nice to me I won’t make you your favourite cake as a thank you.”
Christian wisely said nothing.
Another year passes and everything is going well. He met a guy he liked and decided to give dating another try. It turned out they’d wanted different things so it hadn’t worked out but other than that it had gone pretty well. He hadn’t been all anxious about the whole thing like he had been with Tony and that had been nice. Maybe he won’t leave it so long before he tries it again this time.
He’s finding he likes living with someone, likes having someone to come home to in the evening. Sure he still travels a lot but he thinks maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible if there was someone to come home to. He’s not going to be cycling forever so maybe it’s not totally unreasonable. He’s testing out how he feels about that on Tony but he hasn’t told the other man that. He doesn’t want things to get weird between them.
He’s been living with Tony for a couple of months now ever since the neighbours from hell had moved in to Tony’s building. It was only meant to be for a week or two whilst Tony found a new place but with all the travelling they both did it has taken a lot longer to find somewhere suitable. He’s not all that bothered about it, they haven’t seen a lot of each other recently given it’s got to the busy part of the season so there’s no great rush.
The day Heinrich realises he’s in trouble is fairly unremarkable. He’s exhausted from overdoing it the night before and he’s not entirely sure he’s been to sleep yet. Logically he knows this is a total lie and of course he’s gotten some sleep, probably in the region of his usual amount in fact, it just doesn’t feel like it to him right now.
He’s texting Christian trying to find out if they’re still meeting up later or if it’s going to be rearranged because they’re both in the same state. He collapses back onto the bed, head for some reason at the foot of the bed with his phone held above him. He hears the door open and he looks away briefly from his phone to see Tony wondering in. “What you got planned for today?” he asks as he puts his phone down.
“Packing most likely,” Tony says. “I think my kit is clean, I just need to make sure I’ve got enough of everything. I am so ready for the summer to be over.”
“You actually miss riding in the snow?”
“Don’t be a jerk.”
Tony comes to sit on the bed besides him so he shifts over slight to make some more room. “I’m so tired,” he complains.
“This is what happens when you don’t take proper care of yourself and get dehydrated.”
A bottle of water appears beside him and he stares at it for a few moments. He eventually moves so he can drink from it. “Thanks.”
“I got you some more sunscreen while I was out yesterday because I noticed you were out.”
“I’ve just been stealing yours,” he murmurs.
“I noticed.”
“Is this a hint to stop?”
“I’m going to be away for three weeks, it’s not going to be here for you to steal and I don’t want you getting sunburnt.”
He pulls a face because that would not be a pleasant experience. “Thank you.”
“Try not to get yourself into any trouble while I’m gone.”
“Spoilsport!” he mutters.
He drops the empty bottle back onto the bed. “Would you like a refill?”
His phone beeps and he picks it back up again to read the message. “Nah, I need to get up.”
“Visitors?”
He glances over and finally notices the lack of clothes Tony has on. “Christian.”
“You shouldn’t be-”
“He’s coming over and we’re watching dvds,” he interrupts.
Tony seems somewhat placated by the news and that makes him happy. “You going to be joining us?”
“Maybe later, I should get myself organised first.”
Tony’s hand is on his leg and it’s then that he realises he’s missed this, the easy conversation and being comfortable in one another’s presence. It would be easy to just keep doing this and they’d done it so often when they were a couple. Their lives had just seem to mesh together in certain ways that worked but there were many ways they didn’t fit. “I’ll make sure we save something good then.”
Tony smiled and he realised he’d missed that. Obviously he’d been spending far too long thinking about this. “You don’t want to pack for me?” the question was a rather optimistic one.
“You get enough practise at it you should be good at it by now.”
“I still don’t like doing it.”
He sat up, a hand automatically reaching out for the other man. “The rest of our stuff will still be here when you get back.”
Tony nodded and he wasn’t entirely sure what was going on. He knew something was but right now he wasn’t being told whatever it was he was missing. “Give me five minutes and I’ll come supervise.”
“Like you can get ready in five minutes for anything!”
“Hey if you don’t want help...”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then go be a good boy and wait for me in your room,” he says before kissing the side of Tony’s head.
Strangely enough that seems to work and he’s left to get ready by himself. Tony makes no comment when it takes him half an hour to get himself together. It’s the first time he becomes aware of a faint warmth in the pit of his stomach.
As time goes by there are times when he lets his touch linger just a little too long. He’s not the only one who does it and first time it happened he wondered what the hell was going on, but he didn’t find any answers. Now he’s just letting things be as they are without questioning it. He’s comfortable with how things are and that’s all he wants to know right now.
Tony’s family have been coming over more regularly so he makes plans with friends to be elsewhere to give them time alone together. It’s something that works out more often than not and usually he’s gone before they arrive. It isn’t until Tony’s flight’s late, something he’s surprised hasn’t happened before now, and he ends up playing host for an hour or so that he wonders whether he’s been missing out on something. It makes him question the validity of the reasons they broke up but he’s not sure he’s any more prepared to handle the time apart now than he was the last time they were more than just good friends.
Things stay in an odd state of limbo and he’s not sure he wants to do what he probably should. He doesn’t want Tony to leave and he doesn’t want to think about why. Everything will be fine as long as he doesn’t think about it!!
It’s the death of another friend that shatters his tentative hold on the situation. Sébastien and Christian have been trading him between them giving him something to cling to. His sobriety’s hanging by a thread and he’s not sure he’s strong enough to pull himself back from the edge. He’s already gotten behind the wheel so many times intent on finding the best oblivion he knows.
Tony finds him lying on the bathroom floor when he returns home. Heinrich’s so afraid to move in case he does something he knows he’ll regret in the morning. The light when it’s turned on is blinding but thankfully Tony turns it off. He’s so pathetic he just wants to find a hole to fall into and never climb out of. A light gets flicked on somewhere and he can see the light spill into the hallway.
Hands reach for him, soothing in a way he never expected. “Why didn’t you call?”
Tony sounds hurt and he just wants to disappear. “I’m sorry.”
Tears slid down his cheek and into the carpet. He is so bad at this he’s not sure why he ever bothered to think that life could be different. There’s no way he can escape all the bad things he’s done, he just has to live with them. Tony lay down beside him and reached out to take hold of one of his hands. He holds onto it tightly and for a while that’s enough, an anchor that is keeping him from disappearing.
At some point he ends up with his head resting on Tony’s shoulder but he couldn’t say which one of them it was that moves to make that happen. He sighs when he feels a kiss being pressed to the top of his head. A thumb caresses his wrist and he flexes the fingers that are resting against a firm chest. There’s something soothing about being this close to Tony, it makes it easier to resist the urge to run to the nearest whiskey bottle.
He feels guilty because that’s not Tony’s responsibility but he can’t seem to shake the feeling. “Stop worrying.”
“I don’t... I just... What-?”
“Just let me help,” Tony pleads. “I want to.”
There’s a sudden tension between them that wasn’t there before but he doesn’t really want to think about that too much. When he doesn’t say anything lips press against his forehead and his fingers graze Tony’s jaw when he reaches up to touch. “This can’t be comfortable, come on,” Tony coaxed.
He’s fairly sure that’s wrong because he’s comfortable where he is, seduced by the heat of Tony’s body and the comfort being offered. He makes a distressed sound when he’s dislodged from his spot. “It’ll be better, I promise,” Tony murmur’s before lips ghost over his.
There’s a moment when he’s not sure what they’re talking about. Tony’s got this look on his face and he knows he’s not the only one who’s walking a fine line. It took strength he didn’t know he had right now to get up from the floor. Tissues are thrust in his direction and he makes a half-hearted attempt to wipe his face and blow his nose. The man before him rolls his eyes and moves away but is back soon enough. A damp flannel wipes at his face with such care and he feels better. Well, maybe better was overstating it a bit but he did appreciate the gesture.
The flannel hits the sink but neither of them moves. “Heinrich.”
He leans forward wanting to taste all that need for himself. The minute their mouths meet he knows just one taste isn’t going to be enough. He wants more, needs more, can’t believe they’ve gone so long without having more than this. Tony moans and he feels....
He pulls back breathing hard and trying desperately to put a stop to that wobbly feeling in his stomach. Maybe he was coming down with something which wouldn’t be the best turn of events. Fingers run down his cheek before a hand reaches for his. “Come on.”
He follows without question and barely noticed the fact their fingers were entwined. It seemed natural, to follow Tony when asked, and regardless of what else came with it things were just simple. Soon he’s lying on Tony’s bed and there are limbs wrapped around him. “Sleep.”
For once he attempts to do what he’s told.
“Are you really going to let him go?” Christian asked him two months later
He deliberately doesn’t look up from the magazine he’s reading. “Hmm?”
He’s not sure if he quite managed to pull off the nonchalance he was aiming for and the cushion that’s thrown in his direction makes him look away from the glossy pages. “It’s only a second date, I’m sure you still have a shot if you want to give it a go.”
What Tony did was his own affair though he’s not sure he’s looking forward to when the other man moved out. It was nice not living alone after all this time. Maybe he should start thinking about getting a flat-mate? It would definitely be worth looking into. “When are you going to stop pretending?”
“Who says I’m-” he starts to protest.
“Just stop.”
Christian normally just let things slide and he really didn’t want to have this conversation. “Are you going to stay for lunch?”
“Would it be so terrible if you just admitted you’re in love with Tony?”
That unfamiliar warmth bubbled to the surface and he ignored it. There was no room for sentimentality and he would definitely get over whatever it was. “I think you have me confused with someone else.”
“Heinrich.”
He hated the pity he could hear and he just wanted not to think about any of this. “Everything’s fine.”
“I’m not asking you to tell him,” Christian persisted.
He can’t think about it, things have been strained between the two of them since the night they’d kissed. There hadn’t been a repeat and he wasn’t sure if he wanted there to be one or not. This situation was such a mess, he just wanted things to go back to how they were before. “Nothing has changed.”
“You’re in a better place than you were last time.”
“No, I-”
He’s no better prepared to handle his emotions than he was last time. It would just end the same way and they tried that. “You can deny it all you want but when he moves out you’re going to get hurt.”
“Then I get hurt!”
“What’s so wrong with how you feel about Tony?”
“I hated the time I was away from him, I can’t handle it.”
“Heinrich-”
“That hasn’t changed and it’ll be years before he’s ready to stop.”
“You’ve been living like that ever since he moved in with you.”
“That’s different.”
“Is it?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Heinrich!”
“Things didn’t work out with us and that’s just how things went.”
“He’s crazy about you and you might be pretending you’re just friends with him right now but we both know that’s a lie.”
“Just stop,” he said.
He can’t think about it, he won’t think about it, it’s too much. This is all he gets to have, all he deserves to get after the life he’s lead so far and he’s okay with that. Really he is, so why can’t everyone just realise that? Christian comes over and rests a hand on his back. “I know when you look in the mirror you still see something defective but that’s not what we see. You’ve come such a long way since then.”
“I’ll get over it.”
“Look, I know you’re still learning how to deal with emotions and crap, but that squishy feeling you get when you’re around him is what other people recognise as being in love.”
“This is not-”
“Most people consider it to be a good thing.”
“I’m not most people.”
Christian laughed at that and he felt his anxiety level lessen at that. “I think that’s what he likes about you.”
Heinrich wasn’t sure he believed that but he wasn’t going to argue about it. He’d enjoy living with Tony while he had the chance and deal with the consequences.
He was lying on the sofa trying to decide whether he was going to put a dvd on or just go to bed when Tony walked in the door. He watched as the other man hung up his jacket and dropped his keys in the dish. “I was expecting you to be more cheerful when you got home.”
Tony turned to look at him. “Oh?”
“Did things go badly?”
“They were fine.”
Heinrich wasn’t quite sure if Tony was keeping something from him or if it was the fact that the date was ‘fine’ that was the problem. He might think that fine was a good thing but Tony probably had higher expectations for his dates. Come to think of it most people probably had higher expectations than Heinrich. Then again they’d had experience at this sort of things and he was still learning how to manage it sober. “Want to watch a film?” he asked.
“I think I’m just going to head to bed.”
“Okay.”
“Want to keep me company?” Tony asked unexpectedly.
There was silence for a moment whilst Heinrich tried desperately not to think about how much he wanted to say yes to that offer. Maybe Tony hadn’t meant it quite the way it came out but this could definitely land him in a whole lot of trouble. “Won’t the guy you’re dating object?”
“We won’t be having a repeat performance.”
Once he was laying on top of Tony’s bed looking at the ceiling, Heinrich decided that maybe things shouldn’t just be left the way they had been. “So what was wrong with your date?”
“I told you, nothing.”
He shifted so he could give Tony a look that clearly said he wasn’t impressed with that answer and was confronted by the image of Tony dressed just in his pyjama bottoms. Maybe he shouldn’t put so much effort into working out what exactly went wrong when they could be talking about something more enjoyable. “There wasn’t anything wrong with it, he was charming and polite. My mother would think he was charming.”
“Your mother likes me,” he felt the need to point out for some reason.
“Yeah, maybe she’s not the best judge of character.”
“Hey!” he threw a pillow at Tony. “Take that back!”
Tony laughs and grabs the pillow from the floor before he crosses the room and climbs into bed. “Fine. She doesn’t get it completely wrong.”
That will probably have to do, at least for now, he concludes, and he’s happy to just lay there in silence. He feels the bed dip as Tony moves and he glances across at his friend. There’s a look on Tony’s face that he doesn’t really understand and he’s not sure if he’s going to like the words that are about to come. “Heinrich do you think... I mean I know...”
He reaches across and places a finger on Tony’s lips. “Tonight wasn’t enough for you with him and I’d be happy if things went that well for me. I can’t offer you anywhere near that good.”
“I just want to be with you.”
“Tony I’m still learning here and that would never be enough for you. I’ve got some good friends now and I’m actually quite enjoying you being here which surprises me. I wouldn’t handle the travelling well and it’d end up just the way it did last time.”
“Why does it have to end that way?”
“You really want to be my guinea pig?”
There’s no immediate response and even though he knows that the answer is no being faced with the reality of it is a completely different thing. This situation extinguishes all hope and there is no way back from there. “What is the problem with the travel?”
“I don’t know how this works, how that would work and I freak out about it. I hated sleeping without you and I wasn’t sure if I knew how to do it.”
“You seem to have managed just fine.”
“Maybe it’s time you looked for somewhere else to live.”
He gets up off the bed and walks to his own room. It had to be done, they both needed to put an end to it and now they could move on from there. Things are tense between them the following morning so he goes to visit Sébastien for three days in the hope that some space will make things easier.
Heinrich arrives home to find Tony’s mother standing outside waiting to be let in. “That was some good timing, I was just about to start worrying about what I was going to do this evening.”
He unlocks the front door and lets her in whilst he fishes out his phone to see if Tony’s sent him a message. The screen is devoid of any messages or missed calls just like it had been the last time he’d checked. “He hasn’t tried to call me but I’m sure he won’t be long.”
“It was a bit of a last minute surprise visit.”
“Ahh,” he said given the lack of anything else to say.
He took his bag into his bedroom and dumped it on the floor before heading to Tony’s room. Finding it empty and spotlessly neat he wonders where exactly his room-mate is. Maybe flat hunting. He pushes away the uncomfortable thought because that won’t help right now. He finds the right number in his contact list but the call goes straight to voicemail.
He comes out to find that there’s a mug of hot coffee waiting for him. He hadn’t meant to take that long to get back out here. “His phone goes straight to voice mail.”
“I’m sure he’ll be home soon enough.”
He looks away from and grabs his mug. Something about the word home hits him hard. This is ridiculous, he will be fine. “I’m sure.”
“Did you have a good trip.”
“Huh?” it takes him a few moments to realise she’s referring to the fact he had his bag with him when he got back. “Umm, yeah it was fine.”
“Tony said you’d gone to visit a friend.”
“Yeah.”
He sips his coffee and wonders if there’s any way for him to get out of this conversation without looking like a total idiot. “If you have plans tonight you don’t have to stay on my account.”
“It’s fine Mrs Martin.”
She tuts at his comment and it reminds him that they’re on a first name basis. At least until she knows Tony’s moving out and then he’s fairly sure that privilege will be revoked. “I mean it, this was a surprise visit and I don’t expect you to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.”
“He told you?”
“He wanted advice,” she says matter-of-factly.
It seems so easy and uncomplicated when she says it like that but he knows the reality won’t be pushed aside that easily. “I see.”
“I’m glad Tony has someone who loves him as much as you do.”
That wasn’t what he expected her to say, it wasn’t even close to anything that had occurred to him. “I think you’re misinterpreting the situation here.”
He watches Tony’s mother come towards him and he wonders if it’s too late to go out now. “Don’t doubt that he feels the same way.”
“We’re just friends.”
“You’re just making sure he knows what he’s getting himself into,” she pauses briefly. “He told me about the drinking. That can’t have been an easy conversation to have with him given once upon a time he used to be a policeman.”
“I’ll go see if his phone is ringing now,” he says.
Unfortunately luck isn’t on his side and the call goes straight to voicemail. “He’s not answering.”
“Can you forgive him for not always thinking before he speaks?”
“Maybe I should try calling someone else instead.”
He doesn’t want to think about this, about what might be. He feels the panic settle in his stomach and he wants it to go away. “Are you prepared to let him love you?”
The key in the lock allows him to leave his mug and head towards the door. “Your mother’s here,” he blurts out the second he sees Tony.
“It’s nice to see you too.”
“Did you hear what I said?” he snaps.
“Are you okay?”
He heads towards his room and isn’t sure if he feels about Tony following him in there. “Heinrich?”
“I’m fine.”
“Really?”
“I can’t do this,” he whispers.
Tony reaches out and wraps arms around him. “It’s all right.”
“Tony!”
“I’m sorry.”
He just about manages to stay where he is even though it’s bordering on the unbearable to be this close. “Are you not ready or are you just not sure that you can let me love you?”
“Please don’t!”
“What I should have said last time is I feel that way about you too but I don’t want to rush things and last night I should’ve told you that we can figure it out together. I’m okay if you struggle at first because I know things will work themselves out once you realise that the world is not going to implode when we’re apart.”
“I want to, I just don’t know how.”
“How about you let me teach you?”
“What if it’s not enough?”
“We’ve been friends for a while.”
“Is that what we’ve been?”
Tony’s silent and for some reason he finds that incredibly comforting. “I can’t make promises.”
“I never asked you to.”
“Maybe I wanted more than what you could give me. Are you telling me that it’s more important to you that I’m in your life than it is for us to give this another go?”
“I don’t think so.”
Tony breathes a sigh of relief but he feels no such relaxation. “We can work with that.”
“You know it was Christian who pointed out I was in love with you?”
Fingers skimmed along his jaw and he forced himself not to squirm under the contact. “You think I care about that? Or are you worried about the precedent that it sets?”
It should be obvious that he has no idea what he’s doing and that’s not good for where Tony wants this to go. It’s not good for anyone who wants any sort of relationship with him. “I think it says a lot.”
“It says that I should ignore your age and just go with the idea that you have absolutely no clue what you’re doing. I’m not quite sure what I’ve done to make you think that I’m some sort of expert in this area.”
“Not difficult really.”
Tony licks his lips and Heinrich’s distracted from anything other than that simple action. Tony repeats the action and then smiles. “Not completely clueless.”
He wants nothing more than to close the distance between them but he’s not going to get into something he’s not sure about. Maybe there’s no way to ever be sure about something like this before you do it but they’ve waited this long. “I’m glad you find my lack of experience amusing.”
In that instance it feels like he’s having a conversation he’s had once before as a ghost merges the present and the past. He feels disorientated and it’s a battle to remember where he is. Belatedly he realises that Tony’s been talking. “Heinrich?”
“What did you say?”
He’s not sure if he’s reading pity or understanding in the eyes watching him and he’s not sure he wants to know. “Being with you was never boring.”
“Isn’t ‘fine’ looking a lot better now?”
“Maybe some of what happened with us was a little unskilled and rough around the edges but perfect is overrated. I love that you let me teach you how to cook.”
“Yeah, because making a sandwich is so hard!”
“Shut up, that bolognaise was nice.”
“You mean you didn’t like the pirate flags?”
They’d gotten a lot of use initially in sandwiches and then he’d even made cupcakes. First batch were inedible but then he got the hang of them and he suddenly became very popular with his friends. “I am a fan of butter icing.”
“You just like to lick the bowl!”
Actually Tony had spent rather a long time smearing it over him and licking it off. He hadn’t complained at the time though they did ruin that one set of sheets... “I like the flags and the bow on my coffee cup. Not so keen on the time you spilt coffee all over my popcorn.”
“I’m glad you admitted it.”
“You ever adulterate my oatmeal again and I might hurt you.”
“What’s wrong with smiley faces?”
He watches Tony hesitate before replying and that’s what makes it easier to take the criticism. “Maybe this isn’t the best time to talk about this.”
“You’re talking to me so that makes it perfect.”
“Your mother-”
“Thinks you’re good for me and will have some things to say if I screw this up.”
“I should tell her it’s more likely to be me.”
“You’ll sleep all right without me in your bed but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy that you missed me.”
“Whilst you get a great night’s sleep?”
“Why do you think I kept coming over all those evenings?”
“You just wanted to eat my food.”
Tony gives him a look that tells him that he’s being ridiculous and this time he doesn’t stop the urge to close the gap between them. The touch is fleeting but he’s wanted it for so long that it’s nice to just appease that ache just a little. “We can find a way to handle the trips better if that’s the problem. If you don’t want to talk too much then that’s fine but I need something.”
“Maybe twice a week?”
“Maybe three times if I’m good?”
“You mean if you can’t find the remote?”
“That too.”
“Maybe, if you’re very good.”
“So you think that we could give this thing between us another shot?”
“Maybe.”