Looking around for an escape route of old routine.
Dieu, this is difficult. Now my clothes are coming back, I have to find somebody, somewhere to look after Mathieu. I can't just keep leaving him with Rita, can I? It's hardly permanent. Then again, I'm not sure how permanent I want anything to be. Mostly, I'm just lonely. I've got my little boy, sure, but I...I need her.
And the things I keep reading, or seeing about her...that magazine of hers which landed on my freaking doorstep (okay, opening someone else's post is bad form, but it was only a magazine...). What if she's screwing that guy? I mean...it would make some sense. But....oh dieu.
If it weren't for Mathieu, I'd have completely lost it by now. The cigarettes are helping too. But I keep snapping at people right now. Granted there's not many people to snap to, so I'm tending to snap at milk bottles and arithmanthetical compasses. I have this overwhelming urge just to PUNCH something. Someone. But I'm alright. I'll keep dealing.
I just wish she'd say something to me. Anything. I don't want my family to turn into my family. Delame men always make stupid choices in women, right?
Nick's been great, though, I can't bloody argue with that. I just...I want her back. I...fuck, I shouldn't be this desperate.
I know...I know you're reading this. I hope you are, anyway. I didn't want to sound desperate last time I wrote, in a hope you'd take me seriously, or listen to me. Obviously, that didn't work. So I'm giving in and saying I am desperate. I'm desperate and pathetic and I want you back here with me. I'm sorry for whatever I did. I know we can work this out, we have to, because I can't do this alone. I can't. I hate sleeping alone, I hate coming home to an empty house, I hate eating alone...I hate having nobody right here, right now that I love. I'm sorry. I really am. We need to get this right. But I need you here to do that.
I really do not care what you are doing with that friend of yours. Go off, explore things, that's fine. I just...
Please, just tell me if you still love me. If you still want me. Or if I should give up and find a...find a way to do this. I truly do love you.
Abime.
I know this is really, really not fair to ask, but I am struggling to find anyone to look after Mathieu next week when I go back to work. Would you mind? Just as a temporary thing.
Nick. I don't know how I can do this anymore. I will. I'll keep at it, but I...oh, I can't.
Lighter. Lost my lighter. Back at work on Monday, kids, so get all that work I know you didn't do in cover lessons done sharpish.