oh grk.
Hurray, I'm idiot of the hour. This, Abime, is why you keep thoughts like that to yourself. So damn difficult to resist with Henri, though. I can manage everyone else's enthusiasm, sure, but everything that man does seems like a personal insult. And it isn't, Abime, pick that up.
So. Now everyone hates me. Well done, Abime, you screwed something else up. There's something that doesn't seem fair. Everyone else's world looks up, and when mine looks up, it goes straight back into a fucking nose dive again. It's not bloody easy when everyone else makes it work, makes it look so easy, and I'm stuck here. Being useless. Because I can't do that, apparently. Even Henri can keep a marriage in one piece, and he's...Henri. I couldn't even get my wife to come see her son on his birthday. I mean... It feels like I've let him down, like I've failed him. And it's one thing to be an abject failure at life, it's another to let Mathieu down. And there's this horrible bitterness, I can't get rid of it, and it comes out like that. Because I'm an idiot and can't hold on to stupid opinions for long enough.
It's not so much about being lonely, or even that unhappy, really, because I'm not. It's hard work, sure, but I know it's worth it. It's just that it feels like I'm doing this all wrong. I feel like I'm such a fuck up compared to everyone else. That I got everyone else's dose of bad luck or something.
But I need to get over it, because it's not fair to...hell, I knew that wasn't fair before, but I need to stop thinking like this. Or at least just not say anything to anyone. Just...shut up, Abime. That's...yeah, I'll do that. Go do maths and look after Mathieu instead of being an arse to my friends. After all, they're happy. I should be fucking happy for them instead of getting angry at their husbands. doesn't quite work like that, but never mind.
I think I'll try to teach him to count tonight. That'll be better.
Um. Everyone. I'm sorry. Especially to you, Henri. I let a lot of things slip that I should never have even thought about saying, and I'm sorry. Things have been frustrating as of late, and I've been trying to be rational and sensible about it, and I just didn't think. I really didn't think and I'm sorry. I'm apologising in front of everyone because I said that in front of everyone and I don't know who else I offended.
I'll leave divination alone too. Henri, I left you coffee on your desk. Not that it really does much, but even so. Coffee.
Right. Back to doing marking, then I've got to head home. Got a lot of things to do. I doubt anyone wants me, but you know where to find me, either way, although I'll be busy. Anyway. yes, back to my world of maths and dinosaurs.