{private entry}
Well, I talked to Ko on the phone today finally.
It's over. The affair or whatever it is we were having, anyway. He says he'll do it if I really want him to, because he promised he would, but I don't want him doing it out of pity or something. I feel rejected and that hurts, but I can't deny he's treated me very decently, and in the end has not only treated me with respect, but he maintained his self-resepct, too. I think perhaps he's a better person than I gave him credit for being, or maybe it's that I can only see that now that I'm no longer thinking of him as an object of lust.
It also proves that I'm no good at flirtation. He suggested I just hire someone to get it over with. It sounds like a rational idea, and I'll keep it in mind, but at the moment the idea is not appealing and more than a little scary.
This sends me and my awakened hormones back to square one.
Ko also suggested I try women. It isn't as if plenty of them don't attempt to flirt with me, but I haven't been interested in them. Not because they're women, necessarily, but more on an individual level? Shindou said something about trying to kiss Akari to forget about me and it being totally wrong. I have to wonder if that isn't to do with her being female so much as this childhood friend of his? Although he said to me that he "likes boys" so maybe it isn't just me he likes.
I don't like anyone much, is the thing, male or female. Other than Shindou right now, that is. But I haven't really been looking before now, either. And like I said before, the women and girls seem much more concerned with status and protecting their virtue. I just want to, you know.
Maybe I should try to forget about sex for a while.
It's over. The affair or whatever it is we were having, anyway. He says he'll do it if I really want him to, because he promised he would, but I don't want him doing it out of pity or something. I feel rejected and that hurts, but I can't deny he's treated me very decently, and in the end has not only treated me with respect, but he maintained his self-resepct, too. I think perhaps he's a better person than I gave him credit for being, or maybe it's that I can only see that now that I'm no longer thinking of him as an object of lust.
It also proves that I'm no good at flirtation. He suggested I just hire someone to get it over with. It sounds like a rational idea, and I'll keep it in mind, but at the moment the idea is not appealing and more than a little scary.
This sends me and my awakened hormones back to square one.
Ko also suggested I try women. It isn't as if plenty of them don't attempt to flirt with me, but I haven't been interested in them. Not because they're women, necessarily, but more on an individual level? Shindou said something about trying to kiss Akari to forget about me and it being totally wrong. I have to wonder if that isn't to do with her being female so much as this childhood friend of his? Although he said to me that he "likes boys" so maybe it isn't just me he likes.
I don't like anyone much, is the thing, male or female. Other than Shindou right now, that is. But I haven't really been looking before now, either. And like I said before, the women and girls seem much more concerned with status and protecting their virtue. I just want to, you know.
Maybe I should try to forget about sex for a while.