rewinding tomorrow
Title: rewinding tomorrow
Characters/Group: Ueda Tatsuya/Nishikido Ryo [KAT-TUN, NEWS]
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They ain't mine.
Word Count: ~1760
Summary: Because even if you color my world, baby
There are no love songs
Notes: Wrote this on a whim over the weekend. Unedited.
It’s breaking them from the inside out, eating their hearts raw leaving nothing but a burning trail of pain. It’s taking them apart, piece by careful piece, until very soon there will be nothing left. Already, they’re at a point very close to their limit, if this isn’t it already. It’s killing them, and there is no saving grace.
But they can’t end it, because that would mean instant death. That would mean pain greater than anything they could ever conceive of. Separation could not equal up to all the all the pain they’ve gone through until now. They can’t end it, no. This is their only way to live.
*
Nowadays it’s almost pointless to talk. Neither of them really bother; all it ever leads to are arguments anyway. Upturned tables and broken picture frames. Behind the shattered glass a snapshot of their smiling faces look on. It’s so easy to forget, nowadays, that such moments even existed. Times when just being near each other was everything, times when it would be painful just not to see each other for half a day, times when a brush of hands in the hallway could be enough.
Nowadays the apartment is more empty than it is not. Ueda stays in his apartment and Ryo doesn’t bother coming back to a place he once called home on most nights, preferring instead to crash at different places every night or work himself to the bone until he can’t feel his limbs from the numbness of his mind.
Ueda throws himself into work vehemently, becoming more of a workaholic by day, pushing to fulfill his dreams (what were they again? He can’t remember), picking up play roles, drama roles that he can’t connect to personally. If he stays still too long, thoughts will come invading so he busies himself, throws himself into anything he can to keep himself busy. He puts on a smile for the cameras, for his friends, for his coworkers. No one suspects a thing, no one imagines what could possibly be going on in his world.
They hate getting days off, tries their hardest to avoid them or fill them up by making appointments with friends. Because staying still is the worst; staying home will remind them of what they used to have. Lying in bed for an extra minute will spill forth repressed memories of lazy mornings that used to simmer with kisses and lovemaking and bright-eyed smiles.
So they close their eyes, push it away.
Because neither of them want to lose the memories.
*
They meet coincidentally, at a ramen shop they used to frequent together.
It’s probably not as accidental as they would like it. Ryo has been a frequenter of the place of late, and Ueda can’t say he hasn’t hung out in the area a little too often, hung up in a past of whispered confessions and chaste kisses.
Ryo fiddles with his cup, and Ueda avoids eye contact, rearranging his chopsticks over and over. Their conversation is halted, irregular. How have you been? Fine, how about you? Okay. When their food arrives, they eat quietly, wanting this to be done with but at the same time wishing it would last forever. The bustle of the shop seems so far away from them, like they are two people in a world of their own. That used to feel good, once.
When Ryo leaves nearly half of his food, he lets Ueda finish it. It’s so much like the past that Ryo’s fist clenches on his knee under the table. At that moment he wishes so much to return their time back, back to days when he could reach over and wipe the corner of Ueda’s mouth and laugh at him for it. To days when they would share secret smiles. To days when…
Ryo invites Ueda over for drinks. He expects Ueda to say no, to laugh in that infuriatingly closed-off way he has and to make up an excuse about having an early morning tomorrow. To walk away without looking back once.
It’s hard to believe he has accepted the invitation until they’re both a couple beers in and have moved onto the sake. They don’t know how much they’ve drunk, but there are a lot more empty bottles scattered across the living room than there was an hour ago. Ueda is having trouble with his shelled peanut and has fallen off the couch in the process. Ryo, lying on his side from the other end of the couch watches the spectacle with drunken laziness. He knows he should help Ueda but the way the older man is giggling is kind of fun to watch.
When Ueda knocks over an entire bowl of peanuts Ryo decides he needs to take action and sets his glass of sake down to crawl over and offer his help. Unsurprisingly to anyone but themselves they end up making even bigger of a mess somehow and Ryo sighs. It’s all too much work right now to clean this up.
“Ueda Tatsuya,” Ryo slurs, slouching against the couch and knocking over half his glass of sake. He winces, but leaves it there. “Ueda Tatsuya,” he tries again. “What the hell am I supposed to do with you?”
Ueda has crawled over to sit next to him (on the side not occupied by a puddle of sake). He burrows his head on the crook of Ryo’s shoulder, kisses it.
*
“You’re heavy,” Ryo pants as he drops Ueda on the bed. Ueda pouts up at him, lips red and swollen from their making out session in the living room before Ryo decided he didn’t like spending long periods of time on the living room floor after all.
“’M not heavy. I have muscle. Muscle is heavier than fat.” Ueda giggles, tugs on Ryo’s shirt. “Off.”
And Ryo lets him undress him, lets his shirt be dropped somewhere eover the edge of the bed, lets the nimble fingers unzip his jeans. Because it’s been an eternity, a lifetime (or a little over two months) since he’s last felt those hands against his bare skin and his entire body is hungry, thirsting for the only man who could ever bring him as close to perfection as there ever was.
Ueda reaches over and pushes him on his back, trails a hand down Ryo’s torso and follows after with burning, wet kisses that drive him crazy. Once Ueda has Ryo completely bare, he pauses, stop completely and detaches himself from the other man and Ryo has to bite his lip to not whine at the loss. Ueda kisses him once, short but not any less sweeter, and looks at him in the eye, and Ryo can see through everything, can see all the cracks and fragile bits in his soul and-it hurts, damn it, it fucking hurts-Ueda licks his lips. “Tell me to stop.” He says, kisses the line of Ryo’s jaw, sucks at his earlobe. “Tell me to stop, and I swear I will.”
Ryo entangles his fingers in Ueda’s copper locks, pulls him back so he can look at him properly. As if I could ever push you away. He swallows, kisses Ueda long and hard until they’re dizzy from the overload of senses from each other (or the lack of oxygen). Somehow they manage to undress Ueda together, with fumbling fingers and sloppy kisses and delicious frictions. It’s their drug and the withdrawal’s been too long.
Ryo knocks over the alarm clock while digging out the lube and condom from the table drawer and he thinks he hears something break but Ueda’s hot tongue is fucking rimming him and he’s losing all sanity and it’s good that Ueda takes the damn things from him then because he would’ve dropped them otherwise.
Ueda’s fingers are quick, doesn’t let him relax quite all the way but it’s not like either of them has the patience. And when Ueda pushes in slowly, Ryo closes his eyes against the burn that travels up his spine and grips the other man’s hips when he’s ready. Ueda pulls out before pushing in slowly and gradually picks up speed, hitting that spot and it drives Ryo nearly out of his mind with pleasure, dropping kisses and sucking on Ueda’s collarbone that will definitely leave marks come tomorrow.
He feels the heat pooling up and when he comes it’s so bright it’s blinding, dazzling, and if only this could be eternity. In the background, he feels Ueda loose all rhythm, and then the familiar sensation of warmth, and Ueda pulling out of him afterwards. He turns towards Ueda when he can finally see again, and the older man is beautiful, with damp strands of hair framing eyes fluttering closed in sleep. Ryo can tell he is trying to fight it so he reaches over and pulls the sheets over both of them, kisses Ueda on the nose. The sky is dark and there is no moon to accompany them this night but that’s fine - there’s a brilliant existence right here, next to him.
When he wakes up, the brightest star is lighting the sky, but Ueda isn’t there.
Even the living room is cleaned up, the empty cans and bottles neatly stored in tied-up garbage bags. It’s like there was never a yesterday.
*
Life continues, concert tours and new singles promotions and commuting back and forth and going home to cold beds. The same sun rises and sets, rewind, repeat, play. In the middle of the blur of repetitions, someone (Ryo can’t remember who) tells him to stop it, whatever this is. Can’t you see this is ruining you? And Ryo had wanted to laugh, and wanted to reply, but he was too drained - he’s always to tired nowadays - Can’t you see that would be cutting off my air?
One day, Ueda enters their apartment - could it even be called that anymore? - when he knows Ryo is scheduled to be away in Osaka. He knows - has known - that someone has to do it. He’s been putting it off forever and he only wishes he could for another day. But maybe there won’t be another day, and then everything will freeze, an eternal tableau. He takes the remainder of his things and leaves, this time for good.
The most important part of him is left behind.
Because even if you color my world, baby
There are no love songs
Because even if the warmth of your hand is real
Tomorrow will be the same
end
Characters/Group: Ueda Tatsuya/Nishikido Ryo [KAT-TUN, NEWS]
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They ain't mine.
Word Count: ~1760
Summary: Because even if you color my world, baby
There are no love songs
Notes: Wrote this on a whim over the weekend. Unedited.
It’s breaking them from the inside out, eating their hearts raw leaving nothing but a burning trail of pain. It’s taking them apart, piece by careful piece, until very soon there will be nothing left. Already, they’re at a point very close to their limit, if this isn’t it already. It’s killing them, and there is no saving grace.
But they can’t end it, because that would mean instant death. That would mean pain greater than anything they could ever conceive of. Separation could not equal up to all the all the pain they’ve gone through until now. They can’t end it, no. This is their only way to live.
*
Nowadays it’s almost pointless to talk. Neither of them really bother; all it ever leads to are arguments anyway. Upturned tables and broken picture frames. Behind the shattered glass a snapshot of their smiling faces look on. It’s so easy to forget, nowadays, that such moments even existed. Times when just being near each other was everything, times when it would be painful just not to see each other for half a day, times when a brush of hands in the hallway could be enough.
Nowadays the apartment is more empty than it is not. Ueda stays in his apartment and Ryo doesn’t bother coming back to a place he once called home on most nights, preferring instead to crash at different places every night or work himself to the bone until he can’t feel his limbs from the numbness of his mind.
Ueda throws himself into work vehemently, becoming more of a workaholic by day, pushing to fulfill his dreams (what were they again? He can’t remember), picking up play roles, drama roles that he can’t connect to personally. If he stays still too long, thoughts will come invading so he busies himself, throws himself into anything he can to keep himself busy. He puts on a smile for the cameras, for his friends, for his coworkers. No one suspects a thing, no one imagines what could possibly be going on in his world.
They hate getting days off, tries their hardest to avoid them or fill them up by making appointments with friends. Because staying still is the worst; staying home will remind them of what they used to have. Lying in bed for an extra minute will spill forth repressed memories of lazy mornings that used to simmer with kisses and lovemaking and bright-eyed smiles.
So they close their eyes, push it away.
Because neither of them want to lose the memories.
*
They meet coincidentally, at a ramen shop they used to frequent together.
It’s probably not as accidental as they would like it. Ryo has been a frequenter of the place of late, and Ueda can’t say he hasn’t hung out in the area a little too often, hung up in a past of whispered confessions and chaste kisses.
Ryo fiddles with his cup, and Ueda avoids eye contact, rearranging his chopsticks over and over. Their conversation is halted, irregular. How have you been? Fine, how about you? Okay. When their food arrives, they eat quietly, wanting this to be done with but at the same time wishing it would last forever. The bustle of the shop seems so far away from them, like they are two people in a world of their own. That used to feel good, once.
When Ryo leaves nearly half of his food, he lets Ueda finish it. It’s so much like the past that Ryo’s fist clenches on his knee under the table. At that moment he wishes so much to return their time back, back to days when he could reach over and wipe the corner of Ueda’s mouth and laugh at him for it. To days when they would share secret smiles. To days when…
Ryo invites Ueda over for drinks. He expects Ueda to say no, to laugh in that infuriatingly closed-off way he has and to make up an excuse about having an early morning tomorrow. To walk away without looking back once.
It’s hard to believe he has accepted the invitation until they’re both a couple beers in and have moved onto the sake. They don’t know how much they’ve drunk, but there are a lot more empty bottles scattered across the living room than there was an hour ago. Ueda is having trouble with his shelled peanut and has fallen off the couch in the process. Ryo, lying on his side from the other end of the couch watches the spectacle with drunken laziness. He knows he should help Ueda but the way the older man is giggling is kind of fun to watch.
When Ueda knocks over an entire bowl of peanuts Ryo decides he needs to take action and sets his glass of sake down to crawl over and offer his help. Unsurprisingly to anyone but themselves they end up making even bigger of a mess somehow and Ryo sighs. It’s all too much work right now to clean this up.
“Ueda Tatsuya,” Ryo slurs, slouching against the couch and knocking over half his glass of sake. He winces, but leaves it there. “Ueda Tatsuya,” he tries again. “What the hell am I supposed to do with you?”
Ueda has crawled over to sit next to him (on the side not occupied by a puddle of sake). He burrows his head on the crook of Ryo’s shoulder, kisses it.
*
“You’re heavy,” Ryo pants as he drops Ueda on the bed. Ueda pouts up at him, lips red and swollen from their making out session in the living room before Ryo decided he didn’t like spending long periods of time on the living room floor after all.
“’M not heavy. I have muscle. Muscle is heavier than fat.” Ueda giggles, tugs on Ryo’s shirt. “Off.”
And Ryo lets him undress him, lets his shirt be dropped somewhere eover the edge of the bed, lets the nimble fingers unzip his jeans. Because it’s been an eternity, a lifetime (or a little over two months) since he’s last felt those hands against his bare skin and his entire body is hungry, thirsting for the only man who could ever bring him as close to perfection as there ever was.
Ueda reaches over and pushes him on his back, trails a hand down Ryo’s torso and follows after with burning, wet kisses that drive him crazy. Once Ueda has Ryo completely bare, he pauses, stop completely and detaches himself from the other man and Ryo has to bite his lip to not whine at the loss. Ueda kisses him once, short but not any less sweeter, and looks at him in the eye, and Ryo can see through everything, can see all the cracks and fragile bits in his soul and-it hurts, damn it, it fucking hurts-Ueda licks his lips. “Tell me to stop.” He says, kisses the line of Ryo’s jaw, sucks at his earlobe. “Tell me to stop, and I swear I will.”
Ryo entangles his fingers in Ueda’s copper locks, pulls him back so he can look at him properly. As if I could ever push you away. He swallows, kisses Ueda long and hard until they’re dizzy from the overload of senses from each other (or the lack of oxygen). Somehow they manage to undress Ueda together, with fumbling fingers and sloppy kisses and delicious frictions. It’s their drug and the withdrawal’s been too long.
Ryo knocks over the alarm clock while digging out the lube and condom from the table drawer and he thinks he hears something break but Ueda’s hot tongue is fucking rimming him and he’s losing all sanity and it’s good that Ueda takes the damn things from him then because he would’ve dropped them otherwise.
Ueda’s fingers are quick, doesn’t let him relax quite all the way but it’s not like either of them has the patience. And when Ueda pushes in slowly, Ryo closes his eyes against the burn that travels up his spine and grips the other man’s hips when he’s ready. Ueda pulls out before pushing in slowly and gradually picks up speed, hitting that spot and it drives Ryo nearly out of his mind with pleasure, dropping kisses and sucking on Ueda’s collarbone that will definitely leave marks come tomorrow.
He feels the heat pooling up and when he comes it’s so bright it’s blinding, dazzling, and if only this could be eternity. In the background, he feels Ueda loose all rhythm, and then the familiar sensation of warmth, and Ueda pulling out of him afterwards. He turns towards Ueda when he can finally see again, and the older man is beautiful, with damp strands of hair framing eyes fluttering closed in sleep. Ryo can tell he is trying to fight it so he reaches over and pulls the sheets over both of them, kisses Ueda on the nose. The sky is dark and there is no moon to accompany them this night but that’s fine - there’s a brilliant existence right here, next to him.
When he wakes up, the brightest star is lighting the sky, but Ueda isn’t there.
Even the living room is cleaned up, the empty cans and bottles neatly stored in tied-up garbage bags. It’s like there was never a yesterday.
*
Life continues, concert tours and new singles promotions and commuting back and forth and going home to cold beds. The same sun rises and sets, rewind, repeat, play. In the middle of the blur of repetitions, someone (Ryo can’t remember who) tells him to stop it, whatever this is. Can’t you see this is ruining you? And Ryo had wanted to laugh, and wanted to reply, but he was too drained - he’s always to tired nowadays - Can’t you see that would be cutting off my air?
One day, Ueda enters their apartment - could it even be called that anymore? - when he knows Ryo is scheduled to be away in Osaka. He knows - has known - that someone has to do it. He’s been putting it off forever and he only wishes he could for another day. But maybe there won’t be another day, and then everything will freeze, an eternal tableau. He takes the remainder of his things and leaves, this time for good.
The most important part of him is left behind.
Because even if you color my world, baby
There are no love songs
Because even if the warmth of your hand is real
Tomorrow will be the same
end