Fic: The Last of the Unplucked Gems (Part One)

[toxic_apiaceae]

Written for brigits_flame 's Main contest week one prompt of "tragically hip".  I reeeeeally skated in at the last second on this, and I'm not at all pleased.  Believe it or not, this is only HALF the story I'd wanted to write, but the story was too much for LJ's posting limits to take ... so I had to cut it.  And because of that, I'm now compelled to write a

Comments

[keppiehed]

The beginning description put me in mind of the Brassies from Xanth, if you ever read those novels, and your eye-patch wearing pirate cat was reminiscent of the one from "The Last Unicorn". I only say this as the highest form of compliment, that you could make me think of the best that fantasy has to offer out there. Well done, and good luck to you!

[toxic_apiaceae]

I actually haven't even heard of the Brassies from Xanth, but now I'm definitely curious! To be honest, I got the concept of a metal town off of this one commercial for bladder control where everything they show, from people to pets to homes, are made up of plumbing pipes and such. *GRINS*

Thanks, keppie! And good luck to you, too!

[blythe025]

Awesomesauce. This was a lot of fun to read. I love the name of the town. I love the house over the side of the cliff. And I really love Boots and Hearts.

I also like the direct, to-the-point nature of your writing style here. It serves the playful nature of the story. However, in some places, especially in the first few paragraphs, it can come off as a bit choppy and distracting (I'm actually thinking of paragraph 5 about the names, specifically).

I love this little aside: "Not for the first time, the sun wished that he hadn’t gone and pissed off the rainclouds a few months back. He wanted nothing more than for that metal bastard to rust out so that he could go about waking the town."
It made me smile.

A couple of problem spots (for me) that made me stop while reading:
"Children also lived in this town. Several children, actually."
The second sentence seemed redundant and unnecessary to me. "Children" is clear enough to imply that there would be several or more of them.

"Just as much as no one would think someone’s house

[toxic_apiaceae]

Ahhhh, blythe you have a VERY keen eye! Thank you for the concrit. The bit about the cliff... I'd read it over and thought it seemed off, but I couldn't quite pinpoint why. You're right; it really ISN'T a complete sentence. Thanks for pointing that out!

[blythe025]

You are most welcome. :)

[toxic_apiaceae]

Haha! Yeah, it IS a little long, so I don't blame you for leaving off.

This actually isn't very much like my usual style, to be honest. It has some elements of it, but for the most part it's something kinda new for me.

Thanks for reading what you could of it!

[eyedsofmarch]

The Hundredth Meridian. Boots and Hearts. Bobcaygeon.

My little guy (oh, some 13 years ago) beat out the Bobcaygeon minor tykes and hoisted the trophy up over his head as captian of a Tri-County Championship team. My character is heading toward the hundredth meridian, where the great plains begin. You know what FEEL this story has? It reminds me of Andy playing in Toy Story 3 - well, the toys memory of how Andy played with them anyway. Too many of us forget how to play like that. I wonder if the Wheat Kings are ruling over Impossibilium?

Fingers and toes, fingers and toes, the forty things we share, forty-one if you include, the fact that we don't care.

Hip fans noticed.

Amazing as always Toxic One. Cheers, Bravo, all that - you know you're awesome.

[toxic_apiaceae]

HAHA!! Thank you very much, eyeds! Your comment certainly brought a grin to my face. And I'm very glad it has that child-like, gleeful feeling to it. That's exactly what I was aiming for.