Brigits Flame: Week Two

[toxic_apiaceae]

Alright, here we go for week two.  Overall, I am MUCH happier with this week's entry.  It's long and it's still setting the stage for the main action ... but I'm pretty glad with how it turned out, and the prompt take is MUCH better.

This is a continuation of the Boots & Hearts story from week one, but you don't necessarily need to read it to get

Comments

[liliy]

*snuggles Boots* You're doing the right thing kid! Ignore them and they go away. xD Or get an adult! Smart child. *nods sagely*

Loved him being scared out of his mind by Hearts. XD Especially how long he kept referring to her as a monster.

Got a little slow on his trip to Cherub Hill though (I found myself wanting to skim), but it picked up there at the end. :)

Definitely a couple of cuties. *snuggles*

[toxic_apiaceae]

Haha! Yeah, that slow bit actually used to have this epic chase scene where Bobby Snosgrove jumped off the bus and went after him, but I cut it out because the whole thing pushed me to almost 9/10 pages. I MIGHT still rewrite it back in though, because you're in that the pacing drags forever at that part.

[chuck_the_plant]

Hi! I'm your volunteer editor for the week! My suggestions are in brackets.

"...and those[the] kids who weren’t being picked up by their parents were hurrying to find [their buses] which bus was theirs." The original way sort of sounds like all the kids ride one huge bus!

"...did his best to avoid the obstacles of roots [and] brambles, but..." 'And' without the comma helps the sentence flow, I think.

"...the owner[s] should he see them, Boots..." Pluarlizing singulars, something I am terribly guilty of!

"Are there slippermen on[or] scree?!" Is this supposed to say or instead of on? Slippermen and scree are described as two different things, so it seems to fit.

Great story! Yet another adventure of Boots and Hearts. I love the childrens' loose grip on reality and how that translates into the storytelling, leaving the reader to decide with is truth and what is fiction in their world. Lots of fun!

[toxic_apiaceae]

Oh, um... I hadn't actually signed up for edits at all.

RE: Long Bus

Hmmm... I hadn't thought about them riding one ginormous bus before. *grins* I actually kinda like that idea, so good mistake for me and excellent editing catch for you. Thanks!

RE: Slippermen

Since Boots had said earlier "a colony of slippermen riding on the scree" I meant "on" instead of "or", but I rather like your edit better.

Thank you very much for coming by for an edit, even if I'm fairly certain I didn't sign up for one. I appreciate the time and effort you put into reading such a freakin' long piece. Thanks!

[chuck_the_plant]

Whoops! I thought you were one of the volunteer edits this week! I must have read something wrong. Oh, well; I hope it helped, anyway! :)

[toxic_apiaceae]

Haha! It's all good, no worries! And yes, it was very helpful to have you come through. I know from past editing how difficult it can be to go through the REALLY LONG pieces, so I truly appreciate the effort you put into it. Thank you!