Fight For Independence; My Declaration of Sentiments
The last few days have been very eventful. It's been very hard for me but I always seem to amaze myself. Everybody gather around for I will probably write the most emotional journal entry ever . . .
Lubos and I broke up. Yes, a very sudden end to a relatively beautiful relationship. How this happened? Well, to me at least it was a very unexpected. During the last couple of weeks we had been getting into many quarrels. We fought about many things, both at fault because of our unique personalities. I was getting unhappy and I went through my mood swings and finally I expressed my feelings about the current state of our relationship. I had told him that I was unhappy . . I don't know where he took that. We've had gone through this kind of problem in our relationship several times (around 3) during the time of our relationship. Anyway, around three days before our relationship ended we did not see each other. We had a stupid fight during that time period . . . again due to my moodyness I escalated the fight further. We "resolved" it (but not really). To me it was resolved. To him I guess it was the last straw.
On Monday (the last day of our relationship), I've had gone through a great day. At work, everything went so well, and I was very happy. I was ready to burry the hatchet and say sorry for being a moody bitch. I went online, and went downstairs to prepare some Ice tea and to clean up after the dog. I was gonna IM him to tell him that I was gonna come over. When I came back online there was a long IM. It was by Lubos. It was a message that shocked me and was soo traumatic. I was not expecting it. Basically, Lubos wrote to me a short, succint message that said it was best for both of us to go our seperate ways.
At first I couldn't believe I was reading that . . and I read it over and over . . My first AutoPsychological Immune response was to get him out of my life. I packed his things and I said I wanted to give it to him as soon as possible but that couldn't be arranged so we had to do it next morning. That night was a numbing. I felt NOTHING . . . I was sooo shocked. I couldn't believe it. I didn't save the letter, my AutoPsychological Immune Response made me quickly close the IM window. But I remember a few things that made hell for me the next two days. It said that our relationship had become boring and two other adjectives that I don't remember. It also said that both of us wanted to break up but that I didn't have the initiative to do it so he stepped up. The letter itself was shameful to me because it was done on the internet.
I had no idea he had stopped loving me to actually break up with me. I mean, I know things were going downhill, but I thought we were gonna work them out as we always have. I guess he gave up. To be honest with you, the thought of breaking up had run through my mind, however I never wanted to actually do it because I know I did not want to. It was just a normal thought because human nature always tries to find a quick easy way out. But I didn't want that, I wanted to continue. I wanted him to be there for my birthday and for my first day of college and for as long as we could both be happy. But he never told me he was sick and tired of me, I never knew that he was bored of me. I never knew that he stopped loving me to break up with me. He never sat me down and had a discussion about it. He just did it and didn't want to spare me the surprise. It was heart breaking. It shows goes to show you how much he cared. He just wanted to do away with me. He just kept his feelings to himself, something I at least expressed to him freely.
I felt numb that Monday night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe that Lubos and I were no more. I was in shock and disbelief. I was just thinking so much, scrambled thoughts running through my head at the speed of light, thinking why this had happened. The day Lubos and I exchanged belongings was when it finally hit me. I came to his house, and I gave him his things. He looked for my things and that's about it. We didn't talk about what had happened. It was such a striking change. Things had been so different three days before . . . I couldn't believe how it all had changed so fast. I wanted to break down right there . . . I wanted to cry, to just fucking make the world feel my pain but nothing came out! I wanted to say something, I wanted to ask why? I wanted to say I still love you, I wanted to say so many things, but nothing came out. I had a blank face. The last thing we said to each other was "Have a great time in college" and "Have a great life" . . . then we shaked hands and I left. It was after that door shut when my waterworks began. I was crying so much and I was hurting so much . . . it felt like as if a mystical divine battle between Lubos and I was going on in my heart for control and Lubos won and used his power for evil and opened a GIANT blackhole sucking up everything in there. It was soooo painful literally. I had hormones running all over me and my throat hurt so much and I cried and cried and I was destroyed. The blackhole that Lubos opened sucked everything in for the next two days. Work, which is very fun was numbing and I had to go to the bathroom to cry a few times and my usual fun visits with my mom turned solemn and depressed. I felt as if the world had ended and I felt so lonely. It was a very confusing, painful and heartbreaking time for me.
This continued for the following two days. My plan to deal with Lubos was to forget him and to never ever see him again. To just avoid ever seeing him again, to forget him and try to go on with my life. But I know I can't do that. On Wednesday, while I was running in Victory field listening to SOCA music I had epiphany! It was sooooo Enlightening! After two days of intensive thinking I realized that Lubos and I were over. That I had to grow up and grow out of my immature expressions of emotions and to be a man about it and LET GO. The way I deal with things is sort of immature. I realized that I'm a hypocrite because I preach to people to be open and ready for any kind of emotions whether harshly depressing or extremely happy and I'm not doing that. By avoiding Lubos and "forgetting" *cough cough* repressing *cough cough* my feelings about him, I would just go through a cycle of depressions and unhappy times. By avoiding him I'm just gonna isolate myself because I'll probably eventually bump into him someday. So why make him a stranger? Even though it's over, I can't deny that I still love him but eventually it will go away. I have to confront my feelings! My mother told me that time will eventually heal me. If he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't want me anymore then I will have to deal with it with maturity and reason. I know that i'm still hurt but it was his decision and I must respect it. If he was unhappy with me and that's why he broke up with me then well good luck to him. I love him and I want him to be happy, I wouldn't want to hinder his happiness and so I must let go.
With this epiphany, I think I doubled my maturity level. I realized that I have to stop being stubborn, moody, and super submissive. It's what led to me being dumped! Maybe it was another reason but for now I must assume the above. I have to stop critically thinking about things and just look at them as they are. I think too much and sometimes that is not good. I must learn to make fun of myself and I have to assert some power into my future relationships. In my relationship with Lubos, Lubos was the sun and I was a little planet. My world was him, I allowed my world to be burnt by his powerful rays. My friendships were put on hold and everything was Lubos. It was my fault for allowing myself to do that. That leads me to another thing I shouldn't do . . . I should stop being super-dependant on people's praises and emotions towards me. I need to network and find new friends, people I can fall on when something like this happens. Before, Lubos was my safety-net and everyday it was like I jumped off a plane and planned to land on him but when he broke up with me that safety net was pulled away and I fell and broke into pieces. That won't happen again.
So I have come into terms that Lubos and I are over. After the Epiphany on Wednesday, I'm a new person. I have taken back my heart and defeated the goliath that was Lubos. I vaporized the blackhole that he created and made a smaller, but effective blackhole to clean the mess he created with the break up (I love speaking in figurative language). It will take time. What remains in my heart deeply marked is the love I have for him which will take a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time to go away and the precious memories that I have of him and cherish everyday I live. I wish it hadn't ended like this (or ended at all). I feel sooo sad about the way he ended the relationship; with a crummy letter over the internet which he probably wrote while he was working. We never had a discussion about it, he never told me he stopped loving me, he didn't say anything. It was only SILENCE. Again, I had a few plans for us . . like him being there for my birthday and for my first day of college and for us to do fun things (since I would have lots of money now) but I guess it wasn't meant to be. The only thing I wish would have happened was for this relationship to end peacefully, calmly and without any of us getting overwhelmingly hurt . . to have SOME KIND OF CLOSURE. To had at least discussed it face to face but it wasn't. It ended with a crummy letter and with rushing speed. I got hurt terribly and who knows what he felt. I wish (and still wish) I knew what he was feeling. I wish I knew so much . . . but again it wasn't meant to be. It's over now and I respect his decision. I love him very much and I wouldn't want him to be unhappy with me so I wish him the best of luck. But I still wish I really knew "WHY?" . . .
As for Lubos and I being friends . . . . . personally I would like to be friends with him. I'm a new person now, and I know I can deal with whatever feelings I have for him. However, I guess that would be up to him. One thing that I would STILL not do is look for him. He ended the relationship, clearly stating that he didn't want to see me anymore so it's his job to either keep me as his friend or just forget about me. It's only fair after the way he ended the relationship. I will cooperate with him as much as possible and assert enthusiasm to whatever he is willing to do with me. I respect whatever decision he makes and I have the power and confidence to deal with whatever happens in the future.
Anyway, my future plans are to get involved! I'm gonna have to get out there and court some friends! I won't be looking for a boyfriend, just some damn friends and I will fucking keep it that way dammit! I have already began to lose my "happy" pounds that I gained while with Lubos. Since I lost my appetite after my break up and I began exercising, it won't be that hard. I want to repair old friendships and just try as much as possible to get myself out there. I have to try to be as happy as possible, only then will I begin to forget my bad feelings and the process of healing will begin. Once I get paid, its time to go shopping! Once thats done I'll go everywhere and explore what's out there. I hope everything works out for me. I don't want to be lonely for my birthday again! I'm sooooo tired of that. But whatever happens, will happen and I'm ready for it. I've grown and endured so much in the past few days . . . . . It's time to leave old resentments in the past and start my future! This is my Declaration of Sentiments! Time to be independent! It's time to move on and start a new! >.<
Okay so enough about my break up. I have only a few things to say. I started working on July 5th and I love my job! I work at a summer camp in East Elmhurst. I love the kids and my assistant Manager! I can't believe its actual work . . . I play tag, run around with the kids, play cards and do all fun things and I get paid for it. I will be getting paid this Wednesday, for two weeks of work. It will be around 300 dollars. So yay! I get along with my co-workers and I have a platonic crush on one of my co-workers called Stephanie! She is soo cool! I lover her! She is funny and loud and for some reason I feel happy when I'm around her. Blah, don't get me wrong here . . I DON'T have a crush crush on her . . eww she's a girl and I don't go that way because I'm gay but her aura is sooo attractive, I feel soo happy around her. Oh! I got a new AOHELL account. I was gonna get Earthlink but I was too impatient to wait a week for them to come so I'm like I'll have to get AOL again. I have a new screen name but I'm still using ToxicHannible87 since it's such a cool screen name to me. You all can IM if you want. Anyway, I guess that's it. I have more to say but I wrote so much, my hand hurts. SO thats it.
By the way, I'm gonna cut my friends list down . . . it's too big and I can't keep up with all of them. If you don't like me just un-add me and if you want me to keep you just comment so I could know you care. Anyway, good bye you guys. Thanks for reading!
Lubos and I broke up. Yes, a very sudden end to a relatively beautiful relationship. How this happened? Well, to me at least it was a very unexpected. During the last couple of weeks we had been getting into many quarrels. We fought about many things, both at fault because of our unique personalities. I was getting unhappy and I went through my mood swings and finally I expressed my feelings about the current state of our relationship. I had told him that I was unhappy . . I don't know where he took that. We've had gone through this kind of problem in our relationship several times (around 3) during the time of our relationship. Anyway, around three days before our relationship ended we did not see each other. We had a stupid fight during that time period . . . again due to my moodyness I escalated the fight further. We "resolved" it (but not really). To me it was resolved. To him I guess it was the last straw.
On Monday (the last day of our relationship), I've had gone through a great day. At work, everything went so well, and I was very happy. I was ready to burry the hatchet and say sorry for being a moody bitch. I went online, and went downstairs to prepare some Ice tea and to clean up after the dog. I was gonna IM him to tell him that I was gonna come over. When I came back online there was a long IM. It was by Lubos. It was a message that shocked me and was soo traumatic. I was not expecting it. Basically, Lubos wrote to me a short, succint message that said it was best for both of us to go our seperate ways.
At first I couldn't believe I was reading that . . and I read it over and over . . My first AutoPsychological Immune response was to get him out of my life. I packed his things and I said I wanted to give it to him as soon as possible but that couldn't be arranged so we had to do it next morning. That night was a numbing. I felt NOTHING . . . I was sooo shocked. I couldn't believe it. I didn't save the letter, my AutoPsychological Immune Response made me quickly close the IM window. But I remember a few things that made hell for me the next two days. It said that our relationship had become boring and two other adjectives that I don't remember. It also said that both of us wanted to break up but that I didn't have the initiative to do it so he stepped up. The letter itself was shameful to me because it was done on the internet.
I had no idea he had stopped loving me to actually break up with me. I mean, I know things were going downhill, but I thought we were gonna work them out as we always have. I guess he gave up. To be honest with you, the thought of breaking up had run through my mind, however I never wanted to actually do it because I know I did not want to. It was just a normal thought because human nature always tries to find a quick easy way out. But I didn't want that, I wanted to continue. I wanted him to be there for my birthday and for my first day of college and for as long as we could both be happy. But he never told me he was sick and tired of me, I never knew that he was bored of me. I never knew that he stopped loving me to break up with me. He never sat me down and had a discussion about it. He just did it and didn't want to spare me the surprise. It was heart breaking. It shows goes to show you how much he cared. He just wanted to do away with me. He just kept his feelings to himself, something I at least expressed to him freely.
I felt numb that Monday night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe that Lubos and I were no more. I was in shock and disbelief. I was just thinking so much, scrambled thoughts running through my head at the speed of light, thinking why this had happened. The day Lubos and I exchanged belongings was when it finally hit me. I came to his house, and I gave him his things. He looked for my things and that's about it. We didn't talk about what had happened. It was such a striking change. Things had been so different three days before . . . I couldn't believe how it all had changed so fast. I wanted to break down right there . . . I wanted to cry, to just fucking make the world feel my pain but nothing came out! I wanted to say something, I wanted to ask why? I wanted to say I still love you, I wanted to say so many things, but nothing came out. I had a blank face. The last thing we said to each other was "Have a great time in college" and "Have a great life" . . . then we shaked hands and I left. It was after that door shut when my waterworks began. I was crying so much and I was hurting so much . . . it felt like as if a mystical divine battle between Lubos and I was going on in my heart for control and Lubos won and used his power for evil and opened a GIANT blackhole sucking up everything in there. It was soooo painful literally. I had hormones running all over me and my throat hurt so much and I cried and cried and I was destroyed. The blackhole that Lubos opened sucked everything in for the next two days. Work, which is very fun was numbing and I had to go to the bathroom to cry a few times and my usual fun visits with my mom turned solemn and depressed. I felt as if the world had ended and I felt so lonely. It was a very confusing, painful and heartbreaking time for me.
This continued for the following two days. My plan to deal with Lubos was to forget him and to never ever see him again. To just avoid ever seeing him again, to forget him and try to go on with my life. But I know I can't do that. On Wednesday, while I was running in Victory field listening to SOCA music I had epiphany! It was sooooo Enlightening! After two days of intensive thinking I realized that Lubos and I were over. That I had to grow up and grow out of my immature expressions of emotions and to be a man about it and LET GO. The way I deal with things is sort of immature. I realized that I'm a hypocrite because I preach to people to be open and ready for any kind of emotions whether harshly depressing or extremely happy and I'm not doing that. By avoiding Lubos and "forgetting" *cough cough* repressing *cough cough* my feelings about him, I would just go through a cycle of depressions and unhappy times. By avoiding him I'm just gonna isolate myself because I'll probably eventually bump into him someday. So why make him a stranger? Even though it's over, I can't deny that I still love him but eventually it will go away. I have to confront my feelings! My mother told me that time will eventually heal me. If he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't want me anymore then I will have to deal with it with maturity and reason. I know that i'm still hurt but it was his decision and I must respect it. If he was unhappy with me and that's why he broke up with me then well good luck to him. I love him and I want him to be happy, I wouldn't want to hinder his happiness and so I must let go.
With this epiphany, I think I doubled my maturity level. I realized that I have to stop being stubborn, moody, and super submissive. It's what led to me being dumped! Maybe it was another reason but for now I must assume the above. I have to stop critically thinking about things and just look at them as they are. I think too much and sometimes that is not good. I must learn to make fun of myself and I have to assert some power into my future relationships. In my relationship with Lubos, Lubos was the sun and I was a little planet. My world was him, I allowed my world to be burnt by his powerful rays. My friendships were put on hold and everything was Lubos. It was my fault for allowing myself to do that. That leads me to another thing I shouldn't do . . . I should stop being super-dependant on people's praises and emotions towards me. I need to network and find new friends, people I can fall on when something like this happens. Before, Lubos was my safety-net and everyday it was like I jumped off a plane and planned to land on him but when he broke up with me that safety net was pulled away and I fell and broke into pieces. That won't happen again.
So I have come into terms that Lubos and I are over. After the Epiphany on Wednesday, I'm a new person. I have taken back my heart and defeated the goliath that was Lubos. I vaporized the blackhole that he created and made a smaller, but effective blackhole to clean the mess he created with the break up (I love speaking in figurative language). It will take time. What remains in my heart deeply marked is the love I have for him which will take a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time to go away and the precious memories that I have of him and cherish everyday I live. I wish it hadn't ended like this (or ended at all). I feel sooo sad about the way he ended the relationship; with a crummy letter over the internet which he probably wrote while he was working. We never had a discussion about it, he never told me he stopped loving me, he didn't say anything. It was only SILENCE. Again, I had a few plans for us . . like him being there for my birthday and for my first day of college and for us to do fun things (since I would have lots of money now) but I guess it wasn't meant to be. The only thing I wish would have happened was for this relationship to end peacefully, calmly and without any of us getting overwhelmingly hurt . . to have SOME KIND OF CLOSURE. To had at least discussed it face to face but it wasn't. It ended with a crummy letter and with rushing speed. I got hurt terribly and who knows what he felt. I wish (and still wish) I knew what he was feeling. I wish I knew so much . . . but again it wasn't meant to be. It's over now and I respect his decision. I love him very much and I wouldn't want him to be unhappy with me so I wish him the best of luck. But I still wish I really knew "WHY?" . . .
As for Lubos and I being friends . . . . . personally I would like to be friends with him. I'm a new person now, and I know I can deal with whatever feelings I have for him. However, I guess that would be up to him. One thing that I would STILL not do is look for him. He ended the relationship, clearly stating that he didn't want to see me anymore so it's his job to either keep me as his friend or just forget about me. It's only fair after the way he ended the relationship. I will cooperate with him as much as possible and assert enthusiasm to whatever he is willing to do with me. I respect whatever decision he makes and I have the power and confidence to deal with whatever happens in the future.
Anyway, my future plans are to get involved! I'm gonna have to get out there and court some friends! I won't be looking for a boyfriend, just some damn friends and I will fucking keep it that way dammit! I have already began to lose my "happy" pounds that I gained while with Lubos. Since I lost my appetite after my break up and I began exercising, it won't be that hard. I want to repair old friendships and just try as much as possible to get myself out there. I have to try to be as happy as possible, only then will I begin to forget my bad feelings and the process of healing will begin. Once I get paid, its time to go shopping! Once thats done I'll go everywhere and explore what's out there. I hope everything works out for me. I don't want to be lonely for my birthday again! I'm sooooo tired of that. But whatever happens, will happen and I'm ready for it. I've grown and endured so much in the past few days . . . . . It's time to leave old resentments in the past and start my future! This is my Declaration of Sentiments! Time to be independent! It's time to move on and start a new! >.<
Okay so enough about my break up. I have only a few things to say. I started working on July 5th and I love my job! I work at a summer camp in East Elmhurst. I love the kids and my assistant Manager! I can't believe its actual work . . . I play tag, run around with the kids, play cards and do all fun things and I get paid for it. I will be getting paid this Wednesday, for two weeks of work. It will be around 300 dollars. So yay! I get along with my co-workers and I have a platonic crush on one of my co-workers called Stephanie! She is soo cool! I lover her! She is funny and loud and for some reason I feel happy when I'm around her. Blah, don't get me wrong here . . I DON'T have a crush crush on her . . eww she's a girl and I don't go that way because I'm gay but her aura is sooo attractive, I feel soo happy around her. Oh! I got a new AOHELL account. I was gonna get Earthlink but I was too impatient to wait a week for them to come so I'm like I'll have to get AOL again. I have a new screen name but I'm still using ToxicHannible87 since it's such a cool screen name to me. You all can IM if you want. Anyway, I guess that's it. I have more to say but I wrote so much, my hand hurts. SO thats it.
By the way, I'm gonna cut my friends list down . . . it's too big and I can't keep up with all of them. If you don't like me just un-add me and if you want me to keep you just comment so I could know you care. Anyway, good bye you guys. Thanks for reading!