Ah, life...
The worst thing that one wishes upon another is
The only constance in life is change. I've been through quite a few changes in life lately: intellectually, emotionally, physically, and socially.
This may have been a long time coming; I finally realize that I have a brain/mind that works in ways that others don't. This sounds cliche, but it's both a blessing and a curse. I see solutions where others don't, but I also problems where others don't give a damn.
As a person, I certainly am not as bittered or as cynical as I used to be. In fact, I now have come to accept reality, or at least, my perception of reality. Life has not been a smooth road, but I do what I can to negotiate through those obstacles. My hope is that I won't hinder myself as I have done in the past.
In fact, my current physique is a result of my new/mature approach to life. Instead of being anxious and not deal with my inadequacy, I went ahead and put in the necessary hard work to develop myself. I have not reached to a stage that I want, but I certainly have become a more confident person. The first 3 changes have reinforced ea other; dare I say, they are synergistic!
Of course, the last one is my ongoing drama, the on-again off-again relationship with ccup. We fell in love with ea other at the weak moment in our lives. Through the years, we have grown together; for better or worst, I think it has been a learning experience.
Since that crisis with MS, I feel our relationship has skidded onto rough terrain. Some relationships are meant to last for a few dates, others a few months, and in our case, a few years. Of course, if I were fortunate enough, I would end up with a relationship that will last a life time.
Some things are meant to be, and some are not. I was a bit naive when we first started. My dream were for us to grow together through this critical stage in our lives. And through this stage, we will develop strong bond that will bind us together for the rest of our lives. But as time went on, I discover that she is, for the lack of tactful description, opening herself up for the highest bidder.
Maybe I'm still reluctant to admit reality in this regard, I certainly am not looking for a trophy gf/wife. I am looking for a devoted/committed partner who I can trust and rely upon; of course, the reverse is true as well. I don't want to deal with the drama of yanking ea other's chain to see what kind of response we can elicit from ea other. The past 4 years have been this way; I feel that she pulled one stunt after another to see whether she can rise out of me. Whether what she did was intentional (with malice?) or instinctual (from her upbringing), I don't think it matters that much when she knows, deep down, that I am not that kind of drama king to thrive her (self-induced?) tumultuous world. In some ways, I think she is doing that more than usual nowadays to drive me away; is it because that's just how she is or she is doing the best she could to "save" me from her? Who knows? And should I?
Anyway, I think that's enough self-reflection for today.
The only constance in life is change. I've been through quite a few changes in life lately: intellectually, emotionally, physically, and socially.
This may have been a long time coming; I finally realize that I have a brain/mind that works in ways that others don't. This sounds cliche, but it's both a blessing and a curse. I see solutions where others don't, but I also problems where others don't give a damn.
As a person, I certainly am not as bittered or as cynical as I used to be. In fact, I now have come to accept reality, or at least, my perception of reality. Life has not been a smooth road, but I do what I can to negotiate through those obstacles. My hope is that I won't hinder myself as I have done in the past.
In fact, my current physique is a result of my new/mature approach to life. Instead of being anxious and not deal with my inadequacy, I went ahead and put in the necessary hard work to develop myself. I have not reached to a stage that I want, but I certainly have become a more confident person. The first 3 changes have reinforced ea other; dare I say, they are synergistic!
Of course, the last one is my ongoing drama, the on-again off-again relationship with ccup. We fell in love with ea other at the weak moment in our lives. Through the years, we have grown together; for better or worst, I think it has been a learning experience.
Since that crisis with MS, I feel our relationship has skidded onto rough terrain. Some relationships are meant to last for a few dates, others a few months, and in our case, a few years. Of course, if I were fortunate enough, I would end up with a relationship that will last a life time.
Some things are meant to be, and some are not. I was a bit naive when we first started. My dream were for us to grow together through this critical stage in our lives. And through this stage, we will develop strong bond that will bind us together for the rest of our lives. But as time went on, I discover that she is, for the lack of tactful description, opening herself up for the highest bidder.
Maybe I'm still reluctant to admit reality in this regard, I certainly am not looking for a trophy gf/wife. I am looking for a devoted/committed partner who I can trust and rely upon; of course, the reverse is true as well. I don't want to deal with the drama of yanking ea other's chain to see what kind of response we can elicit from ea other. The past 4 years have been this way; I feel that she pulled one stunt after another to see whether she can rise out of me. Whether what she did was intentional (with malice?) or instinctual (from her upbringing), I don't think it matters that much when she knows, deep down, that I am not that kind of drama king to thrive her (self-induced?) tumultuous world. In some ways, I think she is doing that more than usual nowadays to drive me away; is it because that's just how she is or she is doing the best she could to "save" me from her? Who knows? And should I?
Anyway, I think that's enough self-reflection for today.