[IC (Rynlan)]
This isn't working. Not like it did the last time, anyway, it's proving next to impossible to just set it aside and if I don't do something about this-- I don't know.
The situation is different.
Last time I at least had other things to occupy myself with, plenty to adjust to, and when they sent me home I had all the distraction I needed there. It didn't truly blunt the edge of it so much as it just covered up the sharpness, I'm realizing that now that it's exposed, but-- it worked, at the time. Until she brought it all back to the surface.
This time I don't have much to focus on besides this place, this whole situation, and none of it is exactly a preferable thing to think about. I knew what I wanted to happen, then. I knew I wanted to bury it and get on with things, I had that much to look forward to, and now I'm not honestly sure what I really want.
...partly true. I do know some of the things I want. The trouble is that they're not so likely, this time.
I want this all behind me, I want to move on from it instead of being stuck here, I want to put it firmly enough in the past that it's no longer a thing to dwell upon. I want out, I want to go home or at least somewhere that's not here, I want my cat back. I want someone to share my time with who isn't just going to find the thought of my company utterly repulsive once they find out about all of this. I want to stop waking to thoughts of this in the middle of the night or, at the very least, to stop doing so alone. I want to get over this, deal with it this time so this never happens again.
I want to be able to face my own reflection.
They're there, I know the scars are all there, and much as I try to keep them hidden I know that others are aware of them too. Never to the same extent, they never see them, but I know when they've felt them. When their hands pause for a moment before continuing on, when they're suddenly much more hesitant. It's impossible not to know they're there, even in the dark.
I still don't like to see them, although I feel them too. There's a difference between just being aware of something's presence and being confronted with it, knowing what it looks like-- fel, even without having to see them I don't like to see myself, that time I borrowed Teaghue's eyes it was like looking at someone else entirely. I know I'm not the same as I remember myself being.
I should stop trying to be.
I should probably talk to her, next time.
The situation is different.
Last time I at least had other things to occupy myself with, plenty to adjust to, and when they sent me home I had all the distraction I needed there. It didn't truly blunt the edge of it so much as it just covered up the sharpness, I'm realizing that now that it's exposed, but-- it worked, at the time. Until she brought it all back to the surface.
This time I don't have much to focus on besides this place, this whole situation, and none of it is exactly a preferable thing to think about. I knew what I wanted to happen, then. I knew I wanted to bury it and get on with things, I had that much to look forward to, and now I'm not honestly sure what I really want.
...partly true. I do know some of the things I want. The trouble is that they're not so likely, this time.
I want this all behind me, I want to move on from it instead of being stuck here, I want to put it firmly enough in the past that it's no longer a thing to dwell upon. I want out, I want to go home or at least somewhere that's not here, I want my cat back. I want someone to share my time with who isn't just going to find the thought of my company utterly repulsive once they find out about all of this. I want to stop waking to thoughts of this in the middle of the night or, at the very least, to stop doing so alone. I want to get over this, deal with it this time so this never happens again.
I want to be able to face my own reflection.
They're there, I know the scars are all there, and much as I try to keep them hidden I know that others are aware of them too. Never to the same extent, they never see them, but I know when they've felt them. When their hands pause for a moment before continuing on, when they're suddenly much more hesitant. It's impossible not to know they're there, even in the dark.
I still don't like to see them, although I feel them too. There's a difference between just being aware of something's presence and being confronted with it, knowing what it looks like-- fel, even without having to see them I don't like to see myself, that time I borrowed Teaghue's eyes it was like looking at someone else entirely. I know I'm not the same as I remember myself being.
I should stop trying to be.
I should probably talk to her, next time.