[IC (Rynlan)]
I feel like I've had the same conversation a hundred times by now.
Always 'what do you want to do after this' and 'where are you going to go from here' and 'what will you do with your life', and I've never had much of an answer to any of those besides 'I'll figure it out when I'm out of here'.
I've been realizing lately how much I miss the Argents, though.
It's not only the work I did for them, though I did prefer it to my current options, nor the specific people I worked with so much as... fel, I don't know. I never have been one for the usual philosophies about the Light, but I preferred their purposes and their company to that of the Horde in general-- this is going to be a page to be burned, isn't it, that's the last sort of sentiment I need any of them coming across should they decide to go through this.
I remain loyal to my own people, in spirit at least, but the rest of them... I still can't trust that the Forsaken aren't just a more terrible version of the Scourge they used to be, under the surface. They may have their own will but they're still dead- I know they weren't themselves then, that it wasn't a matter of choice, but give a creature like that its will back and it will be capable of coming up with still more awful things. I saw Hillsbrad. Whether Windrunner remains one of our own in death or not, they aren't ours, and while she may have done us a service I can't trust those she leads.
The orcs and trolls, well. Honestly I don't really give much of a damn about their problems or what they want. Tauren, I remain less than familiar with, though they seem... agreeable enough, particularly in comparison. The ones that aren't batshit, anyway, whatever the fel was going on over there. Then the damned goblins--
...adjusting my opinions of them is going to take some work.
Most of the ones I've had the misfortune of dealing with were rather unpleasant on the whole. I suppose certain individuals are less... generally unpleasant and goblinlike but no, don't say that one to his face, just don't. Well. Leave in the bit about not being unpleasant, maybe, scrap the rest. Though 'not unpleasant' is still something of a backhanded compliment, isn't it, and fel it's been too long since I had to deal with this sort of thing. I was good at it, I know I was.
Of course, that was with other elves.
I still have a bit of a hard time believing this is honestly what I want but no, it's very definitely there. I know the feeling well enough. The trouble is what to do with it, and while we've already agreed that if it looks like things will only go poorly we'll let it lie I can't help but worry about where, exactly, it's supposed to go from here. The largest obstacle is being stuck here, it's difficult enough to plan for anything past it without emotion being involved in the attempted decision-making, but past that-- well. I know where things wind up eventually and it's what worries me most.
Emotional attraction does help with physical attraction and it isn't as though I find him repulsive but... I just can't even think about it. There are too many things to be worked around. I'm not uncreative, fel, that barb about writing 'glorified smut' is fairly accurate for some of the work I've done but it just really isn't something I want to consider, and I'm honestly not sure whether it's got more to do with us or with my own aversions. I'm not exactly inclined to go showing off those scars to anyone else.
That's a bridge to cross later, though. Likely much later. For the moment, I'd best focus on not sticking my foot in my mouth any more than I've already done-- I know he doesn't want to feel like he's being settled for, I don't want to just be settling for someone either, but I've done an incredibly poor job so far of not letting it come off like I'm lowering my standards.
Always 'what do you want to do after this' and 'where are you going to go from here' and 'what will you do with your life', and I've never had much of an answer to any of those besides 'I'll figure it out when I'm out of here'.
I've been realizing lately how much I miss the Argents, though.
It's not only the work I did for them, though I did prefer it to my current options, nor the specific people I worked with so much as... fel, I don't know. I never have been one for the usual philosophies about the Light, but I preferred their purposes and their company to that of the Horde in general-- this is going to be a page to be burned, isn't it, that's the last sort of sentiment I need any of them coming across should they decide to go through this.
I remain loyal to my own people, in spirit at least, but the rest of them... I still can't trust that the Forsaken aren't just a more terrible version of the Scourge they used to be, under the surface. They may have their own will but they're still dead- I know they weren't themselves then, that it wasn't a matter of choice, but give a creature like that its will back and it will be capable of coming up with still more awful things. I saw Hillsbrad. Whether Windrunner remains one of our own in death or not, they aren't ours, and while she may have done us a service I can't trust those she leads.
The orcs and trolls, well. Honestly I don't really give much of a damn about their problems or what they want. Tauren, I remain less than familiar with, though they seem... agreeable enough, particularly in comparison. The ones that aren't batshit, anyway, whatever the fel was going on over there. Then the damned goblins--
...adjusting my opinions of them is going to take some work.
Most of the ones I've had the misfortune of dealing with were rather unpleasant on the whole. I suppose certain individuals are less... generally unpleasant and goblinlike but no, don't say that one to his face, just don't. Well. Leave in the bit about not being unpleasant, maybe, scrap the rest. Though 'not unpleasant' is still something of a backhanded compliment, isn't it, and fel it's been too long since I had to deal with this sort of thing. I was good at it, I know I was.
Of course, that was with other elves.
I still have a bit of a hard time believing this is honestly what I want but no, it's very definitely there. I know the feeling well enough. The trouble is what to do with it, and while we've already agreed that if it looks like things will only go poorly we'll let it lie I can't help but worry about where, exactly, it's supposed to go from here. The largest obstacle is being stuck here, it's difficult enough to plan for anything past it without emotion being involved in the attempted decision-making, but past that-- well. I know where things wind up eventually and it's what worries me most.
Emotional attraction does help with physical attraction and it isn't as though I find him repulsive but... I just can't even think about it. There are too many things to be worked around. I'm not uncreative, fel, that barb about writing 'glorified smut' is fairly accurate for some of the work I've done but it just really isn't something I want to consider, and I'm honestly not sure whether it's got more to do with us or with my own aversions. I'm not exactly inclined to go showing off those scars to anyone else.
That's a bridge to cross later, though. Likely much later. For the moment, I'd best focus on not sticking my foot in my mouth any more than I've already done-- I know he doesn't want to feel like he's being settled for, I don't want to just be settling for someone either, but I've done an incredibly poor job so far of not letting it come off like I'm lowering my standards.