i'm so indecisive its kinda funny
Arianna
how so, love?
well its me
so you know that its true
however
to actually sit and explain it
i'm so often plagued by the illusions of how one can be happy
and what these things require
and how one can take these requirements and feelings all the illusions of other mens preordained grandeur
thats where i get lost and emotional
becasue you're right those thigns you spoke about in terms of not being with someone who can be as smart as me but with someone who can be emotionally further then me or more reliant then me
thats all true
adn when all of its broken apart...
sighh
8:16pmArianna
to break it down, then, my hyperintellectual friend
8:17pmBen
thus... the issues why i'm hamlet
8:17pmArianna
are you saying that it makes you sad how other people find it so easy to be happy, but you find it so hard to be happy yourself?
8:19pmBen
oh thats an easy step yes, it leaves me lost in shock at how everyone but me can find happiness
however its another step forward to see the issues of everyone being happy around you, and then being afraid of how to pick a choice that might make one happy but also mihgt leave one interminably alone
8:22pmArianna
what choice would make one happy but leave one alone?
you are a riddle, my friend, and i have an eye infection.
i am squinting at you in slight confusion and itchiness.
8:23pmBen
lots of choices could make one happy but leave them all alone
its scary... i'm either so extroverted that i cant see into myself leaving me at a loss of what ever to do to make myself happy because i see the big picture far too often and it leaves me really confused
or i'm so introverted i cant stand the possibility of ever being truly happy or sad because it would scare me to ever make a single kind of move because of the change to my dynamic leaving me at no equilibrium
8:27pmArianna
i have a message for you.
it comes from a good friend of mine named rumi.
There is some kiss we want
with our whole lives,
the touch of Spirit on the body.
Seawater begs the pearl
to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild Darling!
At night, I open the window
and ask the moon to come
and press its face against mine.
Breathe into me.
Close the language-door,
and open the love-window
The moon won't use the door,
only the window.
in short, he says to tell your brain to stfu, ben rosenthal.
you will think yourself into the grave, like many of the best brains of our time have
8:29pmArianna
your intellect shuts you off to being happy.
8:29pmBen
alone
hungry
and searching for some open passion lost in translation
the brain contunes to drive himself further towards his goals
standing open before his missions
he sits
he plays
and with his last breath he doesnt quote or praise
the brain dies
it dies alone
8:31pmArianna
=(
oh ben.
every time i talk to you, we talk about your panic
not what you can do to assuage it.
8:33pmBen
i've noticed and often come to fear that the reason for that is becasue theres no way to do so
8:34pmArianna
i call bullshit on that.
you are not the first to be afraid of happiness.
you will not be the last.
but for thousands of years, humans have conquered this fear.
at least, many of us have.
8:36pmBen
so then the question is then not can i be happy
but am i one of the people who choose not to find it
8:36pmArianna
pretty much. key in that: CHOOSE.
happiness is a choice.
hence why it's not "happenness."
it's a decision to open up.
when we're open, we face big scary things like faith, vulnerability, hurt, loss, and discomfort.
but we also welcome the good shit, like love, happiness, beauty, peace.
8:38pmBen
i love our poetry philosiphy battles
8:38pmArianna
lol
i just want you to be happy, sir.
and it makes me sad to see you shut down
8:40pmBen
me too
8:41pmBen
its sad that you've never seen me with somoene who makes me happy
where i'm not fighting myself for something like that
8:42pmArianna
it is sad.
i'd like to see you with a you that makes you happy.
not someone else.
though someone else would be good, too.
8:43pmBen
there was a time lol
i miss that
i miss that ben
8:50pmArianna
so stumble back to it
you're a practical guy. think of joy as a resource you've got access to but are not tapping into. wouldn't you like to maximize efficiency?
8:50pmBen
i would actually
but in my practicality.. i've seen that to maximize efficiency you often need to buy or obtain the greater machine heads tools computers linkages and technology
IE theres an important step i might be missing
not a bad idea though lol i like where your head is at
you might be right about my brain working against my being happy
8:56pmArianna
in your lifetime, things that bring you joy are followed immediately by loss, pain, betrayal, or exploitation.
you have mistakenly come to mistrust happiness, when it is actually an outside element that has caused the pain in your life.
happiness is without connotation. it ain't hurtin nobody.
unfortunately, the human element does enough of that.
8:59pmBen
is that the poem? or mearly a comentary on my life lol
9:00pmArianna
that's a commentary on your life.
9:00pmBen
its very true
9:00pmArianna
indeed. thus why i said it.
love, learn to trust happiness and moreso, trust yourself.
pain can't break you. you've had enough of it and survived.
humans don't break. they adapt.
so you have nothing to fear but something you can survive.
cost benefit analysis.
9:01pmBen
ahhhh CBA is what leads a life of waiting and hating
too many variables always
9:02pmArianna
the cost of avoiding pain is not experiencing joy. the benefit is feeling beauty, peace, happiness, and yourself.
you decide
9:04pmBen
grahh
curse the status quo
9:06pmArianna
stop cursing the way things are and make them be.
you're stagnant hunny and it's starting to smell.
you've been facing this problem for ev er.
for ev er.
9:14pmArianna
you'll smile when you let yourself feel.
i know it's fucking hard, trust me.
but it's the only way life is worth living.
wonderful things happen once you open to synchonicity.
read my musings on bees.9:22pmBen
if i start getting all itchy and cant breathe i'm going to put it down for a little
9:23pmArianna
posted it as a note. you're tagged.
9:23pmBen
just started reading
i cant seperate the difference between you or the bee
9:25pmArianna
neither can i.
9:26pmBen
what a beautiful thought
9:26pmArianna
it is beautiful except for the fact that i now can't kill the damn thing
so i need to wait for rob to get home to spray it.
and thus, i did not do my laundry.
9:28pmBen
and have effectively sat around all day naked
madam president, while your stagnation is much hotter in thought, you cant claim that you dont fall fate to some of the same trifles that plague me
9:29pmArianna
oh, lord, i know
but i fight it on a daily basis
i fight the same issues
it's difficult to unlearn and reteach.
but i'm not bullshitting when i say it makes life worthwhile.
9:31pmBen
so i get it some
you make lief worth while
and life
not just for lief
but for rob
and ben
and i'm sure that it happens for everyone around you
9:33pmArianna
i keep very few around me. but thank you, my love =)
you are sweet. even if your brain eats your heart.
in theory, your brain is a zombie.
it eats you alive.
9:34pmBen
it does... i wish it wouldn't
damn
thats probably why they make so much sense to me
0.0 omg i am a living zombie
9:36pmArianna
you are
you need to double tap your brain
and beware of bathrooms.
9:37pmBen
-has to pee-
9:37pmArianna
no! don't be a hero!
9:37pmBen
sometimes... in life
the rules need to be broken
btw i thought you'd like to see this:
a year
just nothing but a single year
nothing special
nothing to dazzle or amaze
however, i feel a certain loss
a cold sting where i once felt the presence of something much more whole
no i know its not that i am a great man destined for great things
i know its not that shes wading through her life making choices of what new hope to bring
but it seems almost clandestine
that our fates should stay so strong
cut so deep
no i know
i know
now brb
9:43pmArianna
aww hunny. frowny face.
9:49pmBen
idk where i am today
i carried a heavy fucking couch upstairs
to bring it downstairs
to take off its legs
to bring it upstairs
to see it doesnt fit
to bring it half way downstairs
to take down a door
to bring the caouch upstairs
to force it into the room
put the legs back on
retarrach the door
and repaint everythign
i'm useful and productive
just not happy
I'm never happy
i'm as white washed as these walls
that was a good conversation and it answered a lot in my head... but there are still questions to ask.. i wish people could be as open with me as i want them to be.. openness is hard to do