-when you are down, it's okay to cry-
i've been reading up on some of my friends journals and such, and, well, they are not the happiest thoughts. everyone seems to be struggling, and i hate seeing that. so this is for all of you. this is my story.
my middle school years were awful. i lost my best friend the summer of sixth grade (she moved away), and i was left with no one going into seventh grade. but, gladly, things looked up in the beginning of that year, because i made friends quickly. but as quick as i had made them, things started going downhill. throughout seventh and the first half of eigth grade, my circle of friends was a constant battle ground. constant bitching about each other, always fighting, nasty notes, etc. we were so typical then. by the time we went on our 8th grade class trip to D.C i had no one. not one soul to my name. i went through the rest of the year with no one. until the memory dance. one of my former friends and i had a teary-eyed embrace at the end of the dance, we promised not to fight again, and we mended our broken hearts together.
that summer, was wonderful (as most of my summers tend to be) i went to band camp, which was scary yet fun. everyone was so accepting and loving, it was like one big family. the seniors were (mostly) very nice and protective of the freshmen adn it was amazing to have known upperclassmen going into high school. but i was also very scared of starting high school. my mom told me it would be the best years of my life, but i highly doubted things could get better now, i only had one friend in my grade, all of my other friends were still in middle school. so i still felt pretty alone.
for the most part, my freshmen year was pretty normal. i didn't go through anything really major, just your minor heartaches. i had a small affair with a 18 year old from wyandotte...or woodhaven (i can't remember), but it never really worked out. he would call every night from the ice rink he worked at, and i'd tell him about my day, he'd tell me how interesting it was. but eventually the phone calls lingered off, and i stopped caring. i made some nice older friends, and they invited me to their graduation parties and i thought i was so cool. i was looking forward to my sophomore year.
unfortunately, my sophomore year was abysmal. my world crumbled before my eyes. it started with me meeting brian at the wyandotte street fair. we held hands and i gave him my number. he called me every day at 4 sharp. i liked him a lot. we were going to homecoming together. i was elated. around that same time, i met tom. he was adorable then, completely innocent, cute as a button and extremely funny and sweet. i liked him, but i had brian. so, brian and i went to homecoming, and i suppose i broke his heart. i was thinking about tom the whole night, and brian kept trying to kiss me with his slobbery lips. i finally hid out in the bathroom and he made-out with the friend who had set us up. lovely. after the dance i took him home and i'm still waiting for the phone call he promised.
shortly after homecoming was my birthday, i remember it was on a sunday. now, my birthdays are never a big deal, i rarely get presents and i don't really care, so we'll just skip on over that. but the monday after, was amazing. i was sitting at the lunch table with my normal group, tom next to me, and georgia was persistently trying to get one of us to ask out the other. but neither of us would do it. so finally my good friend keri, came up to the table and declared us a couple. euphoria followed. he was so in love with me then, and i with him. but i was scared. i had never been in a serious relationship and i didn't know what to do. i was afraid to kiss, afraid to love, afraid to open up. so i broke up with him at saidie's and shattered him. but months later, in february, he took me back, only to let me break up with him on valentines day and then he took me back again and let me break him again. then he went out with melissa. and she used him. she took his innocence without ever loving me, and i knew, i knew that he loved me. i spent so many nights feeling sorry for myself and regretting my own decisions to not face my fears. and i wanted revenge on melissa for taking my love away. finally, after months of working my ass off, tom and i got back together at the end of the year. unfortunately for me, i had found myself in the midst of my very own nervous breakdown. i like to call it bulimeia brought on by depression. everything i ate, or didn't eat, was wasted away in a bowl of porcelien. i weighed a mere 99 lbs. sickening. but tom was there.
he stayed with me through much of that summer. i struggled with my illness and he held my hand. we went to the fireworks and made out under the bright lights. and then...it happened. the midnight phone call that ended it all. tom was hit by a train. i wasn't told if he was okay. i spent the night puking my guts out and crying. the next day though i was happy to find my sweet love alive and only having a major migrane. we said we loved each other over and over for two weeks until he broke up with me over the internet at my brothers grad party and pissed me off like no other. i was crushed. completely crushed. but i put on a happy face and pretended i was okay.
my junior year started well enough. i met ricky at the end of my sophomore year and we had become good friends. he walked me to my classes and made me laugh. and tom glanced my way as i avoided and hated him. i distinctly remember me completely blowing up at him because he kept persisting to be nice to me. and i just wanted to hate him, and for him to hate me. and then...ricky held my hand. ricky kissed me. ricky told me he loved me. ricky dropped out and we broke up. crushed again. ricky and had our fights, but always were friends in the end. tom and i continued to wind around in circles with each other. i think it ended with me making out with him by my band locker one day...and then he got back with melissa. and i just went on my merry way, not really having anyone to love me. and i had heather as a best friend, so we spent every minute together. i went to church and got connected to god. only to be disconnected some time after. later that year, heather and i lost our connection. we became bitchy snobs towards each other and i made new friends. well...sort of. they were more buddies then friends. i didn't really have any real friends at that time that i remember. so that's how the rest of my junior year went, me alone again.
this past summer, was a train wreck. i was lonely, my dad finally got what he had coming. a crashed truck and 5 weeks in rehab. i hate him for that. he's never been a father and he never will be. but i won't get into that. my mom and i lost what relationship we had, because i told her to get a divorce and that i wanted to move out. but she wouldn't let me. so i went off to band camp. and i met many wonderful people there, it was a week i won't soon forget. but the last day, my mom did what i told her absolutely not to do. she brought my dad straight out of rehab to my performance. all my happiness flew out the window the moment i saw him walk into the cafeteria. the moment he pointed me out and smiled that stupid yellow-toothed smile like he thought i wanted him there. he said "there she is" to my mom. and i ran. i got up from the table, tears stinging in my eyes and ran to the bathroom. everyone saw me. and my mom comes in, with her calm self and tells me i'm being selfish. i'm being selfish. you had the nerve to do the one thing ONE THING i asked you not to do, you knew how much i hate him, you knew how much i loathe him, you know how many times i told you i'd kill him if he drank again, and you had the nerve to bring him. i refused to talk to her. she stayed for the performance and before i had the chance to say anything, she was gone. thank god.
i started my senior year well enough. i have many friends now, and i adore them all. of course, it's had it's downs. tom and i tried love again and it failed again. i met jared and i love him, but he doesn't understand it. and i worry about him. and you all know the rest of the story.
so see? you're not alone. and after all the bad, i realize that high school is really a great experience after all. so if you ever, EVER need to talk you just come to me. i'll always be here.
and i you have any questions about my story (in reference to my depression, or my dad) feel free to ask. i don't mind telling.