Harry Potter and the Plebian Dark Lord of DOOOM!!!1one like omfg voldie iz so skary.
Blah blah blah.
Okay, starting in order...
Nagini was sexy. That snake slithered so sexily that SeeMe squirmed. SeeMe doesn't even like snakes. Pettigrew was icky. Hate hate hate Pettigrew. Long for Phillip Seyemour Hoffman to play Pettigrew. Icky icky. Sexy strange man. Mmm.
Oh no, back to Potter. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. What the fuck, Hermione? Huh? Oh, they're at the Burrow. Right. I wanted to see Dudley eat a ton-tongue toffee, but this seems like a much easier way to start the day. Whoa, she goes to wake up Ron. Total girl moment.
I love Ron. Rupert Grint is so sexy now.
Blah blah blah, walking in the woods. Hello Amos--JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST, Cedric! Stop dropping out of trees! Portkey is a bit more... um, spinny than I remember reading it to be. Thud thud thud. It's raining Gryffindors, Hallelujiah...
Quidditch world cup. Eager. Narcissa will be there! No. But we did get to see some Malfoy violence. Mmm. And Lucius. Thwack with his cane o' doom. Stop boasting, you brat. Poor Draco. So abused. Wonder if the children's rights activists had anything to say about this. Snake cane should star in the next film. Sexy thing.
Wait, didn't the Weasleys share the same box as the Malfoys? What are they doing up in the nosebleed seats? Although, I suppose that that would be a very good seats, if the game to be watched is arial. Didn't get to see the "wonky faint", alas.
OMG DEATHEATERS. OH NOES THEY ARE BEING EVIL SOO HARRY MUST RUN AFTER THEM. Whack with a knee, and he's out like a light. BUTWAIT. He awakens! Oh no, evil man casts Morsmorde! I am so getting the Dark Mark tattooed on my body. And then, he advances at Harry.
Oh noes but Ron and Hermione come! Run away, little man! Run away and lick yourself.
Anyhow. Moving on past a lot of crap... Um, dum dum de dum...
Fred and George trying to cross the age line, failing, and then dry humping fighting with one another was awesome. Sexy. Yay!
Flitwick changed. Why? Who knows. Oh yeah, and enter Moody. The hell was with the spell he shot in the sky? And what was up with Filch's running? He was like Riff Raff. Oh fuck, now those two movies are going to be crossed in my mind forever. Oh fuck.
Blah blah blah, Potter gets picked out of the Goblet of Fire, basically no Snape, Ferret Malfoy was interesting..
Oh, and I almost cried at the look on Neville's face when Moody/Crouch was torturing the spider. Of course, Hermione starts screaming. Don't like her. And hey, why was Ron all buddy buddy with Seamus? Seamus, aren't you friends with Dean? Like, best friends for-evar1!?
And Random Big Black Kid has been replaced by Random White Kid With Blonde Tips.
Ummm, Goyle. Yess... Wait, where am I now? OH! First task! That dragon was wicked cool. And I adored Rita Skeeter. She's like every middleaged fangirl who writes porn about Harry and someone else. Plus she was hot.
I liked the First Task scene. If I didn't know better, i'd have been cheering for the dragon.
Where was Charlie? And Percy? They ran off together with Bill to get plastic surgery and have naughty incesex. Uhh... Movie, yeah.
Stuff, stuff, stuff I forget, Neville, lots of Neville, yay Neville, THE BOTHER SCENE.
Loved it. For those who don't know, the "Bother" scene is what I call the scene where Snape whacks the boys/Hermione with a book, hits them, generally 'bothers' them. All he needs is a hand up his robes and he's a bloody Potter Puppet Pal.
Blah blah blah, Neville ownz all, (love the "I killed Harry Potter!" scene. Love it.) Blah blah blah, second task, sux0rs, fake looking bodies...
Yadda yadda, fight, Yule Ball, Patil twins are hot, blah blah blah,Ew, Maxine like EATS SOMETHING OUT OF HAGRIDS BEARD. My mother and I were so grossed out.
skip skip skip, fastforward to
THE GRAVEYARD SCENE.
I was on the edge of my fucking seat for this one. I wanted to see this. I've fucking wanted to see this in film since I read it. I like Ralph Fiennes, and I think he's going to kick ass at Voldemort.
Fucking hell, was I wrong.
First of all, ooo, scary pettigrew man. Gag me with a stick. Wait, when he cuts off his hand--why isn't the pinky missing? He cut off his right hand, and, presumably, previously cut off the right pinky of his right hand. Huh. And why isn't he crying? he cut his bloody hand off, for fuck's sake. Oooh and then he cut Daniel Radcliffe. YAY. (He even emo-kid cut him. Up and down, not side to side OMG HARRYS GONNA BLED 2 DEF. HIS LIF SUX) Then drops in Fetus!Voldemort. Yay.
Holy shit, transformation! YAY. HERE IS THE DARK LORD (and I swear to God, my arm started to itch. Left arm. Forearm.) And... then... his...eyes... BLUE. Blue eyed evil dark lord? No. No! No!!
Now I'm wide eyed with horror. What... what... the hell? Blue eyes? No, I saw it wrong. And.. okay, wait. Isn't he supposed to be "impossibly tall"? I sat back, stunned, shocked that I didn't get to see a Voldemort cock-shot. I got to see the Red Dragon's pee-pee, why not Voldemort's!? What the hell, did he regenerate with robes? Puzzled.
And then he starts moving. Like a fucking ballerina. I almost cried from frustration. Why is Hollywood/The Movie People in general making the Bad Guys seem... fucking nuts? And not in the scary way? I mean, fuck, they made Hannibal Lecter say "Okey Dokey." Now Voldemort fucking dances? Ooh, scary. He whirls around, pokes Diggory with his toes, then swirls over to Pettigrew.
How scared can you be of a man who does the Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy at you? Oh man, you know those ballerina jewelery boxes? When you open them, a little ballerina starts spinning around and music plays? Someone should make one with Evil Lord Voldemort instead of a ballerina. Da da da DA da da...
Wait, yeah, back to the movie. So, Pettigrew sticks out his left hand. My mom said she saw a missing pinky, but I didn't. Still want the Dark Mark, though.Yay.
And then, suddenly, people appear. Odd. Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy, blah blah Blah, Voldemort prances up to each of them and turns their masks into smoke. Fuckface, those are antique masks. I have no problem calling Voldemort fuckface now. All references to a 'fuckface' will be meaning MOvie-Voldemort.
Anyways, now, Voldemort's noticed Harry. What the hell. "Hey, yeah, I almost forgot about you."
WHAT THE FUCK. Again, I almost cried. And then I shut my brain off and I don't remember the rest of the movie, really.
And so, that is my GOF thingy. Good up until the graveyard scene. Alas.