2013 Round Uppp
Welcome to year end. I feel like this year has been a bit of a mess (not a small bit of a mess), but I also feel like things are looking up and I've come through the worst of it. This is a good way to start a new year: hopeful, optimistic, and in charge. Pretty great.
Jan: January was a pretty quiet month for me, I was enjoying life in the North with Michael Kenny, we had finally started getting the living room arranged and curtained and decorated so that it was livable and nice to look at and really relaxing to be in, and everything felt good. I was convinced that we had a good thing going and that it was going to last forever.
Feb: ...or at least that it was going to last longer than another month or so. In February, Michael Kenny applied to a bunch of jobs, including some outside of Fort Smith. I hadn't realized how frustrated he was with work and small town life and how he really felt trapped and like he needed to get out. Unsurprisingly, he got the job with HIV North in Fort MacMurray, and then accepted the job. Luckily for me, my mum came up for my February Reading Week and we went on a roadtrip to Edmonton to shop and visit my grandmother and it was a really good place for me to chat out my ~feelings~ and figure out what was going on and what I was going to do next. Conclusions: stay in Fort Smith, stay in the B.Ed. program, figure out what to do with feelings and stuff later. Those are later problems.
Mar: Michael Kenny skips town, after sort of packing up his stuff and sort of moving it to Fort Mac. I start making arrangements to move myself somewhere as well- I could have stayed in the townhouse by myself for the summer, but I really wanted to get away from the space I had built for ~us~. It was also a three bedroom home for two people, which was too much for two, and definitely way too much for one. A good friend of mine had just bought a house and was looking for roommates- what great timing, we could live together sounds good, be a house of single ladies and party all summer. The move was kind of a clusterfuck, since it had to happen over Easter weekend, and everyone who would have helped me was out of town, and Meagan had broken things off with her on-again-off-again guy friend who was going to help with the heavy lifting, and I didn't do a great job of organizing (because I was still in school and working Saturday at the liquor store and pretty busy being a sad sack etc.) and Meagan didn't tell me until Sunday that she wasn't going to help me move the sofa, so I had to sell it last minute. I felt awful for the guy who moved in after me, who really ought to have been able to move in Sunday... what a mess.
Apr: Managed to finish the semester. I spent about an hour every day hanging out at the animal shelter with Virtue (Michael's cat), who was staying there because right before the move Meagan said that she was not ok with the cat moving into her house with me (she also raised rent by a hundo at about the same time- these and the couch really ought to have been red flags, but live and learn). Michael had already left, so we needed to find a temporary spot to stash the cat, because finding pet-friendly rentals in Fort Smith is basically impossible. The shelter was fabulous, and although Virtue had a tough time adjusting initially, she eventually came to accept her fate and warmed up to some of the volunteers (not that she was a meanie, she is just scared of EVERYTHING and it took a long time for her to not be terrified of the people who fed her and wanted to love her). She was able to stay in a private room away from the other cats, and would come right down to snuggle in my lap when I came to visit. Poor Virtue, the sweetest cat.
May: In May, I started working a messy pile of weird part time jobs all around town as a way to keep busy until my full time summer gig started up: college library, liquor store, newspaper, house sitting, etc. I also started two summer classes by distance in order to help finish my B.Ed. more expediently. Michael came up to Fort Smith from McMurray on the May long weekend to pick up the cat and take her home with him and to visit with me. It's a 17 hour drive, so he basically had just long enough to drive here, sleep, drive home- a long distance for a cat, but she's worth it. While he was here, we had a long chat about Us and whether their was an Us and whether there would be a Future Us. In conclusion: I broke up with him, because he was too wrapped up in his own life to have room in it for me, the communication that I needed wasn't there, and he had made it clear that I was not a priority for him. It was a tough visit, but at least the cat was going home.
June: An empty month, spent being sad, lonely, and sleeping a lot. Luckily I also spent a lot of time walking around outside and, eventually, biking on a borrowed bicycle. That bicycle, and the ability to get from place to place without taking half an hour or more on foot, saved my summer. I love summer in Fort Smith, it would have been nice to have been less sad and more anti-depressed. Hindsight? Also through May-June, I worked on two pairs of beaded moccasin uppers for Walking With Our Sisters. This was a really satisfying project, and I'm looking forward to seeing the whole collection either when they're in Ottawa or in Fort Simpson.
July: In July I started working at the SSDEC for my summer internship. I also started an almost month-long housesitting job for really good friends of mine- taking care of their two dogs and two cats. It was so nice to be out of the basement room I had been spending the last two months in- and it started me thinking about how I needed to find another living situation (where I could live above ground, and with a cat) for the fall, if I could. So: I find out that an acquaintance of mine on the edge of town is leaving Fort Smith for Yellowknife in September. I love his place- I saw it back in February, when Meagan was going through a messy breakup and staying in his cabin for a few days. It is a perfect place- one bedroom, wood stove, adorable, cheerful with good light. Unfortunately, he wanted to sell the place, and I'm not ready to buy in Fort Smith, not yet. So he sold it and vouched for me to the new owners, who are summer kayakers who come up to Fort Smith every season to spend the best months out on the river. This is perfect for me, as I can housesit in the summer and not pay rent. How handy! We sign a lease, it's exciting, I give my notice. I also bought myself a car- the place is on the edge of town, and I need wheels to get over there. Also: I love having my ridiculous tiny car. First car: a car for the ages.
Aug: This month was awful, since giving my notice Meagan felt no need to pretend to be nice to me any more. I was really hoping that moving out would give us a chance to patch things up and get back to being friends again, but it wasn't meant to be. Instead, she decided to cut me out of her life and pretend that I did not exist. The move was a success, I painted out the place (with some help from soon-to-be-exroommate Kyle), got all my stuff set up... a new home for a new semester. The fresh start was especially important, as Michael broke the news that he was moving, and would have a ladyfriend roommate. This felt really shitty, especially since he sounded like he was being pushed into a situation he didn't want to be in... but at the same time, I had a strong sense that this was not my problem, not my business, something to just try not to think about. So: the distraction of a new home, new semester, was welcome. It felt like I was getting myself back.
Sept: The start of a new semester. Initially, I was scheduled for seven courses- this was crazy, even for me. Dropped one, and continued on with six classes. The focus was: academics, have a really good time, live a life of luxury in my beautiful baby cabin. YEAH SUCCESS. I went to Wellness to say "hi could I please have some help getting over my ex, clearly I am still hung up on him and he has moved on"- instead the therapist was like "yo, you have feelings this is a reasonable thing. Forgive yourself and take care of yourself and you're doing pretty alright." This is exactly what I needed to hear, and felt completely reasonable and kind and beautiful. How comfortable, things are looking up. Also, having my own house means cats. Cats are excellent and I've missed them. For the next couple months, I have a rotation of various people's cats hanging out in my home and they're the best.
Oct: The biggest thing that happened in October for me was the museum's moccasin workshop. Several hours a week, I hung out at the museum with some other ladies and we learned how to make traditional moccasins. It was a really great time, and I now wear my moccasins all the time. Wrote my final exams for the summer courses started back in June. I'm glad they're finally done- most of the marks came back alright, although not fantastic. But that is about all I cared about- exams complete. I also joined the community choir with friends- we put on a performance for Remembrance Day and for Christmas. It was a whole pile of fun, and I'm looking forward to singing next year, too. At the end of the month, however, Michael and his lady split, he sends me a message that he feels like we have a future together... he still has a pile of things in my shed, and had been scheduled to come and get them in the winter, when the winter road froze up.
Nov: Spent the month working on school and myself and enjoying every minute of it. Had a bunch of car troubles, as it finally got cold enough to interfere with the diesel... this also revealed that my car came with a block heater cord but no block heater. I managed to figure out a temporary solution with an oil pan heater, but I'm going to need to plan a roadtrip in the spring to get myself a proper winter car... get myself to Edmonton and have the dealership do a service and install the block heater. For this winter: I bought snow pants and will be walking a lot, I guess. Also begging rides from various friends like some kind of vagrant. I've also made a pair of sealskin mittens at the college that will be keeping me warm and comfortable. But the coldest part of winter doesn't last forever (I keep hoping).
Dec: Finished the semester with excellent marks, possibly my best semester ever? Michael Kenny came up for his visit- I don't exactly what's going to happen here, but I'm glad he's back in my life and we had a really pleasant weekend. He even came to my choir concert. I'm still really glad that he didn't die on the ice road- and I'm curious about what 2014 will bring for us. Now I'm home at my parent's house for Christmas, and relaxing. It's been a heck of a year- not at all what I expected or planned, and a whole pile of disappointments and set backs, but I do feel like I have things back under control and I'm ready for things to stay awesome into the new year. Full of questions,high expectations. You know, all that good stuff.