(no subject)
I finally have my big huge cry. For it all. For ever last second of the past month. And here's the funny part-- the tears were sparse.
I can feel it in my throat though. Thats when you know its real. If you feel like youre going to cry, but there's no lump in your throat and no chills down your spine, then its just crocodile tears. You can hold them back and save face.
But if its in your throat-- forget it. You're done. Those are the real tears-- and they're the kind you cant hold back.
Typically, I give in. Two years ago, I would have crumpled down in front of the mirror. One and a half years ago, I would have dropped to my knees on the cold bathroom floor. Last year, I would have laid down under the covers and let the hollow hunger make me delirious. This year, I'll just let the tears fall. I think maybe I'm tired of all the elaborate ways I've found to suffer in the past. But maybe not. Maybe Im just tired of needing those ways. Maybe I just wish for once that your ignorant comment could reign true-- "the happiest girl in the world".
But im intruiging. Maybe. I dont know if I even believe that i have the power to attract attention anymore. Its been so long since Ive put myself out there and had a conversation wtih a stranger. My world has progressively become smaller this past year and thats the main reason for this whole break in the first place. I knwo I havent directly addressed it here but I have to. I cant take thinking about it on my own any longer.
I dont have an identity. I am "his girlfriend". I am "the girl Bobby dates". "Oh her? Shes hot-- thats Bobbys girl". Those are the only comments people tell me here that they hear about me. And Im tired of it. Its not that its a BAD thing to be identified or connected to him-- thats not my point. But, I am my own person. And I want to be seen as that. I want people to know I DO have a name and it isn't Bobbys-Girlfriend. I want people to have conversations with me. To look me in the eyes. To give me a hug when I have a horrible day and need one. I hate how people are intimidated by the fact that I had a boyfriend. I hate how it kept people from approaching me or talking to me.
Im not like that-- I wouldn't assume a guy liked me just because he talked to me.
And this past year, all I did was squeeze into his world. I spent New Years and Fourth of July with his friends. And their girlfriends. And while that works out perfect for him....it doesn't for me. I want to be able to have my world too. My friends. My social life. And I dont want it to overlap the way it does. He can argue that I have friends-- but they're almost all his. And thats a problem. He was here for two years before me...their loyalty is to him. And most of them wont even hang out wiht me if hes not there. Because of that loyalty and because of that like "we knew him first", theyll never truly be MY FRIENDS.
And Im not ready to be married. Im not ready to be the wife who like...makes a huge dinner on sundays and buys beer so "the guys" will have something to eat/drink while the "big game is on". Im not ready to feel like my life belongs to someone else. Im not mature enough--despite the fact that Ive been forty since I turned 12-- to have every decision and every path I take have the power to hurt somebody else. I need to be nineteen for a little while. I need to know that like...the only people who have their emotions so deeply invested in me is my parents-- because no matter where I look for myself in this great "find myself" search, they'll still love me and forgive me if Im wrong. I need to know that Im not killing somebody on the inside because i make a normal mistake.
And if you love me, which I knwo you do, youll let me live. Youll let me have my life and make my life from the bottom up. Youll let me learn the things you did and make the mistakes you did. Youll let me have the great oppertunity of autonomy that youve already enjoyed for two years prior to me coming to this school.
But I do love you. To death but more importantly to life. Just look....look how in love we have been...
Everything going on reminds me of "the butterfly effect" which, if you havent seen it, please go see. Its an incredible movie. Anyways, in one of the "realities", Kayleigh is a drug addicted prostetute and Evan goes to visit her. This is basically...sadly...the way I think a couple people feel right now. I.e. me and you.
Evan: I just thought that you should know.
Kayleigh Miller: Know what?
Evan: That you were happy once... with me.
Kayleigh Miller: You know there's one major hole in your story, there is no fucking way on this planet, nor any other I would ever be in some fucking sorority.
Evan: [Whispering] You were happy there...
Please dont think this is me like turning away from the life Ive had this past year. I wouldnt change it for a thing-- I WAS happy and it was amazing. But I owe it to myself to make my own life. You have to understand that.
People will judge me and say Im being selfish. People will assume its because I want to be out there fucking around. So lets just say right now, if youre judging me, then fuck off because I dont care what anybody thinks about this. This is how I feel and what I feel I need to do. And thats, FOR ONCE, all I care about. Im the one who has to die when my life ends, so shouldnt I be the one to live while it's still happening? . Its my new mantra. And it makes perfect sense to me.
And as for other people...
Let me just tell you. Ive had experience with guys. I know what you are and I know what youre doing. Im not an idiot. And while I may have been ignorant to believe you the first time-- I must admit...I expected better from you than THAT . But live your life. Don't let me stop you-- because Ive never been able to stop anybody from doing anything they truly want to. Especially things detrimental to their own safety, health and happiness. So, you're on your own. I tried and I was there for as much as I could be. But then I just realized that this is just another one of your challenges and another one of your ways to try and prove to yourself and everyone around you that you have no reason to be insecure. Maybe you should spend all that energy trying to convinve YOURSELF that .
That is all.
Halloween....little kids are trick-or-treating in our victorian mansion. Everyone in the house gets candy for their room. Should be fun. Ive been recruited to decorate the house since Im the artist. Interesting.
Im supposed to be tinkerbelle. Its not a dress-- its one of those tube top babydoll shirt things. But it covers me. I was supposed to have a really awesome costume, but I dont fit into them. I guess the one thing Illl miss about the pill is the c cup boobs. Dont make a gross comment about that please any of the guys who read this..itll sketch me out.
I will be forever homesick for a place that never even existed in the first place. Whats the greatest condemntion that you have?