if i could, i probably would have already and not told you.
Kris Moody worked today too, so that was really nice. Hes such a fun guy and I absolutely love being around him. It reminds me of the night me, him, Sara H, and Jess were in the Moodys "rec room" if you will and just stayed up ridiculously late talking about nothing and making Kris put on "earmuffs" when we were talking about "girl stuff" or anything way too sexually descriptive. And then we talked about sex. And then we talked about sex more and then we talked about sex from a girls point of view. And we talked about eerything. And we laughed so hard and I felt like wow, Im glad I went to TA wiht these people.
I miss those nights.
I miss Kelly Rioux. Especially in Dunkin Donuts at midnight. I miss Kelly and math class and a chocolate crellar that made us both get out of bed and to school. I miss Kelly at Aquaboggan SO much and just talking about how tan and blonde she was and how Dark my hair was. I miss how we traded Olsen roles. I miss sitting in the pink car or looking the keys in it at the Rauchambeauxhjgbskdg club and I miss Andre calling AAA to get the keys out. I miss so much about our friendship and I really just wish she was around me more. I miss how she made so mcuh better just by existing and understanding me and just being herself. The world is severely lacking in Kelly Riouxs and I miss the one I had.
Anyways, Kris is a really fun person and Im glad he's still working there. The Moodys are a great breed hahaha. And that includes Erik and Ryan and Keegan, who I just finally met and who is working at the Boggan as well. He had a little cooler today. It was cute. Thats how the Moodys roll. ;)
Also, Mary is working again and Im psyched. I love her and we go waaaaay back to the days of the kitchen. So thats good. And Nicks the supervisor and he's been doing a really great job. Its not easy because tehre's SOOOO many new people to be patient with, but he's doing a good job.
So its not that bad. It was just so hot out today and humid and I felt like hsit. And I dont know...there's just this weird feeling of like nostalgia everywhere in my life and I just wish it wouldnt harbor there. I miss when summer was fun and when I always had somewhere to be at night. I never have somewhere to be and I always feel like the only person I do hang out wiht always has to be somewhere else. And that sucks. I miss my life and I almost wish it was still fucked up and I still partied and didn't eat and went wild and kissed cute boys just because they were cute. Because it was fun. And because it was a LIFE. Right now there are lots of nights when I feel like my life is just this existance that is in black and white. I feel like Im missing out so much. And I dont know how to get it back.
And I pretty much just hate you. Youre manipulative and youre disrespectful and youre not the person you claim to be. Youre one of the few, but it doesnt mean youre going to be someone I consider anything more than just that. I have erased you for the time being from my memory and I am sure you've done the same. And Im totally fine with that. Because we both still know that if you called me at 3AM and needed something, I wouldnt be pissed...Id be so happy to hear from you. And we both know if I called you, Id just get your answering machine-- any time of day. Because thats just how things are now. Because Im not hooking up with you and because you've got someone new and because that's the way it works. Because times change and people move away and you did too-- and moved on. ANd because typically when guys are in their late teens, people are replaceable. So, anyways, I hope she does a good job at being better than me. I hope she's better at it all. Because I can't try ever again. Because its like trying to drown-- you're just going to go under.
And if this is the case, then why do I still think about you and hope that you're happy and hope that you're okay? Why do I still wish that you'd come around and wish that you'd call and ask how my life is and want to know what it's like? Why do I still wish that there was some way to turn back time and never ever have met you because if I hadnt then I would have gotten so many more hours of sleep between then and now? Why. Why cant I erase you just as accurately as you have me? Its not that I want to be wiht you or that I love you-- bcause we know Ill always love you-- its about just so much more. Its about wanting to have mattered and wanting to have meant SOMETHING. Its about wanting to just feel like maybe someday Ill be able to not be "dating" someone and still mean something to them. Its about wanting to be able to be friends first or friends after or just BE FRIENDS. Its about how the person youre kissing goodnight is wrong for you and how even if Im still wrong--why her? Its about the reasons. Its about how like...you always do this to everyone. You let them get just far enough away before you start to miss them and then you snatch them back. Because you just cant let them let go. Its about my curiosity as to WHY you do that. Its about you. And I guess its about how you think of me. And its about how when you left, ebverything else did too. And how sometimes ij ust want it back. I just want my life to be fun again. ANd I just want my life to mean something again. I want to be noticed and I want people to know my name. Sometimes at whatever the cost. Because it just sucks so mcuh more now.
Ugh.
That felt like shit, moving on.
Today was a mediocre day at best.
ANd look,
it would have been nice if you had time to just talk to me today.
but nope. when your friends are around, things are different. and thats lame. you call me every time you have a break and i answer and talk-- even if im actually busy...you just never know cause i never let on liek that. but todays my first day and i call and you cantb e on your phone unless youre in your car and none of your friends can see you?
wow.
fuck.
that.
SOLAME.
and no, i ddont really think thats where i want to spend my fourth of july. because the truth is, just liek i said before, i dont think i want to be around your friends when i know its some sketchy deal that you have a gf. and you say they dont care and theyre happy for you, but i dont like how it feels and i dont like how you act. so im not dealing with that.
sometimes things just really let me down and make me feel like im just another secret to just another guy.
and i dont even fight about it beaxcuse theres no point-- any argument turns defensive and nothing gets solved.
i dont even want you to read this because itll just turn into another argument that goes defensive and gets ignored.
it seems like everything in my back pocket is bursting out. because i hate keeping secrets. i hate feeling like this and i hate putting everything in there until someone wants to deal with it.
i really want to go out tonight and just do something fun. or just do something. im so sick of the mundane. im so sick of boring and im so so sosoooooooooooooo sick of dissapointment.
Itll get better.
Right?