Hoping for some support/sympathy/advice/ understanding ??
Hi everyone . . . I know I need to write an intro post, and I'm going to include a plea for responses and advice and reassurances right away - sorry for the greed!
My (ftm) partner (D) and I have been married for about two and a half years, and we've been talking about starting a family since August. (We've been talking and considering longer, actually, but we both were only ready starting in August. After some discussion, we decided to try anonymous donor insemination (DI) first, and only move on to more drastic measures like in vitro & adoption if that didn't work. Our insurance, we;re pretty sure, will cover everything but the actual cost of sperm & shipping, which really only means the office visits for the actual "injections" (so it will still be extremely expensive, sperm is about $400/ vial!).
I should mention that my partner has been transitioned for awhile now, he had top surgery three or four years ago, has been on T for nearly a decade, and met me after all of that. He's got a very supportive family. My family doesn't know about his background. D is a doctoral student, and we're on the university's health plan, which is surprisingly good for college health insurance.
There are several issues I'm having with D, and I'm going to try to elaborate on each -the plea for advice is implied.
Issue #1: Paperwork, timing, impatience
He's stalling on signing the release of sperm paperwork that needs to go to the doctor's office to be signed and filled out by them before we can begin. He says that it's an insanely busy time for him and that he doesn't have the time or energy to think about a baby. We agreed to startin January, but that can't happen unless the paperwork is in and we've chosen a donor. Included in this issue is that we haven't decide on a bank or a donor, and I really want him to be involved in that. I could just do it all myself (except signing the paperwork), but that doesn't seem like it's so healthy. But he doesn't want to talk about it - right now he says it's because he has so many papers to write, but it seems like there's always some excuse.
Issue #2: Location, location, location
D wants to do the inseminations at home. If the two methods were equal (home vs. dr's office), I'd prefer that too, but the in-office method has a higher rate of success. Also, the dr would keep the vials safe at her office, and there would be so much less chance of an error. It's so expensive, I don't want to leave anymore to chance than already is.
Issue #3: The far, far future
Eventually, we're going to have to tell the kid a little about its background, right? Can they go on forever not knowing about their dad? How should we handle this? is there anything we should do now in preparation for that day?
Issue #4: Doctor dishonesty
This is more an issue of my dishonesty to the doctor. We didn't want issues with birth certificates at the hospital, so we didn't want to mention the trans issue to the doctor. This is a new ob/gyn, starting fresh with no files on me. Well, that backfired. She wanted a copy of D's sperm analysis, which obviously doesn't exist, and she wants to do an x-ray test on me to make sure my tubes are open. When I told D about this, he said I could tell her. That's going to be awkward, and require me doing this in person (right?) to level with her. Ideally I'd do this when I drop off the paperwork, but . . . we're back to issue #1. D doesn't have to do a think but sign his name a bunch of times.
Issue #5: Sex
I'm ovulating, and if we have sex now, I'll be sad. I know nothing can come of it, and then I'll get mad at him and resent him and then feel guilty because it's not his fault he has no sperm, and I'll be in a worse mood than when I started. It's a horrible, horrible spiral.
Please help. I don't want to do something that will hurt D's feelings in any way, or harm my sanity. I feel like I've been waiting long enough (been waiting for him to be ready for over a year now), that now's the time, and that I don't want to wait anymore!!!!!
My (ftm) partner (D) and I have been married for about two and a half years, and we've been talking about starting a family since August. (We've been talking and considering longer, actually, but we both were only ready starting in August. After some discussion, we decided to try anonymous donor insemination (DI) first, and only move on to more drastic measures like in vitro & adoption if that didn't work. Our insurance, we;re pretty sure, will cover everything but the actual cost of sperm & shipping, which really only means the office visits for the actual "injections" (so it will still be extremely expensive, sperm is about $400/ vial!).
I should mention that my partner has been transitioned for awhile now, he had top surgery three or four years ago, has been on T for nearly a decade, and met me after all of that. He's got a very supportive family. My family doesn't know about his background. D is a doctoral student, and we're on the university's health plan, which is surprisingly good for college health insurance.
There are several issues I'm having with D, and I'm going to try to elaborate on each -the plea for advice is implied.
Issue #1: Paperwork, timing, impatience
He's stalling on signing the release of sperm paperwork that needs to go to the doctor's office to be signed and filled out by them before we can begin. He says that it's an insanely busy time for him and that he doesn't have the time or energy to think about a baby. We agreed to startin January, but that can't happen unless the paperwork is in and we've chosen a donor. Included in this issue is that we haven't decide on a bank or a donor, and I really want him to be involved in that. I could just do it all myself (except signing the paperwork), but that doesn't seem like it's so healthy. But he doesn't want to talk about it - right now he says it's because he has so many papers to write, but it seems like there's always some excuse.
Issue #2: Location, location, location
D wants to do the inseminations at home. If the two methods were equal (home vs. dr's office), I'd prefer that too, but the in-office method has a higher rate of success. Also, the dr would keep the vials safe at her office, and there would be so much less chance of an error. It's so expensive, I don't want to leave anymore to chance than already is.
Issue #3: The far, far future
Eventually, we're going to have to tell the kid a little about its background, right? Can they go on forever not knowing about their dad? How should we handle this? is there anything we should do now in preparation for that day?
Issue #4: Doctor dishonesty
This is more an issue of my dishonesty to the doctor. We didn't want issues with birth certificates at the hospital, so we didn't want to mention the trans issue to the doctor. This is a new ob/gyn, starting fresh with no files on me. Well, that backfired. She wanted a copy of D's sperm analysis, which obviously doesn't exist, and she wants to do an x-ray test on me to make sure my tubes are open. When I told D about this, he said I could tell her. That's going to be awkward, and require me doing this in person (right?) to level with her. Ideally I'd do this when I drop off the paperwork, but . . . we're back to issue #1. D doesn't have to do a think but sign his name a bunch of times.
Issue #5: Sex
I'm ovulating, and if we have sex now, I'll be sad. I know nothing can come of it, and then I'll get mad at him and resent him and then feel guilty because it's not his fault he has no sperm, and I'll be in a worse mood than when I started. It's a horrible, horrible spiral.
Please help. I don't want to do something that will hurt D's feelings in any way, or harm my sanity. I feel like I've been waiting long enough (been waiting for him to be ready for over a year now), that now's the time, and that I don't want to wait anymore!!!!!