(no subject)
lately i have felt distant
almost nonexistant
but still breathing.
some days i feel like my life is a joke
and i'm slipping away
some people say they feel that too
but they're slipping slowly
and i'm on a waterslide.
my vision is blurred
and my voice is always cracking
like puberty
or that time i scratched my cornea and couldn't see
and my throat was dry from the lortab
but at least i was pretty happy.
i lost contact with the people i "love"
except i don't really love them
i hate how they don't give me credit
and they are always trying to one-up me
and the way i feel when they are around
like i'm speed dating
in such a hurry to impress.
my whole life, or at least
as long as i can remember,
i have never fallen asleep when my head hit the pillow
i lay there flashing pictures
busying myself
banging my skull against the pillow
wishing i was somewhere else.
sometimes i feel so scared of the future
that i try to sharpen my memory of the past
but childhood's a blur
except the stories i've told a million times
which are really just tall tales by now
i've changed them every time i told them
i am a pretty good liar.
my favorites though, are the shining moments
the moments where i felt like gold
like being the actor with the most lines
and soaring with excitement
on a road trip
to hell.
but in all honesty i am not bad
my father called me the other day
to tell me he is proud of my work ethic
(he doesn't know much about it)
and that he misses me
(he only knows what i tell him)
and i hate it when he says those things
i feel so guilty
i don't deserve it.
i remember when daddy was an alcoholic
i remember the time i said it on the phone
i thought i had hung up
he was still on the line,
drunk,
angry,
disappointed in us both.
i remember when daddy went to jail
for being an alcoholic
he said he was going to quit
this time he was for real
i called him a liar when i hung up the phone
now he's a year sober
but he said we'll have a glass of champagne together
the day i move out of my mother's house.
i remember the night the apartment was burning
not ours, but the one across the street
there was a little boy trapped inside
and i watched the firefighters climb the ladder
and climb back down
a boy in their hands, barely breathing
but he was okay
i was six years old
and all i could think was
i'm so glad i'm not a firefighter.
i've always been selfish
narcissistic
competitive
smart
innovative
and sometimes creative
but mostly a thief,
a liar,
a cheat
but at least i survive
without having to be the fittest.
i guess what i'm saying is
i'm not what you think i am
you don't know me
and neither do i
but i'm alive
at least, i am breathing
and one day
i'll get a good night's rest.
