FIC: A Very Long Derangement, Part the Second
Title: A Very Long Derangement (Part the Second)
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Tim and Connor, with a side of the Bats, Arrows, and the rest of the usual suspects.
Summary: Tim and Connor are tired of people setting them up on dates. Perfectly good plans go terribly awry.
A/N: With Bonus Alternate Ending!
Connor had explained the plan to Tim. It had seemed like a practically fail proof plan, they'd all agreed.
They wanted to create a break-up that was realistic, allowed them to continue their friendship, and wouldn't cause their families to each hunt the other down and maim them.
The solution was really quite brilliant, Tim had to admit. Kyle certainly had a good idea.
They'd carefully announced that they'd decided they would be better off as friends. Naturally, their families would over-react, and doubtlessly interrogate them on what had happened. They'd protest that they'd just mistaken close friendship for something more, that they were good friends who shared a lot of common interests, and that they were attracted to each other, but it was nothing more than that.
The chances of anyone, especially Babs and Dinah, believing that, were slim to none.
So, naturally, more interrogation would occur. And then they would blush and manage to stammer out that they just weren't compatible in bed.
As Kyle had explained, even if you liked someone a lot, if the sex was absolutely terrible it just wouldn't work out.
Tim bites his lip and winces. It was going to probably be painful to explain and highly embarrassing, but, it would work. It would make sense that they would break up. Their families would satisfied with the explanation, but wouldn't be out for blood because one of them had hurt the other in any way.
It still left him with his civilian family and friends to deal with, but at least there might not be quite so many things going wrong all at once.
When he finally goes to sleep, it is with hope.
At breakfast, that fleeting bit of hope is promptly squashed with an announcement from Dana.
"We're going to be starting family therapy," she announces. Tim glances at his father, who looks as unhappy as Tim feels.
Really, this is just what he needs right now.
-----
When Kyle drops him off, Dinah and Ollie are waiting for him.
Well, Dinah at least. Ollie seems to have dozed off.
"Hey there, boyo," Dinah says gently. "How are you?" Connor smiles.
"I'm fine, really. Kyle dropped me off in Gotham and Robin and I talked." Dinah makes room for him on the couch, patting the cushion beside her and carefully waking Ollie.
"Connor! You're back."
"He and Robin talked," Dinah says, filling him in as Connor sits down.
"Oh, how did that go?" Connor smiles. It's a perfect opening.
"Good," he says honestly, "we decided we were better off as friends." There is a moment of silence.
"You broke up?" Dinah asks finally, and she and Ollie look very concerned. Connor shrugs.
"We both agreed that things weren't working. We're good friends, but we just aren't meant to be more." He sees Dinah and Ollie exchange a Look, and then he's being hugged from both sides.
"What'd the bastard do?" Ollie demands in a fierce whisper.
"He didn't do anything, really," Connor says, "we're just better friends then we are boyfriends," he finishes. Dinah and Ollie exchange another look.
"Connor, boyo," Dinah says gently, "we can't help if we don't know what's wrong." Connor sighs.
"It's nothing you can help with, really, we just weren't - dating didn't work out, we're better off as friends."
"Did he break it off with you because his folks found out?" Ollie questions. Connor shakes his head.
"No, no. That wasn't part of it. This was coming for a while now."
"You were having problems? Is it because you don't get to see each other enough, because we can make sure that-"
"That's really not the problem," Connor protests, "It's just, we're better off as friends. Can we just leave it at that?"
"Dammit, what happened-"
"Boyo, if you'd just tell us-"
"The sex was really horrible, okay?" Connor blurts out. He doesn't need to put any effort into faking a blush, he's beat red already. Ollie and Dinah are looking at him in shock. "We just weren't- compatible- in bed," he mumbles, not looking at either of them. "We decided we'd be better off as friends."
-----
Steph shows up that night, hair spiked up and Robin suits on. He can almost see how, from a distance, people might not notice the difference between them. Layers of armor still do nothing to conceal the fact that Steph is undoubtedly female though.
It's kind of like looking into a fun house mirror, up until she flicks off the white-out lenses.
"So, how's life?" Tim lets himself fall back on the bed with a groan.
"My step-mother has signed us up for family therapy, my friends are headed for a career in truancy, my ex-girlfriend is cross-dressing in order to impersonate me, and I have recently acquired an ex-boyfriend."
"What? You and Connor broke up?" Steph exclaims, and Tim has to mime for her to lower her voice.
"Yes."
"What happened?" Tim shrugs.
"We figured out that we'd be better off as friends." Steph raises an eyebrow. It's quite amazing how everyone in their extended family ends up mimicking Alfred's patented eyebrow raise of disbelief.
"Okay, but what happened?" Tim makes sure to give Steph a measuring look.
"The sex was horrible," Tim sighs, and Steph squeaks out a noise of surprise. "It really was. It was awkward, and strange, and I'm pretty sure I elbowed him in the face by accident a couple times, and it just wasn't working." Steph gapes at him for a few minutes.
Then she giggles. Tim glares at her. She giggles harder.
"I'm sorry," she says, trying to collect herself, "really I am, but you elbowed him in the face?" she questions, and Tim had been making it up as he went along, so he just shrugs and blushes. "Surely it couldn't have been that bad," she says, "I mean, a least a bit of it must have been enjoyable."
"I can honestly say that Connor and I had absolutely zero enjoyable sex," Tim says truthfully. They hadn't had any sex at all, but Steph doesn't need to know that.
Steph gives him a concerned look.
"Oh, Boy blunder..."
-----
Connor has been carefully ushered off to bed.
He lies awake, listening to Ollie attempt to argue quietly with someone who is far better at being quite than himself.
Suddenly, the door opens, and Mia is pushed into the room. Mia glares back at the door, before sitting herself down on his bed.
"Hi," she says, "I know you're awake so you can sit up already." Connor sighs, and does so.
"What is it?" he asks kindly. Mia smirks wryly.
"Apparently Ollie has some plan on us mutually bonding over sexual trauma. Slight problem with his plan though: you don't look all that traumatized, other than at the thought of having to talk about sex with Ollie, and I know I'm far from traumatized, again excepting the idea of talking about sex with Ollie, so his plans pretty useless."
"Agreed," says Connor. Mia smiles.
"That said, is there anything you want to talk about?" Connor shrugs.
"Not really. Sex was, well, bad, and we figured it's probably just 'cause we aren't meant to be lovers. We decided to be friends, and Ollie and Dinah over-reacted about our break-up." Mia 'hmms', then shrugs.
"Just be glad they didn’t drag Roy into it," she says finally.
"I am," Connor says from the depths of his heart. "I have had more than enough of strip-clubs, thank you very much."
Mia erupts into giggles.
-----
Things seem to be going fairly well. Connor had phoned to say things were awkward but getting back to normal at in Star City, Bernard and Darla seemed to be thinking that it would be best just to not talk about Connor or things related to Connor for a while, and it was all quiet on the Bat front about the breakup.
Even the family therapy wasn't so bad, because it turned out Tim knew just as much about psychotherapy as their family psychotherapist did, and was able to convince her that he was a perfectly normal teenager with relatively low level of teenage angst, and that his father was really the only one with any psychological issues.
Or at least, things seemed to be going very well until he gets woken up in the dead of night. He has a split second to get into a defensive position as the dark figure comes through the window. He realizes it's Bruce, relaxes his guard, and gets promptly hit with a nerve-strike.
Batman slings him over his shoulder, and Tim gets carried out of the house.
Apparently, he's being kidnapped.
Apparently, he's being taken to Oracle.
Apparently, Tim is very, very confused.
He is even more confused when the arrive at the Clock Tower, and Tim finds that Connor is there, strapped to a chair, calmly surveying the surroundings.
"Hello," Connor says, and Bruce sets him down in the adjacent chair, strapping him in as well. Tim glares at Bruce as the effects of the nerve-strike begin to wear off.
"Hello," he manages to say after a few minutes. Assembled in front of them are Oliver, Dinah, Babs, and Bruce. "What is this?" he asks warily.
"We're going to help you save your relationship," Babs declares. Tim gets a sinking feeling.
God, please, no
-----
Connor feels his eyes start to glaze over as he begins to go into shock.
The Batman attempting to be your therapist would do that to anyone, he's sure.
The red-head woman, apparently the Oracle, is also attempting to play therapist. Ollie and Dinah are apparently here for moral support, Connor assumes, because he's pretty sure neither one of them knows anything about psychotherapy.
"As you're both perfectly healthy, it's probably a psychological problem," Oracle states, "thus I'm sure if we get to the bottom of it things will improve."
"Now," Batman says gruffly, "you said the sex was bad. By bad, do you mean uncomfortable or painful?"
"We are not having this discussion," says Tim, sounding every inch as horrified as Connor feels.
"Yes, we are," says Oracle. "You're going to answer the question, and any others we ask, no matter how personal or embarrassing, because that is how we're going to fix things."
"Everything is going to be okay, we promise," Dinah says.
Ollie seems to be staring intently at the ceiling and humming Peace Train to himself. Loudly.
Connor rather suspects that Dinah has forced him to be here. It is nice to know that he and Tim aren't the only ones suffering.
"Uncomfortable," Connor mutters finally, "now can we go?" he asks hopefully.
His hopes are promptly squashed.
"Right," says Oracle brightly, "that's a start. Now, I think it's best we work our way through this list of potential issues one by one. Alright, first, how do you each feel about your body image?"
-----
"Butterfly," Tim says tiredly, and Dinah diligently holds up yet another ink blot for him to look at and records the answer beside a number. Oliver is sitting in a chair beside her, looking through the ones Tim had already seen in confusion.
Tim is actually quite glad they'd decided to switch subjects for 'objectivity'. He does not want to have Bruce and Babs doing this.
"Butterfly," Tim says again.
"Butterfly."
"Butterfly."
"Dragonfly."
"Butterfly."
"Sistine Chapel."
"Really?" asks Dinah, turning the card over in surprise, and studying it.
"No, I just saw another butterfly." Dinah gives him a glare, but Oliver is snickering.
"Fine then," says Dinah, "let's move on to some word association."
Tim wonders why tonight seems to be the one night that Arkham's revolving door gets stuck.
-----
"Dog."
''Cat," says Connor. He really doesn't get the point of this.
"Truth."
"Justice."
"B-Batman," says Oracle firmly. "I think we've had quite enough of this. We aren't going to get anymore answers."
Batman glares at her. Connor remains as calm as possible. Batman then nods, and stands.
"I'll retrieve the others." He quickly comes back with them, and Tim looks quite annoyed. Dinah hands a paper over to Oracle, which the woman studies intently for a few minutes.
"It seems unlikely, I know," she starts, "but they don't seem to be traumatized by anything, at least not in anyway that leads to sexual dysfunction."
"I think we have to disqualify all Tim's answers," Batman states, "he knows enough that he could have faked them."
"Can't you just listen to us?" asks Tim exasperatedly. "We broke up. It happened to be because we weren't all too compatible in bed. We decided to be friends. I have no horrible trauma. Do I need to make a t-shirt?"
-----
Tim's protests go largely ignored, much to his dismay. Connor looks like he's just given up. Tim feels a pang of guilt at getting him involved in all of this. If Tim hadn't gotten the stupid idea that sending love poems to each other would stop all the matchmaking attempts.
They've been put in the holoroom while the 'grown-ups' discuss things.
"Maybe we could ask J'onn to read their minds and find out what's wrong?" asks Dinah.
"No, no. J'onn won't do it, not unless they agree, and they aren't going to do that anytime soon," says Babs.
"Well," says Bruce, sounding concerned, "maybe we should call in Clark, possibly there is something at the Fortress that can help..."
The sounds fade as the door closes.
Tim and Connor exchange a look of dismay.
"Well, this sucks," Tim says finally. Connor nods his agreement, and rests his head on Tim's shoulder with a soft moan.
"We are such idiots," he says. Tim is in heartfelt agreement. He turns to say as much, just as Connor lifts his head back up.
Their mouths smash together.
-----
Connor is kissing Tim. Tim is kissing Connor. Connor and Tim are kissing.
With the shock of it, it is several minutes before this fact actually sinks in, and they break apart, gaping at each other.
"Um," says Tim.
"Hm," agrees Connor.
Connor and Tim are kissing again.
This is, of course, when the others open the door to see them again.
"Yes!" exclaims Dinah, pumping her fist, and causing them to break the kiss with a startled jump.
She and Babs give each other high fives.
"I'm sorry I doubted you two," says Ollie, grinning.
"It was a good plan," Bruce admits.
"What was a good plan?" Tim asks suspiciously.
"We figured you two out quite early on," says Babs.
"Mainly because Connor is a terrible liar. He always looks so guilty afterwards," says Ollie.
"We figured, we'd make you pretend to be together until you realized you were actually attracted to each other."
"Unfortunately it took longer than we predicted," Bruce says gravely. "We didn't think you'd get the chance to mock a break-up before you got together."
"You're really lucky the mock therapy worked though," Dinah pipes up. "You really wouldn't have like our next plan."
"Hey! That was my plan."
"Really, Oliver. I would never have guessed that having them kidnapped and locked up together by 'freedom fighters' was your plan."
Tim hits the button to close the door again, ignoring their protests as he pulled Connor into another kiss.
The End.
-----
-----
-----
-----
Bonus! Alternate Ending. (This was an early ending idea, before I decided that Connor and Tim deserved some action after all of that. However, I still like this, so I've decided to share.)
-----
Tim's protests go largely ignored, much to his dismay. Connor looks like he's just given up. Tim feels a pang of guilt at getting him involved in all of this. If Tim hadn't gotten the stupid idea that sending love poems to each other would stop all the matchmaking attempts.
They've been put in the holoroom while the 'grown-ups' discuss things.
"Maybe we could ask J'onn to read their minds and find out what's wrong?" asks Dinah.
"No, no. J'onn won't do it, not unless they agree, and they aren't going to do that anytime soon," says Babs.
"Well," says Bruce, sounding concerned, "maybe we should call in Clark, possibly there is something at the Fortress that can help."
Tim and Connor exchange a look of dismay.
-----
It's really just very hard to lie to Superman, and thus the truth comes out.
Superman blinks at them, and then slowly shakes his head.
"You know, there are much easier ways of dealing with these things," he says. "If you'd been honest from the start you'd never have found yourselves in this situation, after all. And creating such a complex lie can really only backfire in the end."
Connor and Tim nod miserably in agreement.
"Alright then. You two just sit tight. I'll fix everything."
Tim listens attentively as Clark goes into the other room where their families are waiting.
"I've figured out the problem," Superman says gravely. Tim and Connor exchange a look of pure misery. They are going to be in so much trouble. "I ran some tests at the Fortress of Solitude and it turns they both got hit by a Bschivit Ray a few months ago."
Tim and Connor then exchange a look of pure confusion.
"Oh no!" exclaims Dinah, "what does that do?" This question is echoed by others.
"I'm afraid it has rendered them asexual," Clarks states gravely. Tim and Connor choke on air. Shocked exclamations come from the other room. "Don't panic," Clark says, "it will wear off eventually. Unfortunately, there is no telling when. Until then, I suggest you just be very careful around the topic of sex or dating around them. Don't want to push them into anything they're uncomfortable with after all. For now, I suggest we all just go home, and act like none of this ever happened. It's for the best really."
Tim and Connor continue to gape in confusion.
"I have no idea what just happened," Connor states slowly.
"I do," Tim states. "Clearly, these last six months have been some strange, probably drug-induced dream from an unfortunate run in with a super villain."
"Really?"
"No, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
-----
The Other End.
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Tim and Connor, with a side of the Bats, Arrows, and the rest of the usual suspects.
Summary: Tim and Connor are tired of people setting them up on dates. Perfectly good plans go terribly awry.
A/N: With Bonus Alternate Ending!
Connor had explained the plan to Tim. It had seemed like a practically fail proof plan, they'd all agreed.
They wanted to create a break-up that was realistic, allowed them to continue their friendship, and wouldn't cause their families to each hunt the other down and maim them.
The solution was really quite brilliant, Tim had to admit. Kyle certainly had a good idea.
They'd carefully announced that they'd decided they would be better off as friends. Naturally, their families would over-react, and doubtlessly interrogate them on what had happened. They'd protest that they'd just mistaken close friendship for something more, that they were good friends who shared a lot of common interests, and that they were attracted to each other, but it was nothing more than that.
The chances of anyone, especially Babs and Dinah, believing that, were slim to none.
So, naturally, more interrogation would occur. And then they would blush and manage to stammer out that they just weren't compatible in bed.
As Kyle had explained, even if you liked someone a lot, if the sex was absolutely terrible it just wouldn't work out.
Tim bites his lip and winces. It was going to probably be painful to explain and highly embarrassing, but, it would work. It would make sense that they would break up. Their families would satisfied with the explanation, but wouldn't be out for blood because one of them had hurt the other in any way.
It still left him with his civilian family and friends to deal with, but at least there might not be quite so many things going wrong all at once.
When he finally goes to sleep, it is with hope.
At breakfast, that fleeting bit of hope is promptly squashed with an announcement from Dana.
"We're going to be starting family therapy," she announces. Tim glances at his father, who looks as unhappy as Tim feels.
Really, this is just what he needs right now.
-----
When Kyle drops him off, Dinah and Ollie are waiting for him.
Well, Dinah at least. Ollie seems to have dozed off.
"Hey there, boyo," Dinah says gently. "How are you?" Connor smiles.
"I'm fine, really. Kyle dropped me off in Gotham and Robin and I talked." Dinah makes room for him on the couch, patting the cushion beside her and carefully waking Ollie.
"Connor! You're back."
"He and Robin talked," Dinah says, filling him in as Connor sits down.
"Oh, how did that go?" Connor smiles. It's a perfect opening.
"Good," he says honestly, "we decided we were better off as friends." There is a moment of silence.
"You broke up?" Dinah asks finally, and she and Ollie look very concerned. Connor shrugs.
"We both agreed that things weren't working. We're good friends, but we just aren't meant to be more." He sees Dinah and Ollie exchange a Look, and then he's being hugged from both sides.
"What'd the bastard do?" Ollie demands in a fierce whisper.
"He didn't do anything, really," Connor says, "we're just better friends then we are boyfriends," he finishes. Dinah and Ollie exchange another look.
"Connor, boyo," Dinah says gently, "we can't help if we don't know what's wrong." Connor sighs.
"It's nothing you can help with, really, we just weren't - dating didn't work out, we're better off as friends."
"Did he break it off with you because his folks found out?" Ollie questions. Connor shakes his head.
"No, no. That wasn't part of it. This was coming for a while now."
"You were having problems? Is it because you don't get to see each other enough, because we can make sure that-"
"That's really not the problem," Connor protests, "It's just, we're better off as friends. Can we just leave it at that?"
"Dammit, what happened-"
"Boyo, if you'd just tell us-"
"The sex was really horrible, okay?" Connor blurts out. He doesn't need to put any effort into faking a blush, he's beat red already. Ollie and Dinah are looking at him in shock. "We just weren't- compatible- in bed," he mumbles, not looking at either of them. "We decided we'd be better off as friends."
-----
Steph shows up that night, hair spiked up and Robin suits on. He can almost see how, from a distance, people might not notice the difference between them. Layers of armor still do nothing to conceal the fact that Steph is undoubtedly female though.
It's kind of like looking into a fun house mirror, up until she flicks off the white-out lenses.
"So, how's life?" Tim lets himself fall back on the bed with a groan.
"My step-mother has signed us up for family therapy, my friends are headed for a career in truancy, my ex-girlfriend is cross-dressing in order to impersonate me, and I have recently acquired an ex-boyfriend."
"What? You and Connor broke up?" Steph exclaims, and Tim has to mime for her to lower her voice.
"Yes."
"What happened?" Tim shrugs.
"We figured out that we'd be better off as friends." Steph raises an eyebrow. It's quite amazing how everyone in their extended family ends up mimicking Alfred's patented eyebrow raise of disbelief.
"Okay, but what happened?" Tim makes sure to give Steph a measuring look.
"The sex was horrible," Tim sighs, and Steph squeaks out a noise of surprise. "It really was. It was awkward, and strange, and I'm pretty sure I elbowed him in the face by accident a couple times, and it just wasn't working." Steph gapes at him for a few minutes.
Then she giggles. Tim glares at her. She giggles harder.
"I'm sorry," she says, trying to collect herself, "really I am, but you elbowed him in the face?" she questions, and Tim had been making it up as he went along, so he just shrugs and blushes. "Surely it couldn't have been that bad," she says, "I mean, a least a bit of it must have been enjoyable."
"I can honestly say that Connor and I had absolutely zero enjoyable sex," Tim says truthfully. They hadn't had any sex at all, but Steph doesn't need to know that.
Steph gives him a concerned look.
"Oh, Boy blunder..."
-----
Connor has been carefully ushered off to bed.
He lies awake, listening to Ollie attempt to argue quietly with someone who is far better at being quite than himself.
Suddenly, the door opens, and Mia is pushed into the room. Mia glares back at the door, before sitting herself down on his bed.
"Hi," she says, "I know you're awake so you can sit up already." Connor sighs, and does so.
"What is it?" he asks kindly. Mia smirks wryly.
"Apparently Ollie has some plan on us mutually bonding over sexual trauma. Slight problem with his plan though: you don't look all that traumatized, other than at the thought of having to talk about sex with Ollie, and I know I'm far from traumatized, again excepting the idea of talking about sex with Ollie, so his plans pretty useless."
"Agreed," says Connor. Mia smiles.
"That said, is there anything you want to talk about?" Connor shrugs.
"Not really. Sex was, well, bad, and we figured it's probably just 'cause we aren't meant to be lovers. We decided to be friends, and Ollie and Dinah over-reacted about our break-up." Mia 'hmms', then shrugs.
"Just be glad they didn’t drag Roy into it," she says finally.
"I am," Connor says from the depths of his heart. "I have had more than enough of strip-clubs, thank you very much."
Mia erupts into giggles.
-----
Things seem to be going fairly well. Connor had phoned to say things were awkward but getting back to normal at in Star City, Bernard and Darla seemed to be thinking that it would be best just to not talk about Connor or things related to Connor for a while, and it was all quiet on the Bat front about the breakup.
Even the family therapy wasn't so bad, because it turned out Tim knew just as much about psychotherapy as their family psychotherapist did, and was able to convince her that he was a perfectly normal teenager with relatively low level of teenage angst, and that his father was really the only one with any psychological issues.
Or at least, things seemed to be going very well until he gets woken up in the dead of night. He has a split second to get into a defensive position as the dark figure comes through the window. He realizes it's Bruce, relaxes his guard, and gets promptly hit with a nerve-strike.
Batman slings him over his shoulder, and Tim gets carried out of the house.
Apparently, he's being kidnapped.
Apparently, he's being taken to Oracle.
Apparently, Tim is very, very confused.
He is even more confused when the arrive at the Clock Tower, and Tim finds that Connor is there, strapped to a chair, calmly surveying the surroundings.
"Hello," Connor says, and Bruce sets him down in the adjacent chair, strapping him in as well. Tim glares at Bruce as the effects of the nerve-strike begin to wear off.
"Hello," he manages to say after a few minutes. Assembled in front of them are Oliver, Dinah, Babs, and Bruce. "What is this?" he asks warily.
"We're going to help you save your relationship," Babs declares. Tim gets a sinking feeling.
God, please, no
-----
Connor feels his eyes start to glaze over as he begins to go into shock.
The Batman attempting to be your therapist would do that to anyone, he's sure.
The red-head woman, apparently the Oracle, is also attempting to play therapist. Ollie and Dinah are apparently here for moral support, Connor assumes, because he's pretty sure neither one of them knows anything about psychotherapy.
"As you're both perfectly healthy, it's probably a psychological problem," Oracle states, "thus I'm sure if we get to the bottom of it things will improve."
"Now," Batman says gruffly, "you said the sex was bad. By bad, do you mean uncomfortable or painful?"
"We are not having this discussion," says Tim, sounding every inch as horrified as Connor feels.
"Yes, we are," says Oracle. "You're going to answer the question, and any others we ask, no matter how personal or embarrassing, because that is how we're going to fix things."
"Everything is going to be okay, we promise," Dinah says.
Ollie seems to be staring intently at the ceiling and humming Peace Train to himself. Loudly.
Connor rather suspects that Dinah has forced him to be here. It is nice to know that he and Tim aren't the only ones suffering.
"Uncomfortable," Connor mutters finally, "now can we go?" he asks hopefully.
His hopes are promptly squashed.
"Right," says Oracle brightly, "that's a start. Now, I think it's best we work our way through this list of potential issues one by one. Alright, first, how do you each feel about your body image?"
-----
"Butterfly," Tim says tiredly, and Dinah diligently holds up yet another ink blot for him to look at and records the answer beside a number. Oliver is sitting in a chair beside her, looking through the ones Tim had already seen in confusion.
Tim is actually quite glad they'd decided to switch subjects for 'objectivity'. He does not want to have Bruce and Babs doing this.
"Butterfly," Tim says again.
"Butterfly."
"Butterfly."
"Dragonfly."
"Butterfly."
"Sistine Chapel."
"Really?" asks Dinah, turning the card over in surprise, and studying it.
"No, I just saw another butterfly." Dinah gives him a glare, but Oliver is snickering.
"Fine then," says Dinah, "let's move on to some word association."
Tim wonders why tonight seems to be the one night that Arkham's revolving door gets stuck.
-----
"Dog."
''Cat," says Connor. He really doesn't get the point of this.
"Truth."
"Justice."
"B-Batman," says Oracle firmly. "I think we've had quite enough of this. We aren't going to get anymore answers."
Batman glares at her. Connor remains as calm as possible. Batman then nods, and stands.
"I'll retrieve the others." He quickly comes back with them, and Tim looks quite annoyed. Dinah hands a paper over to Oracle, which the woman studies intently for a few minutes.
"It seems unlikely, I know," she starts, "but they don't seem to be traumatized by anything, at least not in anyway that leads to sexual dysfunction."
"I think we have to disqualify all Tim's answers," Batman states, "he knows enough that he could have faked them."
"Can't you just listen to us?" asks Tim exasperatedly. "We broke up. It happened to be because we weren't all too compatible in bed. We decided to be friends. I have no horrible trauma. Do I need to make a t-shirt?"
-----
Tim's protests go largely ignored, much to his dismay. Connor looks like he's just given up. Tim feels a pang of guilt at getting him involved in all of this. If Tim hadn't gotten the stupid idea that sending love poems to each other would stop all the matchmaking attempts.
They've been put in the holoroom while the 'grown-ups' discuss things.
"Maybe we could ask J'onn to read their minds and find out what's wrong?" asks Dinah.
"No, no. J'onn won't do it, not unless they agree, and they aren't going to do that anytime soon," says Babs.
"Well," says Bruce, sounding concerned, "maybe we should call in Clark, possibly there is something at the Fortress that can help..."
The sounds fade as the door closes.
Tim and Connor exchange a look of dismay.
"Well, this sucks," Tim says finally. Connor nods his agreement, and rests his head on Tim's shoulder with a soft moan.
"We are such idiots," he says. Tim is in heartfelt agreement. He turns to say as much, just as Connor lifts his head back up.
Their mouths smash together.
-----
Connor is kissing Tim. Tim is kissing Connor. Connor and Tim are kissing.
With the shock of it, it is several minutes before this fact actually sinks in, and they break apart, gaping at each other.
"Um," says Tim.
"Hm," agrees Connor.
Connor and Tim are kissing again.
This is, of course, when the others open the door to see them again.
"Yes!" exclaims Dinah, pumping her fist, and causing them to break the kiss with a startled jump.
She and Babs give each other high fives.
"I'm sorry I doubted you two," says Ollie, grinning.
"It was a good plan," Bruce admits.
"What was a good plan?" Tim asks suspiciously.
"We figured you two out quite early on," says Babs.
"Mainly because Connor is a terrible liar. He always looks so guilty afterwards," says Ollie.
"We figured, we'd make you pretend to be together until you realized you were actually attracted to each other."
"Unfortunately it took longer than we predicted," Bruce says gravely. "We didn't think you'd get the chance to mock a break-up before you got together."
"You're really lucky the mock therapy worked though," Dinah pipes up. "You really wouldn't have like our next plan."
"Hey! That was my plan."
"Really, Oliver. I would never have guessed that having them kidnapped and locked up together by 'freedom fighters' was your plan."
Tim hits the button to close the door again, ignoring their protests as he pulled Connor into another kiss.
The End.
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Bonus! Alternate Ending. (This was an early ending idea, before I decided that Connor and Tim deserved some action after all of that. However, I still like this, so I've decided to share.)
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Tim's protests go largely ignored, much to his dismay. Connor looks like he's just given up. Tim feels a pang of guilt at getting him involved in all of this. If Tim hadn't gotten the stupid idea that sending love poems to each other would stop all the matchmaking attempts.
They've been put in the holoroom while the 'grown-ups' discuss things.
"Maybe we could ask J'onn to read their minds and find out what's wrong?" asks Dinah.
"No, no. J'onn won't do it, not unless they agree, and they aren't going to do that anytime soon," says Babs.
"Well," says Bruce, sounding concerned, "maybe we should call in Clark, possibly there is something at the Fortress that can help."
Tim and Connor exchange a look of dismay.
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It's really just very hard to lie to Superman, and thus the truth comes out.
Superman blinks at them, and then slowly shakes his head.
"You know, there are much easier ways of dealing with these things," he says. "If you'd been honest from the start you'd never have found yourselves in this situation, after all. And creating such a complex lie can really only backfire in the end."
Connor and Tim nod miserably in agreement.
"Alright then. You two just sit tight. I'll fix everything."
Tim listens attentively as Clark goes into the other room where their families are waiting.
"I've figured out the problem," Superman says gravely. Tim and Connor exchange a look of pure misery. They are going to be in so much trouble. "I ran some tests at the Fortress of Solitude and it turns they both got hit by a Bschivit Ray a few months ago."
Tim and Connor then exchange a look of pure confusion.
"Oh no!" exclaims Dinah, "what does that do?" This question is echoed by others.
"I'm afraid it has rendered them asexual," Clarks states gravely. Tim and Connor choke on air. Shocked exclamations come from the other room. "Don't panic," Clark says, "it will wear off eventually. Unfortunately, there is no telling when. Until then, I suggest you just be very careful around the topic of sex or dating around them. Don't want to push them into anything they're uncomfortable with after all. For now, I suggest we all just go home, and act like none of this ever happened. It's for the best really."
Tim and Connor continue to gape in confusion.
"I have no idea what just happened," Connor states slowly.
"I do," Tim states. "Clearly, these last six months have been some strange, probably drug-induced dream from an unfortunate run in with a super villain."
"Really?"
"No, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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The Other End.