A Short Work Of Fiction

[trentmurdoc]

The wet, streamlined rubber thudded hypnotically as the black 86’ Cadillac convertible jetted down the main drag of the 826 e-way. Or, as it was more popularly known to the Miami locals, the Palmetto-a weaving, flat-out, high-speed burn that collided, sometimes quite violently, with US-1. Thursday blasted on the car stereo at 225-plus decibels. The

Comments

[dramallama]

dude, that was seriously an amazing story. i loved every minute of it. ur vocabulary is fucking awesome man. that was soooo good. one thing, because im an idiot edit freak, like if u want to send that into a contest or something....

in the 5th paragraph, like the 10th line, the sentence "Sara kept sliding back over to the desk before we got in complaining that her hand hadn’t been stamped.". the whole time ur talking about ethan, from a third person point of view. so im pretty sure "we" should be changed to "they".

good job bro, cant wait to hear another one.

xo

[euphoricism]

Damned good. Damned good. The details were vivid, and the descriptions were clear. Awesome job

not bad, not excellent...good start on your journalism career

[drowningmyfate]

live to fuck then die

Re: not bad, not excellent...good start on your journalism career

[trentmurdoc]

thanks for the advice
really.

a few notes from the editor to clarify though:

1. this story has no real plot, it was more of an emotion i was trying to convey, like a radiohead song: when you interpret it literally it doesnt make sense but you get a feeling. thats the point.

2. he killed himself because he was sick of getting girls drunk and taking their virginity. his conscience had convinced him it was such a lowly thing to do but he supressed the feeling and kept at it untill the pressure was too much and he shot himself.

3. he was relieved because he finally found an answer, an end, a way out to the shit thats been eating away at his soul (see above) albeit a useless and disillusioned one.

i should have clarified those points a bit more. but hey, its a fucking start.
thanks for all the comments everyone.
more soon.

-NJH

that sara will grow up to be a disease ridden tramp

[neff730]

i dont think it's fucking trite. the ending shocked me but i was able to guess what you were trying to say by it, although i think you need to accentuate the monotony of what he's doing. for a while i didn't know his activities were a routine of his. i think that you don't portray what he's doing negatively enough to help the reader surmise what the climax of the story will be, do you know what i mean? i like the way you show what he's experiencing as opposed to telling about it. but i think the ending is slightly histrionic. ya know, i'm glad you wrote this story though because you are in the same age group as the protagonist. except you realize the social ramifications of all the conventional teenage activities and that's pretty cool.

miss u