(no subject)
I feel the need to just sit and clear my brain of all the crazy shit which has been passing through it.
Due to increased content of this post, I am going to take a Scott-esque approach and list the topics of my concern before elaborating one them.
School's out
I have finished the semester, and for this I am grateful. I am now about $3000 poorer (not counting all the time I lost wherein I could be working) but I have gained some freakish nursing terms like: 'hermeneutic' 'In-relation' and 'Epistemology', of course to be used within context. I've enjoyed having extra time this semester and having a student loan has really helped, although I can't help but stress about paying it back and being in debt. It's just so frustrating to be climbing to the top yet sinking all at once. I have been extremely successful in my grades, however for some reason, I still feel like I should have done better. I guess i have to consult my phenomenology to truly understand why. I suppose it's because of that C+ that my mom yelled at me about in high school. But to be honest, it sometimes surprises me that I have been so successful. Considering I spent the first 5 years of school not understanding why the hell I had to learn when playing was so much more fun. Dan thinks I just started questioning at an early age, but my teachers then thought I was retarded, "quiet" and "slow". I was put in learning assistance before they realized it wasn't because I was stupid, I just wasn't doing anything. So here I am, 13 years later, and performing outstandingly at University despite this history. Anyways, what this all comes down to is this: Lately I have been wondering if I was affected at all by drugs and alcohol possibly consumed while I was in utero. I mean I know my mom smoked when she was pregnant with me, and I was affected by this as a child with chronic bronchitis, asthma and recurrent ear infections (which I still get). So it's not hard to draw the line between 'Your parents did drugs' (fact) to 'Your parents did drugs while you were in the womb' (question). But let's not go blaming anyone here, the knowledge about how marijuana and alcohol affects fetal development didn't exist when our generation was being conceived! No one's doctor told them not to do this and avoid this and certainly don't paint your house or dye your hair! no, no! Most women didn't even see their doctor. So is it possible, that when I was young I didn't know how to use my brain, but I have since grown into its capacity?
But with school done, Jen and I set out on an adventure of Fujiya, Bubbletea, shopping for things we clearly don't need and talking about boys and sex and funtimes. We headed back to the hatch to watch Borat and drink some beer before heading down town once more, chugging a six pack (and getting a lot of attention for it) getting kicked off of the roof of the Yates Street parkade, then meeting up with Jen's friend Josh, who I know randomly.
The highlights:
The hatch
We moved, we've cleaned, we've settled, and last night, we watched LOST from the hatch. I'm really really impressed with how it all turned out, after personalizing the space a bit more than I was able when I moved in next door. It was way too difficult to make that place look clean, so we just didn't, whereas here, it's not so hard, and I want to take pride in this space. It helps that the walls aren't all (sortof) white. Nice bright green, yellows, and taupe... it all kind of brightens up my days. I like that this kitchen doesn't take up half the space, although it might be a touch too small.
Now, for pictures!
(Unfortunately these photos don't represent the vivid colours of the kitchen and bedrooms, but nonetheless...)
Live-ins
If everything works out, I'll be making just $500 short of my $3000 tuition in the next three weeks. I have agreed to do 4 live-in shifts a week for the next three weeks, starting tomorrow (friday) at 11AM and ending tuesday at 11AM. I get three hour breaks each day, but the place is out in Metchosin, so travel time drastically reduces my Daniel time. ;) It's too bad I'll be doing these over the weekends, but it was important to me that I didn't get my days off on the days that Dan was working. I plan to daydream a lot, and read and study for the Canadian Registered Nurses Exam (CRNE, for future reference, because I know I'll be bringing it up again!) So I'll be paid for 52 hours a week doing live-ins and I am still allowed to work on wednesdays as usual if I want, but it sounds like I might not. The important part is that I don't miss LOST because it's getting really fucking intense with all the Juliette shit. She's a fucking traitor and I was just starting to like her. Back to the live-ins, the woman is late-stage dementia, meaning she has gibberish speech and behaviour problems (ie, she hits). Which kind of sucks, because I'd way rather be doing live-ins with a mild-moderate dementia woman so we could take walks and chat about seemingly inappropriate things, like rape and pubic hair. However, I can't complain because I'll likely be just sitting there most of the time. Changing a diaper every hour or so and cutting up food and watching her eat. $2500. I'm excited to daydream about the wedding because I've thought about it so little in the last month.
Being In-relation
The gist of this is that we don't live independently. We live in relation to others. Our perceptions of ourselves are only in relation to other people and our relationship with others are the only reason we are who we are today. Like the only reason I plan on dressing my children like your retarded cousin is because that's how I dressed myself when I was a kid. And the only reason I did that is because my parents let me dress myself from an early age. I never learned how to coordinate outfits like some girls and now I'm just lucky I found a guy who doesn't seem to mind so much lol. With that said, I am learning to live in relation to others at the moment. Small changes create big waves. I remember when I was a VERY SMALL child, like say, 7 or 8? One of my best friends was this little old lady who lived down the way. She taught me how to cross stitch and from time to time my mom would let me sleep over. She wasn't my nana, but we got along well. She had no little girls for grandchildren, only little boys, who would pick on me, but little ol' Elsie, she would stand up for me. I still enjoy being with people who are older than me. I just find stories from "back in the day" or even just from the 70's or 80's a lot more fun than those of my own time. There's so much wisdom and critical thinking coming out of the 40 to 50 year old population. They are an interesting generation because they've live through a sexual revolution, in fact they WERE the sexual revolution and they aren't really old and they aren't really young. They aren't the Veterans, but they aren't the generation X. Although i like these people, i find I like them only in relation to certain things. For example,i can't be with my mother when my sister is around because she drives me nuts. Same thing if Dan is there. She's just not the same person in relation to me as she is with others. So I'm finding myself thinking this of most people. being in relation to one another ruins it all. Like whatever intelligent thing you had to say before so-and-so showed up has liquified, drained from you brain and is puddling at your feet as you step in it and make a mess of it. I guess that's why i like people like Scott who seem to be more or less the same regardless of the situation. louder or quieter. But me? I'm a completely different person depending on who I'm with. But which me is best? I have self-esteem issues on in relation to certain people. I feel intelligent only in relation to certain people. The way we've decorated our house is nice only in relation to certain people. I am stressed only in relation to certain people. I'm happy only in relation to certain people. It's fascinating. It certainly doesn't make me feel lonely knowing that I only exist based on my relationships with other people. And I certainly do exist. But I suppose I have to go back to my elderly friends and ask the question: "What kind of existence is this?" when I don't feel so good. I just need to gain perspective.
*****EDIT:
I just had a thought about gender roles in Dan and I's relationship. Although i think he and I try to make a conscious effort to level the paying field, there are historical scripts which kind of set us to cruise control on gender roles. I'm in love with my vacuum and Dan has really taken to tools. Now is this conditioned? or is it strictly in our genetic make up to satisfy these activities which discriminate between gender roles? Dan is stronger than I am, but that doesn't mean I can't lift. Dan can cook better than I can and shop better than I can. I reserve being a better baker, but this is what I'm talking about. The sexual revolution only happened because we're in-relation. Women were in relation to one another to work together to progress the sex. But unfortunately, we've all identified with what our strengths are as women and there seems to be some disagreement. I suppose some appreciate that we don't have to wait to be married to have sex in order to be pure and honourable. In fact, the sex is really moving forward to be accepted as anything but "whorish" no matter how many people she has sex with or reveals herself to. (Is it progression? I'd say it's working toward equality, but is it positive?) I'm glad I can get an education, and identify myself as educated. Personally, my brain is definitely my most valued body part. I'd like to be respected that way. I think I am, but it's possibly by default. I'm also really glad sexual harassment is so serious now.
*****
Maybe it doesn't make sense entirely to you, but in my head, it's all about how I see myself. How I am lifted and how I sink depending on what I pay attention to. It's about the behaviour and actions and others and my perception of it all.
It's interesting though, based on what I've said, why we all seem to need so much reassurance from other people. It might be because without it, we're nothing. There is no intrinsic value (unless you base much of your existence on your relationship with God, but still I'd say that giving oneself worth based on being loved by God is still extrinsic worth)
Due to increased content of this post, I am going to take a Scott-esque approach and list the topics of my concern before elaborating one them.
School's out
I have finished the semester, and for this I am grateful. I am now about $3000 poorer (not counting all the time I lost wherein I could be working) but I have gained some freakish nursing terms like: 'hermeneutic' 'In-relation' and 'Epistemology', of course to be used within context. I've enjoyed having extra time this semester and having a student loan has really helped, although I can't help but stress about paying it back and being in debt. It's just so frustrating to be climbing to the top yet sinking all at once. I have been extremely successful in my grades, however for some reason, I still feel like I should have done better. I guess i have to consult my phenomenology to truly understand why. I suppose it's because of that C+ that my mom yelled at me about in high school. But to be honest, it sometimes surprises me that I have been so successful. Considering I spent the first 5 years of school not understanding why the hell I had to learn when playing was so much more fun. Dan thinks I just started questioning at an early age, but my teachers then thought I was retarded, "quiet" and "slow". I was put in learning assistance before they realized it wasn't because I was stupid, I just wasn't doing anything. So here I am, 13 years later, and performing outstandingly at University despite this history. Anyways, what this all comes down to is this: Lately I have been wondering if I was affected at all by drugs and alcohol possibly consumed while I was in utero. I mean I know my mom smoked when she was pregnant with me, and I was affected by this as a child with chronic bronchitis, asthma and recurrent ear infections (which I still get). So it's not hard to draw the line between 'Your parents did drugs' (fact) to 'Your parents did drugs while you were in the womb' (question). But let's not go blaming anyone here, the knowledge about how marijuana and alcohol affects fetal development didn't exist when our generation was being conceived! No one's doctor told them not to do this and avoid this and certainly don't paint your house or dye your hair! no, no! Most women didn't even see their doctor. So is it possible, that when I was young I didn't know how to use my brain, but I have since grown into its capacity?
But with school done, Jen and I set out on an adventure of Fujiya, Bubbletea, shopping for things we clearly don't need and talking about boys and sex and funtimes. We headed back to the hatch to watch Borat and drink some beer before heading down town once more, chugging a six pack (and getting a lot of attention for it) getting kicked off of the roof of the Yates Street parkade, then meeting up with Jen's friend Josh, who I know randomly.
The highlights:
The hatch
We moved, we've cleaned, we've settled, and last night, we watched LOST from the hatch. I'm really really impressed with how it all turned out, after personalizing the space a bit more than I was able when I moved in next door. It was way too difficult to make that place look clean, so we just didn't, whereas here, it's not so hard, and I want to take pride in this space. It helps that the walls aren't all (sortof) white. Nice bright green, yellows, and taupe... it all kind of brightens up my days. I like that this kitchen doesn't take up half the space, although it might be a touch too small.
Now, for pictures!
(Unfortunately these photos don't represent the vivid colours of the kitchen and bedrooms, but nonetheless...)
Live-ins
If everything works out, I'll be making just $500 short of my $3000 tuition in the next three weeks. I have agreed to do 4 live-in shifts a week for the next three weeks, starting tomorrow (friday) at 11AM and ending tuesday at 11AM. I get three hour breaks each day, but the place is out in Metchosin, so travel time drastically reduces my Daniel time. ;) It's too bad I'll be doing these over the weekends, but it was important to me that I didn't get my days off on the days that Dan was working. I plan to daydream a lot, and read and study for the Canadian Registered Nurses Exam (CRNE, for future reference, because I know I'll be bringing it up again!) So I'll be paid for 52 hours a week doing live-ins and I am still allowed to work on wednesdays as usual if I want, but it sounds like I might not. The important part is that I don't miss LOST because it's getting really fucking intense with all the Juliette shit. She's a fucking traitor and I was just starting to like her. Back to the live-ins, the woman is late-stage dementia, meaning she has gibberish speech and behaviour problems (ie, she hits). Which kind of sucks, because I'd way rather be doing live-ins with a mild-moderate dementia woman so we could take walks and chat about seemingly inappropriate things, like rape and pubic hair. However, I can't complain because I'll likely be just sitting there most of the time. Changing a diaper every hour or so and cutting up food and watching her eat. $2500. I'm excited to daydream about the wedding because I've thought about it so little in the last month.
Being In-relation
The gist of this is that we don't live independently. We live in relation to others. Our perceptions of ourselves are only in relation to other people and our relationship with others are the only reason we are who we are today. Like the only reason I plan on dressing my children like your retarded cousin is because that's how I dressed myself when I was a kid. And the only reason I did that is because my parents let me dress myself from an early age. I never learned how to coordinate outfits like some girls and now I'm just lucky I found a guy who doesn't seem to mind so much lol. With that said, I am learning to live in relation to others at the moment. Small changes create big waves. I remember when I was a VERY SMALL child, like say, 7 or 8? One of my best friends was this little old lady who lived down the way. She taught me how to cross stitch and from time to time my mom would let me sleep over. She wasn't my nana, but we got along well. She had no little girls for grandchildren, only little boys, who would pick on me, but little ol' Elsie, she would stand up for me. I still enjoy being with people who are older than me. I just find stories from "back in the day" or even just from the 70's or 80's a lot more fun than those of my own time. There's so much wisdom and critical thinking coming out of the 40 to 50 year old population. They are an interesting generation because they've live through a sexual revolution, in fact they WERE the sexual revolution and they aren't really old and they aren't really young. They aren't the Veterans, but they aren't the generation X. Although i like these people, i find I like them only in relation to certain things. For example,i can't be with my mother when my sister is around because she drives me nuts. Same thing if Dan is there. She's just not the same person in relation to me as she is with others. So I'm finding myself thinking this of most people. being in relation to one another ruins it all. Like whatever intelligent thing you had to say before so-and-so showed up has liquified, drained from you brain and is puddling at your feet as you step in it and make a mess of it. I guess that's why i like people like Scott who seem to be more or less the same regardless of the situation. louder or quieter. But me? I'm a completely different person depending on who I'm with. But which me is best? I have self-esteem issues on in relation to certain people. I feel intelligent only in relation to certain people. The way we've decorated our house is nice only in relation to certain people. I am stressed only in relation to certain people. I'm happy only in relation to certain people. It's fascinating. It certainly doesn't make me feel lonely knowing that I only exist based on my relationships with other people. And I certainly do exist. But I suppose I have to go back to my elderly friends and ask the question: "What kind of existence is this?" when I don't feel so good. I just need to gain perspective.
*****EDIT:
I just had a thought about gender roles in Dan and I's relationship. Although i think he and I try to make a conscious effort to level the paying field, there are historical scripts which kind of set us to cruise control on gender roles. I'm in love with my vacuum and Dan has really taken to tools. Now is this conditioned? or is it strictly in our genetic make up to satisfy these activities which discriminate between gender roles? Dan is stronger than I am, but that doesn't mean I can't lift. Dan can cook better than I can and shop better than I can. I reserve being a better baker, but this is what I'm talking about. The sexual revolution only happened because we're in-relation. Women were in relation to one another to work together to progress the sex. But unfortunately, we've all identified with what our strengths are as women and there seems to be some disagreement. I suppose some appreciate that we don't have to wait to be married to have sex in order to be pure and honourable. In fact, the sex is really moving forward to be accepted as anything but "whorish" no matter how many people she has sex with or reveals herself to. (Is it progression? I'd say it's working toward equality, but is it positive?) I'm glad I can get an education, and identify myself as educated. Personally, my brain is definitely my most valued body part. I'd like to be respected that way. I think I am, but it's possibly by default. I'm also really glad sexual harassment is so serious now.
*****
Maybe it doesn't make sense entirely to you, but in my head, it's all about how I see myself. How I am lifted and how I sink depending on what I pay attention to. It's about the behaviour and actions and others and my perception of it all.
It's interesting though, based on what I've said, why we all seem to need so much reassurance from other people. It might be because without it, we're nothing. There is no intrinsic value (unless you base much of your existence on your relationship with God, but still I'd say that giving oneself worth based on being loved by God is still extrinsic worth)