On the flip side
There is one important lesson that I learned from christianity. A christian once told me that without hell, heaven was just another place. What this meant to me is that without the bad things in life, how can we define good? Without pain, what is peace and comfort? Without rape and murder, how can we feel security and happiness?
This whole concept makes me appreciate my humble roots. It makes me appreciate a lot of things. I have so much violence in my past and so much hatred that very simple things like a moment's peace and comfort makes me happy for days. I also have issues with insecurity, jealousy, and guilt because of my past. I am not saying it because I want an excuse, but more so that I can look at it from a different perspective.
I am a pessimistic but happy person...maybe I am a realist...? I guess it doesn't really matter. My parents have broken up for good. Most people, upon hearing this, express their condolences. It is a good thing that my parents are no longer together. My mother is a whore. My father is jealous and tempermental. It was only a matter of time before dad found mom with another guy and killed her.
My mom has made my life a living hell. I recently gave her another chance. I forgot everything and opened up to her...gave her another chance. She crushed my heart once again. I guess I was a sucker. It hurt none the less. I thought that I was immune to the pain that she gives. You would think that after 22 years of nonstop betrayal I would have figured it out by now. I am not stupid. I am not gullible. I guess since I recently let my heart melt, that I would try to forgive and forget. I guess forgiveness is good but forgetting is bad. So, after 20 years of knowing full well that my mother is a creature that only gives pain, I let her do it to me again.
I am in love. I am happy with my boyfriend. I am very happy. He makes every day seem like a gift. He always tells me what I am worth to him. He suprises me constantly with the depth of the emotions that he feels. I feel unworthy. I am selfish and jealous still. I have so many insecurities. I don't know how to get over it. I really do not. I don't sit and worry about what I suck at, but I can't seem to feel secure in myself at any cost. All that I have is false ego. I so often think that I have my shit together, but the truth is, I am just as nuts as the next person.
Matt helps me a lot with my insecurities. I just don't konw how to fix that particular wound.
My mother hates me...why do I still care? She is a crack whore and tells me how much I suck no matter what I am doing. I don't love her. How can she still hurt me this badly? Why after all of the years, all of the armor, and all of the pain, can I still be hurt by the bitch? Why do I allow it?
It is hard to be my friend. The reason is because it is so very hard to let anyone in. My friends are my family, because I have no other family. I have two people who I trust with my very soul. There are maybe five people that I consider close friends. My family would just as soon shoot me as see me. It is the way that they are. I am female, and worthless in their eyes.
It hurts. I go home because I have brothers. I love my brothers. I don't want them to think that they are unloved. I raised my brothers when I was very much no older than they. They had someone who took care of them, who loved them, they had me. I had no one. I had a crack whore mother who was always getting the fuck beat out of her...and in the end she still cared more about getting crack(even with the abuse) than she did about me.
I have happiness now. I have Matt. He makes me feel safe and loved, no matter what. Why is it, that now, when I am happy, that I start to go back over some of the most painful things in my life? Why is it that now that I have a family and people that I love, that my mother has to revamp my entire childhood? Why does Bill have to go through this shit? I can't just run off and be happy. I have brothers that need to know I am there for them. My father leans on me for emotional and psychological support. Why do I always have to be the strong one? Why do I have to deal with everyone's emotional bullshit? Why do I have to be the one that says everything is okay, and then also have to make it that way?
Fuck.