*sigh*
Sorry, I have to write this and at least have the chance that someone can help me out.
I really don't know what's wrong with me lately. I seems like every time I get things up and running smoothly, the evil inside of me just oozes out, ruining all of my hard work. I hate how this always happens to me.
This isn't meant to be a "poor pitiful Amanda" post, so I'm sorry if it's coming off that way. I don't want it to be that way, anyway.
Why is it that I just cannot communicate my feelings with people that care about me and I them? I will tell myself that it can't hurt me and that it will make things go better.. and then I just sit there, staring at the wall or out the window or away while he talks to me? I know how it must look, me not paying any attention, but I am. I am listening to every word and letting it sink in, letting the words bounce around my head. And then I think of what I should say.. and then I think of what he might say.. and then I'm afraid to say anything at all for fear that it'll be the wrong thing and then.. then we'll be over.
And then it goes downhill from there, all because I'm afraid of sharing how I feel about a situation.
*sigh*
That doesn't count the times that I misunderstand something or the times that I say things that I don't even remember saying five minutes later. That's something that has worried me, the forgetting. Earlier in the week, we had a fight.. and then I said something and went to take a shower. While I was in the shower, I was trying to go over everything that we had said to each other, and I couldn't remember what I had just said. And I almost panicked, thinking that maybe I had said something really horrible or flippant. It makes me want to carry around a tape recorder, so that I know just how I'm saying things to other people. Are all of my conversations sarcastic and mean? I don't know, and it makes me worry that one day I'm going to lose my friends over it.
I just really wish that I know how to talk. to people, to trust them. I'm tired of feeling so fucking lonely and sad. God, I can't even write this without starting to cry. What's wrong with me?
I really don't know what's wrong with me lately. I seems like every time I get things up and running smoothly, the evil inside of me just oozes out, ruining all of my hard work. I hate how this always happens to me.
This isn't meant to be a "poor pitiful Amanda" post, so I'm sorry if it's coming off that way. I don't want it to be that way, anyway.
Why is it that I just cannot communicate my feelings with people that care about me and I them? I will tell myself that it can't hurt me and that it will make things go better.. and then I just sit there, staring at the wall or out the window or away while he talks to me? I know how it must look, me not paying any attention, but I am. I am listening to every word and letting it sink in, letting the words bounce around my head. And then I think of what I should say.. and then I think of what he might say.. and then I'm afraid to say anything at all for fear that it'll be the wrong thing and then.. then we'll be over.
And then it goes downhill from there, all because I'm afraid of sharing how I feel about a situation.
*sigh*
That doesn't count the times that I misunderstand something or the times that I say things that I don't even remember saying five minutes later. That's something that has worried me, the forgetting. Earlier in the week, we had a fight.. and then I said something and went to take a shower. While I was in the shower, I was trying to go over everything that we had said to each other, and I couldn't remember what I had just said. And I almost panicked, thinking that maybe I had said something really horrible or flippant. It makes me want to carry around a tape recorder, so that I know just how I'm saying things to other people. Are all of my conversations sarcastic and mean? I don't know, and it makes me worry that one day I'm going to lose my friends over it.
I just really wish that I know how to talk. to people, to trust them. I'm tired of feeling so fucking lonely and sad. God, I can't even write this without starting to cry. What's wrong with me?