Past, Present & Future, Chapter 15
Chapter 15: Starting Over
His head felt heavy; he wanted to open his eyes but his mind wanted them to remain closed. He felt like his body was being buried under a huge stone. Painful… it’s hard to breathe… He doesn’t want to breathe, he wants to die. No one wants him, no one needs him, he’s a lonely soul.
[Spoiler (click to open)]He could hear a baby cry… oh gosh he hadn’t fed the baby! Yunho would be mad and leave him!
No milk and no bread! Now he’s the one who wants to cry! If he got a job Yunho wouldn’t have to work his ass off to provide for them.
Ouch! Another slap. Appa was furious that he ran away with another guy. Umma, help me! Where are you?
There you are! Umma… why are you turning your face away from me? Umma, don’t you love me?
No, I don’t want to marry her, Appa! I don’t love her. Yunho’s the only one I love, don’t take me away from him!
Who are you? Moonbin? You’re the baby? Why are you the only one who gets to be loved by Yunho? My Yunho!
You’re deceiving me Yunho? You’re taking money from my father so you could leave me?
Umma, what am I to you? Am I not good enough to be loved?
Yoochun, I want to die! Let me die! No one will miss me when I’m gone, just let me die!
Let me…
He woke up with a jolt as he gasped for breath. This isn’t home! Where is he?
Sweating, he needed water, the light’s too blinding… and he felt a hand was holding him, another was rubbing his back as it helped him to sit.
He felt the tip of a cup on his lips… water! He gulped it in hurry, resulted a coughing fit but the same hand was running circle on his back, patting him to relief. The hands felt warm and unrecognizable yet gentle… he almost lost himself in darkness once again but at the same time he wanted to know what had happened to him. The last thing he could remember was the shock on Moonbin and Yoochun’s faces as he threw his coffee cup at the boy in his anger. And he had told him to go and return to his father. He’s all alone once again.
He pried his eyes opened with much effort and was met a pair of worried eyes. In his surprise he unconsciously tugged himself free from the warm hands around him; and winced as blood was turning back into his IV drip, it stung. The owner of the hands pushed the emergency button in panic, in a matter of second a couple of nurses ran into the room and to his bedside. Smiling at him, fixing the IV needle attached to his vein, saying things that he couldn’t comprehend but yet the other person kept staying nearby, watching the commotion around him with a fixing gaze.
One of the nurses told her something and then they were gone. Leaving him with the old woman who looked at him with glassy eyes.
“Be careful, Jaejoong-ah… don’t strain yourself. I’m sorry if I startled you…” She gently told him as she took a seat by his bedside.
He tried to say something but his throat only produce incoherent sound, the old woman quickly took another glass of water and helped him to it, “Here, slowly… your throat must be dry. Wait until you’re ready to speak… I’ll be here.”
After a few minutes of silence he felt like life started to sip back into him. “Yoochun?”
She seemed anxious to reply. “He left this morning to… take care of something. He stayed with you through the night though; I told him that he doesn’t have to return and to take a rest after he’s done with his responsibility.”
I nodded hesitantly. “How- how’s Moonbin?”
The woman smiled, “He’s fine, he came with me here to see this morning. He just got a bump and nothing more serious if you’re concern about- … about what you did. But he’s more worried about you though. I mean- you suddenly passed out and coughed blood.”
“Oh…” he’s dying to ask her more but too afraid to hear her answer. He braved himself anyway. “And- where is he now?”
“He’s-“ she took a deep breath. “He…”
“He’s leaving wasn’t he?”
“…”
“He’s leaving… just like everyone else.”
“You told him to leave. You told him to return to his father.”
“And he’s too happy to comply.” I retorted bitterly. “And why are you here… Eomonim? You might as well leave like him. I don’t need you here. I don’t need anyone.” I laid myself back on my bed and pretended to go back to dreamland.
I didn’t hear anything for awhile, thinking that she left me already. But she didn’t.
“First, he’s not leaving you because he didn’t care. Moonbin missed his father, he hasn’t seen him for almost three years. He kept his promise to you though he wasn’t supposed to. He promised to come and see you again though. Second, I’m not leaving anymore. Not now, not ever. I know I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting you suffer for my fear of being abandoned by your father. But not anymore… even if you hate me so much, I’m still you mother and I’m planning to be one for as long as it takes. You need me now… I’m staying for good.”
I laughed to mock her, “Don’t you think that it’s too late to say all that? I don’t need you! Not you, not anyone!”
“You can say whatever you want but it won’t change the fact that I’m the one who gave birth to you. If you’re neglecting me too as the price I have to pay for what I’ve done then be it. But I’ll still be here. And I want to say the thing that I should have said long time ago… I’m sorry for being such a terrible mother to you.”
He closed his eyes, trying hard to get rid of the hotness in them. He won’t shed a tear, not for this woman. His voice cracked when he answered her, “Bullshit! Get lost! I don’t want to see you here! I don’t need you!”
There’s a drop of water fell onto his arm.
“Rest, you need it. I’ll be in the other room. Let me know if you need anything, I’ll call Yoochun-ssi to inform him that you’ve woken up.”
Then her presence moved away… it didn’t disappear though, he could still feel her.
Tears threatened to fall from his eyes… it wasn’t fair! Why did she have to say it now? Why did she have to apologize? He didn’t want her to see him in his weakest moment, he didn’t want her to see him lost his pride in loneliness, he didn’t want her to make him feel better ‘cause he hates her!
He started to sob in despair…
I need him… I want him… The one that his soul had been longing to hold… Only he could see him break down, only he could see him falls, only he could see him crying in shame…
He couldn’t take it anymore, he wailed… he heard the door opened but he didn’t care as fatigue took over him once again in his desperation.
And he felt the warm hands on him again before he succumbed into nothingness once again… wishing that this time his dream would lie and he could be reunited with his love.
* * * * *
Moonbin couldn’t believe that he’s now lying next to his father. His Appa. Just 24 hours earlier he was still packing his stuff in the Kim manor. When he saw his father this afternoon at his office he looked so… gorgeous? Donning a pair of black suit and shiny leather shoes…
But this is his real Appa now. Messy hair, old shirt paired with track pants, wriggling his toes as he sighed in comfort, prosthesis lied on the dresser, his right arm under his head. Though the surroundings felt unfamiliar, his Appa’s presence made it feel like home. Well, technically this is his home now.
Yunho raised an eyebrow at him, “What are you looking at?”
Moonbin chuckled. “You.”
“What’s so interesting about me?”
“Nothing… that’s why. I’ve been trying to look out if something’s changed but other that other ‘Jung Yunho the boss’ personality at the office you’re… well, you’re just Appa.”
Yunho didn’t say a word, just looked at him intently. Moonbin shifted his position, “What are you looking at?” He asked the same question as a joke.
“You. Here.”
Those two words brought out the guilt and the regret inside him again. Somehow he began to feel emotional and he choked up his reply, “Yeah… I’m here.”
“And you changed so much. You have stubbles now… you shave?”
“Every morning.”
“Did Yunho tell you how you get to live with him?”
That sentence started it all. His curiosity over his past got the better of him when Jaejoong asked him that question. He was consumed with insecurity and uncertainty that he didn’t hesitate to make him spill everything to him. Forgetting his Appa’s promise to reveal everything to him and surrendered to his curiosity. Kim Jaejoong told him everything.
He felt sick, disgusted at himself and his biological mother for leaving him the way she did. He’s a toilet baby. Dirty. Worthless.
“You father is the most kind hearted person I’ve ever known. He couldn’t leave you at the police station and made you live as an orphan. That’s why he took you in though he was in a difficult position too.”
“But he loves me.”
Jaejoong snorted, “Then why he never adopts you legally until now?”
“He will, I know he will. He loves me. He’s just a bit slow in that kind of thing.”
“He pities you, that’s why. Are you sure that he would want to keep you with him now that he’s back to his family? He’s rich now, you know… he doesn’t need a kid to get in his way to be someone that he supposed to be.”
“My Appa is not like that. He’s adjusting himself.”
“And yet he doesn’t want to take you to live in at the mansion. He has no intention to take you there nor to introduce you as his son. Are you blind of all the facts.”
He was shaking in fear, “He’s not like that, he’s just- he knows I don’t like abrupt changes.”
“You have a choice you know… And I’ll show you that you don’t mean anything for him. First, you may keep believing what you believe and break your own heart when the time comes. Second, you can come and live with me, I’ll provide you everything that you need. You won’t have to think about money or school or anything else, I’ll give them to you.”
He eyed them suspiciously, ”Appa won’t let me go, he won’t. He loves me. And why would you want me to live with you? You’re not- you’re- I’m nobody for you. You just want to get back at my Appa because he’s not going to get back to you.” His words hurt, he knew but that man hurt him too.
“You don’t believe me? Want proof? Come with me tomorrow, I’ll have lunch with Yunho and you’ll find out that he doesn’t care whether you’re leaving or staying.”
He took the bait and sat himself in a booth next to where his father and Jaejoong were talking. He could hear them clearly on his seat.
“Why didn’t you adopt him?”
“It slipped my mind. We’ve been living together as father and son, that’s all that matters. And I believe it’s none of yours.”
He smiled smugly inside when he heard his father’s reply.
“What if he wants to leave? What it I offer him to be my successor and he chose me? If… if we’re still together he could be my son too. You forget that already, Yunho?”
Moonbin’s heart skipped a beat… his father hasn’t said anything yet but he silently prayed that he believed in him. But he felt the ground crushed underneath when he heard what his father told Jaejoong.
“If that’s his choice then I’ll let him go. It’s not my right to bind him, it’s not my right to stop him from achieving his dreams.”
It was proven. He didn’t care if he’s going or not. He wanted to hear that his Appa wouldn’t let him go, that his Appa would adopt him legally and Jaejoong could go to hell. From then on, the held on to the lies that Jaejoong fed him through his fear and insecurity and he gave up on his faith.
He still remembered the expression on Yunho’s face as he jumped from his booth and accused him for taking care of him out of pity while in fact he didn’t care at all. Right there and then he decided to walk out of his father’s life and chose what Jaejoong offered. An easy life and guaranteed future.
“Appa… why did you say that you would let me go at that time? That was one thing that I didn’t expect to hear from you. It hurt.” He asked what he wanted to ask all this time.
Yunho smiled softly at him, “Because I’m your father and I know you well. Even if you were the one who asked me the same question I would still be giving you the same answer. Just like my father had no right in deciding my future, I had no right to decide for your future too. Our love is stronger than that… Even though you chose to leave, I still love you, and I never blame you. A child has a right to live their own life in their own way. But I believe in the love that I have for you will remain in your heart… You learned from your own decision, but I hope that will make you grow in a better way. No matter what kind of mistakes you have made, I’m still your father. My love is stronger than your mistake.
“It was my fault for not processing your adoption but trust me when I say that a piece of paper won’t make a difference in how much I love you. Still, it wasn’t something that I should neglect… I’m sorry for not doing it sooner, I have prepared the legal papers when you’re away. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll submit it to my lawyer for filing. But you have to understand your responsibility as a Jung. I don’t want to push you in doing anything outside your will, but it was also my choice to live up to the name that I was born with. We may not biologically related, but you were born a Jung because of me. I chose to return to my family, and you chose to return to me. That means you also shared the responsibility that I’m holding right now.”
No matter how hard he was thinking, he couldn’t find any words to say to reply to his father. So he hugged him on the bed, not even tears could come out though his heart swelled with undefined happiness.
“Appa, do you still love Jaejoong-ahjussi?”
Yunho looked at him in a funny way. He’s been updated about the reason why Moonbin finally returned. “Did he treat you right?” That’s what came out instead.
“He tried hard not to show it by being as ass, but he’s not that bad. He’s lonely Appa… and… he’s missing you. He never stops loving you. Can’t you forgive him?”
“I’ve forgiven him a long time ago. But love… I- I know what I’ve never fallen out of love with him.” He finally admitted it. “How do you know that he still loves me and just trying to redeem for his past mistake?”
“He called out your name when he’s drunk in his study… though he always told me to stay away, he didn’t’ know that sometimes I sneaked in when he fell asleep on his desk. He drank too much to forget his misery and finally he got sick… You heard what Yoochun-ahjussi said, right? He lost sleep as well, it broke my heart.“ He took a deep breath before he asks him again. “Appa… let’s see Jaejoong-ahjussi. If you’re not sure about your feelings, at least be his friend? Let him know that you don’t hate him, he’s been living in guilt for too long…”
Yunho flicked his forehead, “Smart ass!”
“Ouch!” He rubbed his temple, “And you still owe him an explanation about the cheque that you received from Ahjussi-s father.” He pouted.
Yunho laughed, “That I do.” He ruffled his head and got up, “Guess it’s time for bed then.”
“Where are you going? Sleep with me for tonight. Just tonight.” He begged him.
“Bin, you’re almost 18! No 17 year old wants to sleep with his father!”
“Tonight I’m 15.” He told him sharply and Yunho understood. Their farewell at that time wasn’t a good memory, the boy who was always attached to his father suddenly left him. He wanted to return to the time when he was still his father’s boy.
Yunho returned on the bed and laid down.
“And I need my daily massage from my boy before I sleep. Aaah, it’s been a tiring day!”
Moonbin laughed out loud and together they returned to the day at the old house they lived in. Though the bed was much better and much bigger none of that mattered much to them. They belong together, father and son, bound by fate and love deeper than anything that can be created out of lust.
Yunho almost fell into slumber when Moonbin stopped his massage on his right arm.
“Appa…”
“Hm…”
“Is true what Min Sook-haraboeji said at your office? That you’ll have to announce me as your son through a formal press release?” Since his father called him Ahjussi, there’s no way he called that man with the same suffix, he’s as old as Kim Halmeoni!
“That’s true.”
“Then let’s see your lawyer tomorrow and have my adoption legalized before that.”
He has never seen his father smiled so wide like tonight, “Let’s do that tomorrow. I want to play hooky too.” He winked playfully at him.
“Would that be okay with Min Sook-harabeoji?”
“Well, I’ll have to give you the tour around the house and introduce you to everyone, won’t I? We haven’t done that today and I’m sure they’re all excited to meet the young master of the house.”
“Yeah… and maybe… just- if we have time… or if you don’t mind… can we go see Ji-noona and Min-ahjussi and probably have a sleep over at the old house?”
“That would be great too. You haven’t told your Noona that you’re coming back, have you? Then you better call her early in the morning so she can prepare a feast for us and call your uncle to drop by if he’d like to. Yeah, of course we can do that…”
He completely stopped massaging his father and this time he let his tears flow freely down his cheeks as laid down next to him, holding his arm, “Thank you.”
All’s well that ends well.
* * * * *
Chapter 16
His head felt heavy; he wanted to open his eyes but his mind wanted them to remain closed. He felt like his body was being buried under a huge stone. Painful… it’s hard to breathe… He doesn’t want to breathe, he wants to die. No one wants him, no one needs him, he’s a lonely soul.
[Spoiler (click to open)]He could hear a baby cry… oh gosh he hadn’t fed the baby! Yunho would be mad and leave him!
No milk and no bread! Now he’s the one who wants to cry! If he got a job Yunho wouldn’t have to work his ass off to provide for them.
Ouch! Another slap. Appa was furious that he ran away with another guy. Umma, help me! Where are you?
There you are! Umma… why are you turning your face away from me? Umma, don’t you love me?
No, I don’t want to marry her, Appa! I don’t love her. Yunho’s the only one I love, don’t take me away from him!
Who are you? Moonbin? You’re the baby? Why are you the only one who gets to be loved by Yunho? My Yunho!
You’re deceiving me Yunho? You’re taking money from my father so you could leave me?
Umma, what am I to you? Am I not good enough to be loved?
Yoochun, I want to die! Let me die! No one will miss me when I’m gone, just let me die!
Let me…
He woke up with a jolt as he gasped for breath. This isn’t home! Where is he?
Sweating, he needed water, the light’s too blinding… and he felt a hand was holding him, another was rubbing his back as it helped him to sit.
He felt the tip of a cup on his lips… water! He gulped it in hurry, resulted a coughing fit but the same hand was running circle on his back, patting him to relief. The hands felt warm and unrecognizable yet gentle… he almost lost himself in darkness once again but at the same time he wanted to know what had happened to him. The last thing he could remember was the shock on Moonbin and Yoochun’s faces as he threw his coffee cup at the boy in his anger. And he had told him to go and return to his father. He’s all alone once again.
He pried his eyes opened with much effort and was met a pair of worried eyes. In his surprise he unconsciously tugged himself free from the warm hands around him; and winced as blood was turning back into his IV drip, it stung. The owner of the hands pushed the emergency button in panic, in a matter of second a couple of nurses ran into the room and to his bedside. Smiling at him, fixing the IV needle attached to his vein, saying things that he couldn’t comprehend but yet the other person kept staying nearby, watching the commotion around him with a fixing gaze.
One of the nurses told her something and then they were gone. Leaving him with the old woman who looked at him with glassy eyes.
“Be careful, Jaejoong-ah… don’t strain yourself. I’m sorry if I startled you…” She gently told him as she took a seat by his bedside.
He tried to say something but his throat only produce incoherent sound, the old woman quickly took another glass of water and helped him to it, “Here, slowly… your throat must be dry. Wait until you’re ready to speak… I’ll be here.”
After a few minutes of silence he felt like life started to sip back into him. “Yoochun?”
She seemed anxious to reply. “He left this morning to… take care of something. He stayed with you through the night though; I told him that he doesn’t have to return and to take a rest after he’s done with his responsibility.”
I nodded hesitantly. “How- how’s Moonbin?”
The woman smiled, “He’s fine, he came with me here to see this morning. He just got a bump and nothing more serious if you’re concern about- … about what you did. But he’s more worried about you though. I mean- you suddenly passed out and coughed blood.”
“Oh…” he’s dying to ask her more but too afraid to hear her answer. He braved himself anyway. “And- where is he now?”
“He’s-“ she took a deep breath. “He…”
“He’s leaving wasn’t he?”
“…”
“He’s leaving… just like everyone else.”
“You told him to leave. You told him to return to his father.”
“And he’s too happy to comply.” I retorted bitterly. “And why are you here… Eomonim? You might as well leave like him. I don’t need you here. I don’t need anyone.” I laid myself back on my bed and pretended to go back to dreamland.
I didn’t hear anything for awhile, thinking that she left me already. But she didn’t.
“First, he’s not leaving you because he didn’t care. Moonbin missed his father, he hasn’t seen him for almost three years. He kept his promise to you though he wasn’t supposed to. He promised to come and see you again though. Second, I’m not leaving anymore. Not now, not ever. I know I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting you suffer for my fear of being abandoned by your father. But not anymore… even if you hate me so much, I’m still you mother and I’m planning to be one for as long as it takes. You need me now… I’m staying for good.”
I laughed to mock her, “Don’t you think that it’s too late to say all that? I don’t need you! Not you, not anyone!”
“You can say whatever you want but it won’t change the fact that I’m the one who gave birth to you. If you’re neglecting me too as the price I have to pay for what I’ve done then be it. But I’ll still be here. And I want to say the thing that I should have said long time ago… I’m sorry for being such a terrible mother to you.”
He closed his eyes, trying hard to get rid of the hotness in them. He won’t shed a tear, not for this woman. His voice cracked when he answered her, “Bullshit! Get lost! I don’t want to see you here! I don’t need you!”
There’s a drop of water fell onto his arm.
“Rest, you need it. I’ll be in the other room. Let me know if you need anything, I’ll call Yoochun-ssi to inform him that you’ve woken up.”
Then her presence moved away… it didn’t disappear though, he could still feel her.
Tears threatened to fall from his eyes… it wasn’t fair! Why did she have to say it now? Why did she have to apologize? He didn’t want her to see him in his weakest moment, he didn’t want her to see him lost his pride in loneliness, he didn’t want her to make him feel better ‘cause he hates her!
He started to sob in despair…
I need him… I want him… The one that his soul had been longing to hold… Only he could see him break down, only he could see him falls, only he could see him crying in shame…
He couldn’t take it anymore, he wailed… he heard the door opened but he didn’t care as fatigue took over him once again in his desperation.
And he felt the warm hands on him again before he succumbed into nothingness once again… wishing that this time his dream would lie and he could be reunited with his love.
* * * * *
Moonbin couldn’t believe that he’s now lying next to his father. His Appa. Just 24 hours earlier he was still packing his stuff in the Kim manor. When he saw his father this afternoon at his office he looked so… gorgeous? Donning a pair of black suit and shiny leather shoes…
But this is his real Appa now. Messy hair, old shirt paired with track pants, wriggling his toes as he sighed in comfort, prosthesis lied on the dresser, his right arm under his head. Though the surroundings felt unfamiliar, his Appa’s presence made it feel like home. Well, technically this is his home now.
Yunho raised an eyebrow at him, “What are you looking at?”
Moonbin chuckled. “You.”
“What’s so interesting about me?”
“Nothing… that’s why. I’ve been trying to look out if something’s changed but other that other ‘Jung Yunho the boss’ personality at the office you’re… well, you’re just Appa.”
Yunho didn’t say a word, just looked at him intently. Moonbin shifted his position, “What are you looking at?” He asked the same question as a joke.
“You. Here.”
Those two words brought out the guilt and the regret inside him again. Somehow he began to feel emotional and he choked up his reply, “Yeah… I’m here.”
“And you changed so much. You have stubbles now… you shave?”
“Every morning.”
“Did Yunho tell you how you get to live with him?”
That sentence started it all. His curiosity over his past got the better of him when Jaejoong asked him that question. He was consumed with insecurity and uncertainty that he didn’t hesitate to make him spill everything to him. Forgetting his Appa’s promise to reveal everything to him and surrendered to his curiosity. Kim Jaejoong told him everything.
He felt sick, disgusted at himself and his biological mother for leaving him the way she did. He’s a toilet baby. Dirty. Worthless.
“You father is the most kind hearted person I’ve ever known. He couldn’t leave you at the police station and made you live as an orphan. That’s why he took you in though he was in a difficult position too.”
“But he loves me.”
Jaejoong snorted, “Then why he never adopts you legally until now?”
“He will, I know he will. He loves me. He’s just a bit slow in that kind of thing.”
“He pities you, that’s why. Are you sure that he would want to keep you with him now that he’s back to his family? He’s rich now, you know… he doesn’t need a kid to get in his way to be someone that he supposed to be.”
“My Appa is not like that. He’s adjusting himself.”
“And yet he doesn’t want to take you to live in at the mansion. He has no intention to take you there nor to introduce you as his son. Are you blind of all the facts.”
He was shaking in fear, “He’s not like that, he’s just- he knows I don’t like abrupt changes.”
“You have a choice you know… And I’ll show you that you don’t mean anything for him. First, you may keep believing what you believe and break your own heart when the time comes. Second, you can come and live with me, I’ll provide you everything that you need. You won’t have to think about money or school or anything else, I’ll give them to you.”
He eyed them suspiciously, ”Appa won’t let me go, he won’t. He loves me. And why would you want me to live with you? You’re not- you’re- I’m nobody for you. You just want to get back at my Appa because he’s not going to get back to you.” His words hurt, he knew but that man hurt him too.
“You don’t believe me? Want proof? Come with me tomorrow, I’ll have lunch with Yunho and you’ll find out that he doesn’t care whether you’re leaving or staying.”
He took the bait and sat himself in a booth next to where his father and Jaejoong were talking. He could hear them clearly on his seat.
“Why didn’t you adopt him?”
“It slipped my mind. We’ve been living together as father and son, that’s all that matters. And I believe it’s none of yours.”
He smiled smugly inside when he heard his father’s reply.
“What if he wants to leave? What it I offer him to be my successor and he chose me? If… if we’re still together he could be my son too. You forget that already, Yunho?”
Moonbin’s heart skipped a beat… his father hasn’t said anything yet but he silently prayed that he believed in him. But he felt the ground crushed underneath when he heard what his father told Jaejoong.
“If that’s his choice then I’ll let him go. It’s not my right to bind him, it’s not my right to stop him from achieving his dreams.”
It was proven. He didn’t care if he’s going or not. He wanted to hear that his Appa wouldn’t let him go, that his Appa would adopt him legally and Jaejoong could go to hell. From then on, the held on to the lies that Jaejoong fed him through his fear and insecurity and he gave up on his faith.
He still remembered the expression on Yunho’s face as he jumped from his booth and accused him for taking care of him out of pity while in fact he didn’t care at all. Right there and then he decided to walk out of his father’s life and chose what Jaejoong offered. An easy life and guaranteed future.
“Appa… why did you say that you would let me go at that time? That was one thing that I didn’t expect to hear from you. It hurt.” He asked what he wanted to ask all this time.
Yunho smiled softly at him, “Because I’m your father and I know you well. Even if you were the one who asked me the same question I would still be giving you the same answer. Just like my father had no right in deciding my future, I had no right to decide for your future too. Our love is stronger than that… Even though you chose to leave, I still love you, and I never blame you. A child has a right to live their own life in their own way. But I believe in the love that I have for you will remain in your heart… You learned from your own decision, but I hope that will make you grow in a better way. No matter what kind of mistakes you have made, I’m still your father. My love is stronger than your mistake.
“It was my fault for not processing your adoption but trust me when I say that a piece of paper won’t make a difference in how much I love you. Still, it wasn’t something that I should neglect… I’m sorry for not doing it sooner, I have prepared the legal papers when you’re away. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll submit it to my lawyer for filing. But you have to understand your responsibility as a Jung. I don’t want to push you in doing anything outside your will, but it was also my choice to live up to the name that I was born with. We may not biologically related, but you were born a Jung because of me. I chose to return to my family, and you chose to return to me. That means you also shared the responsibility that I’m holding right now.”
No matter how hard he was thinking, he couldn’t find any words to say to reply to his father. So he hugged him on the bed, not even tears could come out though his heart swelled with undefined happiness.
“Appa, do you still love Jaejoong-ahjussi?”
Yunho looked at him in a funny way. He’s been updated about the reason why Moonbin finally returned. “Did he treat you right?” That’s what came out instead.
“He tried hard not to show it by being as ass, but he’s not that bad. He’s lonely Appa… and… he’s missing you. He never stops loving you. Can’t you forgive him?”
“I’ve forgiven him a long time ago. But love… I- I know what I’ve never fallen out of love with him.” He finally admitted it. “How do you know that he still loves me and just trying to redeem for his past mistake?”
“He called out your name when he’s drunk in his study… though he always told me to stay away, he didn’t’ know that sometimes I sneaked in when he fell asleep on his desk. He drank too much to forget his misery and finally he got sick… You heard what Yoochun-ahjussi said, right? He lost sleep as well, it broke my heart.“ He took a deep breath before he asks him again. “Appa… let’s see Jaejoong-ahjussi. If you’re not sure about your feelings, at least be his friend? Let him know that you don’t hate him, he’s been living in guilt for too long…”
Yunho flicked his forehead, “Smart ass!”
“Ouch!” He rubbed his temple, “And you still owe him an explanation about the cheque that you received from Ahjussi-s father.” He pouted.
Yunho laughed, “That I do.” He ruffled his head and got up, “Guess it’s time for bed then.”
“Where are you going? Sleep with me for tonight. Just tonight.” He begged him.
“Bin, you’re almost 18! No 17 year old wants to sleep with his father!”
“Tonight I’m 15.” He told him sharply and Yunho understood. Their farewell at that time wasn’t a good memory, the boy who was always attached to his father suddenly left him. He wanted to return to the time when he was still his father’s boy.
Yunho returned on the bed and laid down.
“And I need my daily massage from my boy before I sleep. Aaah, it’s been a tiring day!”
Moonbin laughed out loud and together they returned to the day at the old house they lived in. Though the bed was much better and much bigger none of that mattered much to them. They belong together, father and son, bound by fate and love deeper than anything that can be created out of lust.
Yunho almost fell into slumber when Moonbin stopped his massage on his right arm.
“Appa…”
“Hm…”
“Is true what Min Sook-haraboeji said at your office? That you’ll have to announce me as your son through a formal press release?” Since his father called him Ahjussi, there’s no way he called that man with the same suffix, he’s as old as Kim Halmeoni!
“That’s true.”
“Then let’s see your lawyer tomorrow and have my adoption legalized before that.”
He has never seen his father smiled so wide like tonight, “Let’s do that tomorrow. I want to play hooky too.” He winked playfully at him.
“Would that be okay with Min Sook-harabeoji?”
“Well, I’ll have to give you the tour around the house and introduce you to everyone, won’t I? We haven’t done that today and I’m sure they’re all excited to meet the young master of the house.”
“Yeah… and maybe… just- if we have time… or if you don’t mind… can we go see Ji-noona and Min-ahjussi and probably have a sleep over at the old house?”
“That would be great too. You haven’t told your Noona that you’re coming back, have you? Then you better call her early in the morning so she can prepare a feast for us and call your uncle to drop by if he’d like to. Yeah, of course we can do that…”
He completely stopped massaging his father and this time he let his tears flow freely down his cheeks as laid down next to him, holding his arm, “Thank you.”
All’s well that ends well.
* * * * *
Chapter 16