Till Death Do Us Part
Let Me Be Myself
Jaejoong was relieved to find that Dr. Lim was someone pleasant to talk to, the contrary to Dr. Kang. She answered every question that Moonbin shot her patiently. And though her tone was serious, she never left a little smile while she spoke to them. That made them felt less anxious and tense. She’s a bit older than Dr. Kang, but he could tell that despite her relax appearance she really took her patients seriously and with best attention.
“So, Dr. Lim… my husband already said that he’s doesn’t want chemotherapy. Is there- is there any other alternative.”
She smiled again and softly asked Yunho, “Mr. Jung, though I recommended what’s best for my patient, do you mind to let me know the reason why you refuse the chemotherapy?”
Yunho had been tightlipped about his reason to reject chemo, and that led to several heated argument between them. Moonbin was frustrated and still couldn’t understand either. He wanted to hear it from him.
His husband finally asked her something, “Doctor, do you guarantee that the chemo will get rid of the cancer?”
“In my line of work, nothing is guaranteed Mr. Jung. I can assure you that I’ll choose the best method, but I don’t have the power to guarantee everything will work out according to our expectation. I can’t promise you anything.”
“Then what is the percentage of my recovery after the additional radiation and chemo?”
She looked straight at his face, “I can’t give you 100% also… not even 50%. It all depends on your body immune and stamina. Speaking of which, I’m sure you have done your homework about the consequences.”
Yunho nodded. “I have. Doctor… I just want to be myself even if I don’t make it.”
There’s understanding in Dr. Lim’s face but Jaejoong and Moonbin didn’t understand it.
“I understand. Then the only option that I can give you is a surgery. From the MRI result, it hasn’t spread widely though it’s already in a later stage. I can try to take everything out but still no guarantee, no difference than with the first option suggested by Dr. Kang.”
“That’s better. I don’t mind with surgery.”
I was so confused with the exchanged of words, and so was Moonbin.
“Dad, what you’re saying? Dr. Lim, are you sure surgery would suffice.”
“I- I don’t get it…” I asked them, but more like asking my husband with the look that I gave him.
Dr. Lim stood up and told Yunho, “I’ll leave you for awhile to check the best date to have the surgery. But you owe them an explanation, Mr. Jung.” She turned to Moonbin and I, “Call me when you finish talking, I’ll be in the next room.” Then she left.
The moment she got out of there, I turned to look at my husband. Moonbin has moved to stand behind me, reassuring hands on my shoulders.
“Honey, please tell us, help us to understand.”
He didn’t look at any of when he spoke. “She told us herself that she can’t guarantee a 100% recovery, and unlike what you thought about me, I didn’t just sleep and pitying myself all the time. Jae, I understand my body very well, I worked with it… I can feel it slowly wasting away… I don’t think I can take more radiation and chemotherapy. I’ve seen what it does.”
He breathed deeply before he continued talking. “The moment I found out about what’s wrong with me, I happen to pass by the cancer centre at the hospital. I met some people who had been under chemo for a few month, they had this hollow look in their eyes, thin as skeleton and no hair left on their heads. You know what they told me? ‘If I know it’s not going to make me better, I wouldn’t have it. At least I wanna die looking like myself.’
“I’m not giving up, but I know myself, I can feel it Jae, my body is not what it used to be. Moonbin saw me at the bathroom, I need some help just to pee. My skin’s burnt because of the radiation, I’m losing weight, I can’t sit with my back on the same position for more than half an hour… Every single night I fought a battle with myself. I don’t wanna die yet… I don’t… but even if I can’t fight the fate that I’m destined with, at least I wanna die as myself.”
A single tear fell on his cheek, “I want to live, Jae… I do. More than anything, I wish to spend more time with you and Moonbin. I don’t want to give up… but it’s hard when my body isn’t even denying me what I dreaded most. You don’t even know how I felt everytime I laid on the bed, ready to take the radiation. It burnt me… it drained all the energy that I have left in me. I can’t take it anymore, I can’t! Let her do the surgery Jae, nothing’s certain right now. But please!”
He closed his eyes… “Even if I wasn’t given the chance to survive… I just want you to look at myself when I’m gone instead of someone you can’t recognize from the medication torture that I had.” And he broke down and let the tears ran freely from his eyes.
Jaejoong found it hard to breath inside the room. His heart crushed at the sight of his once to be strong husband crying a like a child, begging him not to torture him further and make him even more helpless. He tried hard to put up a smile and reached out to hold him tight.
“I’m sorry for not understanding you… As much as I want you to be healthy again, I didn’t know how much the medication ruined you inside, instead. I told you that it’s not your own battle, it’s our battle. Let’s have the surgery… You’re right, you’re the one feel it… I’ll support you whatever our decision is. We will support you, Moonbin and I.”
I felt another pair of arms around us… Our son.
“Dad, next time don’t keep it in yourself… I want to share your pain as much as Daddy. You’ll be alright Dad… you’ll be alright…”
I could sense the uncertainty in Moonbin’s voice but for this time, I’ll let it slip away… I’ll try to understand my husband as kept his broken down whisper in my ear.
“Let me be myself… let me be myself until the end…”
~ o ~ o ~
Next
Jaejoong was relieved to find that Dr. Lim was someone pleasant to talk to, the contrary to Dr. Kang. She answered every question that Moonbin shot her patiently. And though her tone was serious, she never left a little smile while she spoke to them. That made them felt less anxious and tense. She’s a bit older than Dr. Kang, but he could tell that despite her relax appearance she really took her patients seriously and with best attention.
“So, Dr. Lim… my husband already said that he’s doesn’t want chemotherapy. Is there- is there any other alternative.”
She smiled again and softly asked Yunho, “Mr. Jung, though I recommended what’s best for my patient, do you mind to let me know the reason why you refuse the chemotherapy?”
Yunho had been tightlipped about his reason to reject chemo, and that led to several heated argument between them. Moonbin was frustrated and still couldn’t understand either. He wanted to hear it from him.
His husband finally asked her something, “Doctor, do you guarantee that the chemo will get rid of the cancer?”
“In my line of work, nothing is guaranteed Mr. Jung. I can assure you that I’ll choose the best method, but I don’t have the power to guarantee everything will work out according to our expectation. I can’t promise you anything.”
“Then what is the percentage of my recovery after the additional radiation and chemo?”
She looked straight at his face, “I can’t give you 100% also… not even 50%. It all depends on your body immune and stamina. Speaking of which, I’m sure you have done your homework about the consequences.”
Yunho nodded. “I have. Doctor… I just want to be myself even if I don’t make it.”
There’s understanding in Dr. Lim’s face but Jaejoong and Moonbin didn’t understand it.
“I understand. Then the only option that I can give you is a surgery. From the MRI result, it hasn’t spread widely though it’s already in a later stage. I can try to take everything out but still no guarantee, no difference than with the first option suggested by Dr. Kang.”
“That’s better. I don’t mind with surgery.”
I was so confused with the exchanged of words, and so was Moonbin.
“Dad, what you’re saying? Dr. Lim, are you sure surgery would suffice.”
“I- I don’t get it…” I asked them, but more like asking my husband with the look that I gave him.
Dr. Lim stood up and told Yunho, “I’ll leave you for awhile to check the best date to have the surgery. But you owe them an explanation, Mr. Jung.” She turned to Moonbin and I, “Call me when you finish talking, I’ll be in the next room.” Then she left.
The moment she got out of there, I turned to look at my husband. Moonbin has moved to stand behind me, reassuring hands on my shoulders.
“Honey, please tell us, help us to understand.”
He didn’t look at any of when he spoke. “She told us herself that she can’t guarantee a 100% recovery, and unlike what you thought about me, I didn’t just sleep and pitying myself all the time. Jae, I understand my body very well, I worked with it… I can feel it slowly wasting away… I don’t think I can take more radiation and chemotherapy. I’ve seen what it does.”
He breathed deeply before he continued talking. “The moment I found out about what’s wrong with me, I happen to pass by the cancer centre at the hospital. I met some people who had been under chemo for a few month, they had this hollow look in their eyes, thin as skeleton and no hair left on their heads. You know what they told me? ‘If I know it’s not going to make me better, I wouldn’t have it. At least I wanna die looking like myself.’
“I’m not giving up, but I know myself, I can feel it Jae, my body is not what it used to be. Moonbin saw me at the bathroom, I need some help just to pee. My skin’s burnt because of the radiation, I’m losing weight, I can’t sit with my back on the same position for more than half an hour… Every single night I fought a battle with myself. I don’t wanna die yet… I don’t… but even if I can’t fight the fate that I’m destined with, at least I wanna die as myself.”
A single tear fell on his cheek, “I want to live, Jae… I do. More than anything, I wish to spend more time with you and Moonbin. I don’t want to give up… but it’s hard when my body isn’t even denying me what I dreaded most. You don’t even know how I felt everytime I laid on the bed, ready to take the radiation. It burnt me… it drained all the energy that I have left in me. I can’t take it anymore, I can’t! Let her do the surgery Jae, nothing’s certain right now. But please!”
He closed his eyes… “Even if I wasn’t given the chance to survive… I just want you to look at myself when I’m gone instead of someone you can’t recognize from the medication torture that I had.” And he broke down and let the tears ran freely from his eyes.
Jaejoong found it hard to breath inside the room. His heart crushed at the sight of his once to be strong husband crying a like a child, begging him not to torture him further and make him even more helpless. He tried hard to put up a smile and reached out to hold him tight.
“I’m sorry for not understanding you… As much as I want you to be healthy again, I didn’t know how much the medication ruined you inside, instead. I told you that it’s not your own battle, it’s our battle. Let’s have the surgery… You’re right, you’re the one feel it… I’ll support you whatever our decision is. We will support you, Moonbin and I.”
I felt another pair of arms around us… Our son.
“Dad, next time don’t keep it in yourself… I want to share your pain as much as Daddy. You’ll be alright Dad… you’ll be alright…”
I could sense the uncertainty in Moonbin’s voice but for this time, I’ll let it slip away… I’ll try to understand my husband as kept his broken down whisper in my ear.
“Let me be myself… let me be myself until the end…”
~ o ~ o ~
Next