Till Death Do Us Part
I’m Dying But Not Dead
It’s been since 6 months since Yunho’s hospitalization and Moonbin wished that it was all just a dream. There hasn’t been peace in the house since he came home.
Dad kept staying at the guest room and contrary to what they were all hoping; it seemed that he didn’t get any better. He got exhausted so quickly and spent longer and longer time at the bathroom. The guest room doesn’t have its own toilet inside so he had to come out of the room and went to the toilet next to it. Daddy suggested him to use a bedpan but that became a huge fight cause Dad thought that he considered him an invalid. Daddy didn’t say anything anymore.
They started to get tired with his temper. He refused helps, but then he and Daddy would always have to pay attention whenever they heard that he’s moving to the toilet or anywhere. He fell twice already. On one hand, he didn’t want anyone to treat him like an invalid. On the other hand, he seemed to crave for their attention too.
One time, Jaejoong was at work and Moonbin needed to go out for a while, he promised his friend a couple of months earlier to take her out to look for a new apartment. So he called Uncle Min to come and accompany his Dad.
“Can’t you just stay at home with me?”
“Dad, I promised In Young to help her look for a new apartment. She really needs to move out from her current place ‘cause it’s not a safe neighborhood.”
“Can’t she ask someone else to go with her? Why does it have to be with you?”
He could foresee another argument was rising. “Dad, you know that I’ve always stayed with you when I wasn’t at school. But I promised her, just this one time, please? I’ve called Uncle Min to accompany you until Daddy comes home.”
“Oh, so she’s more than important than your sick father who’s staying home alone? I don’t even know what time your Daddy will be home, but fine! Go! No one needs me anymore in this house! I might as well go and return to die at my hometown in Gwangju!”
He felt like crying, “Dad, please, no one is dying here!” Fortunately his uncle came at the right time. Dad retreated to his room right away, still fuming for being left by his husband and son.
“Uncle Min, it’s not that I don’t want to stay, I need to see my friends too, can you please talk to Dad?”
He gave him a hug, “Don’t worry, he’s just sensitive. Go and find that place for In Young. Don’t worry about your father, I’ll talk to him and I’ll stay as long as I’m needed.”
Still, he couldn’t fun and excused himself to call home for awhile. Uncle Min answered the phone.
“Uncle Min, how’s Dad? Is he still angry?”
“He’s sulking, but he’ll get over it, don’t worry.”
“Can I talk to him?” He regretted his decision a minute later when Dad answered his phone in a not so friendly manner. Still insisting that he should have a good time and don’t mind him, he’s not important. In the end he got home a bit later than usual, pushing himself to enjoy his free little free time. When he got home Dad was already in bed and Daddy looked totally tired and stressed out. Dad told him off also when he got home.
As day went by Moonbin was getting more and more stressed out at home in dealing with his Dad’s temper. He really admired Daddy who didn’t seem to lose his patience at all. But he’s facing his term exams, he couldn’t concentrate well with his Dad demanding attention from him all the time. He was in a good mood today though when he came into his room and laid down on his bed.
After 15 minutes Moonbin became uncomfortable being watched while studying. “Dad, what are you doing here? Don’t you need to rest?”
“I’ve been resting for a few months, is it wrong for me to just want to be with you now?”
He sighed exasperatedly. “No, I love it, but I need to study and I can’t study when you’re watching me.”
“Bin…” He played with the seam of his pillow. “I just peed… and they’re all blood, it hurt a lot too.”
The moment he heard what his Dad said he stopped breathing. He wanted to turn around and tell him that everything’s going to be okay, let’s call Dr. Lim and make another appointment. But he couldn’t… he’s too afraid to face the truth. He’s not ready to tell his Dad that he’s dying. He’s in denial and unconsciously he said it out loud to him.
“Dad, don’t tell me that you’re sick again?” He was surprised to hear the words coming out of his mouth but he didn’t have the chance to explain it when he felt his Dad was standing behind him.
“You know what, Bin. I didn’t choose to be sick. And I’m not planning to get more sick. I’m sorry if I’m such a burden to you.” And he went out of his bedroom, limping.
He broke down and cried on his notebook when Daddy got in. He didn’t say anything, but took him in his arms, “I know you didn’t mean it, baby… I know you didn’t mean it…”
He couldn’t stop crying as he begged Daddy, “Daddy, I can’t take it anymore! It’s back, it’s back! But I need to study for my exam tomorrow, let me stay at Uncle Min’s place until my exam is over, please!”
“I understand… you go pack your things and I’ll call your uncle. You don’t have to say anything to your Dad, I’ll talk to him, okay?”
And he was off in the next 15 minutes, driving himself to his Uncle’s place. He didn’t say anything when he opened the door, he just told him to study.
On the contrary to his intention to have a quiet place to study, he couldn’t sleep at all that night. His father’s words kept haunting him through the night and he just realized what an idiot he had been. The fact that his Dad came up to him and tell him about his condition must be because he was also scared. Just like the first time he told him the truth about his illness, he must’ve wanted to share his fear and to have someone to tell him that he would win the battle. But he failed in conquering his fear and instead turned him away.
He's back at home after his exam the next day.
~ o ~ o ~
He knew that he hasn’t been easy on everyone. His son, his husband, his brother… And he saw Moonbin leaving through his bedroom window. He went out to confront his husband.
“He ran away from me, didn’t he.”
“Yun, he just needs to study. You know that he’s having his term exams.”
“He might as well stay away from me. I’m dying anyway, you can also start to find someone else. You know, someone who’s not sick and who can support you.”
“Yun…”
“I can no longer make love to you, I guess it’s not fair for you since you’re still healthy and I’m very sure you also need what I can’t give you anymore. Really, I don’t mind if you find someone else who can satisfy you, but please wait a little longer until after my funeral.”
“We’re not having this kind of discussion anymore, Yun. Please… I’m tired.”
“And I’m not??” He’s really offended. “I’m the one who’s sick, but you’re the one who’s tired.”
Then he started to say things that he didn’t mean to say. He told him to remarry after he’s dead and no need to mourn him for too long, he should have someone to make him happy when he’s not around anymore. Moonbin should get a girlfriend too and maybe get married and give him grandchildren. Or maybe Changmin should do that before him, he’s been staying single for too long.
Only when he got to his bedroom did he realize that everything that he said was actually something that he had dreamed of. To make his husband happy until they grow old together, to see Moonbin get married and have children, to see his brother happy with someone to take care of him but him. But he knew he’s dying, and he would never accomplish any of it before he dies. It’s killing him inside before the cancer does.
When he came out he saw his husband crying silently with his palms on his face. He knew he had hurt him deeply. In his haste to console him, he walked a bit too fast and he lost his balance as he fell against the dresser. He groaned, he’s too weak to get up but he could feel that his husband had come running to him.
“Yun, what did you do! Let me help you, next time call out for me, ok…”
He tried to lift him but he pulled him down and wept.
“I’m sorry Jae… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to be so hard on you and Bin! I don’t want to you remarry after I die, you belong to me! I’m sorry Jae, I’m sorry for being sick!”
He could feel his husband rubbing circles on his back, “Tell Moonbin I didn’t mean to bug him so much, but I’m afraid that I won’t have much time to see him grow up anymore! I’m sorry Jae, tell him I’m sorry…”
“Shhh, he understands Yun, he understands… We should’ve understood, I’m sorry…”
I’m sorry Jae, I’m sorry… I’m dying, I can feel it, it’s eating me up… I’m dying Jae, and I’m so afraid.”
“I’ll be with you until the end, don’t you worry… Moonbin will be with you, and so will Changmin. You’re not alone in this… don’t be afraid. I’m yours even to the grave…”
He finally admitted his fear to his other half. Though it hurts a lot, it also gave him some kind of relief. He had accepted his fate. And his husband had assured him there would be no one else but him. That night, they slept together holding each other in his bedroom. As much as he wanted to make love to Jaejoong, he couldn’t. But Jaejoong had showed him at that moment that it didn’t matter… as long as he’s still there, it didn’t matter.
As he watched Jaejoong’s steady breath he realized an important thing. He’s dying, but he’s not dead yet. And that’s the most important thing for his family right now.
~ o ~ o ~
Next
It’s been since 6 months since Yunho’s hospitalization and Moonbin wished that it was all just a dream. There hasn’t been peace in the house since he came home.
Dad kept staying at the guest room and contrary to what they were all hoping; it seemed that he didn’t get any better. He got exhausted so quickly and spent longer and longer time at the bathroom. The guest room doesn’t have its own toilet inside so he had to come out of the room and went to the toilet next to it. Daddy suggested him to use a bedpan but that became a huge fight cause Dad thought that he considered him an invalid. Daddy didn’t say anything anymore.
They started to get tired with his temper. He refused helps, but then he and Daddy would always have to pay attention whenever they heard that he’s moving to the toilet or anywhere. He fell twice already. On one hand, he didn’t want anyone to treat him like an invalid. On the other hand, he seemed to crave for their attention too.
One time, Jaejoong was at work and Moonbin needed to go out for a while, he promised his friend a couple of months earlier to take her out to look for a new apartment. So he called Uncle Min to come and accompany his Dad.
“Can’t you just stay at home with me?”
“Dad, I promised In Young to help her look for a new apartment. She really needs to move out from her current place ‘cause it’s not a safe neighborhood.”
“Can’t she ask someone else to go with her? Why does it have to be with you?”
He could foresee another argument was rising. “Dad, you know that I’ve always stayed with you when I wasn’t at school. But I promised her, just this one time, please? I’ve called Uncle Min to accompany you until Daddy comes home.”
“Oh, so she’s more than important than your sick father who’s staying home alone? I don’t even know what time your Daddy will be home, but fine! Go! No one needs me anymore in this house! I might as well go and return to die at my hometown in Gwangju!”
He felt like crying, “Dad, please, no one is dying here!” Fortunately his uncle came at the right time. Dad retreated to his room right away, still fuming for being left by his husband and son.
“Uncle Min, it’s not that I don’t want to stay, I need to see my friends too, can you please talk to Dad?”
He gave him a hug, “Don’t worry, he’s just sensitive. Go and find that place for In Young. Don’t worry about your father, I’ll talk to him and I’ll stay as long as I’m needed.”
Still, he couldn’t fun and excused himself to call home for awhile. Uncle Min answered the phone.
“Uncle Min, how’s Dad? Is he still angry?”
“He’s sulking, but he’ll get over it, don’t worry.”
“Can I talk to him?” He regretted his decision a minute later when Dad answered his phone in a not so friendly manner. Still insisting that he should have a good time and don’t mind him, he’s not important. In the end he got home a bit later than usual, pushing himself to enjoy his free little free time. When he got home Dad was already in bed and Daddy looked totally tired and stressed out. Dad told him off also when he got home.
As day went by Moonbin was getting more and more stressed out at home in dealing with his Dad’s temper. He really admired Daddy who didn’t seem to lose his patience at all. But he’s facing his term exams, he couldn’t concentrate well with his Dad demanding attention from him all the time. He was in a good mood today though when he came into his room and laid down on his bed.
After 15 minutes Moonbin became uncomfortable being watched while studying. “Dad, what are you doing here? Don’t you need to rest?”
“I’ve been resting for a few months, is it wrong for me to just want to be with you now?”
He sighed exasperatedly. “No, I love it, but I need to study and I can’t study when you’re watching me.”
“Bin…” He played with the seam of his pillow. “I just peed… and they’re all blood, it hurt a lot too.”
The moment he heard what his Dad said he stopped breathing. He wanted to turn around and tell him that everything’s going to be okay, let’s call Dr. Lim and make another appointment. But he couldn’t… he’s too afraid to face the truth. He’s not ready to tell his Dad that he’s dying. He’s in denial and unconsciously he said it out loud to him.
“Dad, don’t tell me that you’re sick again?” He was surprised to hear the words coming out of his mouth but he didn’t have the chance to explain it when he felt his Dad was standing behind him.
“You know what, Bin. I didn’t choose to be sick. And I’m not planning to get more sick. I’m sorry if I’m such a burden to you.” And he went out of his bedroom, limping.
He broke down and cried on his notebook when Daddy got in. He didn’t say anything, but took him in his arms, “I know you didn’t mean it, baby… I know you didn’t mean it…”
He couldn’t stop crying as he begged Daddy, “Daddy, I can’t take it anymore! It’s back, it’s back! But I need to study for my exam tomorrow, let me stay at Uncle Min’s place until my exam is over, please!”
“I understand… you go pack your things and I’ll call your uncle. You don’t have to say anything to your Dad, I’ll talk to him, okay?”
And he was off in the next 15 minutes, driving himself to his Uncle’s place. He didn’t say anything when he opened the door, he just told him to study.
On the contrary to his intention to have a quiet place to study, he couldn’t sleep at all that night. His father’s words kept haunting him through the night and he just realized what an idiot he had been. The fact that his Dad came up to him and tell him about his condition must be because he was also scared. Just like the first time he told him the truth about his illness, he must’ve wanted to share his fear and to have someone to tell him that he would win the battle. But he failed in conquering his fear and instead turned him away.
He's back at home after his exam the next day.
~ o ~ o ~
He knew that he hasn’t been easy on everyone. His son, his husband, his brother… And he saw Moonbin leaving through his bedroom window. He went out to confront his husband.
“He ran away from me, didn’t he.”
“Yun, he just needs to study. You know that he’s having his term exams.”
“He might as well stay away from me. I’m dying anyway, you can also start to find someone else. You know, someone who’s not sick and who can support you.”
“Yun…”
“I can no longer make love to you, I guess it’s not fair for you since you’re still healthy and I’m very sure you also need what I can’t give you anymore. Really, I don’t mind if you find someone else who can satisfy you, but please wait a little longer until after my funeral.”
“We’re not having this kind of discussion anymore, Yun. Please… I’m tired.”
“And I’m not??” He’s really offended. “I’m the one who’s sick, but you’re the one who’s tired.”
Then he started to say things that he didn’t mean to say. He told him to remarry after he’s dead and no need to mourn him for too long, he should have someone to make him happy when he’s not around anymore. Moonbin should get a girlfriend too and maybe get married and give him grandchildren. Or maybe Changmin should do that before him, he’s been staying single for too long.
Only when he got to his bedroom did he realize that everything that he said was actually something that he had dreamed of. To make his husband happy until they grow old together, to see Moonbin get married and have children, to see his brother happy with someone to take care of him but him. But he knew he’s dying, and he would never accomplish any of it before he dies. It’s killing him inside before the cancer does.
When he came out he saw his husband crying silently with his palms on his face. He knew he had hurt him deeply. In his haste to console him, he walked a bit too fast and he lost his balance as he fell against the dresser. He groaned, he’s too weak to get up but he could feel that his husband had come running to him.
“Yun, what did you do! Let me help you, next time call out for me, ok…”
He tried to lift him but he pulled him down and wept.
“I’m sorry Jae… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to be so hard on you and Bin! I don’t want to you remarry after I die, you belong to me! I’m sorry Jae, I’m sorry for being sick!”
He could feel his husband rubbing circles on his back, “Tell Moonbin I didn’t mean to bug him so much, but I’m afraid that I won’t have much time to see him grow up anymore! I’m sorry Jae, tell him I’m sorry…”
“Shhh, he understands Yun, he understands… We should’ve understood, I’m sorry…”
I’m sorry Jae, I’m sorry… I’m dying, I can feel it, it’s eating me up… I’m dying Jae, and I’m so afraid.”
“I’ll be with you until the end, don’t you worry… Moonbin will be with you, and so will Changmin. You’re not alone in this… don’t be afraid. I’m yours even to the grave…”
He finally admitted his fear to his other half. Though it hurts a lot, it also gave him some kind of relief. He had accepted his fate. And his husband had assured him there would be no one else but him. That night, they slept together holding each other in his bedroom. As much as he wanted to make love to Jaejoong, he couldn’t. But Jaejoong had showed him at that moment that it didn’t matter… as long as he’s still there, it didn’t matter.
As he watched Jaejoong’s steady breath he realized an important thing. He’s dying, but he’s not dead yet. And that’s the most important thing for his family right now.
~ o ~ o ~
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