Everything Happens For a Reason, Chapter 12
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Chapter 12: The Bond and The Mourning
Jung Min Young was born on a rainy day in the third week of March, in Soon Mi’s 8th month pregnancy. As a premature baby and a possible cancer cell carrier, she had to stay in the hospital for 7 weeks for observation. During that long stay, she stopped her heart twice and almost had lungs failure. But she was a fighter, Yunho could tell.
Yunho shared a special bond with her daughter. That’s what he felt since he laid his eyes on her on the day of her birth inside the inkubator. She had her mother’s feature, jet black hair, long eyelashes but too pale a skin. Min Young was the baby that everybody suggested to be aborted, including the doctors. But for some reasons, Soon Mi just wouldn’t bugged down from her decision to bear her. Even when her physical health was declining that she had to have a total bedrest for 3 months before Min Young’s birth.
The doctor also predicted that she wouldn’t be able to pass her first week on earth. But here she was, 7 weeks later, ready to come home to be with her Mother, Father and Brother. Jung Min Young is Yunho’s little miracle.
Soon Mi was hospitalized for two weeks after birth, so during those period Yunho would stay with his wife until the time he could go seeing MinYoung. But after Soon Mi was discharged he had to camp out at the waiting room outside NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) every day since there was no place for parents in NICU.
The day Min Young was discharged was also the day the Jungs mourned upon hearing the doctor’s message.
Flashback
"Mr. Jung,results had shown that Min Young is positively infected with cancel cell. For the time being, she is too young thus there isn’t much that we can do to cure her. You also know that her heart had stopped twice, not to mention lungs failure, but she made it so far. I can not tell you up front what’s going to happen in the future. But love her as much as you can. And pray. I hope you believe in miracle.”
Yunho’s father who was staying with him held his his shaking hand while he’s still trying to let the words sink in. JiHye was also there but unable to say anything.
“Is it better for her to stay longer in the hospital or is it really a good idea to bring her home.”
“Even if she’s here there isn’t much that we can do. But her heart and lungs are functioning normally now so I think it is better for a child born with illness like her to stay with her parents, especially her mother. There is a special bond between a mother and a child, you know. Who knows a miracle will be created and she could grow up healthily in the future.”
Yunho didn’t have the heart to tell the doctor that it’s impossible for her wife to take care of her for the moment in her Post Natal syndrome.
“Anything that we should pay attention to?” JiHye asked.
“Yes, please give her milk according to the dose that we have designated. She needs a lot to build her natural immune system, but she also can’t drink too much - even though there hasn’t been any symptoms of digestion problem, we can never be sure but to take precautions. And whenever she seems to have trouble breathing please bring her here right away. If you hesitate, I will give you my mobile number, it will be on 24/7 so I can let you know any necessary actions to take before going to the hospital.”
End of flashback.
So here was Yunho in the hospital lobby, ready to bring his weak daughter home for the first time. His father was calling the driver to pick them up at the drop off section.
“JiHye, you’re coming home with us aren’t you? Did Changmin drop you off here this morning?” her father asked.
“Yes, he did before going to the office. Oppa, I’m sorry that he can’t be here since he’s in charge of the office cause Appa is not around.”
Yunho smiled at his sister while rocking Min Young in his arms, “It’s fine baby. Thanks for coming.” He’s on the verge of tears, happy for having a family who cared a lot about him.
“Well, I’m Min Young’s aunt too, why shouldn’t I come? But Appa, can your driver take me to Jaejoong Oppa’s place from home?”
“Jaejoong’s place? Why do you need to go there?” Yunho questioned.
JiHye sighed, “Actually Moonbin is there right now. Changmin and I picked him up from home and drove him there before I came here.”
“Why didn’t he stay at home?” It’s Yunho’s father’s turn to ask.
“Moonbin was cranky, he hated you for leaving him to pick Min Young up. He said he wanted to pick up his little sister too. When we told him that it’s not possible and he should just wait at home he’s getting restless and insisting on going to the pavilion to see Soon Mi Unnie,” she scowled. “Of course we tried to distract him and there’s no other way but to tell him that we’re going to take him too Jejussi’s place.You know how much he enjoyed playing there, so he agreed instantly and followed everything that we told him to afterwards. Lucky Jaejoong Oppa happened to have a day off.”
The older Jung let out a laugh, “That boy really loves Jaejoong, Yunho. And Jaejoong spoilt him too much by turning his guest room into ‘Binnie’s room’. At least at this kind of circumstance it came in handy.”
“It’snot like the guest room was being used either, Yoochun Oppa hardly sleptover lately too.” As soon as JiHye let the words out she regretted it. Her brother had pursed his lips into a thin line.
“He sleepover a lot?” he stiffly asked. JiHye pretended she didn’t hear.
Fortunately the driver arrived to pick them up and opened the back door for Yunho to get in.
“Let’s go, we need to get Min Young home soon. Your mother must be waiting impatiently by herself, Kibum had called me once that she asked whether we’re ready to leave the hospital. Once we get home you can use the driver to take you to Jaejoong.” Yunho’s father took charge in ushering his children.
* * * * *
When Changmin and JiHye first brought Moonbin to his place, he was a little taken aback. He didn’t ask them question, just raised his eyebrows.
“Sorry Hyung, our turn to babysit. He actually wanted to stay with Yunho-hyung but kind of hard with Soon Mi noona having a bedrest. Appa is in the office and Umma looked tired so we volunteered. We’ve been playing at the arcade for like 2 hours already and thought maybe we could drop by to have lunch and let Binnie take some nap.” Changmin gave out his best persuasive smile.As if Jaejoong would buy it.
“And what made you so sure that I’m home?”
JiHye was getting impatient and stormed passed Jaejoong into the house with little Moonbin, “Oh Oppa please! We weren’t sure but you gave us your codes anyway, so we thought you wouldn’t mind. We rang the bell just for the sake of decency! Binnie, say thanks to Jae Ahjussi for letting you eat and sleep later here.” She turned the little boy over to face Jaejoong.
“Thank you Jejussi! Binnie is hungry, Noona told Binnie that Jejussi cook nice food. Binnie wants to eat Jejussi’s food.” He flashed his white teeth at him.
It’s hard not to smile back.
After that visit, everytime it’s their turn to babysit, the newlyweds took the liberty to bring Moonbin along to his place, with him around or not, never mattered. Not that the young man minded, but he was the baby in the family for his parents, then he became someone who had to be responsible on someone else’s as a manager - the transition was not expected but he adjusted to it fine. Having to be around children - well just a child in Moonbin’s matter - is a new thing for him. Especially since it’s Yunho’s. He strived not to let his mind wander with ‘what ifs’. He got over that man alright, but having a child, a family, was something he was always yearning for… and used to dream of with the other man.
As the frequency of their meeting increased, he couldn’t help to not fall in love with the little boy. He saw the much younger version of him in Moonbin. He was an only child from a pair of scientists who travelled around the world throughout the year. He was raised as an independent boy. No matter how much he longed to see his parents, he had to settle in waiting until they came home and held him in their embrace. They left him in a care of an expensive and attentive Nanny, but it’s not enough. His parent were the best. Quality over quantity. Simillar with Moonbin.
Except that Moonbin knew his father was just next door but he had to wait until his father had spare time from taking care of his mother. He knew his mother was with his father, but it’s not good to be around her since she tended to lose her temper over him. Still, he’s just a kid, other people but his parents wouldn’t matter to him. Most of his life spent in the care of his grandparents and aunt and uncle. He’s only a little over 2 years old, but Jaejoong saw an old soul in him. And he didn’t have the heart to turn the boy away when his own parents had done pretty much so.
He always heard from JiHye that Moonbin was a little monster around his mother. Never stood still, never stopped chatting, never stopped running around in circles and that drove his mother crazy - she literally was. But whenever he was with Yunho, he suddenly turned into a perfect angel. Never ceased to smile,trying to feed himself -- messily, always kept his toys in place. Jaejoong wasn’t with him every day but it’s obvious that he was looking for attention unconsciously.
The other Jungs didn’t have the heart to say no to his every whim, knowing how desperate he was with his parents love. But it’s not right, especially with Min Young in the picture now, he should have to have someone to show him that he’s loved and that he doesn’t have to mess around to earn it. It’s a pity that a sweet baby like him (yes, he’s just a baby to Jaejoong) have to learn to be independent and live to put aside his need of love with understanding. Like father like son, looks like it’s up to him again to put up with the task. Not sure if he would understand what he’s about to say, but no harm in trying.
He found the boy in ‘his room’ drawing silently on a piece of paper. He turned his guest room into a nursery, considering he couldn’t let Binnie sleep on his bed every time or making a mess on his living room. Yoochun hated that. But he didn’t have a say in Jaejoong turning the guest room into Binnie’s own. Or maybe he did but he chose to keep silent to avoid another tension between them.
He leaned on the the door frame before he spoke, “Hey Binnie, what are you drawing? Can Jejussi look?” Since the wedding day, Jaejoong stuck with Jejussi as his nick-name from Moonbin. He couldn’t careless to change it though the boy could speak clearly now. It sounded cute.
The boy stopped drawing. “I’m drawing Umma and Appa. I want to draw Min Young too, but I don’t know what she looks like, I never see her. So I draw her in blankets, Binnie saw babies in blankets from JiHye’s noona magazine.” He didn’t offer him to look.
“He must’ve looked like you, I’m sure of that. Do you draw yourself too?”
Silence for a few seconds. “No. I can’t draw myself. And this is Umma and Appa… in hospital… with Min Young, Binnie never goes to hospital.” He sounded sad, but it’s true. They never took him to the hospital, afraid that it would stress him out. From the look of it, he just felt left out.
Jaejoong walked closer and sat on the floor next to his kiddy chair and table. “Binnie, I heard from your Noona that you were naughty at home. You made Umma and Appa angry.”
He stopped drawing and playing with his fingers instead, “Jejussi think Binnie bad?”
“No, I don’t think so. But if you keep making your mother angry I might think that you really are a bad boy.” He didn’t want to make the boy feel guilty, but he has to know that there are other forms of seeking attention instead of creating chaos.
He didn’t see it coming but Moonbin suddenly bawled out on his seat, crying his heart out while clenching his tiny fist on his knees. And JiHye chose that moment to walk in.
She gasped at what she saw and was ready to run to him, “Binnie, what’s hap-“
Jaejoong stopped her before she walked in and put his finger on his lips, telling her to be quiet. He let the boy cried for awhile before he told him, “Jejussi thinks that Binnie is a good boy and Jejussi loves Binnie. So Binnie has to let Jejussi knows why Binnie was naughty.”
Moonbin cried harder though Jaejoong thought it’s not possible anymore. The sight of the little boy really made his heart cry out too -- JiHye already teared up and she didn’t even know what’s going on. He didn’t want to push him to give him an answer, he’s only 2.5 years old after all, but he has to learn not to bottle up his emotion.
The next words from his tiny mouth were heartbreaking, “I’m sorry Umma! I’m sorry Appa! Binnie just miss you! Binnie wants to play with you-- *hiccup* I-I’m sorry Jejussi… please don’t angry at Binnie *hiccup* Binnie will be a good boy, Binnie will be good-“
That’s enough for Jaejoong to reach out and pulled the boy onto his lap, holding him tightly all tears and snot and whatnot… The tiny hands now clutched on Jaejoong’s front hem as Jaejoong caressed his hair and spoke softly.
“Binnie is not a bad boy, Binnie is a good boy. Umma and Appa loves Binnie, Gamma and Gappa loves Binnie, JiHye Noona and Changmin Hyung loves Binnie…” he breath deeply, “and Jejussi loves Binnie so much…”
JiHye was now sobbing on her knees by the door.
“No one is angry at Binnie… But Binnie has to promise Jejussi… whenever Binnie wants to play with Appa, Binnie has to ask first OK? And if Appa is tired, Binnie can get Gamma to call Jejussi to play with you. Umma is sick so Umma is tired all the time and cannot play. Now Binnie has Min Young, so when she’s older Binnie can play with her too. Binnie understand what Jejussi said?” He knew that the kid might not understand 50% of his talk.
The boy nodded in his embrace and after awhile his cry ceased and he began to drift off.
Jaejoong stood up holding the boy, “Now Binnie sleep and Jejussi will cook for Binnie so when Binnie wakes up Binnie can eat.”
But Moonbin opened his eyes again and shook his head hard as the waterworks began again, “No no no!! Binnie sleep with Jejussi! Binnie be a good boy, Jejussi sleep with Binnie!”
“OK, ok, fine… fine… shush, Binnie is a good boy, Jejussi will sleep with Binnie… When Binnie wakes up Binnie will see Jejussi… Binnie should stop crying now…” he spoke in soothing tones as he carried Moonbin to his own bedroom. Moonbin’s bed was too small for both of them.
JiHye was still speechless as she saw them retreating into Jeajoong’s bedroom. Guess it’s her turn to cook for both of them now.
* * * * *
JiHye just finished with the soup when Yoochun dropped by. He looked around and only found her in the kitchen.
“Hey babe, you’re cooking? Wow… what happened?” he teased her. “And I heard that the little monster is here, where is he? Where’s Jaejoong?”
“They’re sleeping.” She replied shortly and continued cooking. She wasn’t in the mood to chitchat.
Yoochun went to the guest room, it’s empty. So he moved next door to Jaejoong’s. Both boys were sleeping holding each other. He approched the bed to peep and saw that Moonbin’s face was a mess, trail of dried tears and snot were all over his face. He flinched and went to Jaejoong’s bathroom to get a wet towel.
He slowly cleaned every part of the boy’s face that he could reach below Jaejoong’s arms, but the boy didn’t even stir. Jaejoong’s face also had a track of tears and he went ahead to clean it up too, Jaejoong murmured something he couldn’t catch but he didn’t wake up either. He bent down to kiss the sleeping man’s head affectionately and returned to see JiHye in the kitchen.
“JiHye, their faces looked like they’ve been watching a lame soap opera the whole night long. What happened? Who died?” he asked her as he leaned on the counter.
Since she wasn’t watching how it started she couldn’t tell much, but at least she got the gist of what happened. Jaejoong managed to explain a little in whispers as he got into his bedroom before he closed the door.
Yoochun looked up at the ceiling. “He’s getting too attached with Moonbin, and so is the boy. First I lost my guest room -- which is good cause now he lets me sleep with him whenever I sleep over. But if he has to play daddy too… I-“ he threw his hands in the air. “I’m not sure I like it.”
JiHye looked uncomfortable. “I’m sorry Oppa… I know you don’t like it, but the condition at home was a little unsupportive to him. I just… “ now it’s her turn to cry once again. Seemed like the theme of the day was ‘Let’s go and cry at Jaejoong’s place.’
Yoochun had to step up and hug her. “No, it’s me who need to apologize, I’m sorry. I didn’t say it right. It’s just that it wasn’t easy for him to finally opened up to me and now Moonbin also took up his time and he seemed so content with it.”
He wiped her tears and held her shoulders at arms length, “JiHye, he didn’t even bat an eyelash at me for more than two years until he cleared things up with your brother. And it’s just been 8 months since we started this relationship but I’m not sure it was me he’s thinking of when we’re together. He always have this… look. I don’t know… I can’t even understand it.”
He moved to the living room as he combed his hair with his fingers in frustration. He sat down with a plop.
“He told me that he sees Yunho as nothing but a good friend now. I know that your parents also sees him as a son like you see him as your own brother. But… I don’t know, I’m confuse. I don’t think I’m ready to be involved that deep in your family matters. Not when I’m not even sure where I stand with him.”
JiHye didn’t dare to look up to him and kept a distance from where he sat. She really appreciated his honesty, but she knew there was a boundary that she couldn’t cross when it comes to Yoochun’s relationship with Jaejoong.
“Even when we kissed or slept together, I wasn’t sure it’s Jaejoong that I was holding. Somehow he’s still felt untouchable in some ways deeper than I could reach out.”
“Oppa, gives him some time. I didn’t know that your relationship with Jaejoong Oppa was like that, I’m sorry… we’re sorry… But please understand and give him some time.” She plead with him.
Yoochun chuckled, “Sure I will. I have spent 2 years chasing after him anyway… won’t be a problem to extend it for another year. “ he smiled to put her at ease. “And by the way, what’s with the Noona and Hyung calling for you and Changmin? Aren’t you supposed to be Ahjumma and Ahjussi?”
She pouted, “You really think we look like an Ahjumma and Ahjussi? No thanks!”
“Not even aunty and uncle? There’s another kiddy now behind him, both of you suits the call,” he’s never tired in pulling the girl’s leg.
“Once again, no thanks. I’m still in college anyway, I’m not that old to be called Aunty. And that goes for Min Young too. That girl better be calling me Unnie once she starts to speak!” She huffed and turned her body, “You better wake up the boys, ‘Chun Ahjussi’” she smirked
“They must be starving when they wake up, I’ll get the table ready.”
Yoochun laughed outloud at her strike. “Sure do, ’JiHye Aunty’.” And that earned him a glare as he made his way to his beloved’s bedroom.
* * * * *
Soon Mi rocked herself slowly on the rocking chair next to Min Young’s crib. This would be her second day alone with her daughter, her poor sickly daughter… She hasn’t been in medication for the past 2 weeks, so they allowed her to share some private moments with Min Young. ‘To build a bond that might make miracle’ was what her father in law said.
She held out her hand to touch the chubby cheek… so beautiful, so pale… so like me. And tear rolled down her face. She hadn’t been a model wife or mother. She has been a selfish and despicable person the moment she wanted Yunho for herself. She knew that nobody saw her as anything good, her mother couldn’t even look her in the eyes during her stay when she was having her breakdown on her early pregnancy. She couldn’t help to despise herself too.
Everything was wrong for her as it was also right. Was it wrong to want to have your wishes fulfiled when you’re dying? Was it wrong to want to make your dreams come true when you only have a little time left? Even if the god condemned her for all she had done she would still believe that she had made the right thing for herself.
The only mistake that she regretted was Min Young. She was something that she couldn’t forgive herself for. She made her born before time and infected her with the deadly cells. It was a torture for her to see her struggling hard to stay alive with her imperfect heart and lungs. She prayed to god over and over to save her and let her live. Not for her, but for Yunho… and for Moonbin. Her time is getting near.
She eyed the bottle of sleeping pills in her hands… thinking how many would she need to make her asleep for a long time. She’s tired… very tired… of making Yunho’s life miserable when he had been a perfect husband for her. For keeping an act to her parents and kept them away. For pretending that she didn’t love Moonbin like she had to. Moonbin… it’s impossible to not love him, he was their first child, the son that made her feel complete. But she chased him away with her anger… he shouldn’t be so close to her or he would hate her more when he grew up.
He has Jaejoong now… Jaejoong, the name that haunted her night and day. She felt sorry for taking Yunho away from him, but he should know that his sacrifice had completed her mission in this world. That she lived for Jung Yunho and Yunho only. That she was the only person that owned him, that she was the one who created a family with him.
She took a handful of out of the bottle… No one would miss her, her time is up, she couldn’t stand another chemo series that’s waiting for her, she’s exhausted. Everyone had Jaejoong now, Yunho will have Jaejoong now… even Moonbin spent more time at Jaejoong’s place lately… she’s not needed anymore. It’s time to set everyone free from the hell called ‘Han Soon Mi’. Or ‘Jung Soon Mi’, if she deserved the name.
She glanced at her beautiful daughter and smiled… ‘You’ll be fine… you are strong… your Appa will be there for you… you Brother will support you… you will be loved by your Grandparents, your Aunt and your Uncle… and you won’t remember me…’ She swallowed the pills dry.
Her eyes were getting heavy but she couldn’t take her eyes off of her Min Young. ‘Forgive me my baby… that I don’t have the chance to see you grow up… that I have to make you struggle to live on your own… but trust me for one last time… that you will live for a long time in the place of the woman who gave birth to you…’
Soon Mi felt like she’s drifting away… leaving the her fear and her insecurities behind… And the last thing that she saw before she closed her eyes were two pair of tiny eyes of her daughter looking at her as if she’s saying, ‘Goodbye Umma… and thank you for letting me be born.’ And she closed her eyes with smile on her face. Her life has been completed.
* * * * *
Chapter 13
Here you go peeps... the chapter that you've been waiting for. I hope you're satisfied with it and please read with a calm and kind heart :)
I couldn't sleep well last night thinking over this chapter all night... always happened to me whenever those words were already at the tips of my fingers. And better got it done and over with while my muse is being friendly :)
I haven't been able to reply all the comments in the previous chapter but believe me, all comments are highly appreciated.
And if you think Moonbin is acting too old for his age, I'm telling you that I'm writing down his character based on my experience with children as the resident babysitter in the family. Children can see and feel far more than you can imagine, even in young age. And some children are more sensitive than us, adults that they can sense the tense around them even if they don't understand it. They try to express their feelings sometimes, but their limited vocabulary makes us thinks that they just don't understand :D Try to talk seriously with them once in a while, you'll be surprised just how much they have observed their surroundings.
As for some messages of courage for me, I thank you from the deep of my heart m(-_-)m Feb 18 will be her 3rd anniversary and I'm getting so much courage from you guys. Taking care of her for 2 years in her sickness, watching her suffer through pains & helplessness was also a struggle for me. But I'm glad that I have done what I could for her. Maybe not the best, but I'm happy to know that she knew she was loved.
I also found out that some of you are facing the similar situation as I was back then. I pray for you to be strong for your Mother, and I pray for your mothers to be strong in her fight every single day, even though I don't know each of your personally. Mother - daughter bond is special in this way. I know it must be hard on you too, but I remember what my mom's doctor told me, "You can not feel the pain and the despair that she feels . The only thing you can do for her is be patient with her and show her that you love her." I hope you can do the same. And once again, let's get ourselves checked-up girls. For the future!
Chapter 12: The Bond and The Mourning
Jung Min Young was born on a rainy day in the third week of March, in Soon Mi’s 8th month pregnancy. As a premature baby and a possible cancer cell carrier, she had to stay in the hospital for 7 weeks for observation. During that long stay, she stopped her heart twice and almost had lungs failure. But she was a fighter, Yunho could tell.
Yunho shared a special bond with her daughter. That’s what he felt since he laid his eyes on her on the day of her birth inside the inkubator. She had her mother’s feature, jet black hair, long eyelashes but too pale a skin. Min Young was the baby that everybody suggested to be aborted, including the doctors. But for some reasons, Soon Mi just wouldn’t bugged down from her decision to bear her. Even when her physical health was declining that she had to have a total bedrest for 3 months before Min Young’s birth.
The doctor also predicted that she wouldn’t be able to pass her first week on earth. But here she was, 7 weeks later, ready to come home to be with her Mother, Father and Brother. Jung Min Young is Yunho’s little miracle.
Soon Mi was hospitalized for two weeks after birth, so during those period Yunho would stay with his wife until the time he could go seeing MinYoung. But after Soon Mi was discharged he had to camp out at the waiting room outside NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) every day since there was no place for parents in NICU.
The day Min Young was discharged was also the day the Jungs mourned upon hearing the doctor’s message.
Flashback
"Mr. Jung,results had shown that Min Young is positively infected with cancel cell. For the time being, she is too young thus there isn’t much that we can do to cure her. You also know that her heart had stopped twice, not to mention lungs failure, but she made it so far. I can not tell you up front what’s going to happen in the future. But love her as much as you can. And pray. I hope you believe in miracle.”
Yunho’s father who was staying with him held his his shaking hand while he’s still trying to let the words sink in. JiHye was also there but unable to say anything.
“Is it better for her to stay longer in the hospital or is it really a good idea to bring her home.”
“Even if she’s here there isn’t much that we can do. But her heart and lungs are functioning normally now so I think it is better for a child born with illness like her to stay with her parents, especially her mother. There is a special bond between a mother and a child, you know. Who knows a miracle will be created and she could grow up healthily in the future.”
Yunho didn’t have the heart to tell the doctor that it’s impossible for her wife to take care of her for the moment in her Post Natal syndrome.
“Anything that we should pay attention to?” JiHye asked.
“Yes, please give her milk according to the dose that we have designated. She needs a lot to build her natural immune system, but she also can’t drink too much - even though there hasn’t been any symptoms of digestion problem, we can never be sure but to take precautions. And whenever she seems to have trouble breathing please bring her here right away. If you hesitate, I will give you my mobile number, it will be on 24/7 so I can let you know any necessary actions to take before going to the hospital.”
End of flashback.
So here was Yunho in the hospital lobby, ready to bring his weak daughter home for the first time. His father was calling the driver to pick them up at the drop off section.
“JiHye, you’re coming home with us aren’t you? Did Changmin drop you off here this morning?” her father asked.
“Yes, he did before going to the office. Oppa, I’m sorry that he can’t be here since he’s in charge of the office cause Appa is not around.”
Yunho smiled at his sister while rocking Min Young in his arms, “It’s fine baby. Thanks for coming.” He’s on the verge of tears, happy for having a family who cared a lot about him.
“Well, I’m Min Young’s aunt too, why shouldn’t I come? But Appa, can your driver take me to Jaejoong Oppa’s place from home?”
“Jaejoong’s place? Why do you need to go there?” Yunho questioned.
JiHye sighed, “Actually Moonbin is there right now. Changmin and I picked him up from home and drove him there before I came here.”
“Why didn’t he stay at home?” It’s Yunho’s father’s turn to ask.
“Moonbin was cranky, he hated you for leaving him to pick Min Young up. He said he wanted to pick up his little sister too. When we told him that it’s not possible and he should just wait at home he’s getting restless and insisting on going to the pavilion to see Soon Mi Unnie,” she scowled. “Of course we tried to distract him and there’s no other way but to tell him that we’re going to take him too Jejussi’s place.You know how much he enjoyed playing there, so he agreed instantly and followed everything that we told him to afterwards. Lucky Jaejoong Oppa happened to have a day off.”
The older Jung let out a laugh, “That boy really loves Jaejoong, Yunho. And Jaejoong spoilt him too much by turning his guest room into ‘Binnie’s room’. At least at this kind of circumstance it came in handy.”
“It’snot like the guest room was being used either, Yoochun Oppa hardly sleptover lately too.” As soon as JiHye let the words out she regretted it. Her brother had pursed his lips into a thin line.
“He sleepover a lot?” he stiffly asked. JiHye pretended she didn’t hear.
Fortunately the driver arrived to pick them up and opened the back door for Yunho to get in.
“Let’s go, we need to get Min Young home soon. Your mother must be waiting impatiently by herself, Kibum had called me once that she asked whether we’re ready to leave the hospital. Once we get home you can use the driver to take you to Jaejoong.” Yunho’s father took charge in ushering his children.
* * * * *
When Changmin and JiHye first brought Moonbin to his place, he was a little taken aback. He didn’t ask them question, just raised his eyebrows.
“Sorry Hyung, our turn to babysit. He actually wanted to stay with Yunho-hyung but kind of hard with Soon Mi noona having a bedrest. Appa is in the office and Umma looked tired so we volunteered. We’ve been playing at the arcade for like 2 hours already and thought maybe we could drop by to have lunch and let Binnie take some nap.” Changmin gave out his best persuasive smile.As if Jaejoong would buy it.
“And what made you so sure that I’m home?”
JiHye was getting impatient and stormed passed Jaejoong into the house with little Moonbin, “Oh Oppa please! We weren’t sure but you gave us your codes anyway, so we thought you wouldn’t mind. We rang the bell just for the sake of decency! Binnie, say thanks to Jae Ahjussi for letting you eat and sleep later here.” She turned the little boy over to face Jaejoong.
“Thank you Jejussi! Binnie is hungry, Noona told Binnie that Jejussi cook nice food. Binnie wants to eat Jejussi’s food.” He flashed his white teeth at him.
It’s hard not to smile back.
After that visit, everytime it’s their turn to babysit, the newlyweds took the liberty to bring Moonbin along to his place, with him around or not, never mattered. Not that the young man minded, but he was the baby in the family for his parents, then he became someone who had to be responsible on someone else’s as a manager - the transition was not expected but he adjusted to it fine. Having to be around children - well just a child in Moonbin’s matter - is a new thing for him. Especially since it’s Yunho’s. He strived not to let his mind wander with ‘what ifs’. He got over that man alright, but having a child, a family, was something he was always yearning for… and used to dream of with the other man.
As the frequency of their meeting increased, he couldn’t help to not fall in love with the little boy. He saw the much younger version of him in Moonbin. He was an only child from a pair of scientists who travelled around the world throughout the year. He was raised as an independent boy. No matter how much he longed to see his parents, he had to settle in waiting until they came home and held him in their embrace. They left him in a care of an expensive and attentive Nanny, but it’s not enough. His parent were the best. Quality over quantity. Simillar with Moonbin.
Except that Moonbin knew his father was just next door but he had to wait until his father had spare time from taking care of his mother. He knew his mother was with his father, but it’s not good to be around her since she tended to lose her temper over him. Still, he’s just a kid, other people but his parents wouldn’t matter to him. Most of his life spent in the care of his grandparents and aunt and uncle. He’s only a little over 2 years old, but Jaejoong saw an old soul in him. And he didn’t have the heart to turn the boy away when his own parents had done pretty much so.
He always heard from JiHye that Moonbin was a little monster around his mother. Never stood still, never stopped chatting, never stopped running around in circles and that drove his mother crazy - she literally was. But whenever he was with Yunho, he suddenly turned into a perfect angel. Never ceased to smile,trying to feed himself -- messily, always kept his toys in place. Jaejoong wasn’t with him every day but it’s obvious that he was looking for attention unconsciously.
The other Jungs didn’t have the heart to say no to his every whim, knowing how desperate he was with his parents love. But it’s not right, especially with Min Young in the picture now, he should have to have someone to show him that he’s loved and that he doesn’t have to mess around to earn it. It’s a pity that a sweet baby like him (yes, he’s just a baby to Jaejoong) have to learn to be independent and live to put aside his need of love with understanding. Like father like son, looks like it’s up to him again to put up with the task. Not sure if he would understand what he’s about to say, but no harm in trying.
He found the boy in ‘his room’ drawing silently on a piece of paper. He turned his guest room into a nursery, considering he couldn’t let Binnie sleep on his bed every time or making a mess on his living room. Yoochun hated that. But he didn’t have a say in Jaejoong turning the guest room into Binnie’s own. Or maybe he did but he chose to keep silent to avoid another tension between them.
He leaned on the the door frame before he spoke, “Hey Binnie, what are you drawing? Can Jejussi look?” Since the wedding day, Jaejoong stuck with Jejussi as his nick-name from Moonbin. He couldn’t careless to change it though the boy could speak clearly now. It sounded cute.
The boy stopped drawing. “I’m drawing Umma and Appa. I want to draw Min Young too, but I don’t know what she looks like, I never see her. So I draw her in blankets, Binnie saw babies in blankets from JiHye’s noona magazine.” He didn’t offer him to look.
“He must’ve looked like you, I’m sure of that. Do you draw yourself too?”
Silence for a few seconds. “No. I can’t draw myself. And this is Umma and Appa… in hospital… with Min Young, Binnie never goes to hospital.” He sounded sad, but it’s true. They never took him to the hospital, afraid that it would stress him out. From the look of it, he just felt left out.
Jaejoong walked closer and sat on the floor next to his kiddy chair and table. “Binnie, I heard from your Noona that you were naughty at home. You made Umma and Appa angry.”
He stopped drawing and playing with his fingers instead, “Jejussi think Binnie bad?”
“No, I don’t think so. But if you keep making your mother angry I might think that you really are a bad boy.” He didn’t want to make the boy feel guilty, but he has to know that there are other forms of seeking attention instead of creating chaos.
He didn’t see it coming but Moonbin suddenly bawled out on his seat, crying his heart out while clenching his tiny fist on his knees. And JiHye chose that moment to walk in.
She gasped at what she saw and was ready to run to him, “Binnie, what’s hap-“
Jaejoong stopped her before she walked in and put his finger on his lips, telling her to be quiet. He let the boy cried for awhile before he told him, “Jejussi thinks that Binnie is a good boy and Jejussi loves Binnie. So Binnie has to let Jejussi knows why Binnie was naughty.”
Moonbin cried harder though Jaejoong thought it’s not possible anymore. The sight of the little boy really made his heart cry out too -- JiHye already teared up and she didn’t even know what’s going on. He didn’t want to push him to give him an answer, he’s only 2.5 years old after all, but he has to learn not to bottle up his emotion.
The next words from his tiny mouth were heartbreaking, “I’m sorry Umma! I’m sorry Appa! Binnie just miss you! Binnie wants to play with you-- *hiccup* I-I’m sorry Jejussi… please don’t angry at Binnie *hiccup* Binnie will be a good boy, Binnie will be good-“
That’s enough for Jaejoong to reach out and pulled the boy onto his lap, holding him tightly all tears and snot and whatnot… The tiny hands now clutched on Jaejoong’s front hem as Jaejoong caressed his hair and spoke softly.
“Binnie is not a bad boy, Binnie is a good boy. Umma and Appa loves Binnie, Gamma and Gappa loves Binnie, JiHye Noona and Changmin Hyung loves Binnie…” he breath deeply, “and Jejussi loves Binnie so much…”
JiHye was now sobbing on her knees by the door.
“No one is angry at Binnie… But Binnie has to promise Jejussi… whenever Binnie wants to play with Appa, Binnie has to ask first OK? And if Appa is tired, Binnie can get Gamma to call Jejussi to play with you. Umma is sick so Umma is tired all the time and cannot play. Now Binnie has Min Young, so when she’s older Binnie can play with her too. Binnie understand what Jejussi said?” He knew that the kid might not understand 50% of his talk.
The boy nodded in his embrace and after awhile his cry ceased and he began to drift off.
Jaejoong stood up holding the boy, “Now Binnie sleep and Jejussi will cook for Binnie so when Binnie wakes up Binnie can eat.”
But Moonbin opened his eyes again and shook his head hard as the waterworks began again, “No no no!! Binnie sleep with Jejussi! Binnie be a good boy, Jejussi sleep with Binnie!”
“OK, ok, fine… fine… shush, Binnie is a good boy, Jejussi will sleep with Binnie… When Binnie wakes up Binnie will see Jejussi… Binnie should stop crying now…” he spoke in soothing tones as he carried Moonbin to his own bedroom. Moonbin’s bed was too small for both of them.
JiHye was still speechless as she saw them retreating into Jeajoong’s bedroom. Guess it’s her turn to cook for both of them now.
* * * * *
JiHye just finished with the soup when Yoochun dropped by. He looked around and only found her in the kitchen.
“Hey babe, you’re cooking? Wow… what happened?” he teased her. “And I heard that the little monster is here, where is he? Where’s Jaejoong?”
“They’re sleeping.” She replied shortly and continued cooking. She wasn’t in the mood to chitchat.
Yoochun went to the guest room, it’s empty. So he moved next door to Jaejoong’s. Both boys were sleeping holding each other. He approched the bed to peep and saw that Moonbin’s face was a mess, trail of dried tears and snot were all over his face. He flinched and went to Jaejoong’s bathroom to get a wet towel.
He slowly cleaned every part of the boy’s face that he could reach below Jaejoong’s arms, but the boy didn’t even stir. Jaejoong’s face also had a track of tears and he went ahead to clean it up too, Jaejoong murmured something he couldn’t catch but he didn’t wake up either. He bent down to kiss the sleeping man’s head affectionately and returned to see JiHye in the kitchen.
“JiHye, their faces looked like they’ve been watching a lame soap opera the whole night long. What happened? Who died?” he asked her as he leaned on the counter.
Since she wasn’t watching how it started she couldn’t tell much, but at least she got the gist of what happened. Jaejoong managed to explain a little in whispers as he got into his bedroom before he closed the door.
Yoochun looked up at the ceiling. “He’s getting too attached with Moonbin, and so is the boy. First I lost my guest room -- which is good cause now he lets me sleep with him whenever I sleep over. But if he has to play daddy too… I-“ he threw his hands in the air. “I’m not sure I like it.”
JiHye looked uncomfortable. “I’m sorry Oppa… I know you don’t like it, but the condition at home was a little unsupportive to him. I just… “ now it’s her turn to cry once again. Seemed like the theme of the day was ‘Let’s go and cry at Jaejoong’s place.’
Yoochun had to step up and hug her. “No, it’s me who need to apologize, I’m sorry. I didn’t say it right. It’s just that it wasn’t easy for him to finally opened up to me and now Moonbin also took up his time and he seemed so content with it.”
He wiped her tears and held her shoulders at arms length, “JiHye, he didn’t even bat an eyelash at me for more than two years until he cleared things up with your brother. And it’s just been 8 months since we started this relationship but I’m not sure it was me he’s thinking of when we’re together. He always have this… look. I don’t know… I can’t even understand it.”
He moved to the living room as he combed his hair with his fingers in frustration. He sat down with a plop.
“He told me that he sees Yunho as nothing but a good friend now. I know that your parents also sees him as a son like you see him as your own brother. But… I don’t know, I’m confuse. I don’t think I’m ready to be involved that deep in your family matters. Not when I’m not even sure where I stand with him.”
JiHye didn’t dare to look up to him and kept a distance from where he sat. She really appreciated his honesty, but she knew there was a boundary that she couldn’t cross when it comes to Yoochun’s relationship with Jaejoong.
“Even when we kissed or slept together, I wasn’t sure it’s Jaejoong that I was holding. Somehow he’s still felt untouchable in some ways deeper than I could reach out.”
“Oppa, gives him some time. I didn’t know that your relationship with Jaejoong Oppa was like that, I’m sorry… we’re sorry… But please understand and give him some time.” She plead with him.
Yoochun chuckled, “Sure I will. I have spent 2 years chasing after him anyway… won’t be a problem to extend it for another year. “ he smiled to put her at ease. “And by the way, what’s with the Noona and Hyung calling for you and Changmin? Aren’t you supposed to be Ahjumma and Ahjussi?”
She pouted, “You really think we look like an Ahjumma and Ahjussi? No thanks!”
“Not even aunty and uncle? There’s another kiddy now behind him, both of you suits the call,” he’s never tired in pulling the girl’s leg.
“Once again, no thanks. I’m still in college anyway, I’m not that old to be called Aunty. And that goes for Min Young too. That girl better be calling me Unnie once she starts to speak!” She huffed and turned her body, “You better wake up the boys, ‘Chun Ahjussi’” she smirked
“They must be starving when they wake up, I’ll get the table ready.”
Yoochun laughed outloud at her strike. “Sure do, ’JiHye Aunty’.” And that earned him a glare as he made his way to his beloved’s bedroom.
* * * * *
Soon Mi rocked herself slowly on the rocking chair next to Min Young’s crib. This would be her second day alone with her daughter, her poor sickly daughter… She hasn’t been in medication for the past 2 weeks, so they allowed her to share some private moments with Min Young. ‘To build a bond that might make miracle’ was what her father in law said.
She held out her hand to touch the chubby cheek… so beautiful, so pale… so like me. And tear rolled down her face. She hadn’t been a model wife or mother. She has been a selfish and despicable person the moment she wanted Yunho for herself. She knew that nobody saw her as anything good, her mother couldn’t even look her in the eyes during her stay when she was having her breakdown on her early pregnancy. She couldn’t help to despise herself too.
Everything was wrong for her as it was also right. Was it wrong to want to have your wishes fulfiled when you’re dying? Was it wrong to want to make your dreams come true when you only have a little time left? Even if the god condemned her for all she had done she would still believe that she had made the right thing for herself.
The only mistake that she regretted was Min Young. She was something that she couldn’t forgive herself for. She made her born before time and infected her with the deadly cells. It was a torture for her to see her struggling hard to stay alive with her imperfect heart and lungs. She prayed to god over and over to save her and let her live. Not for her, but for Yunho… and for Moonbin. Her time is getting near.
She eyed the bottle of sleeping pills in her hands… thinking how many would she need to make her asleep for a long time. She’s tired… very tired… of making Yunho’s life miserable when he had been a perfect husband for her. For keeping an act to her parents and kept them away. For pretending that she didn’t love Moonbin like she had to. Moonbin… it’s impossible to not love him, he was their first child, the son that made her feel complete. But she chased him away with her anger… he shouldn’t be so close to her or he would hate her more when he grew up.
He has Jaejoong now… Jaejoong, the name that haunted her night and day. She felt sorry for taking Yunho away from him, but he should know that his sacrifice had completed her mission in this world. That she lived for Jung Yunho and Yunho only. That she was the only person that owned him, that she was the one who created a family with him.
She took a handful of out of the bottle… No one would miss her, her time is up, she couldn’t stand another chemo series that’s waiting for her, she’s exhausted. Everyone had Jaejoong now, Yunho will have Jaejoong now… even Moonbin spent more time at Jaejoong’s place lately… she’s not needed anymore. It’s time to set everyone free from the hell called ‘Han Soon Mi’. Or ‘Jung Soon Mi’, if she deserved the name.
She glanced at her beautiful daughter and smiled… ‘You’ll be fine… you are strong… your Appa will be there for you… you Brother will support you… you will be loved by your Grandparents, your Aunt and your Uncle… and you won’t remember me…’ She swallowed the pills dry.
Her eyes were getting heavy but she couldn’t take her eyes off of her Min Young. ‘Forgive me my baby… that I don’t have the chance to see you grow up… that I have to make you struggle to live on your own… but trust me for one last time… that you will live for a long time in the place of the woman who gave birth to you…’
Soon Mi felt like she’s drifting away… leaving the her fear and her insecurities behind… And the last thing that she saw before she closed her eyes were two pair of tiny eyes of her daughter looking at her as if she’s saying, ‘Goodbye Umma… and thank you for letting me be born.’ And she closed her eyes with smile on her face. Her life has been completed.
* * * * *
Chapter 13
Here you go peeps... the chapter that you've been waiting for. I hope you're satisfied with it and please read with a calm and kind heart :)
I couldn't sleep well last night thinking over this chapter all night... always happened to me whenever those words were already at the tips of my fingers. And better got it done and over with while my muse is being friendly :)
I haven't been able to reply all the comments in the previous chapter but believe me, all comments are highly appreciated.
And if you think Moonbin is acting too old for his age, I'm telling you that I'm writing down his character based on my experience with children as the resident babysitter in the family. Children can see and feel far more than you can imagine, even in young age. And some children are more sensitive than us, adults that they can sense the tense around them even if they don't understand it. They try to express their feelings sometimes, but their limited vocabulary makes us thinks that they just don't understand :D Try to talk seriously with them once in a while, you'll be surprised just how much they have observed their surroundings.
As for some messages of courage for me, I thank you from the deep of my heart m(-_-)m Feb 18 will be her 3rd anniversary and I'm getting so much courage from you guys. Taking care of her for 2 years in her sickness, watching her suffer through pains & helplessness was also a struggle for me. But I'm glad that I have done what I could for her. Maybe not the best, but I'm happy to know that she knew she was loved.
I also found out that some of you are facing the similar situation as I was back then. I pray for you to be strong for your Mother, and I pray for your mothers to be strong in her fight every single day, even though I don't know each of your personally. Mother - daughter bond is special in this way. I know it must be hard on you too, but I remember what my mom's doctor told me, "You can not feel the pain and the despair that she feels . The only thing you can do for her is be patient with her and show her that you love her." I hope you can do the same. And once again, let's get ourselves checked-up girls. For the future!