Team: Insurance Superstars (+ Accountant)
left to right: Pam, me, Beth, Jonathan, Jason the accountant
This was after our little Ravenchase adventure race thing. It ended at a bar and we finished 2nd to last, but at least we finished, haha. So much fun. We even had to go into some old abandoned building that was completely dark except for a "blind" man in there with a black light. Yeah, we got out of there pretty quickly.
These last couple of months have been a very good learning experience. I don't mean to make light of a situation that had me pretty much pinned to the ground nor do I mean to make this into a bigger deal than it really is, but there three things you can do when you are faced with adversity. You can either
1. break down and give up,
2. become hardened and cynical and just very negative and down on the world, or
3. you can take what has happened to you and become a better person.
I would like the third option. I had never thought that I was selfish and shallow, but now I am beginning to realize the person I was. I am seeing now that I was only bringing myself down by being so cynical about the world and I think now that I might be able to balance out my cynicism and my dry sense of humor. I don't have to be mean, I can still be a good person. What I really need to do is hold my head up high and stay above all of the drama. It is best if I keep the office politics at the office and didn't contribute to it. I am not going to go out of my way to be someone's friend but I am not going to bring her down either. I will let people form their own opinions of her.
I can't say for sure that this realization is all totally from my injuries, but realizing the fleeting nature of things, the impermanence of your possessions, and just knowing that every second of every day you are at risk of losing that which you prize the most makes you see things in a different light. You begin to feel grateful for the things you've always taken for granted and you want it to last. You become very aware of your mortality. No longer are you invincible. You know what it feels like to be miserable and you want to make sure that others don't suffer what you have. If everyone was feeling as hopeless as I felt, then I doubt that life is worth living but I do know that there is beauty in just existing, we just have to find it. Everyone needs a reason to live and I have yet to find mine, but I do know now that I can survive.
I sense that most people don't realize how serious this all was for me because of my fake smile when they ask how I'm doing, but they weren't there when it happened, they didn't see the catscans and ultrasounds, they weren't there with me in the ER, and they didn't see any of my doctors with me. These aren't their eyes, they didn't spend the night wondering if they would ever be able to see again. I was blind that night. I couldn't see. And it's not their heart that was hurting, they didn't have chest pains. They have no idea. And you know what? I don't care. It was really hard for me to go through this. Maybe it isn't that big of a deal for you but fucking A, I've lost some of my vision and if you think that's just a scratch then so be it. If you knew me at all, you'd see right past that silly little grin I have and see how I really feel inside. That's how I know who really knows me, and it's the people who really care about me who bother to see. I don't need pretend friends as long I've got some really awesome ones.