Personal Log, who the hell knows the date anymore....
*starts the computer recording, walks about room, picking up*
The other day I was sitting in the obs deck, reading The Odessey, finally having a bit of time to myself, reports done, repairs and such managed well by the Gamma shift. Jon and the twins came in, and I started talking to them. Held the little girl up to the viewport so she could see the stars. Then Jon got called up to the bridge, and I said I'd watch them for a bit. So he left, and it was just me and the kids.
Me, and the kids.
Mal's kids.
God, how surreal is that? Me, watching Mal's fucking kids. Just kinda drives home everything. Everything that's happened the last months... last year.
Has it been a year already?
So, I was watching the kids, and talking with them.... watching the stars with them.... god, it made me want to be home again, with my family. Got them calling me "Uncle Trip", which made me want to be home again all the more. I miss my family, my sisters, my brother, my parents, all the kids..... I want to be home, and forget about all the shit that goes on out here... all the politics, all the petty bitching between species, all the temporal cold war crap, all the sex and emotions and awkwardness and cold civility. Forget about all of it, and just be home in Florida again, listening to the sound of the Gulf on a balmy summer night, laying in the hammock out back, all us kids.
*sighs, sits down at desk*
But, I can't go back. Not like this and not now.
Being with the kids also made me think of Mal... hell, they're his kids, how can I not think of him? I thought of all that's between us.... the history, the memories, good and bad, the warmth, the coldness, the harsh anger and measured, articulate civilty. And I wonder what happened. We used to be so good together, even before we were together. Best friends. And now..... not even close to friends. I can barely see friendship with binoculars. And it's just.... it's hard. It's hard not to be friends with him, it's hard to be just 'civil' with so much history behind us and between us. He seems to manage it, and I can't help but envy him that control. I've always been the type that wore my heart on my sleeve, you always knew what I was thinking and what I was feeling. That's been changing, slowly but surely. I'm able to hide some of my thoughts and feelings from people... hell, Jon doesn't know even half of what goes on in my head. I spend half of my time with him reassuring him that I'm okay, that things are fine, and I want to scream at him that they're not, I'm not okay, I'm dying, but I can't, I can't do that to him, I just can't do it. So I paste a smile on my face and tell him I'm fine. And he believes me. Which is good, I suppose. Saves one more bit of his sanity at the cost of mine.
*gets up, moving around the room restlessly*
So, I'm with the kids, all this stuff running around in my head at warp five, and I realize I can no longer feel my arms. I take them over to the couch, and end up playing my harmonica for them. Which they loved. Both of them, enthralled with it. After a couple songs, Jon came back, with the news that the away team was now officially overdue. Which started my brain on a whole new tangent.
I started to think about Hayes.... that whole... thing. And I started thinking about how Mal reacted to learning about me and Hayes. That debacle at the New Year's eve party.... his hostility towards me... and how it totally reversed at the costume party. It makes me wonder why Hayes and I got together in the first place. Alcohol certainly played a role the first time, but all the others.... how it's changed. We're so different, nothing in common.... but now I can't imagine things without him, and it hits me that I'm falling for him. Hard. And it kinda scares me, love in itself scares me, but this scares me more, 'cause I have no idea how it's gonna end. Every other time in my life I've been in a serious relationship, I could see exactly where we were headed. As the relationship changed, I could still see the end. Where we'd be when the world came crashing down around us. Sure, it could be foggy, overcast, but I still knew. With this.... I'm in the dark, I don't know what's going on around me, in front of me. I can't see, and that scares me more than practically any life or death situation can.
Then again, love on this ship is a life or death situation.
So, there's all this shit going on in my head, and I'm carrying on a conversation with Jon about when to send out a freaking rescue team. We decide that I'm gonna lead it, and I then help him take the kids back to his quarters, where I play one last song for them on the harmonica and take my leave.
Then it's back to my quarters, avoiding my terminal like the goddamn plague and crashing. I've been hesitant to record a log since then, with all the emotions rolling around in my head, I tried to sort them out and I can't. They won't let me. So, I've tried to talk it out in this log, but they're still all jumbled up and being stubborn as all get out.
Guess I'll just have to learn to live with it.
I leave tomorrow afternoon for the rescue mission. Maybe seeing Hayes will make some of this make sense, but somehow, I doubt that.
The other day I was sitting in the obs deck, reading The Odessey, finally having a bit of time to myself, reports done, repairs and such managed well by the Gamma shift. Jon and the twins came in, and I started talking to them. Held the little girl up to the viewport so she could see the stars. Then Jon got called up to the bridge, and I said I'd watch them for a bit. So he left, and it was just me and the kids.
Me, and the kids.
Mal's kids.
God, how surreal is that? Me, watching Mal's fucking kids. Just kinda drives home everything. Everything that's happened the last months... last year.
Has it been a year already?
So, I was watching the kids, and talking with them.... watching the stars with them.... god, it made me want to be home again, with my family. Got them calling me "Uncle Trip", which made me want to be home again all the more. I miss my family, my sisters, my brother, my parents, all the kids..... I want to be home, and forget about all the shit that goes on out here... all the politics, all the petty bitching between species, all the temporal cold war crap, all the sex and emotions and awkwardness and cold civility. Forget about all of it, and just be home in Florida again, listening to the sound of the Gulf on a balmy summer night, laying in the hammock out back, all us kids.
*sighs, sits down at desk*
But, I can't go back. Not like this and not now.
Being with the kids also made me think of Mal... hell, they're his kids, how can I not think of him? I thought of all that's between us.... the history, the memories, good and bad, the warmth, the coldness, the harsh anger and measured, articulate civilty. And I wonder what happened. We used to be so good together, even before we were together. Best friends. And now..... not even close to friends. I can barely see friendship with binoculars. And it's just.... it's hard. It's hard not to be friends with him, it's hard to be just 'civil' with so much history behind us and between us. He seems to manage it, and I can't help but envy him that control. I've always been the type that wore my heart on my sleeve, you always knew what I was thinking and what I was feeling. That's been changing, slowly but surely. I'm able to hide some of my thoughts and feelings from people... hell, Jon doesn't know even half of what goes on in my head. I spend half of my time with him reassuring him that I'm okay, that things are fine, and I want to scream at him that they're not, I'm not okay, I'm dying, but I can't, I can't do that to him, I just can't do it. So I paste a smile on my face and tell him I'm fine. And he believes me. Which is good, I suppose. Saves one more bit of his sanity at the cost of mine.
*gets up, moving around the room restlessly*
So, I'm with the kids, all this stuff running around in my head at warp five, and I realize I can no longer feel my arms. I take them over to the couch, and end up playing my harmonica for them. Which they loved. Both of them, enthralled with it. After a couple songs, Jon came back, with the news that the away team was now officially overdue. Which started my brain on a whole new tangent.
I started to think about Hayes.... that whole... thing. And I started thinking about how Mal reacted to learning about me and Hayes. That debacle at the New Year's eve party.... his hostility towards me... and how it totally reversed at the costume party. It makes me wonder why Hayes and I got together in the first place. Alcohol certainly played a role the first time, but all the others.... how it's changed. We're so different, nothing in common.... but now I can't imagine things without him, and it hits me that I'm falling for him. Hard. And it kinda scares me, love in itself scares me, but this scares me more, 'cause I have no idea how it's gonna end. Every other time in my life I've been in a serious relationship, I could see exactly where we were headed. As the relationship changed, I could still see the end. Where we'd be when the world came crashing down around us. Sure, it could be foggy, overcast, but I still knew. With this.... I'm in the dark, I don't know what's going on around me, in front of me. I can't see, and that scares me more than practically any life or death situation can.
Then again, love on this ship is a life or death situation.
So, there's all this shit going on in my head, and I'm carrying on a conversation with Jon about when to send out a freaking rescue team. We decide that I'm gonna lead it, and I then help him take the kids back to his quarters, where I play one last song for them on the harmonica and take my leave.
Then it's back to my quarters, avoiding my terminal like the goddamn plague and crashing. I've been hesitant to record a log since then, with all the emotions rolling around in my head, I tried to sort them out and I can't. They won't let me. So, I've tried to talk it out in this log, but they're still all jumbled up and being stubborn as all get out.
Guess I'll just have to learn to live with it.
I leave tomorrow afternoon for the rescue mission. Maybe seeing Hayes will make some of this make sense, but somehow, I doubt that.